Jump to content

Am I getting cold feet?


Recommended Posts

My partner and I have been engaged for about a year now and have been together for over three years. We are an older couple so we both know what we are looking for in a partner. She has always wanted to be committed and so we got engaged but we have not set a date yet. She also has fears of getting married, because she has been independent for over 17 years and although she like the assurance of being committed (engaged) but is afraid to move forward.

I am beginning to feel like something is missing and out of curiosity, I began to look through online personals. Well now I am confused and am trying to figure out what I should do next (continue to wait in the current relationship or move on from this relationship)? I want to move forward but she wants to move sideways and is happy where things are now. On the other hand, I began to chat with someone else who I feel could possibly share more core values than my current relationship (so now I find myself comparing).

All advise welcomed and thank you in advance.

Link to comment

If you already live together, what's gonna change after marriage? I don't buy the whole independence thing. Are there other issues in the relationship that make either of you have doubts?

 

Is marriage important to you in general or are you happy with just cohabitation?

 

I would suggest not start anything new while you're still with your current partner.

Link to comment

Giving up one's independence is a valid concern, but its not "giving up your independence" - its being strong and independent and together. The hardest part would be getting used to sharing a bed every night and talking about finances. You have already damaged this by looking elsewhere. You need to stop now. You either need to have all the small conversations couples need to have or tell her you want to set a wedding date. If she won't set a date, then its time to say goodbye. But because you are emotionally cheating already, confessing and moving on is probably the best bet.

Link to comment
If you already live together, what's gonna change after marriage? I don't buy the whole independence thing. Are there other issues in the relationship that make either of you have doubts?

 

Is marriage important to you in general or are you happy with just cohabitation?

 

I would suggest not start anything new while you're still with your current partner.

 

We are not living together at this time. We mainly see each other on the weekends. It has been this way for three years and still no date in mind. Am I just supposed to sit and wait....

 

The main reason for me wanting to move forward in the relationship was so that we could live together. But she is happy just being engaged and only seeing each other on the weekends.

Link to comment
We are not living together at this time. We mainly see each other on the weekends. It has been this way for three years and still no date in mind. Am I just supposed to sit and wait....

 

The main reason for me wanting to move forward in the relationship was so that we could live together. But she is happy just being engaged and only seeing each other on the weekends.

 

Then you might not have compatible relationships goals...might be time to move on

Link to comment
I began to chat with someone else who I feel could possibly share more core values

 

You're positioning a new person to witness one of those core values as a capacity for disloyalty. That's sewing poison seeds. You're a grown adult and able to deal with your current relationship at face value rather than stacking your partner as a villain against fantasy building with others. That's messy kid stuff, and it will set the stage for misery with whoever you opt to leapfrog over to. She'll enjoy her 'win' for about 5 minutes before it occurs to her that you'll do the same to her someday. That's a fail before you start.

 

Finish old business before starting new.

Link to comment

I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's really a terrible thing to visit online dating sites, and especially go so far as to start chatting with someone, when you're in a relationship of any sort. This is not okay. It's cheating, plain and simple. I'm confused about which one of you is delaying moving forward in the relationship. Maybe she's not blameless here, but it still doesn't make it okay to cheat. If she's not meeting your needs, then have a conversation about it. If nothing gets resolved, then break up before you begin seeing what else is out there. That's what you should have done, but unfortunately you've already crossed the line. I would suggest fessing up and seeing if there is anything to be saved from this relationship. If neither one of you are willing to move the relationship forward and cut off all other options, then you shouldn't be together - much less engaged.

Link to comment

You say you don't want to "sit and wait" - so don't. She isn't forcing you. Have a grown-up conversation with your fully grown fiancee about where this relationship is going and what she is doing to get over her fears. If she is unwilling to commit any more than she is right now and get married to you soon (and be with you every day, make a life with you, etc.) then you act like a grown up and break things off with her, BEFORE talking to other women and dating online.

 

In the meantime, be completely honest with all parties because believe me, it is NOT sexy to any healthy/ stable woman to find out the guy who's talking to her online is a creep with a fiancee on the side.

 

And, frankly, I would have questions about marrying my fiancee if his response to issues in our relationship was to start looking for other prospects. That is the sign of a weak person, and a weak relationship with zero future. Maybe her doubts about marrying you have to do with a feeling you might not be a great partner after all.

Link to comment

"...could possibly share more core values than my current relationship (so now I find myself comparing)."

- To be kind: your core is weakness and the other person, cheater.

 

The ring is a promise to marry.

If she doesn't want to, ask for the ring back and stay away from the green-grass internet.

Link to comment

When married you become each other's next of kin and assets become joint assets.

 

It would be best to both have your financials in order regarding wills, trusts, assets, health care proxy, etc. as well as consult an attorney an get some premarital counseling before just handing out diamond rings like candy to smooth things over.

 

First you say "She has always wanted to be committed" but then say "she also has fears of getting married"

 

Engaged is a preparation for marriage not a reassurance of something. At this point you're cheating so end it and move on and stop stringing this lady along.

My partner and I have been engaged for about a year now and have been together for over three years. We are an older couple. she like the assurance of being committed. I began to look through online personals. I began to chat with someone else who I feel could possibly share more core values than my current relationship.
Link to comment
Engaged is a preparation for marriage not a reassurance of something. At this point you're cheating so end it and move on and stop stringing this lady along.

How long of a preparation does one require for marriage? Do you prepare your whole life,for death...?

I want more and she is happy where we are (weekend visits a years of being engaged to one and other). Does marriage have no meaning??? Is this the new norm?

Link to comment

You are cheating on dating sites and in a sham 'engagement', so the rhetorical questions won't help with that. Simply ending it will help if you want marriage and she doesn't.

 

Very likely she wants to keep her assets and pass them to her kids not a new husband. Plus she may not want the hassles of marriage and just a relationship and company.

 

Why do you want to get married and why are you trawling dating sites rather than breaking up and being honest about it?

I want more and she is happy where we are weekend visits a years of being engaged to one and other
Link to comment
How long of a preparation does one require for marriage? Do you prepare your whole life,for death...?

I want more and she is happy where we are (weekend visits a years of being engaged to one and other). Does marriage have no meaning??? Is this the new norm?

 

Do you any say in this or is it totally up to her?

 

You need have that difficult conversation with her where you both put all your cards on the table and see if you two have a common end goal. Move on or move in.

 

You need to have the courage and integrity to handle this possible impasse like an adult.

 

It appears you see the writing on the wall and are already shopping for her replacement.

That way it's easier for you to do what you really want to do and place the blame on her for having done it.

Does she deserve that?

By the looks of it, you are both good people that likely just want different things.

 

You signed up for this. No one forced you.

 

All you need to do is talk to her about both of your wants, needs and expectations.

Link to comment
How long of a preparation does one require for marriage? Do you prepare your whole life,for death...?

I want more and she is happy where we are (weekend visits a years of being engaged to one and other). Does marriage have no meaning??? Is this the new norm?

 

Given that you are cheating on your fiancee, complaining about "norms" sounds a TAD hypocritical...

And given the way you choose to handle your disagreement, it sounds like you fiancee's reservations about marrying you are very valid. Break up with her already.

Link to comment
How long of a preparation does one require for marriage? Do you prepare your whole life,for death...?

I want more and she is happy where we are (weekend visits a years of being engaged to one and other). Does marriage have no meaning??? Is this the new norm?

 

Nobody's telling you to be satisfied with your current relationship if you're not. Address that with your partner, and decide whether the two of you can resolve it, or not. If not, conclude the relationship, and THEN move on to seek other people.

 

Nothing justifies disloyalty to one person and deceptiveness to others. Those others are either operating under the assumption that you're unencumbered by a current relationship, or you've been honest about that and they're sick enough to engage your disloyalty to your partner. Either way, you're compromising your ethics, and that will bite you rather than help you.

 

This isn't about us judging you, it's about self honesty. If you operate like a snake, you'll feel like one, which you can get defensive about while still feeling lousy, or you can opt to operate differently and feel better about that. This also isn't about defending your partner's behavior if you're unhappy with it. We're simply saying to address THAT, and then you can enjoy one of two outcomes: you'll either fix your relationship, or you'll free yourself to pursue a better relationship.

 

Those two options are the only reasonable ways to move yourself out of limbo hell.

 

Head high.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...