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Thread: Don't know what to do

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jan 2017

    Don't know what to do

    Iíve been with my girlfriend for more than 4 years. We got together when I was 19 and she was 23. For the first 3 years we were in a long distance relationship between different countries. In that time, I would estimate that we were only physically together for about 6 months. For that reason, some people have said that I should view the length of our relationship differently to Ďnormalí relationships. Things have been different since we moved in together, and Iím also a lot different to when we first met.

    Around a year ago I met someone who I had an instant connection with. Weíve spent a lot of time together since then and Iíve developed feelings for her (which I havenít acted on). Something similar happened before we moved in together, but I thought it was only because I was struggling with the distance. Iíve tried to fight it because it doesnít make sense to me. My girlfriend and this other girl are completely different. It scares me that I could have feelings for someone like this other girl because Iím not sure that sheís the best influence on me. She is, however, really kind and smart, and I can sit and talk to her endlessly for hours and hours without getting bored or running out of things to talk about, and time seems to fly by. I guess having feelings for someone isnít logical and it isnít really possible to fight it. Even if I could get over her, maybe someone else would come along.

    I know Iíve let the situation go on for too long. A few months ago I told my girlfriend that Iím unhappy and want to leave, but she begged me to stay. Iíve even told my girlfriend about the other girl and sheís willing to try and work past it. I donít think she realises how strong my feelings are for the other girl, and it makes me feel guilty because I donít feel that I deserve her giving me another chance. She has depression and Iím scared of what might happen if I leave, but thatís not the right reason to be with someone. Sheís been a huge part of my life for the past 5 years and Iím scared to lose her completely. It also scares me massively that I might be on my own trying to get over 2 people. I thought that I wasnít scared of being my own, but perhaps I am. Maybe I would eventually feel very liberated once I overcome the suffering.

    I try to distract myself with studies and work, but when Iím alone in my own thoughts I feel a lot of pain and guilt. I try not to think about the other girl but I canít get her out of my head. Iíve got to the point where I wonder whether I could commit to anyone, or if I even deserve that. I tell myself that I shouldnít even be deliberate this, but instead I should be prioritising whatís best for my girlfriend. She doesnít deserve this. She deserves someone who can give her all of them.

    Sometimes I wonder if the other girl feels the same because sheís been so kind to me and texted me a lot. Recently I went away for a few weeks and thought I could be getting over her, but then I came back and saw her in a group of friends and the feelings came flooding back. Sheís been ignoring me and my messages, and has been making a point of only seeing me in group situations. It hurts a lot because it feels like someone who cared about me is now bored of me. Then I tell myself that Iím not entitled to be upset about not spending time individually with her. I donít get upset about not seeing my other friends every week. Itís a sign in itself that I get really hurt when she ignores me, and I feel ridiculously happy when Iím with her. In a way I canít stand how much control she has over my emotions.

    If she likes me back, then maybe sheís decided to do this to protect herself. Maybe sheís trying to smoke me out of my current relationship, who knows. I keep trying to remind myself that this might not be the case, and maybe sheís just busy. It could all just be in my imagination. All I know is that I canít imagine that sheís the kind of person who would suddenly decide she doesnít like someone over a matter of weeks without an apparent reason. Nevertheless, it does seem immature and also a little hypocritical because sheís also in a relationship and she could also address the issue herself if she wanted to. Maybe she doesnít want to because itís more of a risk for her because sheís quite a bit older. I donít think thereís much point trying to analyse her actions anyway because it could be that the situation is the total opposite of what I imagine it to be, and I donít think Iím in a position to be thinking of a new partner anytime soon. It seems like itís too late now anyway. I donít want to fool for someoneís stupid games, but I should also recognise that my girlfriend should be my priority and if I have feelings for someone else then I should respect her enough to deal with them appropriately.

    My family all seem to really like my girlfriend. I think they might be disappointed if they knew the other girl who I have feelings for. Still, I donít think I should live my life to please other people, especially if it involves being dishonest to myself and others. However, some of my friends donít really like my girlfriend, but Iím not really sure why. In a way I would like a fresh start where I donít have to try and persuade my friends and girlfriend to see each other, although I guess this could be the case in any relationship.

    Part of me thinks I will feel relief if Iím also honest with the other girl, but then again I donít really see what good would come from it. It would make me vulnerable and it might seem like Iím expecting her to like me back so I can just switch relationships, which maybe I am subconsciously, but I know that wouldnít be a good idea at all. Even if she doesnít have feelings for me, it would be wrong to stay with my girlfriend only to eventually end up having feelings for someone else. I know itís not fair that itís taken the situation to get to this point that Iím reconsidering my relationship with my girlfriend.

    Iíll be graduating in a few months and I donít know whatís going to happen. I might get a job and have to move somewhere else, and I know my girlfriend enjoys her job and doesnít want to leave it. I donít think itís fair to let her leave it when Iím feeling uncertain about our relationship. My girlfriend also wants to get engaged, married and have children in the next few years, and others have also encouraged us to do so. I donít know if itís that I donít feel ready, or I just donít want to do it with her, but these things scare me and I donít feel like theyíre things I want right now. I donít know if it would be different with someone else. It doesnít help that I donít get on with most of my girlfriendís family and canít imagine being part of it, even though itís not my girlfriendís fault. Now feels like a critical time to make a decision because I donít want to waste her time. I donít want to do something I regret, but I also donít want to commit to someone Iím uncertain about and end up marrying and having kids, then separating later down the line. Whatever happens someone is going to end up getting hurt. At the moment Iím the one thatís hurting most of the time and I canít keep it up for much longer.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Do the right thing, and end it with your girlfriend. It is not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where you are not fully committed.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    End the relationship. You've committed to a single person for 5 years and you're 23 now. You've got a lot more life to live before committing to marriage and children. Your gf is 27 and probably more ready for a change in lifestyle/more responsibilities. You on the other hand~ just graduated, looking for job opportunities and about to enter the real world

    I promise neither of these two girls will be your only options.

    Your situation reminds me of my brother In laws. He was with the same girl for 8 years, since they were 17. He sacrificed a lot to be with her, turned down job opportunities etc he even moved overseas with family temporarily but moved back to be with her...well he ended up so resentful and cheated with another girl. This other girl ended up pregnant but lost the baby. He moved overseas to be closer to family and now he's 27 without a career/broke as & already got girl #3 preggo after only a few months dating

    Moral of the story: don't beat a dead horse and contraception !!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry to hear this. Perhaps being crystal clear about your feelings toward the other girl and that you can't continue this way would help open the dialogue so you can leave.
    Originally Posted by tequilasunrise
    I donít think she realises how strong my feelings are for the other girl


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