Is this financial abuse or am I an ungrateful wife?

My husband makes 2/3 of the income and I make approximately 1/3 of our income.

We both work very long hours... He works 13 hours and I work 8 hour a day but I am gone from the home 11 hours because of the commute. I also take an hour out of my evening to pick him up each evening. I do about 95% of grocery shopping, meal preparation, cooking, cleaning, etc. (mostly on Sundays) So a lot of unpaid work.

We both have a significant debt load.

At the end of each month, after I have paid my bills (so, our joint items such plus my individual items), he transfers all of the remaining money I have from our joint account to his account. He is completely aware of my financial situation whereas I have no clue about his because I don't see his bank account.

Despite the $3000 plus per month I make in contributions, he is constantly telling me that he pays for "everything". He also occasionally asks me to commit giving him more money despite the fact that I give him what is left at the end of each month. Despite trying to explain this to him, he never seems to get it.

He also uses the fact that I make less money to say am expected to do more. For example, one night when I picked him up from work, I wanted him to pump the gas. He said I should do it because he pays for "everything". I am also expected to be his driver which for the most part I don't mind in the morning when I am already going to work, but sometimes in the evening or on Sundays (when I am doing housework and cooking for the upcoming week) I just don't feel like it. He gets mad at me and says that because he supported me through school (which is not true, i just did not pay half rent) that now I owe him. He has also made comments that because he works so much that he need the support from me.

I am wondering if he is being financially abusive or if I am an ungrateful wife?

Why does he have his own account and you do not?

After paying your bills, I think you are entitled to keep whatever money is left and use it as you please. I am having a hard time understanding what makes him think that it's okay to manage your money how he pleases, but you have no idea what is going on with his finances.

I believe he is being financially abusive. He doesn't seem to trust you and based on his actions, I think he is attempting to accumulate as much money as he can, so that in the event you two divorce, he will not be financially struggling and you will be left with nothing.

I would suggest counseling immediately for the two of you.

Yes. This is financial abuse.

I imagine he's either using your money to pay off his debt, or he's gotten into more debt and is using your money to pay it off.

Either way, this is a very one sided set up. You need to set up your own bank account and keep your own saving in there.

IA withe the above poster that he might also be setting up a nest egg in case he decides to leave, but what he's also doing is making it financially impossible for you to.

Set up your own account without his name. Have your paycheck automatically deposited in there. Then transfer what is needed to pay your share of the bills into the joint account. Keep the remainder- in fact, save it up.

I think a lot depends. Why are you driving him? Is this a car he paid for but you use to commute? If not, I'd be inclined to agree with you.

Are you pitching in 50% of the expenses when he then adds the remaining to his account? That'd be another case I agree with you on.

Thing is, for as unconventional and as cold as it could understandably be interpreted, it's entirely consensual. If you're putting in more toward expenses than him and he's pocketing the extra, stop contributing more than your share to the joint. If you don't feel your unpaid contributions are being valued as highly as they should be, scale back.

What was the conversation you two had prior to getting married with regard to finances?

This is horrible! I don't even know how to respond (I'm that upset).

Set up your own account without his name. Have your paycheck automatically deposited in there. Then transfer what is needed to pay your share of the bills into the joint account. Keep the remainder- in fact, save it up.

Agree with this.

That's what I plan to do when I get married (not that I think my partner would ever take advantage of me financially), just less messy that way. Then you have freedom to save or spend the rest of your earnings however you like without having to "ask for permission". It will also be clear as to how much you each are contributing towards expenses since you both transfer equal amounts into the joint expense account. That is if you pay roughly 50/50.

If you contribute proportionate to your incomes, ie you pay 1/3 and he pays 2/3, then I would agree that you should contribute more in other ways such as doing more housework, but I would think that still does not entitle him to the remaining of your income after paying expenses.

I mean...it's one way or the other you know, 50/50 or you contribute less financially but do more otherwise, he can't have it both ways (just more more more in every aspect and feel that he's entitled to keep your extra money).

There is only "our" money when you are married. And you handle it as a team. Combine all your debts and income. Stop trying to live as singles when you're a married couple. You need to completely combine your finances and get on the same page about money. Otherwise this will destroy your marriage. If you can't talk about money maturely you have no business being married. You should have figured this out before getting married.

Yes, it absolutely is. It's time for you to change your account, tell him it is no longer up for grabs and that either you will both get one account to share together OR the marriage is over. Then you tell him you've scheduled a time with a financial adviser to sort out all of your money problems and issues together or again he can end up having an ex-wife. And that you are not giving him a choice in this.

To me it sounds like he has some sort of "habit" he's hiding from you AND he's siphoning off your money too. When he talks about paying for everything hand him an itemized detailed list of all of your household expenses showing who pays for what and tell him to shut the blip up about it already. That you both know who pays for everything and it's over.

Personally, I would go talk to a divorce lawyer and then just switch banks, hide the information, and be ready to move out or move him out depending who owns what property. This isn't a marriage, he's using you as a cash cow.

Don't get pregnant. And no, this shouldn't have been allowed in the first place, but now that it has been you need to put the brakes on. The first thing you do for that is switch banks, move your money, change your credit cards and tell him he doesn't get access to anything anymore until you both sort out and share your finances equally with full disclosure from both sides and neither of you able to reach out and simply take the other's money.

It is not mine is mine and what's yours is mine, not in an equal fair marriage. My husband would never do that to me and vice versa, but then we had the big money talk when we were dating and we set up our accounts before we were married too. I'd drop him on the spot much as I love him if he suddenly thought he could help himself to money I had left over with no explanation of where it's going. And I'd expect him to do the same of me, because I would never dream of doing that to him. Or anyone else for that matter.

Has he always been like this.

My mother makes more than my dad and ive never heard any convos like this. they both pull the weight when its needed.

i dont like when people hold money over you...well i pay the bills so you should pump the gas..wth is that crap.

A couple years ago when we went to the bank, I was under the understanding that we were creating joint account. As we were talking to the bank associate, he said that I would be depositing my cheques into the account but he would continue to deposit his cheques into his account. I was shocked so did not say anything. Since then, he has not actually taken anything that I don't give permission to take, but as said, he sees all of my account activity and I see none of his.

Since then, he has not actually taken anything that I don't give permission to take, but as said, he sees all of my account activity and I see none of his.

You just said he transfers remaining money in the joint account into his own personal account?

Agreed, he has asked me to borrow from my line of credit a number of times. I have borrowed from it for various things i.e. for money to go to school, I used it to buy a vehicle after I was in an accident and then borrowed again when we needed money for a down payment on a home. Now I am trying to pay a certain amount each month and keep keeps telling me I'm paying too much and I should be giving him more to pay off his line of credit.

You just said he transfers remaining money in the joint account into his own personal account?

Yes, it goes from our joint account that I deposit money into, and then to his personal account

This sounds way too convoluted for any of us to tell what's equitable for your particular situation. Set up your own account and suggest counseling for the contribution and distribution of finances.

There is only "our" money when you are married. And you handle it as a team. Combine all your debts and income. Stop trying to live as singles when you're a married couple. You need to completely combine your finances and get on the same page about money. Otherwise this will destroy your marriage. If you can't talk about money maturely you have no business being married. You should have figured this out before getting married.

I disagree. Yes if you get divorced, all assets will be taken into account and there's no "my money" or "your money".

But during marriage, kinda a different story. Some people believe in "our money", some people believe in maintaining a certain level of financial independence in marriage, so there's our money, your money and my money. As long as both parties agree on how it work, there's really no one "right" way of conducting finances as a married couple. Not to me anyway. I've seen it done all different ways.

Then there are others, like OP's husband, who seems to believe "your money is my money and my money is still my money". Which is when the problem occurs.

OP, you should've had the money talk before marriage, and should've at least spoken up when you were setting up the joint account and learnt of his intention to have you deposit your pay into the joint account and his into his own account. How is that fair?

I think a lot depends. Why are you driving him? Is this a car he paid for but you use to commute? If not, I'd be inclined to agree with you.

 

Are you pitching in 50% of the expenses when he then adds the remaining to his account? That'd be another case I agree with you on.

 

Thing is, for as unconventional and as cold as it could understandably be interpreted, it's entirely consensual. If you're putting in more toward expenses than him and he's pocketing the extra, stop contributing more than your share to the joint. If you don't feel your unpaid contributions are being valued as highly as they should be, scale back.

 

What was the conversation you two had prior to getting married with regard to finances?

I am driving him now because we recently moved and have not bought a second vehicle. I consider the vehicle our but I am the one who paid for it and am paying it off.

I do not pay for 50% of expenses, because if that were the case I would be paying for more than I make. I pay for my share and then transfer the rest to him for other things like furniture and travel.

We have had numerous conversations prior to getting married. At one time we had a conversation upon which I was writing down a breakdown of expenses that we would pool our money into and then each take out the same amount of discretionary income each month. Later on he said he did not remember having that conversation despite the fact I showed him the spreadsheet. After this, things have gradually morphed into the current system whereby I ensure that I am paying my percentage based on respective income, but then I also transfer money when I have it to pay off other debts i.e. wedding, furniture, etc. We are at a point now though were I am maxed out

It's such a mess you'd be better off talking to a financial advisor. It sounds like as a couple and as individuals you are living above your means. Your system puts you in a very vulnerable position with almost zero financial security, and so yes, you should change it.

I am driving him now because we recently moved and have not bought a second vehicle. I consider the vehicle our but I am the one who paid for it and am paying it off.

I do not pay for 50% of expenses, because if that were the case I would be paying for more than I make. I pay for my share and then transfer the rest to him for other things like furniture and travel.

 

We have had numerous conversations prior to getting married. At one time we had a conversation upon which I was writing down a breakdown of expenses that we would pool our money into and then each take out the same amount of discretionary income each month. Later on he said he did not remember having that conversation despite the fact I showed him the spreadsheet. After this, things have gradually morphed into the current system whereby I ensure that I am paying my percentage based on respective income, but then I also transfer money when I have it to pay off other debts i.e. wedding, furniture, etc. We are at a point now though were I am maxed out

Assuming that you used to be able to afford 100% of your own bills and he could pay for 100% of his own expenses, I would sit down with him and work out where the extra expenses are coming from and how it should be proportioned. If 50% of the expenses is more than your total income, perhaps you're living above your means. Then the question is, is this because he has a more extravagant life style? Or do you? Or do the both of you? Depending on the answer to that, will determine whether he should be paying more or you should both be cutting back on expenses because you can't afford it.

Also I would immediately inform work to change the account your pay cheque gets deposited into, while you work this out.

Clearly he seems to feel there's an inequity in the contributions, so it's time to discuss it again.

Has he always been like this.

 

My mother makes more than my dad and ive never heard any convos like this. they both pull the weight when its needed.

 

i dont like when people hold money over you...well i pay the bills so you should pump the gas..wth is that crap.

Thank you. I know I should do somewhat more than him when to make up for the extra hours that he is working, but that shouldn't mean I have to do everything or be reminded that he makes more money everytime i do ask him to do something.

but that shouldn't mean I have to do everything or be reminded that he makes more money everytime i do ask him to do something.

Indeed. That's why it's important to have another sit down to work out your finances and other contributions.

Thanks for all your help. FYI... we did have the financial discussion prior to marriage and we did meet with a financial planner prior to buying our home. I contribute as much as I can because I believe all of our debt is our debt and I want to pay it off as quickly as possible. I do not spend extravagantly at all... I make all the lunches and feel guilty if I buy a coffee at work. Up until this year I bought my clothes at walmart and then one time this year I bought some work new work clothes (pants) from banana republic when they were on sale. Otherwise no, I don't spend a lot. I go to a hair dresser even three months. I don't get mani/pedi's. Im very low maintenance. Im trying my best but it doesn't seem to be good enough. T

Thing always seems to be okay for a while and then he wants more. He does spend more than I do on himself and on the house i.e. on tvs, speakers and when I ask him about it or ask if there is enough money, he doesn't respond or giggles, or strokes my face and says he makes lots of money to make a joke out of it. Then after its bought, he wants money from me.

There is only "our" money when you are married. And you handle it as a team. Combine all your debts and income. Stop trying to live as singles when you're a married couple. You need to completely combine your finances and get on the same page about money. Otherwise this will destroy your marriage. If you can't talk about money maturely you have no business being married. You should have figured this out before getting married.

I agree with Iggy. In our house I stayed home with the kids and my husband worked. Money was considered to be "our" money not "his" because he earned it. If I earned some money on the side it went into the joint account to keep the house afloat and kids taken care of. This crazy division of money and labour the OP is dealing with will one day backfire and one of them will leave. I bet her husband has a big bank account and is using it for things she knows nothing about. They need serious financial counselling.

Well I would sit him down and have a serious talk with him about everything. He's making 2/3 of the money, and you're making 1/3. You're helping out as much as you can, plus you're doing housework as well. Just because you aren't the "breadwinner" doesn't mean you're always responsible for doing a load of chores to somehow make up the rest of the money.

Definitely get your own account, that why you avoid arguments that will dampen your marriage. If he keeps this up, sounds like you're going to resent him, which will spill into other areas like sex etc.... not good!

Thanks for all your help. FYI... we did have the financial discussion prior to marriage and we did meet with a financial planner prior to buying our home. I contribute as much as I can because I believe all of our debt is our debt and I want to pay it off as quickly as possible. I do not spend extravagantly at all... I make all the lunches and feel guilty if I buy a coffee at work. Up until this year I bought my clothes at walmart and then one time this year I bought some work new work clothes (pants) from banana republic when they were on sale. Otherwise no, I don't spend a lot. I go to a hair dresser even three months. I don't get mani/pedi's. Im very low maintenance. Im trying my best but it doesn't seem to be good enough. T

 

Thing always seems to be okay for a while and then he wants more. He does spend more than I do on himself and on the house i.e. on tvs, speakers and when I ask him about it or ask if there is enough money, he doesn't respond or giggles, or strokes my face and says he makes lots of money to make a joke out of it. Then after its bought, he wants money from me.

Seems like you tried to do the right thing before marriage, and still are trying to do the right thing, he on the other hand had a change of mind when it comes to actually implementing the original plan.