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Feeling Lost Lately


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Hello everyone. I apologize for the length. I wasn't sure how to condense it and still make sense.

 

This is something I've been dealing with for a while now, but for the last year or so I've been attempting to sweep it under the rug and I think it's all sort of crashing down now.

 

I don't know what my purpose is. I'm lost and I don't know what to do to find myself.

 

About three years ago on my birthday, I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I did very well managing it for about 4-5 months. I lost abit of weight and living at home with two parents who also have Type 2, I was able to manage it very well.

 

About a year before that, I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder and was extremely close to being diagnosed with alcohol abuse which I what I ultimately think caused Type 2.

 

Fast forward to about a year and a half ago, I was living on my own, barely taking my medicines, drinking nearly every night and just all around not taking care of myself.

 

I avoided going to the doctor because I feared the worst. Luckily I wasn't nearly as bad off as I thought, but my doctor strongly suggested I take better care of myself. Did I listen? No. And again, I put off going to the doctor until last week. Being somewhat newly diabetic I need to go every three months AT LEAST. It's been over 6 since my last visit, and I've been taking terrible care of myself. Not taking medicine, eating out every day, binge eating and drinking. So, I wasn't optimistic for the doctor visit last week, but I still didn't think it would be bad.

 

Turns out, my a1c was 9.7. Normal levels for type 2 are typically between 5.0-6.0 if you're maintaining your health. My blood glucose level was 365 and for me, it should be between 100-150 at best.

 

My medicine was doubled in dose, I was prescribed a blood pressure medicine and a mood stabilizer and I'm only 25.

 

I haven't had a drink since Wednesday.

 

Anyway, I know that was a long setup, but onto the point...

 

I feel lost. I feel like I have no purpose. I've turned down hanging out with friends due to anxiety in the past few weeks and now I'm turning them down because of my health. I can't drink all night until 5am and get up at 9am and go to work or classes like they do.

 

So, I'm slowly losing my social life.

 

I used to be so passionate about things. In particular a silly boyband. I was a part of a fan group or "fandom" and I made friends with like interests. I had something to look forward to.

 

Now, I can barely find interest in things I used to. I don't read as often as I used to. I don't I colored music or blog anymore. And mainly because I can't find the energy or the passion to do it.

 

I made a friend recently who was my boyfriend for a bit (but things happened) and we still hang out and he's so passionate about everything. He knows everything about everything and he reminds me of what I used to be.

 

But, between finding out about my health and spending more time alone, I realized all I do is go to work and go to class. That's it. I don't explore anymore. I don't go to coffee shops to read or post about things I'm passionate about anymore.

 

I just feel empty and it makes me angry because that's not me.

 

For the last three years, the most comforting fun I've found was in drinking alone and watching YouTube videos of random things. Not developing a love for a character or a story or a hobby like I did before.

 

I just don't know what to do. How do I fix this? The idea is overwhelming in itself.

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@Claire, unfortunately there are no quick fixes to depression. I have suffer from depression for over 3 years and I've learnt that no medication out there or anything out there that could fix it. I felt very very lost and yes, I abused alcohol. I decided to stop because that was taking over my life and it only made things worst. I listened to my doctor. The only 1 thing that could help you over come this, and here goes... is yourself!

 

I've been to many therapies sessions, I go to group therapies. After many hours of talking through my problems, I came to realized (and from hearing others) that I'm the only one that could help me get through this.

 

My world felt dark and just came crashing down, similar to what you described. I gained so much weight because I had no motivation, no desire to do anything. I said to myself I need to get up and do something. Do I sit here and feel sorry for myself or do I get up and start 1 step at a time?

 

You guess it, I chose to get up and no matter how hard it is to start. This is all inspired by my peers at group therapy. I signed for a gym membership. You know what, there is nothing better I could do for myself other than exercise. I joined, paid for it (so i would have to go) Made it a priority. Like it or not, I tell myself, I MUST GO! I started it off slow, 3 days a week. It's very hard for me to get up and go until this day. I keep telling myself to remember the feeling of how I felt after I finish working out. That's my one motivation.

 

Fast forward about 4 months of consistently going to the gym. (Keep in mind, I didn't jump on the scale) I feel better. I don't feel that everything is so dark and scary any more. Not only that, all my old clothes fit me again! yay! I no longer have to go out with the same sweatpants and same shirt. I also changed my eating habits as well. Keep in mind, I took everything one step at a time and at a pace where I'm comfortable with.

 

It's 1 little step I took which I feel is the best thing your could do for yourself! Exercise, change your diet. The rest will come into place! Exercise, to be honest works better than any anti-depressant I've ever been on. It will help with your diabetes as well. Make sure to hydrate yourself, even if you are not exercising. Drink lots of water.

 

As for social life, I've completely lost that. I also came to accept the fact that if the friends I had are no longer my friends, it's for a reason. I don't believe the depression is all that I could blame. I just tell myself, once I get better, feel more myself, I will make new friends. Things will come into place. It's important to tackle one thing at a time. Step by step. That way you don't get overwhelmed.

 

You can do it, I believe in you, and I know you will start to believe in yourself. One step at a time. Even if it's just hitting the gym for 15 mins, it's a start.

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Have a read of vitamin D literature. Existing guidelines have recently been upped several times, but experts believe they are still insufficient. Pervasive use of sunblock is a sham that creates many more problems than it safeguards from.

 

What I am saying is that you can do all you want, and exert your will muscle to the depletion, the change will be easer if you had high levels of vitamin D (and other vitamins also). Depression abates very quickly at high doses of D.

 

Another anti depression cure is to get your hormones checked, and balanced. After 40 or during perimenopose, I don't know how old you are, and this maybe off, hormones get out of balance. Testosterone, oestrogen and progesterone all drop causing a) extreme fatigue, b) depression, c) bad mood and more and more. I recently looked very closely into this, and in Britain leading authorities say that the only way depression should be treated is through balancing hormones, and not through any therapy or prescription drugs.

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