The shock after being replaced by someone else

So my ex bf broke up 18 days ago. I think I'm coping pretty well (I have very good coping tools I can share with you guys in another post) , I got very depressed the first week, hit slightly better the second one, and have started the third one much better.

I now eat, sleep and do activities that allow me to not think of him. My nightmares have been reduced, I now even dance and laugh. Ofc I still think about it all day but am able to not feel anxiety and extreme pain. Now and then I feel the random urge to cry and/ or get extremely angry to the point I need to stop what I'm doing to break down. Also, I still cry If I talk about my breakup to strangers.

Bottom line, I can live again but am 50% over it and am still experiencing some pain.

So my ex and I broke up bc he felt confused by ex when he saw her again this Christmas and went on two dates with her. This gurl used to be a friend of mine who treated me pretty ty while we were on high school bc she was manipulative af. He knows the story but whatever.

He even told her WHILE he was still with me "please tell me why we can't be together so that I can understand I can't be with you and move on." I think that's pretty humiliating for me. He said he couldn't control his emotions. But, hey I've felt attracted to guys before but because I still choose him because k recognize those attractions are meaningless in comparison to him . I refuse to go on dates with them or avoid contact, but he did the exact opposite.

Now, being replaced by her feels so heartbreaking. I thought I was good enough he made me believe I was the best girl he'd ever known etc.

Now, I wake up everyday feeling in shock, remembering his words on how he preffered her, remembering when I saw him together with her, the pictures they took together on the times they went out. The thinks he promised me ( that he loved me and not her, he had been reassuring me for two years). I wake up feeling humiliated, In shock, hurt. I can't believe he chose her and that my biggest fear over the last two years came true.

What can I do in these moments of shock ?

Unfortunately it sounds like he never got over her. Often rebound relationships are intense with lots of promises and excess future talk.

Of course in any relationship it's best not to revolve your world around someone and gain your identity from words written on the wind. now is the time to reach out to friends family and reestablish connections.

Also the time to reflect on your own identity and self-esteem and why you thought it had to do with his rebound sweet-talk. Branch out and get involved in school/work and your own interests, hobbies, groups, sports, etc.

Next time maintain all that and your own identity in a relationship. Don't allow your ego to feel bruised and convince you you were replaced or in a competition with his ex.

The thinks he promised me ( that he loved me and not her, he had been reassuring me for two years).

Relationships are not a competition about who is better or has more or does more. It's doesn't work like that. Also, people's feelings are not calculated and rational like that. It's more like you are attracted to who you are attracted to and there is little rhyme or reason when it comes to that.

In other words, don't ever connect your self worth and self esteem with who some guy chooses. It's a bit like what kind of flavor of ice cream someone prefers. You can offer the most amazing chocolate ice cream from the best Belgian chocolate gathered in the rarest of ....blah blah blah.....but if the person likes vanilla, they are simply going to go with vanilla. It's not a reflection of you or them and certainly not a reflection of the value of either flavor of ice cream.

I wake up feeling humiliated, In shock, hurt. I can't believe he chose her and that my biggest fear over the last two years came true.

 

What can I do in these moments of shock ?

In those moments, tell yourself that whatever you are feeling at that minute will go away. Tell yourself that the pain will go away and you will be happier than ever. I have been where you are, I understand how you are feeling and what you are going through. But trust me, I did what I told you every time I was having those moments. It all passed. And now I am happier than ever. I got my life back! You will too. Just needs time.

Also sometimes things people do don't make sense at all. And trying to understand them is waste of our time, energy and happiness.

Just know that whatever he did is not about you at all - its not about how good you were, or who was better, you or her. It is all about him. We can't expect people to behave/feel the way we want them to behave/feel. We can just accept what they do, even if it is not what we want, and learn from that experience, and move on stronger than ever. And in the future, we can think about our past, experiences, heartbreaks and how we overcame them, and help others who need our advice - be that your friend or your son/daughter which you will have in the future. And I think this is one of the most beautiful things about life.

That's true, I'm having such a hard time accepting it. I'm still hurt.