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My girlfriend constantly makes flirtatious jokes about other guys to me. Help?


donkeys

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So, my girlfriend constantly (and I mean constantly, we're probably talking maybe 5 times or so every time we hang out?) makes comments about other guys she finds attractive. I truly don't consider myself the jealous type. Whoever my girlfriend wishes to hang out with is perfectly fine, even if it's just her and another guy. I don't care, I know she likes me and is attracted to me otherwise she wouldn't be with me. I'm not insecure about that part...but oddly enough, the comments she makes (and the frequency with which she makes them) are beginning to really hurt me. I can't even remember the last time she complimented me about something (I compliment her all the time.)

 

Most of the time I know she's kidding. When she makes cute jokes about celebrities she'd like to bone, or something like that. Or that she'd "totally make out" with a certain celeb. I know these are in jest, but...sometimes these comments begin to overlap into hurtful territory.

 

Examples such as: Walking past a construction site "ooh construction guys, too bad you're here otherwise I'd be making catcalls and hitting on them." Or we were surfing instagram together and she notes an article "that feeling when you can't get over your ex", as she coyly remarks looking at me "oh I've been feeling that one lately."

 

Recently when I was walking her to work, she noted a guy getting coffee at the coffee shop we stopped at and said "ooh look at that beautiful man, he has a beard and glasses, how sexy." I have a beard, by the way. I actually snapped at her and pulled my hand out of hers (we WERE holding hands), but I kind of tried to play it off as a joke and told her "that stings, no more hand holding for you!". I'm not sure if she could tell I was mad, but she intently looked at me when I said "how would you like it if I started making comments about every pretty girl I see?"

 

I think this pushed her buttons because she sort of stopped grinning and bitterly said "fine, do it." Thankfully we didn't actually fight or anything and we parted in a good mood. But...seriously, I hate this.

 

What is she trying to do by making comments like this? Why is she trying to make me jealous? What the heck is the point of these comments? Celebrities is one thing, but joking about hitting on guys when I'm not around? Joking about missing her EX BOYFRIEND? Telling me how sexy she finds some rando at a coffee shop? She usually ends comments like these with a "I'm just kidding, gosh" or something like that but...it's actually making me start to resent her.

 

I almost lost it recently when soon after that ex-boyfriend comment, I joked that after I had finished orgasming during sex that it was time for bed, no satisfaction for her (she's made this joke to ME before) and she actually genuinely got furious. Half-seriously she said that I didn't care about her or her needs, which was possibly the most absolutely psychotic time to say such a thing because on this night in particular I drove 45 minutes to see her because she had such a bad day at her new intern job that she was in tears, so she wanted me to come see her (and I wanted to.) For the rest of that night she would barely talk to me even though I played the same card she always does "I was just kidding!". Except in my case, I know I actually AM kidding...And that night was the first time we actually fought about something (she even said "is this our first fight?" when it was happening).

 

Anyway, rant. We've been dating for about 4 months. I genuinely really like her, more than I ever have any other girl. I know she genuinely really likes me too, by her own admission and her actions but...that makes these comments even more painful.

 

Do I just talk to her about it? Note that in normal situations, this might be the obvious answer. HOWEVER, I must note that she is INCREDIBLY sensitive and tends to be a huge pessimist, she also has extremely low self-confidence. All around, she's quiet and shy and when it comes to serious matters she has extreme difficulty talking about them. I don't know how to approach this, but it's getting to the point where over the past few days I'm just angry when I'm around her because I'm always anticipating the next comment about some guy. What do, internet people?

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She either has no idea of boundaries or she is trying to hit a nerve so you show you are jealous which in turn validates her . Whatever the reason , just tell her , she clearly has no problem expressing herself , so don't be worried about upsetting her . I don't mean I am encouraging you to hurt her feelings , but ..if she wants to wear the shoes she has to be able to walk in them .

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She is doing exactly what many extremely insecure people do - put you down and rile you up to make themselves feel better and more powerful.

 

Question for you is are you willing to put up with such nasty behavior or will you drop her, keeping in mind that this who she is and this kind of stuff doesn't get better with time.

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So, my girlfriend constantly (and I mean constantly, we're probably talking maybe 5 times or so every time we hang out?) makes comments about other guys she finds attractive. I truly don't consider myself the jealous type. Whoever my girlfriend wishes to hang out with is perfectly fine, even if it's just her and another guy. I don't care, I know she likes me and is attracted to me otherwise she wouldn't be with me. I'm not insecure about that part...but oddly enough, the comments she makes (and the frequency with which she makes them) are beginning to really hurt me. I can't even remember the last time she complimented me about something (I compliment her all the time.)

 

Most of the time I know she's kidding. When she makes cute jokes about celebrities she'd like to bone, or something like that. Or that she'd "totally make out" with a certain celeb. I know these are in jest, but...sometimes these comments begin to overlap into hurtful territory.

 

Examples such as: Walking past a construction site "ooh construction guys, too bad you're here otherwise I'd be making catcalls and hitting on them." Or we were surfing instagram together and she notes an article "that feeling when you can't get over your ex", as she coyly remarks looking at me "oh I've been feeling that one lately."

 

Recently when I was walking her to work, she noted a guy getting coffee at the coffee shop we stopped at and said "ooh look at that beautiful man, he has a beard and glasses, how sexy." I have a beard, by the way. I actually snapped at her and pulled my hand out of hers (we WERE holding hands), but I kind of tried to play it off as a joke and told her "that stings, no more hand holding for you!". I'm not sure if she could tell I was mad, but she intently looked at me when I said "how would you like it if I started making comments about every pretty girl I see?"

 

I think this pushed her buttons because she sort of stopped grinning and bitterly said "fine, do it." Thankfully we didn't actually fight or anything and we parted in a good mood. But...seriously, I hate this.

 

What is she trying to do by making comments like this? Why is she trying to make me jealous? What the heck is the point of these comments? Celebrities is one thing, but joking about hitting on guys when I'm not around? Joking about missing her EX BOYFRIEND? Telling me how sexy she finds some rando at a coffee shop? She usually ends comments like these with a "I'm just kidding, gosh" or something like that but...it's actually making me start to resent her.

 

I almost lost it recently when soon after that ex-boyfriend comment, I joked that after I had finished orgasming during sex that it was time for bed, no satisfaction for her (she's made this joke to ME before) and she actually genuinely got furious. Half-seriously she said that I didn't care about her or her needs, which was possibly the most absolutely psychotic time to say such a thing because on this night in particular I drove 45 minutes to see her because she had such a bad day at her new intern job that she was in tears, so she wanted me to come see her (and I wanted to.) For the rest of that night she would barely talk to me even though I played the same card she always does "I was just kidding!". Except in my case, I know I actually AM kidding...And that night was the first time we actually fought about something (she even said "is this our first fight?" when it was happening).

 

Anyway, rant. We've been dating for about 4 months. I genuinely really like her, more than I ever have any other girl. I know she genuinely really likes me too, by her own admission and her actions but...that makes these comments even more painful.

 

Do I just talk to her about it? Note that in normal situations, this might be the obvious answer. HOWEVER, I must note that she is INCREDIBLY sensitive and tends to be a huge pessimist, she also has extremely low self-confidence. All around, she's quiet and shy and when it comes to serious matters she has extreme difficulty talking about them. I don't know how to approach this, but it's getting to the point where over the past few days I'm just angry when I'm around her because I'm always anticipating the next comment about some guy. What do, internet people?

 

She sounds like a lot of douchey guys out there who do these things.

 

You need to tell her how it makes you feel. That's the bottomline. Otherwise she will keep doing it. My ex used to say crap like that in front of me. "Ooh damn look at that ass" or turn his head while we're talking and watch a chick walk by. I'm like "Use your inside voice. Keep it in your head." I don't care he looks but holy crap you don't need to say it in front of your wife. Everyone glances once in awhile. I would notice a hot guy here and there but I never made it obvious.

 

I don't find it very funny and not sure why she does. She's obviously insecure about something. I don't see how she's normally shy if she's making comments out loud like this. Let her be sensitive and be a pessimist. It's only been 4 months and she acts like this? It's one thing to talk about celebrities or notice someone on the street but talking about her ex and crap? That's ridiculous.

 

Also people who catcall are just disgusting. Male or female.

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HOWEVER, I must note that she is INCREDIBLY sensitive and tends to be a huge pessimist, she also has extremely low self-confidence. All around, she's quiet and shy and when it comes to serious matters she has extreme difficulty talking about them.

 

She hits on other guys, even in front of you.

 

She isn't over her ex-boyfriend.

 

And look at all the great qualities you listed in that quote ^^.

 

I'm really not sure exactly.....what's to like about her?

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What she is doing is attention-seeking. So she must be deeply insecure within, as you noted yourself at the end of your post anyway. She is doing this to feel better about herself, but it's extremely disrespectful to you and not cool.

 

And, I notice that you have also said: "she's INCREDIBLY sensitive". It sounds like basically you have to tip-toe around what is acceptable to HER, in case you upset/offend her, all whilst putting up with things that you don't like and being too afraid to raise it. As a result, the relationship sounds imbalanced.

 

My bf made ONE joke to push a button once, when he was buying a new bed, and showed me the bed online and said 'i need to know if all the chicks who come around are going to like it, what do you think?' I got offended by this comment, JOKE OR NO JOKE. These kinds of remarks are distasteful/disrespectful in my opinion. I asked him not to do it again. And he agreed and said sorry and he won't do it again and gave me a hug. He was sweet about it.

 

I don't get how you can let these comments slide. Don't be afraid to speak up about your feelings! And don't play games either. By saying things of the same nature to her in order to get a reaction, you are only engaging with it more and edging her on. Just try plain old communicating and asking her if she would stop doing it because its damaging the relationship.

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What she is doing is attention-seeking. So she must be deeply insecure within, as you noted yourself at the end of your post anyway. She is doing this to feel better about herself, but it's extremely disrespectful to you and not cool.

 

And, I notice that you have also said: "she's INCREDIBLY sensitive". It sounds like basically you have to tip-toe around what is acceptable to HER, in case you upset/offend her, all whilst putting up with things that you don't like and being too afraid to raise it. As a result, the relationship sounds imbalanced.

 

My bf made ONE joke to push a button once, when he was buying a new bed, and showed me the bed online and said 'i need to know if all the chicks who come around are going to like it, what do you think?' I got offended by this comment, JOKE OR NO JOKE. These kinds of remarks are distasteful/disrespectful in my opinion. I asked him not to do it again. And he agreed and said sorry and he won't do it again and gave me a hug. He was sweet about it.

 

I don't get how you can let these comments slide. Don't be afraid to speak up about your feelings! And don't play games either. By saying things of the same nature to her in order to get a reaction, you are only engaging with it more and edging her on. Just try plain old communicating and asking her if she would stop doing it because its damaging the relationship.

 

What you said about tip-toeing around her is pretty spot on, unfortunately. I couldn't think of a way to describe it but...yeah. Basically, she can speak her mind freely around me regardless of whether or not it upsets me (I don't think she notices that it does, and I haven't said anything), but because of her sensitivity I always have to be careful of what I say to her. Like I said, we both made the exact same joke in the exact same circumstance and my reaction was one of laughter, her reaction was one of anger. She's way beyond sensitive and unfortunately looks deeply into every comment I make and seems to think there's always a hidden, negative connotation with it even if there's not.

 

And these hurtful comments she makes aren't just flirty ones, her pessimism also rears its ugly head when she makes downright cruel jokes about us not being together for arbitrary reasons. For instance, I love cats. They're great, I own one. I'm not a crazy cat guy or anything but I do enjoy them. She hates them and is allergic to them. Just yesterday we were commenting on this guy's little tiny dog, and I joked that I preferred cats cause they were less noisy. She then joked "and that's why we can't be together." I actually confronted her about that immediately in a soft, respectful way and told her that saying stuff like that is hurtful, so why do it?

 

Her reply was "because I'm a b****." I brushed it off, told her she wasn't, then turned the whole thing into a joke about how easy it is to just be nice and compliment one another. I got hammy with the joke and told her how intelligent and beautiful she was, how she's gonna do amazing at her new job. I got her to laugh fairly hard with how silly I was acting, so I tried to keep it going by asking her to compliment me. "Your beard is...full today. I don't know, what do you want from me?" was her comment. I joked again that it was a good start, but the way she said it was almost angry.

 

A few people have noted that she seems difficult to deal with, and she can be. But this is a very 90/10 thing. Most of the time she's an incredible girlfriend. We have similar interests, make each other laugh often, turn the arbitrary into the extraordinary just by being together. You know, all the good stuff.

 

I just don't think she realizes at ALL how hurtful those types of comments are. When your girlfriend jokes about other men she finds attractive constantly and says that you can't be together constantly over silly stuff, even as jokes, it begins to hurt so much. I know she doesn't mean much by any of it, but like I said...it's gotten to the point where I just get ANGRY when I'm around her because I just expect her to disrespect me or make such a comment at some point...

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I used to behave this way. Its hard to explain why I did it. A few things I guess..... I think it was my way of showing the guy that he didn't quite have me. He actually did of course but I was afraid of him knowing that. Also I think it's a clueless thing of not realizing how much this hurts him. Lastly because I had never been in a relationship that was stable and healthy I wasn't sure what the protocol was. I guess to sum it up, I was insecure and looked for drama....not a very healthy individual to have a relationship with.

One guy, my last boyfriend, handled it very well. He sat me down and in a non fussy way he said 'I don't like when you do that. Its not nice and you're doing it too much, I really think you need to stop it. I don't want to break up with you, I really like you...but it's a bit too much'. I did get irked (like your girlfriend) and I was mad for awhile. He immediately changed topic and went back to normal. I went home, thought about it...and stopped.

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It's fascinating how much you reward her bad behavior. It sounds like a game you both enjoy.

She then joked "and that's why we can't be together." I actually confronted her about that immediately in a soft, respectful way and told her that saying stuff like that is hurtful, so why do it? Her reply was "because I'm a b****." I brushed it off, told her she wasn't. I got hammy with the joke and told her how intelligent and beautiful she was, how she's gonna do amazing at her new job.
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It's fascinating how much you reward her bad behavior. It sounds like a game you both enjoy.

 

No man I just think I've learned not to make a huge deal out of everything that upsets me. I've found it easier to just laugh away and joke about pain, even if that's not healthy.

 

I don't enjoy this "game" we play at all...I just like seeing her laugh and smile. Even if it hurts me I guess.

 

But I suppose I am reaching a point where her comments are affecting me in a profound way, otherwise I wouldn't post here. I'm trying to change this people-pleasing, "damn myself" philosophy. But it's tough to shake.

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How is it a 90/10 thing when you estimate she's making these asinine comments about 5 times, every time you hang out? That's a lot more than 90/10.

 

She sounds very immature and insecure to me. How old is she?

 

I would sit her down and do what charity's last boyfriend did: tell her it's disrespectful and you don't like it, and it needs to stop. Period.

 

Then sit back and observe. If she doesn't get the message, I would strongly reconsider the relationship. Why? Because it's a matter of respect and emotional maturity. So far, her behaviour points to a lack of both.

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This may help you out: I don't enjoy this "game" we play at all...I just like seeing her laugh and smile. Even if it hurts me I guess. But I suppose I am reaching a point where her comments are affecting me in a profound way, otherwise I wouldn't post here. I'm trying to change this people-pleasing, "damn myself" philosophy. But it's tough to shake.

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I'm going to be blunt. People who admit they're a (expletive) are proud of it and know they're doing wrong. And they don't care about changing it either.

 

Also be prepared for her to demand you get rid of the cat. I'm sorry, but I see all manner of red flags of a controlling and yes abusive nature. Yeah, I went there. If you were a girl telling everyone about a guy doing this to you everyone would be telling you he has clear red flags of an emotional abuser or worse. But the harsh fact is men can be abused, women can be abusers.

 

She's not really as "sensitive" as you think and it's not a self-esteem issue. It's a control one and she's controlling you, enjoys taking pot shots she knows will hurt you, then when you stand up to her, her only response is an "I'm a (B)" which is basically telling you to suck it up and deal with it buttercup 'cause it isn't going to change.

 

I'm sorry, but you need to seriously rethink this whole relationship. While you still have some self-esteem left. Either that or you look at her and the next time she says so and so is hot you agree then say just like so and so, who I would totally do. Wanna double date. And when she starts to get upset you smile and tell her, "Sauce for you, sauce for me, you don't wanna take it, don't dish it out sweetheart."

 

Yeah, you need to get assertive or she is going to walk all over you like she's already doing and it will only get worse. This is out of hand, she is out of hand, and she's being controlling and yes emotionally abusive. I'm sorry, but no. It's so blatant and if she knows she's a B then why isn't she willing to fix that at the risk of losing you.

 

Have you even told her that she will lose you if she keeps it up? You do understand a good relationship is a two-way street, a bad one is one-way only. Same with double standards, what you wouldn't do to another is what you need to expect and demand they not do to you.

 

My two cents.

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My boyfriend in fact would do this when we first dated, I knew it was an insecurity issue. I do not mean to be arrogant but I am one probably out of my boyfriends league slightly in terms of looks and he feels inferior, secondly these girls were nothing to look at. He did it quite a few more times, I voiced how I felt, mentioned it was hurtful and disrespectful. He stopped. It is important to voice how you feel - it shows confidence.

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My boyfriend in fact would do this when we first dated, I knew it was an insecurity issue. I do not mean to be arrogant but I am one probably out of my boyfriends league slightly in terms of looks and he feels inferior, secondly these girls were nothing to look at. He did it quite a few more times, I voiced how I felt, mentioned it was hurtful and disrespectful. He stopped. It is important to voice how you feel - it shows confidence.

 

Absolutely. This is how people learn and get a chance to fix parts of themselves.

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Hello everyone, OP here again. I feel the need to make a final post about this because...something kind of miraculous happened. I took much of this advice into consideration and was planning to have a talk with my girlfriend about the comments and mean jokes, but after a couple days I kinda lost my nerve.

 

Turns out, I didn't need it anyway because I think she might've noticed my gloominess around her and I kid you all not, she 100% asked me: "Am I sometimes too mean to you?". It truly felt like a god dang iron weight had just been lifted off my neck. I'm not sure if she realized the whole time or just suddenly had an epiphany looking at me or something but...I was so happy to hear her admit it, and apologize for it. I feel like a bit of a jerk for assuming that she wouldn't figure it out eventually.

 

She apologized and promised to try and cut down on the mean jokes all the time, she said she didn't realize they were affecting me so badly. Hopefully this is a good first step. Thank you all for the help.

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Hello everyone, OP here again. I feel the need to make a final post about this because...something kind of miraculous happened. I took much of this advice into consideration and was planning to have a talk with my girlfriend about the comments and mean jokes, but after a couple days I kinda lost my nerve.

 

Turns out, I didn't need it anyway because I think she might've noticed my gloominess around her and I kid you all not, she 100% asked me: "Am I sometimes too mean to you?". It truly felt like a god dang iron weight had just been lifted off my neck. I'm not sure if she realized the whole time or just suddenly had an epiphany looking at me or something but...I was so happy to hear her admit it, and apologize for it. I feel like a bit of a jerk for assuming that she wouldn't figure it out eventually.

 

She apologized and promised to try and cut down on the mean jokes all the time, she said she didn't realize they were affecting me so badly. Hopefully this is a good first step. Thank you all for the help.

 

There is no try. There is only do or do not.

 

I hope she really does stop, for your sake.

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No man I just think I've learned not to make a huge deal out of everything that upsets me. I've found it easier to just laugh away and joke about pain, even if that's not healthy.

 

I don't enjoy this "game" we play at all...I just like seeing her laugh and smile. Even if it hurts me I guess.

 

But I suppose I am reaching a point where her comments are affecting me in a profound way, otherwise I wouldn't post here. I'm trying to change this people-pleasing, "damn myself" philosophy. But it's tough to shake.

 

There's being easy going and able to laugh things off, then there's being a doormat, unable to set boundaries and unable to stand up for yourself in a relationship.

 

She's being extremely disrespectful and you need to be able to calmly but seriously communicate that. Joking about it and laughing it off won't make someone take your concerns seriously.

 

Maybe she's just young and insecure (and immature). I would talk to her seriously, once and only once, that this is very disrespectful, not to mention hurtful, and you do not want to hear it anymore. And that if she continues this behaviour, you will have to unfortunately end the relationship because it shows you that she has no respect for you or your boundaries, and you do not want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

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