Long-Term (Ex) Girlfriend Dating New Guy

My ex and I dated for two and a half years – starting her freshman year of college – and broke up a month or two before she graduated. If the timeline doesn’t check out its because she is intelligent and driven and completed her degree in three years. Up until the ending few months of our relationship, we got along perfect. We rarely argued and, when we did, we worked together to solve the issues. There were a couple of issues that were consistent throughout the relationship:

- I wrestled and was exhausted from working out three times a day and cutting ten pounds a week so I had very little energy and drive to go out and have a lot of dates.

- I live in a one bedroom, studio apartment (moved into it after a year of dating) that we would spend most of our time in because, due to wrestling, I really didn’t want to go to her place and endure her roommates. Two people, no matter how much they care about each other, living in a 300-square foot home are going to drive each other crazy.

- I also live nine hours away from home and, due to the wrestling schedule, only got to go home for four days on Christmas break and a week or two over the summer. This was something she could not relate to since she was only 45 minutes away from home. Not seeing your friends and family and not being able to go home for that long can get you down so sometimes I was rude in my bad mood. But who isn’t rude sometimes?

- I am a poor college student on a tight budget who couldn’t pay for much.

Anyways, our break up was long and drawn out. It wasn’t necessarily bad per se but it just took a while for us to call it off. I would guess it was not officially over until sometime in the summer after she graduated, but there was always talks of picking it back up and trying again. It seemed like whenever one of us was into it the other wasn’t and vice-versa for whatever reason. She was accepted into medical school three and a half hours away and I am still at school finishing my final semester. We both agreed it would probably be best not to talk to each other, though there were sometimes occasional talks. I really started to miss her but she was distracted and in a new area so I think she was too busy to miss me. I saw that she seemed to be fine and doing well so, out of pride and spite, I pretended I was great and I was over her which ended up coming off like I didn’t care about her anymore. I was only trying to protect myself. I started hooking up with a couple of girls but I always told them the situation before we started – that I wasn’t over my ex and it would only be a rebound relationship with them. Right before Christmas – which I got to go home for since I completed my four years of athletic eligibility – I decided trying to replace her with random girls and rebounds wasn’t going to do the trick, so I made the mental commitment that I was going to do whatever it took to get her back. My drive home takes me by her campus, if I drive a little out of the way, so I decided to drop off a finals care package to her since she still had finals left. Brought her favorite pop/soda (not trying to get into that argument on here), favorite candy, some candles, wine, a hand-written letter, and a joint because she is in a serious major and gets stressed easily. I dropped it off at her door, started driving home and texted her to check her porch. We texted a little and she thanked me for doing that and joked around with each other. When I got home I texted her because she asked me to tell her if I got home okay. We spent the next morning texting some as well. It felt just like old times until she randomly says, “This doesn’t mean anything, we’re not getting back together just so you know.” I told her that’s fine, I was just talking to her but I did warn her I was going to try and win her back. She drops the bombshell… She has been talking to someone for a little while. So, naturally, she says we shouldn’t talk anymore. While home I prepare my Christmas gift for her: 13 thank you cards filled out with a bunch of things I wanted to thank her for because I never did before, another hand-written letter, our first date I taught her to play guitar and she taught me to knit (sort of) so I knitted her a scarf, I wrote a song for her as well, and bought a picture that someone had hand painted the cover of her favorite book (Catcher in the Rye) on top of a page from the book and I framed it. I went back to school early so I could deliver my gift to her while she was still home on break. I drove to her house around midnight, threw some rocks at her window which she didn’t answer, so I had to call her and ask her to come outside. She came out and I gave her the gifts and sang/played the song I wrote for her. She would ask me to stop softly and looked to be on the verge of tears as I played. Her mom came out for a second, didn’t know what was going on, stared at me, went back inside, came back out, stared some more, and went back inside which was very awkward. After I finished my song she asked me to stop giving her gifts because it just makes her feel bad and she asked me to go, which I did. The next day we talked a lot over text about everything. I asked her to call me so we could talk and could at least get some closure but she said it would make it too hard for her. I told her I understood but I would really appreciate a call to which she agreed to call in four days. She never calls, I text her saying, “Hey, I know you’re busy but it would be great if you could call me. I hope your day is going well and you’re not too stressed out over school.” and said goodnight. That went on for a week, she doesn’t call, I send that kind of text once at night. Finally, I wake up to a Twitter direct message telling me she blocked my number because she just couldn’t do this right now. Her and the guy had just started dating about two days before and she said not to reply with a long message because she couldn’t take reading another one. I didn’t see it right away, so 20 minutes later she messages me again asking for a response… I simply replied with “please just call me” to which she agreed. Later that night she called and we talked for 40 minutes. I had prepared a bullet point outline for everything I wanted to say and, for about 25 minutes, I did most of the talking. She laughed at some of the jokes I made, she cried at the sweet parts, she really seemed to be responding to what I was saying. I get done with my speech and we talk for another 15 minutes about whatever. We are clicking like we always have, we are laughing, listening, crying, telling each other we love you and that we miss each other but she says she has been talking to this guy for a while and it’s not fair to him if we talk like this. So, I tell her I should probably go, she agrees but keeps apologizing and telling me she loves me and misses me until I say my final goodbye and hang up. She decided to keep my number blocked but told me, if I need anything, to message her on Twitter. In our conversation, I tell her I understand why she thinks we should be apart (new school, distance, new guy) and I understand why she is dating this new guy – who I don’t hate because she is amazing so I’m sure he is a good guy – but I straight up call him a rebound, which she does not argue. She keeps talking about a little in the future, a couple of years or so, where she hopes we can try again but she just can’t right now. I think it’s because trying to make us work and failing would hurt much worse than this brand-new relationship not working out, which I do understand because I am afraid to get hurt too. My issue is I’m the type of person that, when I care about something, I’ll go through hell to make it work and I think she is just too afraid, so I have a hard time understanding her choice to be with him when we clearly care so much about each other and are still in love and have great chemistry. I told her in our conversation thanked her because I have written enough songs just about her to make a CD and she laughed and told me I should record one. I don’t have the money, am not great at guitar, and have an awful voice so I am not going to record one. Instead, I used my phone to record me singing and playing, uploaded it to my iTunes library, and burnt a CD which I am sending her. I also bought this gag-gift for Christmas called TwinkleTush to cover your cats b-hole but it was back ordered so it hasn’t come yet. I need to send that still. Her birthday is also coming up and I saw something that she would love and I bought it (a signed album/record of her favorite band). Part of me is excited because I know it will probably be the greatest gift she ever received and, a meaner part of me is excited because I know it will blow whatever new boyfriend gets her out of the water. Ha-ha. But I guess we are no contact mode right now and her birthday is in a little less than a month and I plan to make that the cutoff date of me making a fool of myself trying to win her back. I’m hoping someone out there can provide insight, past experiences, advice, anything else they think I should try, words of encouragement, etc. Thank you in advance to everyone who answers and sorry for the long post…

Please add paragraph breaks. Its hard to read a wall of text. i'd be happy to comment, but its hard to read

What i did read - you need to stop the thank yous and the gifts - you need to move on. if i got all those notes, Christmas gifts and birthday gifts from a guy I was broken up with - i would get a restraining order. I would go full stop no contact with her. You need to do that to accept that its over.

You're going way overboard with the gifts, songs, thank you cards (how many???!!!), etc.

She knows you want her back. Bombarding her with all this stuff not only makes it look like you're trying to buy her love, but also makes you look like you refuse to listen to what she says she wants...which is NOT to send her an avalanche of gifts but to not contact her.

Stop trying to look better than her current boyfriend. It wouldn't help your cause at all if the two of them are shaking their heads at how you're trying to throw yourself at her.

You're young and trust me, there are millions of other women in the world. Why wouldn't you want to date someone who wants to date you and who isn't dating someone else?

Sorry to hear this. Don't send her stuff to feed her ego...it will just drive her closer to this guy and further from you.

I also bought this gag-gift called TwinkleTush to cover your cats b-hole. I need to send that still. I know it will probably be the greatest gift she ever received and, a meaner part of me is excited because I know it will blow whatever new boyfriend gets her out of the water.

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Sorry to hear this. Don't send her stuff to feed her ego...it will just drive her closer to this guy and further from you.

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Exactly. These gifts are an attempt to buy her attention and affections. They make you look weak and confirm to her that you are not a challenge.

 

Go No Contact immediately. Do not email, send her letters, write songs or any of that "male-girlfriend" BS that you see in movies or on the Hallmark channel. That is all make-believe-driven BS.

 

Instead, go pour your creative talents into something about you! Not her!

Don't send any more gifts. It will be perceived as needy and desperate. At this point anything you do other than respect her wish for nc will reflect very badly on you and will push her further to the other guy's arms. As an uninvolved third party reading your story I cringed reading your plans for her birthday. She has been crystal clear that she wants you to stop. She gave you the call you asked. She gave you closure the best she could. She then blocked your number. Anything you do past this point is getting you into stalker territory.

You DID try to win her over. It didn't work. You need to accept the outcome and stop being in denial. You need to let go and go back to fixing your own life. The break up HAS happened and you cannot undo it. What you CAN do is learn from it for your NEXT relationship and move on. This relationship is dead and you need to accept it. I know you are hurting and I am very sorry for your loss. If you haven't, read about the five stages of grief. Right now you are stuck in denial and bargaining. You are trying to stay connected to her no matter what.

It won't work. You need to respect her wishes. You cannot change her feelings. It always takes two to tango and she has made it crystal clear to you that she is not onboard. She has made her choice. Sadly, it was not you. You need to respect that and move on. Anything else is disrespectful and will be perceived negatively.

Don't send any more gifts. It will be perceived as needy and desperate. At this point anything you do other than respect her wish for nc will reflect very badly on you and will push her further to the other guy's arms. As an uninvolved third party reading your story I cringed reading your plans for her birthday. She has been crystal clear that she wants you to stop. She gave you the call you asked. She gave you closure the best she could. She then blocked your number. Anything you do past this point is getting you into stalker territory.

 

You DID try to win her over. It didn't work. You need to accept the outcome and stop being in denial. You need to let go and go back to fixing your own life. The break up HAS happened and you cannot undo it. What you CAN do is learn from it for your NEXT relationship and move on. This relationship is dead and you need to accept it. I know you are hurting and I am very sorry for your loss. If you haven't, read about the five stages of grief. Right now you are stuck in denial and bargaining. You are trying to stay connected to her no matter what.

 

It won't work. You need to respect her wishes. You cannot change her feelings. It always takes two to tango and she has made it crystal clear to you that she is not onboard. She has made her choice. Sadly, it was not you. You need to respect that and move on. Anything else is disrespectful and will be perceived negatively.

What really stopped me from obsessing over my ex was actually a strange twist of fate where I found out a GF of 20 years ago had reached out to me and I never got the message. We've chatted and I've talked with ex's (that have perfectly good lives without me and I don't intend to interfere with them) that actually did love me. I realized that how good I felt and how I remembered how it felt to be treated when you are truly loved and almost over night.....POOF! I stopped obsessing about this ex, the way she moved on a month after we broke up, the one-sided relationship that we had and any thoughts of reconciliation. Now, she's just another ex......sad but true.

Talk with people who truly care about you. It may help you accept what the present situation is and the "narcissistic injury" that sometime happens when your ego gets smashed when someone walks out of your life.

DO NOT contact her again. She must come back to you of her own accord. You will push her so far away through pursuit, this pain will take even longer to get over and you are actually "giving power" to her in this situation.....and she doesn't deserve it.