Shattered confidence

In 2012 I attended graduate school and a series of events during my time there which included relationships completely shattered my confidence. It was so bad that I had to drop out of the PhD program because continuing there was simply to embarrassing to continue there given my status as one of the "losers" so-to-speak. My academics were great and there was no problem getting scholarships and a stipend, but it was too humiliating to stay there. So I grabbed my master degree and in the workplace I can barely function. I'm out of place, I don't fit in, my performance is abysmal by my standards (I won the best research award for the department in Mol. Bio. and I felt as though my research wasn't that great so my standards are a bit high).

I don't know how to snap out of it because my life is really crumbling underneath my feet. The level of misery in my life has never been this great.

The best thing you can do is see a doctor to assess if there is something going on like depression, social anxiety, paranoia, Asperger's etc. Then you can get help and start to get your life back on track.

I had to drop out of the PhD program because continuing there was simply to embarrassing to continue there given my status as one of the "subhumans". and in the workplace I can barely function. I'm out of place, I don't fit in, my performance is abysmal by my standards

Been there done that back in 2010/11 when things were down and it just made everything worse. The social devastation was brutal when it was revealed that I decided to see a doctor. I thought getting back into a new group of people with grad school would help but it didn't. Furthermore, my employment opportunities have required background checks. I'm not risking my ability to get another job with seeing another doctor.

How much of your adult life have you been in academia? Have much time have you spent outside of it?

How much of your adult life have you been in academia? Have much time have you spent outside of it?

Far too long. 5 years in undergrad where I got 2 undergraduate degrees plus 2.5 years of grad school. I have a few years of experience as an employee in laboratory settings outside of academia. Also miscellaneous jobs along the way when they are necessary (temp work, pizza delivery, etc).

What could possibly be so shameful about you that it would warrant dehumanizing experince? Did you kill ten people??

Note that shame is an individual experience of being globally defective and unworthy of connection, while humiliation is a relational experience where one powerful party treats a subordinate like dirt. People believe they deserve their shame, they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.

Can you make the distinction between the degrading treatment by others (and provide examples) and your response to these experiences, the way you accepted the humiliation and introjected it as shame?

Did you assert yourself when humiliated, and if not, why not? Did you accept the label of yourself as unworthy so quickly that you ran and hid from everyone as if you were a leper?

Since you say you are very critical of yourself, where does the shame really come from? Did these people really inflict it through humiliation, or did you hyperbolically translate every microcriticism as disclosure of your unworthiness?

It would strike me as a shame (no pun intended) if you quit your job for your own hypercriticalness, as you could do that in future jobs as well. I doubt you are so incompetent. You want to quit to escape the shame, not job requirements for which you have had ample training.

Lastly, if you seek psychotherapy in private practice during strssful times, it doesn't translate as 'loonie' to future employers.

Your mention of humiliating experience is so vague that it is difficult to advise you, not knowing where the problem was.

Sorry for any typos. I am phone clumsy.

What could possibly be so shameful about you that it would warrant dehumanizing experince? Did you kill ten people??

 

Note that shame is an individual experience of being globally defective and unworthy of connection, while humiliation is a relational experience where one powerful party treats a subordinate like dirt. People believe they deserve their shame, they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.

 

Can you make the distinction between the degrading treatment by others (and provide examples) and your response to these experiences, the way you accepted the humiliation and introjected it as shame?

I haven't done anything that merited such treatment. I'm somewhat confused by the mention of introjecting humiliation as shame.

Did you assert yourself when humiliated, and if not, why not? Did you accept the label of yourself as unworthy so quickly that you ran and hid from everyone as if you were a leper?

Yes I really backed out of the world almost entirely

Since you say you are very critical of yourself, where does the shame really come from? Did these people really inflict it through humiliation, or did you hyperbolically translate every microcriticism as disclosure of your unworthiness?

I'm well aware that translate criticism into self-defeating talk. However I have learned to counter that, it's been a part of who I am my entire life.

Lastly, if you seek psychotherapy in private practice during strssful times, it doesn't translate as 'loonie' to future employers.

I've had to fill out background check forms where I am asked to waive all medical privacy rights. I'm not risking future employment just to feel better if my opportunities all vanish.

Your mention of humiliating experience is so vague that it is difficult to advise you, not knowing where the problem was.

Let me just say it was social-sexual abuse and leave it at that. One of my classmates who I was cordial with said it was sexual abuse but the way in which it was openly communicated throughout the small class size also made it a major social issue.

Your best bet is to get some help or find a friend you can confide in but I'm guessing If you're here on this forum you maybe have no one to confide in about the issue. We can listen to vent but ultimately you have register what's going on around you and figure out a solution. make little goals everyday and if you can't do it yourself you have to get help and go to therapy.

And was it discussed with the person's supervisor or any staff assigned to handle complaints?

I can see how that is an environment one would like to avoid.

Do you believe everyone who witnessed the event ridiculed you? Or may they have perceived the person humiliating you as unfair? One said it was abusive. To me, that doesn't sound like the entire place is so unpleasant that you should conclude the ridicule there is unbearable. Anyone who abuses needs to be reported though, otherwise of course you or anyone else who feels they might be subject to the same will want to transfer.

I am saying that humiliation is what someone does to you. You may not always be able to avoid humiliation. Shame is what you feel,as in, i am wortheless. To introject humiliation and decide 'that this happened to me means i am worthless and everyone will see me as such" is a choice. The other choice is to conclude "i did nothing to deserve this, and have nothing to feel adhamed for. This person behaved abysmally". The fact that you want to disappear says that you have concluded you are deserving of ridicule. Walk in there and demand the incident be addressed, and at any further attempts at degradation assert yourself. No one says you need to accept belittlement.

Again, basic self care during stressful times isn't an obstacle to future employment. It is an obstacle to responsibility and improvement.

I don't think i can help not understanding your quest and your preferred outcome. Perhaps others will.

You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present.” kung fu panda Not to sound corny but it's so true. One day you're going to die so you gotta get it together so you'll have something memorable to leave behind. I don't know you but I'm in a sucky place too in my life and I decided recently I can't keep living like this. I'm trying new things constantly and opening myself up to the world not so much to people lol. Maybe you can go back to school?

You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present.” kung fu panda Not to sound corny but it's so true. One day you're going to die so you gotta get it together so you'll have something memorable to leave behind. I don't know you but I'm in a sucky place too in my life and I decided recently I can't keep living like this. I'm trying new things constantly and opening myself up to the world not so much to people lol. Maybe you can go back to school?

At my age with three degrees I have no intention on ever returning to University. The main problem is that after everything in graduate school I really closed off and have been almost entirely isolated from everyone. On one hand I like not having to worry about trying to mess with social dynamics. On the other it would be nice to have someone to do something with. Outside of work I don't really speak to people beyond the absolute minimums to maintain life in contemporary society (cashiers at stores, dealing with tech support, etc)

At my age with three degrees I have no intention on ever returning to University. The main problem is that after everything in graduate school I really closed off and have been almost entirely isolated from everyone. On one hand I like not having to worry about trying to mess with social dynamics. On the other it would be nice to have someone to do something with. Outside of work I don't really speak to people beyond the absolute minimums to maintain life in contemporary society (cashiers at stores, dealing with tech support, etc)

I wouldn't go back to school either lol. I see the problem. Join a forum. I joined a car forum recently. I currently have no way of meeting new people. I have to say even though it's not a In person thing it is so nice to have people to talk that share the same interest. There are apps you can use to meet friends I tried one lol it sounds kind of sad but you do meet cool people online. It's better than being alone with your own thoughts. No one is going to judge you because everyone is there for the same reason.

My major problem is that I have no real confidence. I can't even "fake it" without feeling like a failure. So I tend to shut down and close off entirely. I can't figure out how to get out of this mindset.

In 2012 I attended graduate school and a series of events during my time there which included relationships completely shattered my confidence. It was so bad that I had to drop out of the PhD program because continuing there was simply to embarrassing to continue there given my status as one of the "losers" so-to-speak. My academics were great and there was no problem getting scholarships and a stipend, but it was too humiliating to stay there. So I grabbed my master degree and in the workplace I can barely function. I'm out of place, I don't fit in, my performance is abysmal by my standards (I won the best research award for the department in Mol. Bio. and I felt as though my research wasn't that great so my standards are a bit high).

 

I don't know how to snap out of it because my life is really crumbling underneath my feet. The level of misery in my life has never been this great.

I've been sorta going through a similar situation, but it sounds like your situation may be a bit more urgent. I know it's hard to make that first call to maybe get evaluated by a professional, but if you have the courage in you to do that, it would be your most successful way to solve this issue. Otherwise there are always self help books out there that may or may not be the answer.

My major problem is that I have no real confidence. I can't even "fake it" without feeling like a failure. So I tend to shut down and close off entirely. I can't figure out how to get out of this mindset.

That sounds kind of like me. My supervisor is always telling me to stop overthinking before I speak. When I don't over think though I always end up telling a really bad joke lol. You sound smart. What are you into? Are you going to be tuning in for the super bowl?

That sounds kind of like me. My supervisor is always telling me to stop overthinking before I speak. When I don't over think though I always end up telling a really bad joke lol. You sound smart. What are you into? Are you going to be tuning in for the super bowl?

Yeah I've heard that advice to. It is good but hard to implement if you're inside your head too much. I'm not watching the Super Bowl and I live in Houston! The city is a bit crazy over it. Right now I recently bought an old school Game Boy to play games and try to have fun like I did in my childhood. Currently I'm not persuing any intellectual endeavors although there are a few books I want to read including The Gulag Archipelago

I can imagine. I live in Atlanta so The pride over here lol. Football isn't for everyone lol. What are you into? I'm looking forward to the NASCAR series coming up? The gray game boy?!?! What games do you have? I still have my old game boy color and it still works!!!!

Yeah I've heard that advice to. It is good but hard to implement if you're inside your head too much. I'm not watching the Super Bowl and I live in Houston! The city is a bit crazy over it. Right now I recently bought an old school Game Boy to play games and try to have fun like I did in my childhood. Currently I'm not persuing any intellectual endeavors although there are a few books I want to read including The Gulag Archipelago

I may have to read this now. Looks like a very interesting read. lol I haven't really don4 much reading since college.

I can imagine. I live in Atlanta so The pride over here lol. Football isn't for everyone lol. What are you into? I'm looking forward to the NASCAR series coming up? The gray game boy?!?! What games do you have? I still have my old game boy color and it still works!!!!

It's actually the Game Boy Advance. There were a lot of fun games on it. Recently I've been working so much (~55 hours a week) I don't have time for much. I've been trying to just relax by doing much of nothing.

It's actually the Game Boy Advance. There were a lot of fun games on it. Recently I've been working so much (~55 hours a week) I don't have time for much. I've been trying to just relax by doing much of nothing.

Messaged you!