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He's just not ready?! - What I've learned and your views please


Eahlswith

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Dear All,

 

I've read so much around this and feel I've made a good strong decision but I'm looking for your thoughts.

 

4 weeks ago I met a guy online. We met the same day for coffee and hit it off straight away. Since then we had a following 3 dates, 2 where he came to my town (45 mins drive away) and one where we met in the middle for dinner - I asked him to choose a place to eat and to let me know where and when.

 

On all dates we had so much fun, it was easy and light but with clear attraction on both sides. On date 4 he'd asked for me to come to him the next time so we could go through his wardrobe as I'd suggested I'd be happy to go clothes shopping and help him pick out some new things (bit of a hobby of mine). The same date I asked him outright what he was looking for and he said he 'wasn't sure' and then followed up by saying he thinks he's been a jerk for leading me on.

 

I don't think he lead me on, I mean, we hadn't slept together yet and I genuinely was just enjoying his company.

 

We both cried a little (bit extreme really but it happened) and after a bit more kissing and chatting he said he'd been dumped about 3 months ago by a girl he'd invested a lot in - apparently it came out the blue and he was gutted.

 

I said I respected him for being honest with me and that I'd really enjoyed our time together and thought he was lovely. After he left he text to say he can't believe he'd met someone like me using the words 'beauty', 'passion', 'awesome' and 'fun' to describe me. The next day he text again as I had given him some food I'd made and frozen for him to take to work. The message said how this was his last message (as we'd agreed to stop seeing each other) and that the food was just incredible and he really enjoyed it.

 

I replied to say he was welcome and I was glad he enjoyed my cooking - and there we are.

 

My decision is to move on (which I communicated, adding that if he were to change his mind to get in touch and if I were available we could look to pick things up) but I guess I'd like to know if after he's had some time, he might reconsider his position and decide he'd like to start dating me again with the view to it going somewhere in the future.

 

Yours, 31 and still hopeful.

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Sorry to hear this. At least he admitted not being ready to date early on. Good you ended it and went no contact. He may go back to the ex or keep trying or go on/off, etc. or date others, so waiting around is not a great option in this case.

 

Next time go slowly and don't do wife/gf stuff while just dating. It can scare people off that you are over-investing and getting too attached too soon.

 

Grown men can fend for their own food to take to work and pick out their own clothes to wear. Try to curb the mothering tenancies. Dating is to get to know someone.

4 weeks ago I met a guy online.On date 4 he'd asked for me to come to him the next time so we could go through his wardrobe.The same date I asked him outright what he was looking for and he said he 'wasn't sure' and then followed up by saying he thinks he's been a jerk for leading me on. The message said how it was his last message
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Hey wiseman, lovely to hear from you. I have to say this is who I am (food and clothes) and he was totally up for shopping and having me help him out so whilst that might scare some guys off and I completely get that, it wasn't the case here. I think he genuinely wasn't expecting to meet me or develop feelings for me so quickly and he admitted to that. He didn't have to message after leaving to say how amazing I was and how he really couldn't believe he'd met someone like me and off a dating app too, and I felt the same. It all seemed pretty 50/50 to me with him initiating dates, calling me and keen to see me without pushing sex.

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You've barely met, went on a few dates and you already were planning on going though his wardrobe, picking out his clothes, and sent food home with him???? Are you his mom?

 

I don't think he was leading you on, I think he got scared out of his mind at how fast you were moving in on him and getting into his personal space, aka wardrobe, clothes, etc. The whole sending the cooking home with him was also way too deep into instant relationship territory rather than two people going out on dates getting to know each other. You may have had the best of intentions, but I'm afraid you might have come off as that "crazy" chic who is looking to move in and get married like yesterday.

 

I doubt he will change his mind. As for you, going forward with others on other dates, take it easy a bit and don't mommy the guy even if shopping and style is a bit of hobby for you. Even if he tempts you with something like "I'm looking to change some things." leave him to it and curb your own enthusiasm. It's just going to be too much too soon for most people.

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But yet, he ended it and no matter what nice things he mentioned, that is the final result. He wasn't ready to date and not into it.

I have to say this is who I am (food and clothes) and he was totally up for shopping and having me help him out so whilst that might scare some guys off and I completely get that, it wasn't the case here.
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I don't think he was leading you on, I think he got scared out of his mind at how fast you were moving in on him and getting into his personal space, aka wardrobe, clothes, etc. The whole sending the cooking home with him was also way too deep into instant relationship territory rather than two people going out on dates getting to know each other. You may have had the best of intentions, but I'm afraid you might have come off as that "crazy" chic who is looking to move in and get married like yesterday.

 

 

Hey, before he left he said it was such a shame we weren't continuing to see each other as he was looking forward to going shopping together for him amongst other things we'd talked about doing...

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Well...he seems to have said a lot of things but his feet went in an opposite direction didn't they?

 

Precisely why I said in my previous post that you ought to learn to step lightly early on and not take as gospel whatever the guy is telling you in those initial dates. Dude who doesn't know you whispering sweet nothings in your ear is just that, sweet nothings. Might be fun to hear, even flattering, but don't be so naive as to buy it like it's worth something. Things take time to become real.

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Yes, he was sad that I said I couldn't as for me it would seem weird to go from dating to friends and then perhaps I'd hold out that something might happen so I thought this was the best way to go. He didn't want to leave anyway and when we were chatting he said that he couldn't believe how kind and sweet I was compared with previous girls who just took from him (emotionally mainly), He genuinely seemed like he was sad to not be ready if that makes sense and he kept saying 'I really like you' WAY before I even said I liked him and even then it wasn't 'really' like just 'I like you too'.

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I think you did the right things in asking him what he is looking for and ending things.

 

I do think, in the future, you'd want to cut down on the whole "helping a new date clothes shop" thing.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I mentioned clothes shopping after we'd had our chat about ending things and he seemed bummed we wouldn't be doing that or indeed anything else. Now I'm written about it I'm feeling a little down because he seemed so into me. He kept saying how he'd not met anyone so sweet and affectionate, someone who actually seemed to care that he had fun when out with friends and interested in his job and other interests.

 

My guess is he's not over his ex as he talked about her and also being scared about taking a risk, worried he'd feel responsible for 'taking care of' or 'supporting' someone who might discard him like a few of his exes have seemingly done from what he told me.

 

I know I can't convince him otherwise and I shouldn't so I backed off which seemed the only thing for me to do to protect myself. I know if we continued I'd likely continue to develop feelings for him which seem unlikely to be reciprocated in his current state of mind.

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Perhaps he has given them the 'too scared, not ready' speech he gave you and they ran like you did?

My guess is he's not over his ex as he talked about her and also being scared about taking a risk, worried he'd feel responsible for 'taking care of' or 'supporting' someone who might discard him like a few of his exes have seemingly done from what he told me.
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Perhaps he has given them the 'too scared, not ready' speech he gave you and they ran like you did?

 

Maybe, maybe not. He'd been with his ex for 18 months and put her on his car insurance, travelled 3 hours to see her most weekends and apparently she ended it after a family party saying she couldn't do the long distance.

 

I'll never know I guess - just seems like a bit of a waste when we were clearly getting on so well, it was natural, easy and nice ...

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I have similar experience with a guy who is not ready. We dated for a month, got into a relationship for another month, we were so happy when we were together but then he brokeup with me saying he is not ready (he was divorced for 6 months when we dated). After we got into a relationship he wrote me a card saying how lucky he was to meet me, and said I'm an amazing person when he brokeup with me. We had a pretty clean breakup, almost no cotnact for 3 months, met for the first time after 4 months and he said he would be up for hanging out again. It has been another month he hasn't reach out to hangout yet so pretty clear he is not looking to date me again. I really like this guy so I'll try hanging out with him as friends for a bit and see if that lead to anything; however, I'm not putting much hope and going on date with others as well.

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My decision is to move on (which I communicated, adding that if he were to change his mind to get in touch and if I were available we could look to pick things up) but I guess I'd like to know if after he's had some time, he might reconsider his position and decide he'd like to start dating me again with the view to it going somewhere in the future.

 

This was a smart move on your part, but I'd skip investing in speculation about anyone 3 months out of a breakup. Your goal isn't to position yourself as someone's distraction or crutch in a rebound situation. Those feel fabulous--at first. At least until the speech about what a wonderful woman you are, but he 'should have' taken more time to 'find himself'.

 

This doesn't make the guy a villain, but he's just not relationships material--and he probably won't be for a long time. So I wouldn't consider the idea of allowing this guy to reach for you prematurely. Of COURSE he'll say he's ready and no longer rebounding, but rebounders are never a reliable judge of their own position. They miss coupledom sometimes, they miss sex, they miss a lot of 'stuff' they've become habitually comfortable with, and so they'll reach for someone new to satisfy all of that even while they've not adjusted to a single life well enough and for long enough to be on solid ground.

 

One of the first screening questions I'd ask any potential date before meeting is 'How long since your last relationship?" Back burner anyone who's finalized a divorce or broken up a LTR within 6 months, and definitely skip anyone who's separated but not divorced.

 

The goal is to find a good match for you, not to 'convert' a bad match into a good one. That won't work, or it might 'appear' to work--until it doesn't.

 

Head high, and allow bad matches to pass early. There will be plenty more of those, but you're looking for the needle in the haystack who will be RIGHT for you.

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Dear All,

 

The same date I asked him outright what he was looking for and he said he 'wasn't sure' and then followed up by saying he thinks he's been a jerk for leading me on.

 

I don't think he lead me on, I mean, we hadn't slept together yet and I genuinely was just enjoying his company.

 

We both cried a little (bit extreme really but it happened) and after a bit more kissing and chatting he said he'd been dumped about 3 months ago by a girl he'd invested a lot in - apparently it came out the blue and he was gutted.

 

The message said how this was his last message (as we'd agreed to stop seeing each other)

 

My decision is to move on (which I communicated, adding that if he were to change his mind to get in touch and if I were available we could look to pick things up) but I guess I'd like to know if after he's had some time, he might reconsider his position and decide he'd like to start dating me again with the view to it going somewhere in the future.

 

.

I'm confused.

He said he felt he led you on. You both agree to stop seeing each other. He texts you stating it's his final text but in a later post you state you are the one who decided to end it.

 

I only ask because the answer to question depends on it.

3 months out of a relationship, you two have some fun dates and he puts the brakes on and extricates himself from your life?

 

It sort of smacks of him being in some sort of contact with the ex. 3 months out and tipping your toe in the dating game makes some reconsider and return.

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If you stay in touch you're setting yourself up for that type of dishonest (with yourself) "well he said right away he wasn't ready for a relationship (with me) but we stayed friends and ended up sleeping together but he still says he's not ready for a relationship but he loves my home cooking and wardrobe suggestions, I'm confused!" Don't go there.

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I'm confused.

He said he felt he led you on. You both agree to stop seeing each other. He texts you stating it's his final text but in a later post you state you are the one who decided to end it.

 

I only ask because the answer to question depends on it.

3 months out of a relationship, you two have some fun dates and he puts the brakes on and extricates himself from your life?

 

It sort of smacks of him being in some sort of contact with the ex. 3 months out and tipping your toe in the dating game makes some reconsider and return.

 

Sorry for the confusion, he wanted to keep seeing me but I said no because we want different things.

 

Since then I have made a decision, quite a weird on for me actually. I called him and we had some back and forth phone tennis before we finally had a chat and I said that although I am still (ideally) looking for a relationship, if he still wanted to hangout then I'd like that. I made it clear sex is off the table and he still seemed interested in rock climbing, going shopping together, blah blah blah. I said I'd be dating other guys so it'd be nonexclusive.

 

I really wasn't expecting him to agree to this arrangement but it works for me. We have so much fun together, and whose to say he's the right guy for me anyway - it might just fade out and that's why I'm fine with it. I get to see other guys - keep him as an option and if he wants to step up that's his choice (he knows I like him). If not, I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket.

 

Proof will be in the pudding anyway if he does actually contact me to hang out cool and if not I have my answer.

 

Erm, just seen Batya33's response - I wonder what you think about that?!

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Oh gosh - my thinking is breaks on on the sex front as that's the bit that gets me more emotionally attached so it's now out the equation. I want to detach myself from the 'relationship' if that makes sense as it's not a relationship and I think I brought up the 'definition' too soon. I've essentially dialed it back which he seems fine with and like I said, proof is in the pudding - if he wants to hang out he'll ask and if he doesn't no big loss.

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I thought I did too but jeez, I don't know the guy - I mean how could I after 4 dates. What if we're not right together and it just fades naturally? what if playing it cool and dating around is the right thing to do? (taking the sex off the table). There's something about him, I can't put my finger on it but like an innocence or erm playful naivety. He's predominately been with women in their early twenties (he's 30) and I'm the first women he's met older (I'm 31) who has a job, more life experience, a career, knows more about what a man likes in terms of affection (I'm actually bloody good at it and don't mind admitting it).

 

I felt kinda bad for him that he'd not had a back massage, been cooked for, had a strip tease or a gf wear sexy underwear for him etc etc. He was genuinely amazed that I wanted to give him a back massage when we were in my bedroom and said on a number of occasions he wasn't used to the attention and affection I gave him - it was obvious in his tone, his body language - he felt awkward at first but then settled into it and really enjoyed what I was doing (all PG). He said he couldn't believe we'd met and that it was so unexpected for him to find all these qualities in one woman - plus him thinking I'm smart, interesting and quirky.

 

Anyway, my theory is, if he wants me either now or over time he'll step up and make the effort to hang out. I've left the door open, communicated where I'm at clearly, so it's his decision.

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