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Cut off my sister for good


jennylove

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Sister has said and done some pretty horrible things over the years, mainly her anger arises from things that she assumes. And then she'll snap over those ideas in her head and send off some vile texts or email to me or other family. A week later, she's fine. Nothing happened. Oh that email? Well that's because "I've had a migraine for 2 weeks straight, and uhh, that's why I sent that." She's very much a case of: "I love you, I hate you, don't leave"

 

She's always very conning, too. A few years ago, she told me she wanted a divorce. she was crying, telling me how horrible he is to her. I was wiping away her tears. She then started fishing for info, "Dad has never liked him, has he?" Me: no. Her " marrying him was such a mistake, sniff sniff, what things didn't dad likrbabout him?" Me: XYZ.

 

Ten mintues later, she's going home and claims she'll be in touch with me as she'll need help "escaping" while he is at work that week. We hug, it's all good. And then boom, that night, she sent me and my family a nasty email outlining how she now knows how we really feel about her husband, we can all burn in hell, etc. the whole thing was an act.

 

Stupid me, I fell for it again. A few months ago she started showing an interest in my new SO, asking me all kinds of things about him. Acting concerned and yet excited for me. I. E, "I want you to be careful this time, Are there any red flags?" Or, " Anything about him that you don't like?"

We were in the early stages of dating and this was just fun sisterly talk, I thought. Nope. That was fuel for her fire. Once my dad and other family members began showing their approval of him, she told them the things that I told her a few months ago about the red flags, etc. And apparently she did an impersonation of him having a seizure, which looked a lot like Trump mocking the reporter. Bf has epilepsy and can not drive because of his seizure disorder.

 

Apparently everyone saw right through her jealousy and they still think highly of him and nobody is happy with her., I decided to cut her off over this. Her true character is too ugly for me. I'm done son. Blocked and moving on, and I feel great..

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Sounds like a toxic relationship. I will add this. When our father was dying last year and suffering from Alzheimers I had to help from afar because I moved away. I did my best. My sister lives closer and was able to provide the hands-on emotional support to my mother that I could not. I am all for not prioritizing family ties to excuse unacceptable behavior but consider whether you might need to be able to have good communication with her in the future for the good of your family. My sister and I barely spoke civilly until I was a teenager (she is older). She has her quirks (me too) and we clash sometimes but I love her to the ends of the earth and I know when our mother's time comes it will help so much that I have her in my life (and I hope I do!). Again not to pressure you to continue an unhealthy relationship just because she is your sister but please do consider the ramifications.

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I think you did the right thing. You don't get to choose the family you're born into, but when you become an adult you most definitely do get to choose how much interaction you do or don't have with them.

 

She sounds a right nightmare, so regardless of kin or not yes it's time to walk away and ignore her. I'm sorry that happened, but I have relatives I've had to cut out of my life too. And frankly I was none the worse for it. Far from it.

 

Toxic is as toxic does.

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thanks to everyone who replied

 

I just want to tell the world how much better I feel. Anytime sis was mad at me about something, she'd always say that I wasn't going to be able to see my nephew anymore. This caused me to bite my tongue and let her hurt me over and over. But the other day, I stood up against it. I'm sooo done.

 

And my nephew is now 11, I likely won't see him again, but it is what it is. I've done sooo much for him over the years, more than the average Aunt. Would you believe that never once have I received a thank you note, a birthday card, anything from him? I know it's not his fault! It's his parents. As tacky as this sounds, I actually told my sister on my last bday that the only thing I really want is a handmade card from him. Nope, never got it.

 

I recently babysat for a 4 yo boy. A few days later, I got the funniest hand-

made thankyou card from the boy and one from his mom. So I know it's something kids are still taught to do. Just not my nephew. His parents are raising him to feel entitled. I.E,,My mom bought him a package of Walmart socks when he was 9 as a stocking stuffer. My sister asked my mom to return them and buy him Nike Socks instead, since that is what he prefers. More like, that's what she preferred. Unbelievable . Soooo glad I'm done!

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thanks to everyone who replied

 

I just want to tell the world how much better I feel. Anytime sis was mad at me about something, she'd always say that I wasn't going to be able to see my nephew anymore. This caused me to bite my tongue and let her hurt me over and over. But the other day, I stood up against it. I'm sooo done.

 

And my nephew is now 11, I likely won't see him again, but it is what it is. I've done sooo much for him over the years, more than the average Aunt. Would you believe that never once have I received a thank you note, a birthday card, anything from him? I know it's not his fault! It's his parents. As tacky as this sounds, I actually told my sister on my last bday that the only thing I really want is a handmade card from him. Nope, never got it.

 

I recently babysat for a 4 yo boy. A few days later, I got the funniest hand-

made thankyou card from the boy and one from his mom. So I know it's something kids are still taught to do. Just not my nephew. His parents are raising him to feel entitled. I.E,,My mom bought him a package of Walmart socks when he was 9 as a stocking stuffer. My sister asked my mom to return them and buy him Nike Socks instead, since that is what he prefers. More like, that's what she preferred. Unbelievable . Soooo glad I'm done!

 

So, I hope your venting/judging her parenting, etc is done soon because if it's not then she is "winning" because you're still carrying around all that negative baggage. When she goes low, you go high, right? I make my son write thank you cards but, believe it or not, in our family the tradition is that you don't write thank you cards to immediate family/grandparents (but of course you say thank you) - the thinking is -they know you love and appreciate them, they get to see you and it's more important with more distant relatives and friends where you want to make sure that you show your appreciation, manners, etc. Every family has its quirks like that. However, my son (almost 8) does make cards for grandparents' birthdays. Also as a practical matter young children get lots of gifts "just because" so the volume of thank you cards gets a bit much!

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Sounds like a toxic relationship. I will add this. When our father was dying last year and suffering from Alzheimers I had to help from afar because I moved away. I did my best. My sister lives closer and was able to provide the hands-on emotional support to my mother that I could not. I am all for not prioritizing family ties to excuse unacceptable behavior but consider whether you might need to be able to have good communication with her in the future for the good of your family. My sister and I barely spoke civilly until I was a teenager (she is older). She has her quirks (me too) and we clash sometimes but I love her to the ends of the earth and I know when our mother's time comes it will help so much that I have her in my life (and I hope I do!). Again not to pressure you to continue an unhealthy relationship just because she is your sister but please do consider the ramifications.

 

I agree with this. On a scale of 1 to 10, there's an awful lot of real estate between the extremes. Part of maturity is responding with changes in our own behavior to find balance rather than reacting in ways that go off the deep end and cause dramas that generate a whole new set of consequences.

 

The things you mention are based on her misuse of information you offered her.

 

So why not just stop offering information?

 

Just because someone asks you a question, that doesn't obligate you to answer. You can still be civil at family gatherings and cooperate in the care of your family, including your nephew, without setting yourself up for misery. I'd just block her on social media and no longer confide anything beyond the weather, but I wouldn't dramatize a big cutoff and position myself as her victim. That might feel great at the moment, but it won't buy you one grain of serenity when this role conflicts with your obligations and opportunities to engage the rest of your family when sis will be present.

 

Head high.

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Thanks again, everyone!!

 

Batya, I've never bashed her parenting skills to her face, I'm just venting on here. There is a lot more that she's done than what I've listed. It just hurts. Everyone I know always tells me how lucky my nephew is to have an aunt like me, I've even had little kids actually ask me if I'll be their Aunt or sister because I'm just fun to be around. Lol. I have friends who are aunts and they do very very little for their N/N and they still get some sort of acknowledgment in the form of an invite to a recital or handmade card. I get nothing. And it hurts. Like I stated, last year, I actually told my sister that the only thing I wanted was a handmade card from him. Nothing. This year, my mom "hinted" about "thank-you's" by putting a package of cartoon-themed Thank You cards in my nephews stocking. Guess who used them to send thank you notes? My sister. At any rate, most humans have a basic need of wanting to feel important or loved by someone that they love and go to great lengths for.

 

 

Catfeeder, I get what you are saying. And to be honest, it never truly hits me of her skeme until afterwards. She has quite the way of getting people to talk. I've been in despair and mourning and have let out my feelings, and she seems so caring, but she ends up using things against people. It just happens. I don't know, it's just not natural to me to be so guarded with what I say even though I know better.

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Thanks again, everyone!!

 

Batya, I've never bashed her parenting skills to her face, I'm just venting on here. There is a lot more that she's done than what I've listed. It just hurts. Everyone I know always tells me how lucky my nephew is to have an aunt like me, I've even had little kids actually ask me if I'll be their Aunt or sister because I'm just fun to be around. Lol. I have friends who are aunts and they do very very little for their N/N and they still get some sort of acknowledgment in the form of an invite to a recital or handmade card. I get nothing. And it hurts. Like I stated, last year, I actually told my sister that the only thing I wanted was a handmade card from him. Nothing. This year, my mom "hinted" about "thank-you's" by putting a package of cartoon-themed Thank You cards in my nephews stocking. Guess who used them to send thank you notes? My sister. At any rate, most humans have a basic need of wanting to feel important or loved by someone that they love and go to great lengths for.

 

 

Catfeeder, I get what you are saying. And to be honest, it never truly hits me of her skeme until afterwards. She has quite the way of getting people to talk. I've been in despair and mourning and have let out my feelings, and she seems so caring, but she ends up using things against people. It just happens. I don't know, it's just not natural to me to be so guarded with what I say even though I know better.

 

I don't think it's fair to specify what you want him to make for you and then think of it is "all I want" - you don't know if he enjoys writing/drawing or not for example. If he made thank you cards for everyone except you I could understand it better.

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Catfeeder, I get what you are saying. And to be honest, it never truly hits me of her skeme until afterwards. She has quite the way of getting people to talk. I've been in despair and mourning and have let out my feelings, and she seems so caring, but she ends up using things against people. It just happens. I don't know, it's just not natural to me to be so guarded with what I say even though I know better.

 

Growth and maturity into using discretion never 'feels' natural, because it's new skill development. It's a stretch--that's exactly what growth means. But it makes no sense to resist our own growth into responsible decision making just to dig in our heels and insist that others are at fault and must change to accommodate our lack of willingness to change. That's the opposite of growth, it's an adolescent temper tantrum.

 

Growth mean noticing that whenever you press button A, B pops up, and you hate B, so doesn't it make sense to stop pressing button A?

 

You've identified faults in your sister that you can either heed while rising above the battlefield, or you can continue to play out your position as the needy sister who gets burned. Try flipping your own behavior to adopt the role of The Adult in your relationship with sister. This means you can humor her to a safe degree while offering zero ammunition in terms of your secrets and private vulnerabilities.

 

This guarded but cheerful position needn't last forever, but it's a tactical move to prevent yourself from being positioned badly, only to react to that with extreme drama. Instead, play the adult who listens to your family members instead of speaks. Answer questions with questions, or simply explain that you'll need to think about how much you'll want to speak about 'that'. This will create boundaries of both respect and privacy, and you'll likely thrive as you learn to use discretion to your advantage. You can modify these boundaries in the future should you see the kind of growth and change in others that inspires more degrees of trust. Until then, embrace your independence and learn how to wield it wisely.

 

Head high.

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Yes, he enjoys drawing/coloring, etc. his nickname is "Artist" at school. No, he doesn't send any of us any such thing and it bothers everyone to a degree. It's a nice gesture to teach your kids, it means a lot to the receivers, it's fun for the kid and may even give them the good feeling that "giving" gives, and it only costs postage. I may sound unreasonable to you, but it's really not a big request. I accept this is how it is though. I don't have to like it, but I accept it. If I ever have kids or step kids, I'll make sure they send stuff to family. That's all I can do.,

 

Cat, Batya: You've given me so much to think about. I don't know what you practice in your career, but I gotta ask, is it in the field of psychology? Ive read some of your past responses to other people, you give the best advice even if it's not what one hopes to hear.

 

My sister: as much as I don't like the things she's done, I do worry about her. I do think she is a borderline, but I really don't know. what worries me and the rest of my family the most is her marriage. He treats her horribly. I think she's so messed up psychologically, she is really waaaay out there more times than not.

All of us know her marriage is horrible, controlling, no love, no respect. She's a stepford slave. No joke. Her husband has said/done horribly anti-social/sociopath things at family functions that it now makes everyone very uncomfortable to have him around, so we rarely have gatherings together anymore because we can't not invite him. We are civil to him and friendly and always have been.

 

My sister used to make excuses for his behavior as soon as he'd do it or say it. She caught on how uncomfortable he makes everyone, I mean, his behavior would make Mother Theresa uncomfortable. I am confused about this: why does she come over and always make it a point to talk about how great he is, and wonderful and how happy she is, when nobody asks? Ten minutes later, she's bawling. 20 minutes later, she's complaining to my mom that his only downfall is he smokes pot in front of my nephew, cries some more, laughs, and then concludes with the finale of how great he is. Happens all the time.

 

Why does she try to convince us of how wonderful he is and if how happy she is when we all know better? I think her "issue" with my boyfriend is that he is really is a nice guy and says nice things, and made people laugh, and actually spoke to my family like a true gentleman. And this behavior is opposite of her husband. So now he's competition? She doesn't want anyone to like him more than her husband? so many why questions.

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I think Catfeeder gave great responses! No- no background in psychology (sometimes too much of a background in Bluntology but I mean well) and thanks!

 

When you have or adopt/teach kids you can teach them to send thank you notes (as I have)

 

Also, if you don't follow Catfeeder's advice and choose to completely ignore her/not deal with her then I also would avoid speaking of her at all with your family (i.e. gossiping) - simply say "we're not on speaking terms right now so I wouldn't know how she's doing and it's not a good idea for me to hear about what's going on with her". Unless it's an emergency and you want to help out and support in a genuine way and need the information to do that.

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