My story from another part of the world - lost fairytale

Hi. I decided to write my long story hoping that even though I might not post it or nobody might read it maybe the writing itself in English would help me get through this tough day - 4 months since our ‘official’ breakup. I come from a small country in the Balkans, I’m gay, and totally devastated after I lost what I now consider the love of my life; and yes I have had my share of relationships, dates, even loves. Being gay in this part of the world is terrible by itself, which makes my loss even worse.

We first met about two years ago and the ‘click’ between us was amazing. Unfortunately, two weeks into what we then considered hanging out my being an atheist and his being a really devoted believer draw us apart, even though he tried to assure me that it’s not about faith but rather about his still being attached to his ex. I really liked the guy and - even though when we first chatted online and figured that our views on life were so much different, I suggested that meeting in person maybe wasn’t such a clever idea, yet he insisted – I was ready to try to overcome the differences. He said no and that was it. He left his mark in me though and I thought about him a lot in the following months but I decided to respect his decision.

Fast forward to August 2015, some eight months after we last saw each other, we ran into each in a gay friendly club and had a chat; he told me he was done with this country and wanted to go abroad or try his luck with a job on a cruise ship again (he already worked on a ship 6 years earlier) because that was still his dream. Our conversation was short and during the evening he came to my table once again, we chatted a bit more, I was kind of down because I figured that I still liked him but we simply could not be together. Again, I thought about him a lot the whole night and decided to text him when I got home. I told him that I was really happy to see him again, that I consider him a really nice guy despite our differences and wished him best wherever he decided to go next. I really had no intention to start anything nor did I think that anything was possible especially given that he wanted to leave the country. To my surprise, he replied immediately and it wasn’t just a thank you message. He started hitting on me, saying we should meet again, talk and see what might happen. I said ok, but after I got back from a vacation with a friend of mine. Our texting continued the following week and it was already obvious where we were going, so when I got back and met him we immediately decided to give it a try.

The following 5 months was something I never thought possible - a fairytale. I was worried about the faith thing in the beginning but soon enough I figured that he had changed in that sense (I did not ask him to do it). I was surprised when we went out for the first time and he ordered wine (he is Muslim and he never drank alcohol as far as I knew). I asked him about it and he said that he got tired of having followed every single rule for 5 years, praying five times a day, and that he started losing friends for being too devoted to faith. He did go to mosque every Friday, still believed in God but, as he said, he needed a break. So, faith wasn’t something we talked much about, but I kept insisting that he should do whatever he felt or wanted to do because I didn’t want to be blamed for something later. In the first month of our relationship I met his parents, grandparents, brother, the whole family and he met my mother. His family liked me and accepted me as his boyfriend, same as my mother did him, which is something unbelievable if one considers where we lived. So, the fairytale was on. We weren’t living together but I spent at least 3 days a week at his place. It was beautiful, I’d never felt like that before. Soon enough I found out that he had some problems at work, might lose his job, and first of all because it was his dream he wanted to go for 6 months on a cruise ship. I said ok but deep inside I already felt deeply sad. I wanted to support him in fulfilling his dream but at the same time I felt terrified that ship-life might become his choice for the future, especially after I read a lot about how addictive working on a cruiser may become. I expressed my fears several times which got him angry, he blamed me for not being supportive, and yeah, I really felt bad about my feelings. Soon he got a call and we found out that he was going to go on a ship in February. The more I thought about the ship, the more I heard him talking with other people about it, the more nervous I got, but I did my best to hide it, to be supportive, to help him organize everything and I wanted to enjoy every moment we had. My greatest fear was that 5 months is simply to short of a period for a 6 months separation, it was like running into a super serious problem straight from a fairytale – everything went too quickly and I felt lost. He was mostly happy for his new job but also sad for leaving me. As we were getting closer to the February, I felt strange, sometimes even as an obstacle. We did argue a couple of times but he assured me that everything will be ok. I really had no problem with one contract (6 months) but I was afraid what might happen if he liked it there. We survived till the departure day though and we even felt really strong about it. He did hint several times among other people that he didn’t know how long he would stay but I decided not to notice it.

Soon enough he left, we cried at the airport and promised to love each other forever. I was scared to death, analyzed his behaviour during the previous five months and figured that there was no way he would quit after one contract only. The rollercoaster began the moment hi hit the sea. He posted all happy and smiley pics all the time on FB and I felt like nothing really. Literally four days after he left we talked on the phone and I said that I felt strange and he got all angry, told me I was not happy for him and insisted that he never said he would stay only for one contract and that he belonged there (on the ship). He killed a part of me right there and after that I simply didn’t know how to react on his messages or FB posts. I felt more and more as a stepping stone, as an option. He insisted that I was crazy and that I was ruining everything with my negativity, even threatened that I might get what I ask for. I blamed myself every time I said anything which he didn’t like, I tried my best to be supportive, but I could not understand his behaviour – he even posted on FB “you never asked me to stay”.. i went to see him once when his ship stopped in a port in a neghbouring country a month and a half after he left and we spent a couple of hourse together, I asked him to stop playing games, to stop with saying ‘I love this life’ one day and ‘I hate it, I wanna come home’ the day after. I tried to explain to him that it was driving me crazy, tried to tell him how it was on this side of the story. I just wanted to know when he decides to sign up for another contract so that I can think about it and prepare myself for it. But, few days after we saw each other he became his old self. One day he would say, “This is not for me”, than a day after that he would say “This is a good job for me”, than, “I am sitting on the shore, thinking about all of this – maybe this isn’t a good life for me after all..”. It was a dream on nice days and something “I do for us” on bad days, even though I never ever took one penny from him. At one moment in May I couldn’t take it no more and I asked him to stop telling me anything about his job and the ship. His grandma got really ill here and I offered to help as much as I could and we actually did stop talking about the ship and the future. A couple of weeks later his grandma died and he was devastated about it. Even though I asked nothing, for the following two months he would often text me saying he was quitting that job after the first contract, that he had enough, his dream was fulfilled and he couldn’t wait to get off, that was “just a bad episode of a cheap series”. I tried not to comment on that because I had learned by then how quickly his opinion might change. However, as the day of seeing him got closer I was starting to believe that it really was it and that he would not leave again. I was more than happy, couldn’t wait to see him. August finally came; I thought that was it, 20 days to go, and then one day in a response to a friend’s question on FB about his second contract he posted that he was leaving again in November. I really freaked out. I could not believe that I would find out about something so important to me on Facebook. We had a terrible fight, he said he had to write that because that was his boss who posted the question... – of course, once again I felt guilty and I apologized. From that moment on he changed completely. In the following days we went from being so happy to get together again to my asking him to tell me if it was over between us. I was devastated, apologized for everything, for every reaction I had had from the beginning. He, as a master when it comes to ignoring people, simply ignored me. If I opened my heart and wrote about how sorry I am and asked if we were over, he would just say No or he wouldn’t reply at all. As it happened, I had to go to China for a seminar so I was not going to be in the country when he got back home. I was to get back 10 days after his arrival. My days in China were ruined as well because I did not know what was happening between us. When I got back I hoped he would wait for me at the airport but there was my sister instead. When we finally talked on the phone he said that he would come to my place the day after but with his mother (he couldn’t find his driver’s license).. I felt angry, hurt, worried and lost at the same time.

They came; I was totally blocked, didn’t know if we were just friends or still a couple, he felt offended by the way I acted. It continued like that for another almost 2 months until he finally left me (over a text message). I should have said that after that initial phone call when he first left, and after we saw each other in April, we never talked again on the phone or saw each other over skype. Everything happened in texting which was also driving me crazy. I asked him so many times to call me, to send me a voice message at least, but he always insisted that the wifi on the ship was bad. The next two months were so crazy that I still cannot get my head round it. I pleaded, begged, called, texted, I told him I’ll wait for him again, just to talk about it and figure out how to make it better. We met twice; both times I asked him if it was over between us, he said no, he needed more time, which drove me even more worried. He was so cold, spiteful, so not himself those two times we met. Then he once again said it was over in an email, saying that the beautiful emotion was simply lost... and I finally accepted. I went no contact for a while and felt like I was dying at the same time. I found out that he was looking for another one for ‘something serious and permanent’ online.. To try to shorten the story, I went from thinking he might be a narcissist to blaming myself for everything. He actually did blame for everything both times we met. He said my negativity destroyed us, negating completely that he kept me confusing all the time with his different statements all the time. He supposedly didn’t even remember that he said he belonged there in February...

As for me, I’ve been through hell for these past 4 months. I think the worst thing is that I do blame myself; I know that I could have done better, could stop asking why he said what he said, stop reacting. That’s why I asked him to try again, to learn from our mistakes but he simply didn’t see himself responsible one bit.

Two weeks ago I decided to break the NC and sent him an email (he is on a ship somewhere) wishing him all the best in the New Year and in life. I asked him not to reply cause I wanted that email to be a kind of a closure for me. Once again I opened my heart, said how much I loved him and always will but that I know he didn’t love me no more. He replied and left me without words once again. Since our breakup he got hooked on the idea of the Law of Attraction. He is very attached to his mother who is a psychologist, and I believe that she introduced him to that. His whole reply was about me being negative, destroying the positive vibration. He said that I first attracted him last August with my positive vibe and that the Universe got me what I wanted: him – but then I became all negative from the day he left on that ship and the Universe took him from me. He even recommended some books about the subject; he actually gave me a lecture about the Law of Attraction and shifted the blame all on me once again. There was no Hi nor Goodbye in that email. I must say that I felt better after that email. I expected everything from no reply as I asked to a spiteful one, but I never expected a lecture on LOA. I will not go into what I think or know about LOA but I will say that I don’t know what to think about him, former us, the whole situation and the year behind me.

The feeling that we broke up over misunderstandings and that we deserved to try harder will always stay with me. I am one of those who believe that people who love each other can get through everything. I know for a fact that there are no too many people out there who would accept to wait for six months after a relationship of only 5 months, especially among gay people and especially in this part of the world. The fact that I waited, that I did not give up even when he was driving me crazy and I wanted to, I thought that would have been enough to give our love another try. I was wrong. Now I go from being a zombie really to being angry, lost, sad... It is painful beyond belief. I never believed in fairytales, never believed in Hollywood films, but I started believing in our fairytale even though there were so many red flags from the beginning. I don’t know how to get back to myself after this; it’s been going on too long. I’ve been heartbroken before, but this is something I never knew was possible.

I left out many more details to make this story shorter. I apologize for the length of it and thank you for reading. Any comment, suggestion, help is more than welcome.

- Nn

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately he doesn't sounds like the relationship type and only wants casual. This "destroying the positive vibration", gibberish when tossed out at you this way, means he wants to be shallow and go from buzz to buzz, not deal with real people, real things or real life..

I must say that I felt better after that email.

Good. Because that means at least part of you understands that he is awful, even if another large part of you is still in love with him.

In time, the pain you feel WILL fade, and you will see how comical it is that he thinks he's some sort of gift from God. But it will take time, and you have to take good care of yourself in the meantime.

The fact that it is difficult to be gay in your part of the world is probably adding to your sense despair, unfortunately. On top of everything else, you have that pressure.

He showed you his true colors right here:

Literally four days after he left we talked on the phone and I said that I felt strange and he got all angry, told me I was not happy for him and insisted that he never said he would stay only for one contract and that he belonged there (on the ship). He killed a part of me right there and after that I simply didn’t know how to react on his messages or FB posts. I felt more and more as a stepping stone, as an option. He insisted that I was crazy and that I was ruining everything with my negativity, even threatened that I might get what I ask for.

Someone who loved you would consider and respect your feelings, not shame you for them. He turned on the charm when it suited him, but couldn't keep it up when it inconvenienced him and what he wanted for himself.

There's a book called The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck, which you might be interested in reading.

Thank you both! The blame game is killing me, and seeing that not only the people in my circle of friends don't see me as the only one to blame really means a lot.

There's a book called The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck, which you might be interested in reading.

I really like the book, thanks for recommending it! Funny thing I forgot to mention earlier: right after my last email and his reply, I figured that he unblocked me on FB. I have managed not to check his profile and I've untagged myself from his photos.

I have managed not to check his profile and I've untagged myself from his photos.

That's great!

Glad you like the book. I thought it made some really good points very eloquently. Especially about love.

A friend of mine told me that my ex is crazy in love according to his statuses on FB. He feels that the new love is the one, wants to tattoo his name... It's been few months since we broke up, I expected him to find someone even sooner, but it does hurt and I hate myself for that. I do wish him well and happiness and I don't think I feel jealous. It's just that feeling of having been just a stepping stone or something. And my recovery is so slow...

Some people have shallow feelings. When they go "all-in," it's still very topical and doesn't hurt a lot when things end.

Others have deep feelings, and it guts you when it ends.

A friend of mine told me that my ex is crazy in love according to his statuses on FB. He feels that the new love is the one, wants to tattoo his name... It's been few months since we broke up, I expected him to find someone even sooner, but it does hurt and I hate myself for that. I do wish him well and happiness and I don't think I feel jealous. It's just that feeling of having been just a stepping stone or something. And my recovery is so slow...

I've always thought the brighter the flame initially the faster the flame goes out. He could very well end up in the group of people who regret getting their significant other names or initial tattooed on their arm like my boyfriend lol. Not to wish bad luck on him but let's be realistic lol. ]