Should I be ok with his friendship?

I can't believe I'm posting in here but I really need advice. I'm a 39 year old female.. been in a relationship with a 48 year old for the past 2 years. Problem is his ex fwb. When we first met he told me about a good friend whom he had gotten together with a couple of times but that was 20 years ago and there were/are still good friends. He told me he was uncomfortable with me being friends with the guy that I had been seeing before him since it was so fresh so I agreed to end the friendship..... anyways fast forward to a year and they were still texting a couple of times a month, talking on the phone sometimes and they go out for lunch when she's in town. Everything is platonic. Come to find out who this girl was (he never told me which friend it was) and she has been to his house for supper! But what I can't get past is that I found out they slept together 2 months before we started dating not 20 years beforehand!!!??? He stated he's not good with time. He ALSO stated he wasn't sure if they would get together or not if they were both ever single which of course he backtracked and said he didn't mean it in that way... So I was livid and I was mad for ruining my friendship with my previous friend that I had dated. Total double standard. He had continued meeting up with her for lunch and had lied to my face about it and last night she showed up at his house st 10 pm with 3 of her friends to say hi as they are all mutual friends...he didn't let them in but still. I'm 110% sure it's a platonic relationship. But I'm irked that he seems to be prioritizing this friendship above our relationship. He says I'm too jealous but how can I not be when he lies about meeting up for lunch and deleting texts they write because he knows I will be mad.

Am I going crazy? What would you do in this situation? I don't want him to lose the friendship but on the other hand this is a humongous issue for me and it seems like he's putting her first because he's known her for 20 years. I'm mad. Super mad but I don't know 100% if I have a right to be mad st him or if this is my issue I need to deal with?!!?? Arrrrg!!!! Help! Any advice/logic/reason is welcome. Ps he is a total narcissist and always makes me feel crazy for being jealous but he has a lot of other really good qualities about him and I know cheating on me is not something he would do but 90% of his friends are women.

Whether or not they are platonic friends, he is very clearing showing you where you stand. You're the girlfriend and she isn't, yet he's continuing to put her ahead of you.

He should be able to keep friends just because they are female, but the fact that he slept with her just before meeting you means that there's some sort of romantic interest there. He could have even said "yes, we slept together, but we discovered we're better as friends" and you may have been okay with that - except you caught him up in a lie about the timeline and he also hinted at having some interest in her with his "not sure if they'd get together if they were both single" comment.

I think he's telling you what his priorities are - and you are not among the first.

If he's a narcissist he's either cheating on you (with her or with others) OR he's using her to triangulate you or both of you. It's classic (covert) narcissitic behaviour. If he's not a narcissist then he's just being an insensitive jerk and I suggest you have a serious word with him about his double standards, as this sounds like an unbalanced relationship (at best) and not only will this sort of thing continue but it will get worse. Good luck.

This might be useful /

Sorry to hear this. The deception is the problem here. Also reconnect with all your male and female friends never give that up for someone.

It sounds more like a very recent ex that he's still quite into and has fed you lies and lines to placate and deceive you. There is very little trust or respect here.

Was this a recent discovery after 2 yrs of dating?

I found out they slept together 2 months before we started dating. He had continued meeting up with her for lunch and had lied to my face about it and last night she showed up at his house st 10 pm with 3 of her friends to say hi

I think being friends with exs is actually a good thing. I see it as a sign of maturity, a respect for other people even if the relationship didn't work out, a sign that a person can heal and move on from heartbreak. However double standards are the worst and the root of abusive style relationships. If he can't handle your friendship but demands that you handle his? That is some garbage.

As for feelings, you don't have to have the "right" to have feelings. You ARE angry. You don't need to prove that you have the "right" to be angry. (although I think double standards are a perfectly valid reason to be angry) How does he respond to your hurt and discomfort? Does he lie to get what he wants? Is he annoyed at your feelings? Does he blame you? Does he support you? Does he talk it through? Does he try and understand your point of view?

When you look for a partner you want to look for how they treat you, themselves and others, when things aren't going smoothly.

It was discovered after a year and a half......that's when the issues started happening. I didn't see it being fair for him to be friends and me not keep my friendships. Sorry my post should have stated we have been dating for 2 years now but it was discovered after a year.

It's not fair but if he's going to keep that from you what else is he keeping a secret? I agree with what another poster wrote, that it shows maturity to have platonic friendships with exes, but it seems he's using her to make you feel uncomfortable and if he cared for you he wouldn't want that. You should be his priority, not another woman.

I am friends with most of my exes, and still see them maybe once or twice a year. I also think it's a sign of maturity to put the past behind you yet still earn a friend out of a relationship that maybe wasn't right for the both of you. I can't however see how this is related to the post....

I have once dated a narcissist. Everyone adored him and he had this cool, laid-back attitude about himself. He was still laid back even in tense situations or conflict. He would tell me very relaxed that I'm making too big a deal about things. He would make me feel like I'm completely crazy and overreacting. I take my cues a lot from the way the other person is reacting, so I would often blame myself for "going crazy". In the end I found out that he got back together with his ex and was still seeing me for months after - in the end I broke up with him (before finding out about her) and he just accepted it.

Anyway I am not saying this is your situation at all. But he is talking to her VERY often, AND he sees her? And they go out, and even have dinner at his house? I am not denying your 110% trust in him, but regardless of the circumstances I would feel suspicious of that. 20 years vs 2 months? That's just BS and you should call him out on it. He lied to you and clearly this is a very recent sexual affair, he is seeing her alone, talking frequently AND if he has to lie about it then this is making you question how serious he is about you. Oh and he deletes some texts?...

Regardless of whether there's more going on or not, he's made a dent in your trust in him and you need to think about what makes you comfortable and set some boundaries. He might well think you're unreasonable, but there's a limit to the things you feel comfortable with and that's what you need to prioritise.

Stop thinking about how he reacts to what you say, and focus on what you NEED. And what you want to achieve. If he's not happy to break the relationship with her, you should resume yours with your ex friend and have him over for dinner when he's out, delete some of his texts and lie about meeting him out.

"I found out they slept together 2 months before we started dating not 20 years beforehand!!!??? He stated he's not good with time." LOL

I'm sorry, but this all you need to know. You should be done for all of the lying. How can you trust a word that comes out of his mouth?

Oh, he is a narcissist, too! Don't really understand why you stick around?

I don't understand why it's okay for him, but not you. Something is seriously up!

You are not a priority and he does not respect you!

I know!!! 2 months vs 20 years... Seriously though....maybe I should get him a math tutor for his birthday since his math skills are so bad...sigh . it's not like I was born yesterday. This sucks.... when you invest so much time and effort into a relationship all of the narcissistic traits become your new normal.

Why would you waste anymore of your precious time, with someone who is narcissistic and untrustworthy? That doesn't make much sense.

The info has been presented to you, it's time that you made the right choice for your future.

A math teacher can't teach him honesty or respect.

2 months vs 20 years... Seriously though....maybe I should get him a math tutor for his birthday since his math skills are so bad...sigh

So, from what you've said, you are not his priority, in fact you come behind a very recent fwb and some of his other women friends. He will also lie to you and lie about lying to you (serious lack of respect) and is also a narcissist (which means there is a good chance that he has cheated but plays the innocent role brilliantly so you would never know).

None of those things are going to change any time soon and even one of them is more than reason to dump this jerk!

I personally wouldn't be too accepting of the fwb woman either. You don't exactly go from being on top of someone to just being friends in that short of time. He obviously still wants her around and he lied to you about how recent they've had sex for a reason.

Gah...I don't see why you'd even bother with this man to be honest. You're going to wait around for things to be okay or improve but what you're going to get is more slaps in the face.

Men like this man really give all men a bad name.

Darling, all that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. And more importantly, doesn't mean you are not worthy of more. You are both grown ups and sometimes you need to take a step back and regroup, think about the direction that things are headed and make a decision together - it can either fit with both of your goals and needs, or it might not. Doesn't mean it was wasted time, but sometimes you move in different directions/priorities.

By the way, at 48 if he doesn't know how to be more fair and a more of a gentleman than this at his age, you might as well forget it. He's never going to get better.

Darling, all that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. And more importantly, doesn't mean you are not worthy of more. You are both grown ups and sometimes you need to take a step back and regroup, think about the direction that things are headed and make a decision together - it can either fit with both of your goals and needs, or it might not. Doesn't mean it was wasted time, but sometimes you move in different directions/priorities.

So, you believe when someone blatantly lies and makes someone a low priority, it is due to different goals. HMMMMMMMMM.

So, you believe when someone blatantly lies and makes someone a low priority, it is due to different goals. HMMMMMMMMM.

Holly, see my previous reply to this post.

Yes, his goals for this relationship might be different to hers, so they should bring them out in the open and have a conversation about it. She can't keep feeling crazy while he's lying to her and doing things which would make anyone feel suspicious.

People lie because they are doing something they know they are not supposed to be doing. It is that simple.

-He doesn't have trouble with time (20 years? seriously)

-He lied and left things out because he wanted to keep this woman around even though he knew you wouldn't like it.

-He has damaged the trust, disrespected you and the relationship and has zero guilt over what he has done.

This will only get worse as time goes on. This is who he is not some simple slip of the mind. You are right to be upset and now need to decide if this is fixable.

Lost

There could be a simple explication he might have put the decimal in the wrong place. Unfortunately it happens all the time with administering drugs and has bad ramifications.

It was discovered after a year and a half......that's when the issues started happening. I didn't see it being fair for him to be friends and me not keep my friendships. Sorry my post should have stated we have been dating for 2 years now but it was discovered after a year.

I would have stopped dating him then. Listen, at some point you have to own your choices. You choose to stay with someone who has lied to you and prioritizes another woman. I would not have made that choice.

My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who still has an ex lover in the picture in any way, shape, or form beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.