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Thread: Cut off my sister for good

  1. #11
    catfeeder
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    Quote Originally Posted by Batya33 [Register to see the link]
    Sounds like a toxic relationship. I will add this. When our father was dying last year and suffering from Alzheimers I had to help from afar because I moved away. I did my best. My sister lives closer and was able to provide the hands-on emotional support to my mother that I could not. I am all for not prioritizing family ties to excuse unacceptable behavior but consider whether you might need to be able to have good communication with her in the future for the good of your family. My sister and I barely spoke civilly until I was a teenager (she is older). She has her quirks (me too) and we clash sometimes but I love her to the ends of the earth and I know when our mother's time comes it will help so much that I have her in my life (and I hope I do!). Again not to pressure you to continue an unhealthy relationship just because she is your sister but please do consider the ramifications.
    I agree with this. On a scale of 1 to 10, there's an awful lot of real estate between the extremes. Part of maturity is responding with changes in our own behavior to find balance rather than reacting in ways that go off the deep end and cause dramas that generate a whole new set of consequences.

    The things you mention are based on her misuse of information you offered her.

    So why not just stop offering information?

    Just because someone asks you a question, that doesn't obligate you to answer. You can still be civil at family gatherings and cooperate in the care of your family, including your nephew, without setting yourself up for misery. I'd just block her on social media and no longer confide anything beyond the weather, but I wouldn't dramatize a big cutoff and position myself as her victim. That might feel great at the moment, but it won't buy you one grain of serenity when this role conflicts with your obligations and opportunities to engage the rest of your family when sis will be present.

    Head high.

  2. #12
    jennylove
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    Thanks again, everyone!!

    Batya, I've never bashed her parenting skills to her face, I'm just venting on here. There is a lot more that she's done than what I've listed. It just hurts. Everyone I know always tells me how lucky my nephew is to have an aunt like me, I've even had little kids actually ask me if I'll be their Aunt or sister because I'm just fun to be around. Lol. I have friends who are aunts and they do very very little for their N/N and they still get some sort of acknowledgment in the form of an invite to a recital or handmade card. I get nothing. And it hurts. Like I stated, last year, I actually told my sister that the only thing I wanted was a handmade card from him. Nothing. This year, my mom "hinted" about "thank-you's" by putting a package of cartoon-themed Thank You cards in my nephews stocking. Guess who used them to send thank you notes? My sister. At any rate, most humans have a basic need of wanting to feel important or loved by someone that they love and go to great lengths for.


    Catfeeder, I get what you are saying. And to be honest, it never truly hits me of her skeme until afterwards. She has quite the way of getting people to talk. I've been in despair and mourning and have let out my feelings, and she seems so caring, but she ends up using things against people. It just happens. I don't know, it's just not natural to me to be so guarded with what I say even though I know better.

  3. #13
    ~Seraphim ~
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    Just remember this is not his fault he is not being taught properly . Look at who is raising him . So don't hold any ire for him .

  4. #14
    jennylove
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    Seraphim, in no way am I blaming him at all. No.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by jennylove [Register to see the link]
    Seraphim, in no way am I blaming him at all. No.
    Ok, good.

  6. #16
    Batya33
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    Quote Originally Posted by jennylove [Register to see the link]
    Thanks again, everyone!!

    Batya, I've never bashed her parenting skills to her face, I'm just venting on here. There is a lot more that she's done than what I've listed. It just hurts. Everyone I know always tells me how lucky my nephew is to have an aunt like me, I've even had little kids actually ask me if I'll be their Aunt or sister because I'm just fun to be around. Lol. I have friends who are aunts and they do very very little for their N/N and they still get some sort of acknowledgment in the form of an invite to a recital or handmade card. I get nothing. And it hurts. Like I stated, last year, I actually told my sister that the only thing I wanted was a handmade card from him. Nothing. This year, my mom "hinted" about "thank-you's" by putting a package of cartoon-themed Thank You cards in my nephews stocking. Guess who used them to send thank you notes? My sister. At any rate, most humans have a basic need of wanting to feel important or loved by someone that they love and go to great lengths for.


    Catfeeder, I get what you are saying. And to be honest, it never truly hits me of her skeme until afterwards. She has quite the way of getting people to talk. I've been in despair and mourning and have let out my feelings, and she seems so caring, but she ends up using things against people. It just happens. I don't know, it's just not natural to me to be so guarded with what I say even though I know better.
    I don't think it's fair to specify what you want him to make for you and then think of it is "all I want" - you don't know if he enjoys writing/drawing or not for example. If he made thank you cards for everyone except you I could understand it better.

  7. #17
    catfeeder
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    Quote Originally Posted by jennylove [Register to see the link]
    Catfeeder, I get what you are saying. And to be honest, it never truly hits me of her skeme until afterwards. She has quite the way of getting people to talk. I've been in despair and mourning and have let out my feelings, and she seems so caring, but she ends up using things against people. It just happens. I don't know, it's just not natural to me to be so guarded with what I say even though I know better.
    Growth and maturity into using discretion never 'feels' natural, because it's new skill development. It's a stretch--that's exactly what growth means. But it makes no sense to resist our own growth into responsible decision making just to dig in our heels and insist that others are at fault and must change to accommodate our lack of willingness to change. That's the opposite of growth, it's an adolescent temper tantrum.

    Growth mean noticing that whenever you press button A, B pops up, and you hate B, so doesn't it make sense to stop pressing button A?

    You've identified faults in your sister that you can either heed while rising above the battlefield, or you can continue to play out your position as the needy sister who gets burned. Try flipping your own behavior to adopt the role of The Adult in your relationship with sister. This means you can humor her to a safe degree while offering zero ammunition in terms of your secrets and private vulnerabilities.

    This guarded but cheerful position needn't last forever, but it's a tactical move to prevent yourself from being positioned badly, only to react to that with extreme drama. Instead, play the adult who listens to your family members instead of speaks. Answer questions with questions, or simply explain that you'll need to think about how much you'll want to speak about 'that'. This will create boundaries of both respect and privacy, and you'll likely thrive as you learn to use discretion to your advantage. You can modify these boundaries in the future should you see the kind of growth and change in others that inspires more degrees of trust. Until then, embrace your independence and learn how to wield it wisely.

    Head high.

  8. #18
    jennylove
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    Yes, he enjoys drawing/coloring, etc. his nickname is "Artist" at school. No, he doesn't send any of us any such thing and it bothers everyone to a degree. It's a nice gesture to teach your kids, it means a lot to the receivers, it's fun for the kid and may even give them the good feeling that "giving" gives, and it only costs postage. I may sound unreasonable to you, but it's really not a big request. I accept this is how it is though. I don't have to like it, but I accept it. If I ever have kids or step kids, I'll make sure they send stuff to family. That's all I can do.,

    Cat, Batya: You've given me so much to think about. I don't know what you practice in your career, but I gotta ask, is it in the field of psychology? Ive read some of your past responses to other people, you give the best advice even if it's not what one hopes to hear.

    My sister: as much as I don't like the things she's done, I do worry about her. I do think she is a borderline, but I really don't know. what worries me and the rest of my family the most is her marriage. He treats her horribly. I think she's so messed up psychologically, she is really waaaay out there more times than not.
    All of us know her marriage is horrible, controlling, no love, no respect. She's a stepford slave. No joke. Her husband has said/done horribly anti-social/sociopath things at family functions that it now makes everyone very uncomfortable to have him around, so we rarely have gatherings together anymore because we can't not invite him. We are civil to him and friendly and always have been.

    My sister used to make excuses for his behavior as soon as he'd do it or say it. She caught on how uncomfortable he makes everyone, I mean, his behavior would make Mother Theresa uncomfortable. I am confused about this: why does she come over and always make it a point to talk about how great he is, and wonderful and how happy she is, when nobody asks? Ten minutes later, she's bawling. 20 minutes later, she's complaining to my mom that his only downfall is he smokes pot in front of my nephew, cries some more, laughs, and then concludes with the finale of how great he is. Happens all the time.

    Why does she try to convince us of how wonderful he is and if how happy she is when we all know better? I think her "issue" with my boyfriend is that he is really is a nice guy and says nice things, and made people laugh, and actually spoke to my family like a true gentleman. And this behavior is opposite of her husband. So now he's competition? She doesn't want anyone to like him more than her husband? so many why questions.

  9. #19
    Batya33
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    I think Catfeeder gave great responses! No- no background in psychology (sometimes too much of a background in Bluntology but I mean well) and thanks!

    When you have or adopt/teach kids you can teach them to send thank you notes (as I have)

    Also, if you don't follow Catfeeder's advice and choose to completely ignore her/not deal with her then I also would avoid speaking of her at all with your family (i.e. gossiping) - simply say "we're not on speaking terms right now so I wouldn't know how she's doing and it's not a good idea for me to hear about what's going on with her". Unless it's an emergency and you want to help out and support in a genuine way and need the information to do that.

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