I feel contradictory feelings after leaving an abusive relationship.

Two incidents of abuse happened with my current ex - relationship.

1) I hit him after he told me I had no sex appeal, then he rightfully (in my opinion) defended himself by choking me. After that I apologized to him in front of my mother and that was that.

2) He was trying to take my car after I had gotten drunk, so I tried to get my car keys back - that's when he hit me with a closed fist on the temple of my head. He told me I was not as hot as I "thought" I was and then told me to die and fled the scene. ( doesn't matter but I don't even think I'm that hot in the first place). I called the cops, he went to jail, relationship is done.

I just got out of court filing a restraining order against him. I have conflicting feelings. I feel like I should do some soul searching to prevent this kind of behavior. I was hit as a kid by my adoptive father but at the same time I was very rowdy and a difficult child.

Sorry to hear this. Agree a restraining order is a good idea. Also get therapy for your drinking and abusive behaviors.

I hit him after he told me I had no sex appeal, then he rightfully (in my opinion) defended himself by choking me. After that I apologized to him in front of my mother and that was that.

He was trying to take my car after I had gotten drunk, so I tried to get my car keys back - that's when he hit me with a closed fist on the temple of my head. He told me I was not as hot as I "thought" I was and then told me to die and fled the scene.I called the cops, he went to jail, relationship is done. I just got out of court filing a restraining order against him.

Why twist my words around?

Why twist my words around?

Wiseman2 wasn't twisting your words around.

For those of us who grew up with physical abuse, it feels normal. You even blame yourself for the abuse

I was hit as a kid by my adoptive father but at the same time I was very rowdy and a difficult child.

His behaviour was not justified. Nor was yours when you hit your ex. There are better ways of dealing with guys who try to put you down.

THAT was what W2 was referring to.

The fact that you consider your ex to be justified in trying to choke you (he wasn't!) is an echo of your statement of your childhood behaviour, too. This is another aspect of being locked into abusive behaviour, even if it wasn't you doing it. Healthy relationships don't look like this.

By all means do your soul-searching; it's just that you'll likely need a professional to help you. If you grew up with alcoholism, or there's any kind of problem with alcohol in your life right now - seek out the appropriate 12-Step program (these have the advantage of being free, too!)

You are right to reflect and heal, though. Otherwise your adulthood is likely to be just as abusive as your childhood was - but it'll last a lot longer.

He's not twisting your words around. Your behavior was also abusive.

It's natural to feel conflicted, and I agree with Wiseman - counseling would probably be a good thing. 1.) to address your behaviors, and 2.) to address your feelings regarding this relationship.

Two incidents of abuse happened with my current ex - relationship.

 

1) I hit him after he told me I had no sex appeal, then he rightfully (in my opinion) defended himself by choking me. After that I apologized to him in front of my mother and that was that.

 

2) He was trying to take my car after I had gotten drunk, so I tried to get my car keys back - that's when he hit me with a closed fist on the temple of my head. He told me I was not as hot as I "thought" I was and then told me to die and fled the scene. ( doesn't matter but I don't even think I'm that hot in the first place). I called the cops, he went to jail, relationship is done.

 

I just got out of court filing a restraining order against him. I have conflicting feelings. I feel like I should do some soul searching to prevent this kind of behavior. I was hit as a kid by my adoptive father but at the same time I was very rowdy and a difficult child.

1. No he had no right to defend himself by choking you. You had no right to hit him either - but he could have just held your hands down or he could have just walked away from that. He did have a right to defend himself but choking is extreme and dangerous - and potentially fatal. Did he apologize to you too?

2. Also don't see how punching you in the face correlated to stopping you from driving your car drunk. He started out doing the right thing not letting you drive drunk but weirdly escalated.

It's very normal to have conflicting feelings leaving an abusive relationship. I did. That's why I gave my ex husband far too many chances as did his first wife. The three times he hit me he was coming off meth. No excuse but I would tell myself "Well if he gets sober this won't happen." And it didn't when he was sober - but that was few and far between. Even within days after I made him leave and I filed for divorce I doubted filing. He also got in my head a little too and trying to make me feel bad for "breaking up our family" and all this other crap and saying I was like his other ex wife. I have filed two protection orders against him. The first one we weren't married. I dropped it after two months. Sometimes I wish I hadn't but I wouldnt' have my daughter if I hadn't. The second one I went in for a temporary order and then I didn't go get the final one. Actually there was a third one but that was filed by the judge during the assault case the final time he hit me and strangled me.

I gave him another chance after that. I even got back with him after our divorce was final because he had gone to rehab, was in the halfway house. Working. Going to meetings. Talking seriously about sobriety and staying away from his toxic, addict friends. Then he got arrested and he relapsed. I was done.

I do think about the good times but there are more bad than good. All he did was bring me down. And when he gets mad at me he calls me names. "Fat." "Ugly." Usually that's the primary ones. I know I'm neither.

If you have abuse in your past as a child that does have a lot to do with your relationships as an adult. It doesn't matter that you were "rowdy" or "difficult" your father never should have hit you. Ever. Parents should never hit or beat their kids. That doesn't fix disruptive behavior.

You do have to do soul searching and you have to recognize the signs in future relationships. Also I think you would benefit from some anger management yourself. You shouldn't be striking anyone any more than your ex should have hit you.

Qwaspolk82, What??? Noooo he was trying to take me car AWAY from me. I was NOT trying to drive drunk. He was essentially trying to steal my car. Because you got the facts wrong, I didn't even read the rest of your reply.

You should read the rest of Qwaspolk82's post. Your initial post was worded in such a way that I think most people would interpret it the same way she did, i.e., that he wanted your keys to prevent you from driving drunk.

People are trying to help you: no need to get so haughty and defensive.

You should read the rest of Qwaspolk82's post. Your initial post was worded in such a way that I think most people would interpret it the same way she did, i.e., that he wanted your keys to prevent you from driving drunk.

Yes, that's what I thought, too.

OP - is there anything in particular you want from this forum?

2) He was trying to take my car after I had gotten drunk, so I tried to get my car keys back

This reads as though you were trying to drive drunk, and he was trying to take your car so you wouldn't drive. If you meant that he tried to "steal" your car, then it would have been clearer to say that; people aren't twisting your words -- they're just going off of what you wrote. If you had said, "He was trying to steal my car," then people would have perhaps responded differently to that part.

It sounds like you both have issues with conflict resolution, and that his "conflict resolution skills" involve using his fists. Not a good situation. You would probably be better off keeping your distance from him.

Qwaspolk82, What??? Noooo he was trying to take me car AWAY from me. I was NOT trying to drive drunk. He was essentially trying to steal my car. Because you got the facts wrong, I didn't even read the rest of your reply.

Well I'm sorry I misread your post but that's how it seemed. So maybe you should read the rest of my post as I have experience in being in and leaving an abusive relationship and am trying to tell you that having those feelings are normal. Or you can just ignore them. I guess I don't really care what you do. I try to help those who are leaving abusive relationships as I have been there but you seemingly don't want the help.

This is what you said: "2) He was trying to take my car after I had gotten drunk, so I tried to get my car keys back - that's when he hit me with a closed fist on the temple of my head. He told me I was not as hot as I "thought" I was and then told me to die and fled the scene. ( doesn't matter but I don't even think I'm that hot in the first place). I called the cops, he went to jail, relationship is done."

To any regular person reading that the way you wrote it you seemed to state he took your keys so you couldn't drive drunk. That's why it was confusing he would punch you just because you fought back but since he's such a douche I just assumed that was how he reacts.

I'm just trying to help you. But if you choose to ignore it, then that's your problem.

Domestic abuse is complicated and you will need to do lots of reading and having therapy is a good idea, through an organisation that specialises in DV.

your behaviours were wrong but his were much more severe and as someone else said choking someone is not a defence mechanism, pushing, holding or walking away are.

you need to get help to be able to understand about the different types of abuse... look at sites like 'hidden hurt.org'' and the cycle of abuse, gaslighting, stockholm syndrome, types of abusers, freedom programme.