BF & his work schedule! Is his job is dominating our relationship?

Hi all,

I've been wondering this more and more each day so I thought it's about time I post on here and put it out to you guys to tell me what you think.

I'm in a relationship, it's early days but it feels like it's longer than it has been because it's been so solid and balanced and just generally fantastic up until this point. But it's been 4 months. He's 30 and I'm 27.

I'm quite new to the proper relationship thing- my last relationship was very, very long, but awfully toxic. It felt more like a pseudo relationship, my ex was emotionally volatile and controlling at times, so I was basically not in a normal situation and very much used to always tip-toeing around his conveniences.

Having been in this new relationship, I have come to realise that a lot of what I was accustomed to wasn't normal. I now realise more and more that having needs and preferences and wanting compromise isn't too much to ask for (but for my ex, it was, apparently!)

So now I wondering if I'm allowed to say something to my current boyfriend about his work schedule. I've noticed that in recent weeks it's come to dominate our relationship, and i feel I'm losing him to his job somewhat. In some ways, his situation isn't a surprise to me, I was well aware from the outset he takes his job very seriously, and I do respect that. He had an intense work schedule right from the beginning of when I met him, said that work can be crazy at times when he is handed over a big client. But on our first few dates, I didn't think of this as something that could bother me because there wasn't an expectation to see him frequently at that point, and also there was a lot of excitement leading up to the dates. And on the dates we both just had a great time and would text about it for days after and leading up to our next meet-up.

Now though, I'm starting to feel the effects of it getting in the way. It feels as though his work takes priority over our relationship. Is this how it should be? I'll give a few examples. We both work during the week full time employed in the city. But last weekend, he had to go into work on a Saturday AS WELL from 8am - 5pm, but we planned in advance to spend the evening together, so we did that and that was nice. But on Sunday morning, he said he had to work again. I convinced him to join me and my friends for brunch very reluctantly. I wished he would show more enthusiasm, but he was nervous about the work he had left to do still. During the brunch he did have a good time, he loved the food and hanging out with my friends seemed to be good for him, there was a lot of joking and laughter etc. BUT still he frequently looked his watch, and when I caught him looking he said 'just checking i've still got time'. And then after the brunch he said I can't come over as he needs to get things done. I asked if I can come and read on the sofa, and even that, he said "no, i will get distracted". So I accepted and went home.

Later that night though i had a wave of anxiety come over me, and wondered if I should worry about the fact my bf has lost interest in seeing me!!! I had PMS too so that always intensifies any emotions. So I called him and asked if I can come over for a little bit as I was feeling down. He said yes as long as I'm quiet (by the way, we live about 2 mins walking distance from each other). So i went over for literally 30-40 mins, just expressed that I feel down and it might be the PMS. I felt a bit better after he comforted me a bit and was being kind and sweet. I helped him around the house with some chores so I could make myself useful (since I imposed myself on him and felt bad about that). He seemed to appreciate it and said it's nice to have me around, so i felt reassured again, then I said goodnight and went home and we left on a good note.

But every day since then I've wondered the same thing. Is his workload too much?

Since Sunday night, I haven't seen him, but we just said we would see each other on Wednesday (tonight).

I noticed he didn't contact me after Sunday night to ask if I felt any better that night, or on Monday morning. He seemed to just put it down to some Sunday night blues and didn't ask me again how I'm doing. This hurt a bit. But I didn't think too much of it. I called him later that day just to chat, so we did a bit. And he said he was exhausted and went to bed early. Then last night, again, he was working until maybe 1 or 2am in the morning. He texted me a bit, mainly to tell me about his work, but that's it. I wrote him quite a lot about how I am feeling and how I'm feeling a bit better since Sunday night (despite the fact he didn't ask me, i told him anyway) and just explained that PMS anxiety was more than usual this time and I apologized if I seemed in a more sensitive mood lately. And all he wrote back was "Haha no worries". That is all. And I thought gosh, he must be so distracted. As you can imagine, it's not very fulfilling when you open up and get a very flippant one word response!! But I just let it go, again. He texted me a bit more just to confirm some plans we had for the weekend coming up. But didn't mention anything about the plan we had for Wednesday evening (tonight). He also hasn't texted me all day. And because I've been the first to make contact the last 2-3 days, I'm just getting a bit deflated now and demotivated and decided to just leave it now, and if he still wants to meet tonight I guess he can let me know.

Regardless about whether or not we meet up tonight, if he cancels, if he bothers to let me know that he is going to cancel, or if I see him, whatever the outcome, it's made me think about this whole issue at large. Do I have the right to ask him if he could think about me as more of a priority than he does right now? I don't want to say anything accusatory or get angry with him. I just want him to reflect on how he has been recently. I don't want this to become a problem in the future where he frequently cancels or stops wanting to see me during the week, or just has his head elsewhere when he talks to me. So am I allowed to ask him to address it and try to change? If you were in my position, would you feel a bit upset about this whole thing too? Would you say anything? In all of this, I also just want to be supportive to him as well while he's working so hard, so all I've done the last few days (despite my disappointment at his lack of concern for me), is i've been sending him affectionate messages and X's and things trying to sympathize with the tough workload so he feels that I'm a support rather than an added pressure. I guess what I'm asking is, where is the line, at what point do I start asking for him to put me first sometimes?

And i want to add, this isn't even just about me. I care about his health too and would like it if he looked after himself more. He does all of this work behind a desk all day and does no exercise at all. I would also like to tell him - in a nice/gentle way if that's possible- that this is so unhealthy in itself.

I like him A LOT, so so so much. I just want to fix this, without an argument. So that's why I'm nervous about raising this. I also just wish I didn't have to, and wish that he could see it all for himself. Am I being unreasonable here?

Sounds like he's a workaholic, and you're no more likely to get him to prioritise his work over you, than you are to get an alcoholic to stop drinking because you've asked him nicely. He probably immerses himself in work to avoid anxiety and hoping that he'll reflect on his lifestyle and change to suit your needs is completely unrealistic.

Wanting a reasonably attentive boyfriend is fine; it's just that you need to find someone who can do that, and it doesn't look like this is the guy.

You can't fix him, no matter how unhealthy you think his lifestyle is. If you want to continue the relationship and are not ready to move on, don't push for more time from him; it'll just make the problem worse. Concentrate on all the other aspects of your life, and use your time to develop those. To be honest, I've been in a situation where the guy was very involved both in his work, and with the children from his previous marriage and had very little time for a relationship. It suited me at the time because I was pretty emotionally unavailable myself, but it became obvious as I started to heal that I was hoping for something he just didn't have to give... and it was time to move gracefully on.

Good luck!

So he has yet to cancel once, and all you do is stress how he isn't with you 24/7.

You come across as really needy and unsupportive. It's not his job to make you feel better - that's your job.

After 4 months, getting together once or twice a week is considered very often. If you don't want to overwhelm him, go hang out with some friends, or go get a hobby - stop taking it out on him.

@nutbrownhare- thank you so much. That's really helpful.

I think what it is, is just that i noticed it more specifically these last few days because I needed a bit of TLC, that's all! It hadn't bothered me before that much as I kept busy.

@tattoobunnie - I have a sub career which is my art, so i am really busy often too, in some ways this works out. It's just at times when im not feeling up to working on my art practice i realise just how busy he is.

He told you from the beginning. I was in your boyfriend's shoes many times over when I was his age (and younger) and older. I would explain exactly how intense my career was at that time -I would tell the man in question that during the week I might have to cancel last minute, that my hours were unpredictable and not to take it personally. I found that this worked best with men who had similar schedules to mine (and yes, since we both did we actually were really good about seeing each other regularly). Then there were another group of men who said they understood but after two cancellations or delays - they were out the door. Was I a "workaholic"? No- at that time career and being successful/good at it was a top priority. I signed up for the crazy schedule I had.

Having said that my competing priority was marriage and family meaning -finding a husband -- more of a priority than career but honestly I was only put to that test with men who didn't have the same kind of career I did (like my future husband/husband). I think it can work with someone like you who is a bit quick on the trigger to label this as "too much of a priority" but again he was honest with you from the beginning. Perhaps ask him if he plans to always keep this schedule (I didn't once I had a child in my early 40s) and how he sees his future in this career with these types of hours.

He told you from the beginning. I was in your boyfriend's shoes many times over when I was his age (and younger) and older. I would explain exactly how intense my career was at that time -I would tell the man in question that during the week I might have to cancel last minute, that my hours were unpredictable and not to take it personally. I found that this worked best with men who had similar schedules to mine (and yes, since we both did we actually were really good about seeing each other regularly). Then there were another group of men who said they understood but after two cancellations or delays - they were out the door. Was I a "workaholic"? No- at that time career and being successful/good at it was a top priority. I signed up for the crazy schedule I had.

 

Having said that my competing priority was marriage and family meaning -finding a husband -- more of a priority than career but honestly I was only put to that test with men who didn't have the same kind of career I did (like my future husband/husband). I think it can work with someone like you who is a bit quick on the trigger to label this as "too much of a priority" but again he was honest with you from the beginning. Perhaps ask him if he plans to always keep this schedule (I didn't once I had a child in my early 40s) and how he sees his future in this career with these types of hours.

Helpful, thank you.

I think one of the things I have to keep reminding myself is not to take things personally.

Funnily enough, he did actually speak of himself as a "workaholic" on our first or second date. Now I know what it can mean!!!! I'm glad I can relate in a way. Because my art stuff can be quite dominating of my time too and is a huge deal to me. So maybe this can work if we come to some kind of compromise.

In very new 4 mos dating situations you learn about each other. It sounds like you are overwhelming the relationship a bit with clingyness so soon and expecting a lot of soothing, that you could do yourself.

This is how he makes a living and provides for himself. Strive to be more of a partner and to reclaim some independence. He can't babysit. Don't beg him to stay longer for this or that or to go to his place etc. this is sort of smothering and sounds borne of boredom.

Unfortunately you may not be compatible with men who work hard and after hours. No you can't tell him to cut back on his work because "you're feeling anxious". Has smothering men been an issue in the past?

He may not be the right guy, but most people's priority, if they want to eat and have a roof, is to work and keep their jobs.

it's been 4 months. He's 30 and I'm 27. Later that night though i had a wave of anxiety come over me, and wondered if I should worry about the fact my bf has lost interest in seeing me!!! I had PMS too so that always intensifies any emotions. So I called him and asked if I can come over for a little bit as I was feeling down.

In very new 4 mos dating situations you learn about each other. It sounds like you are overwhelming the relationship a bit with clingyness so soon and expecting a lot of soothing, that you could do yourself.

 

This is how he makes a living and provides for himself. Strive to be more of a partner and to reclaim some independence. He can't babysit. Don't beg him to stay longer for this or that or to go to his place etc. this is sort of smothering and sounds borne of boredom.

 

Unfortunately you may not be compatible with men who work hard and after hours. No you can't tell him to cut back on his work because "you're feeling anxious". Has smothering men been an issue in the past?

 

He may not be the right guy, but most people's priority, if they want to eat and have a roof, is to work and keep their jobs.

Thanks, I really just wanted to get a view on whether I am being too much right now and too expectant.

in all honesty I'm pretty independent and have lots of friends and spend hours and hours after work sometimes by myself at my art studio working on my stuff. In some ways its so perfect. BUT it's just sometimes I get like a bit needy, it kinds of comes and goes, it was the same in my previous relationship too. I would be completely independent and would work with my exes schedule pretty much exclusively, but when I was down about something, boy was I down! I have these random episodes for 2-3 days where I get a bit clingy and paranoid and overthink everything and don't sleep well.

I tried to explain this to my current guy in my PMS rant just so he understands my patterns, and that's when I got the 'Haha no worries' text.

Everyone just needs a bit of reassurance sometimes, right?! I'm just having one of those moments.

I have these random episodes for 2-3 days where I get a bit clingy and paranoid and overthink everything and don't sleep well.

I tried to explain this to my current guy in my PMS rant just so he understands my patterns, and that's when I got the 'Haha no worries' text.

 

Everyone just needs a bit of reassurance sometimes, right?! I'm just having one of those moments.

Those times are not at all unusual amongst creative types, and non-creatives don't really get it. When you hit these patches, is there someone else you could share them with, someone who'll understand?

Those times are not at all unusual amongst creative types, and non-creatives don't really get it. When you hit these patches, is there someone else you could share them with, someone who'll understand?

I have no idea.

But it's good to know that I can reason it in that way in my head, at least, and try better to ride it out. Maybe I'll become better at this over time.

I really don't want to mess up this relationship! I really like him...so I'm going to try and manage these clingy patches and see how I go.

He just called me saying he's driving back home from a client meeting and asked what time I'm coming over. I told him that I had assumed he was going to cancel, and he said 'no, i just have been busy so i couldn't contact you, but i assumed you're coming. Do you prefer to hold off for another night?' and i said I'm easy either way and asked what he wants. And we were both just doing that 'no you tell me' thing. And in the end i was just like okay I'll come over!

Maybe it's also a thing of me needing to get to grips with the reality of life and the fact that well, people get tired and busy etc. and that honey moon phase of our relationship has to become normalised a little and he can't text me saying 'i can't stop thinking about you' all the time........... he can be romantic and used to text me sweet nothings all day in the first couple of months. He does it now sometimes, but far more occasionally.

Just 4 months in and you already want to change how he works, how he lives, what he eats, how much he exercises and otherwise start dictating to him how to be. Do you see how that might lead to problems? Either respect the person and what they do or find someone else. Never ever get into a relationship to change someone.

As for your anxieties and moods swings, have you actually considered talking to a doctor about it? It sounds to me like maybe you need to be less concerned about someone's else's health and actually take care and get a grip on your own issues.

As for his response to your texts, what else was he supposed to say exactly? You were behaving clingy and needy and otherwise nutty and you did take it out on him. Great that you explained yourself and apologized for it. He accepted your apology. I mean what more do you want from him? A cookie? A therapy session? Him to break out in tears how touched he is that you explained your crazy actions? I'm seriously asking you to think on this. Your SO is not responsible for your emotional well being and balance. You are. Also, you should not expect them to be your therapist, nanny and caretaker when you are in one of your mood swings. It's on you to seek whatever help you need to get a grip on that so that you are not taking it out on your relationships. If you carry on as is, you will turn the best relationships in the world into a toxic swamp[ and sooner or later the guy will get fed up and dump you. This kind of a meltdown might be cute a few times at first, but eventually it will get old and start wearing the other person down. Make sure that when these moods hit you, you don't start acting like an emotional vampire.

All above aside, consider also compatibility at large. Some people simply are attached at the hip and need to be constantly together. It's not wrong, it just becomes wrong when you are dating someone who is your opposite. You may wish to look for someone who is more like you, more sensitive, more in tune emotionally, works government hours 9-5, all weekends and holidays free and will spend all free time with you and go to yoga classes and meditation together and actually enjoy it. Someone who is more independent, career oriented and do what it takes type of a person might simply be a wrong match for you and their independence will fuel your anxieties, mood swings and otherwise drive your insecurities and make them way worse than they need to be.

Don't play games. Try not to use him as an escape from your parents or boredom etc. Don't overwhelm and supersaturate people.

I told him that I had assumed he was going to cancel, and he said 'no, i just have been busy so i couldn't contact you, but i assumed you're coming. Do you prefer to hold off for another night?' And in the end i was just like okay I'll come over!

It really isn't his job to make you feel better when you have PMS. How did you cope with it before you met him?

He already said he couldn't see you and you asked if you could come over anyway, and he said he couldn't come for brunch but you talked him into that too...some people would feel very smothered and freaked out by that behaviour. Is there a reason why you can't take no for an answer? You are coming across as needy and he must like you to put up with it (I wouldn't have let someone come round to my place if I was swamped with work), but I doubt he will allow it to continue.

I think it was silly to tell him you thought he'd cancel if he hasn't ever cancelled before. He's actually been very accommodating. You're now starting to look like you're playing mind games with him.

So it sounds like you can assume that everything's as planned, unless he's contacted you to say otherwise. Lots of people do this! I'd guess he'd be slightly freaked by you telling him you'd assumed he was going to cancel - I know I would be! That's the kind of game you really, really need to steer clear of, no matter who you're dating.

I wasn't playing games. I was just really thinking that he might not want me to come over, and wanted to make sure we both want the same thing. I'm also feeling tired like he is and could easily go home and sleep tonight. But we agreed to just laze around together at his place.

I honestly just thought he was overwhelmed with work again and had either forgotten our plan or hoping that I forgot. Given that he was still working at 1am last night i just assumed it was going to be a difficult week.

Please understand that busy professional people rely on their word. In fact, their word is everything. If I said I'll meet you at 5 on Wed at x place, I will be there unless I'm in a coma in a hospital. However, I don't have time to waste on sending multiple confirmations and reassurances to the other person that I will be there. If we agreed then I will be where I said and I expect the same from the other person as well. Someone who starts jerking around about it, questioning it, and otherwise vacillating about it is really unwelcome. You need to trust him that he says what he means and does what he says. At the same time, be honest - if you genuinely feel tired and need time to self, then let him know as soon as you can. Communicate and be clear. Do not agree to do something you don't feel like doing and then end up grumpy and resentful about it.

Helpful, thank you.

 

I think one of the things I have to keep reminding myself is not to take things personally.

 

Funnily enough, he did actually speak of himself as a "workaholic" on our first or second date. Now I know what it can mean!!!! I'm glad I can relate in a way. Because my art stuff can be quite dominating of my time too and is a huge deal to me. So maybe this can work if we come to some kind of compromise.

I would not pull the "I'm an artist and I go through these needy/clingy phases, sorry" - all else equal, especially in a new relationship -it's too much. Find other ways to deal with your reactions to those times -whether it's exercise, a cup of ginger or mint tea or calling a girlfriend, don't start the habit of turning to him to "reassure" you because it sounds like too much of a regular thing and will get old fast.

Does he live alone, pay rent, pay bills etc? Perhaps since you live with your parents, it's hard for you to understand the drive and need for working so hard? Overtime can pay for dates, bills, gas, etc., right?

It's fine and mature to say. "I'm beat, can I take a rain check?", rather than first play guessing games, then agree to going there, then claim you're too tired.

I honestly just thought he was overwhelmed with work again and had either forgotten our plan or hoping that I forgot. Given that he was still working at 1am last night i just assumed it was going to be a difficult week.

You are minimizing yourself by blaming it on PMS. You say you had a long exhausting awful relationship before - for this boyfriend you are upset about something, so you go over to his house all wound up and exasperated and had a "talk" about his career - and then decide not to own your feelings to just say "oh, it must have been the PMS!"

Your feelings are your feelings and they are okay to have, but people are uncomfortable with that.

I think you are best served by filling your free time up by seeing a female friend, joining a meetup, catching up on some good books or something instead of finishing up your art and because he is not also free deciding that he should be.

He IS focused on your relationship. But people don't need to quit their job to do it. He has shown up to dates and brunches when he was tired because he already agreed to go. His job has not stopped him from seeing you at all. That is extremely awesome.At four months, he should make no changes to his career at all for anyone.

So get more involved with yourself and focus on the time you are together. I only saw my guy once a week in the first few months we were dating. He was working a lot of overtime (mandatory) at the time of year, but he was present and happy to see me when we did go out and he never cancelled ever. He just didn't "overschedule" dates meaning he didn't say he'd see me 6 times a week and cancel - he saw me the one time he knew he could commit to it. We started seeing eachother more as time went on, but not at first.

If the relationship progressed over time, you would see him more, because if married you would see him for coffee every morning, etc. When people first date, people want to be at their best when they see eachother.

Does he live alone, pay rent, pay bills etc? Perhaps since you live with your parents, it's hard for you to understand the drive and need for working so hard? Overtime can pay for dates, bills, gas, etc., right?

 

It's fine and mature to say. "I'm beat, can I take a rain check?", rather than first play guessing games, then agree to going there, then claim you're too tired.

I totally agree with this!

And you never know. Some people were raised in a low income family and want more for themselves, they want to save for a house, they are temporarily getting overtime while its available and want to take advantage - who knows - but this guy is taking care of his own stuff and not leaning on anyone else Sounds like a good man!

I worked a job with crazy hours when i was younger. It was low pay and a foot in the door - but it led me to a job with a higher pay and fewer hours.

If it's truly PMS that is affecting your moods, you know this will happen again next month. And you can't have these meltdowns every month and expect a busy man (or any man) to coddle you every single time.

There are things that help with PMS. I make sure to eat plenty of protein (lean chicken, tuna, other fish) the week before my period. I drink juice and go for walks to build energy. I get as much rest as possible. When I do these things my PMS is much less than it is when I don't.

And it seems like you're fine with his work schedule as long as you are also busy, but when you're not it suddenly becomes a problem. So, keep yourself busy with friends, activities, volunteering, etc.

Please don't resort to passive-aggressive tactics or texts or conversations that go in circles, or building up resentment because he didn't respond exactly the way you wanted him to. He sounds caring and like he really likes you. If you don't want to ruin this, then don't!

I am married to a very hardworking and dedicated stockbroker. He is of high status in his field and also works long hours, after hours and weekend hours. We are a team and during the week Monday through Friday, I send him texts of encouragement and I praise his effort constantly; always telling him he's the wolf on Wallstreet and the best there is, which I literally mean that. A lot of the time during the week and on weekends we go to the office together and work together. We brainstorm and come up with ideas and business plans together. We watch motivational speeches and seminars of other respected brokers and any other person of high influence and status. I am very understanding and supportive of his time apart from me during the day. Often times we end up in his office until 1 or 2am before we get what we need to accomplish done. Think of yourself as a member of his team from this point on and show interest in his career. Maybe he will appreciate that you care about his job, like my husband does.

I agree with Wiseman, Batya and others. It's really up to you to take a hard look at yourself and find ways other than your bf to find emotional comfort when you are PMS-ing. Remember, 4 months is very very soon and you are figuring out if you are compatible. Both of you are evaluating each other.

Don't assume that because you like him this has to end up in marriage or anything. Observe. Relax. Reflect.

Hey guys!

Thanks for your responses.

I'm feeling much better. I saw him this evening and we had a lovely time and based on all the advice here, I didn't even mention a single complaint. And anyway when I saw him I was so happy that I didn't even WANT to anymore. So based on the last few days, another pattern I noticed is that these anxious feelings about him potentially losing interest are only when he's been apart from me. And I'm normally busy with my art practice but when I'm not and I have no plans, I do feel it a bit more. And during this time of month and having pms, pretty much every feeling is intensified. But you're right, that's not the route of it.

I'm trying to suss out why these feelings might even occur in the first place.

I've thought more about my issues with his absence when I'm not preoccupied and it might be due to my ex who I didn't trust, because he broke my trust so many times and I was on eggshells a lot. He did a few crap things over the 3 years we were together and regaining trust in a new relationship has been hard overall. I won't go into that stuff, it's too long. But that could be partly why.

With regards to the topic of him and work, I am supportive but it's not that he enjoys the long hours, if he did I would ask him more about it. Because I have tried that approach, to show more interest and ask questions and try to give advice, but he says he's trying to avoid talking about work outside of work now, so I stopped asking him about it to help him switch off when we're together.

And in response to me not taking working seriously - of course I do!! I've been in full time employment for the past 5 years and saved for an apartment that I rent out for now. I pay the mortgage though. I also rent an art studio which I do all the art stuff in. It's not that I don't see the necessity of working and taking work seriously, but I struggle with the idea that some live to work rather than work to live. And I just have a particularly good work-life balance that I've mastered and a lot of my friends are envious of how I do it. But for me, this was a need that was as strong as working itself, because I always knew I couldn't have a heavy job that will hold me back from my art stuff which I want to work on as much as possible and hope to turn it into something more one day.