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I'm a prisoner.


AikoTanaka

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Hello everyone, I'm a young mother. Very capable of doing things on my own however, my family was struggling at home financially. So I moved in to help my mother and father. The agreement was that they would watch my child while I worked ( 9-6 Monday to Friday) and all I had to do was pay rent. So I thought sweet I get to be back home with my family. However things didn't turn out like I thought.. it's been a year since I moved in and I'm hardly ever able to leave my house other then to go to work. In case you're wondering yes when I get home from work all my time is spent with my son. But sometimes I'd like to go out, for coffee with friends or shopping. However I get a lecture for being gone all the time and I'm being told I'm a horrible mother. Things have gotten so bad I feel depressed and I dread coming back home after work. I know if I left they'd be struggling again.. I just don't know what to do. I just want to throw in the towel.. what should I do? I'm afraid of losing my family again but I also want to be free.

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Sorry to hear this. Can you offer to pay them extra to babysit evenings/weekend if you go out?

 

Also spend some quality time with them here and there.

 

It seems there is some bilateral resentment building up that needs to be effectively communicated and addressed.

my family was struggling at home financially.The agreement was that they would watch my child while I worked ( 9-6 Monday to Friday). But sometimes I'd like to go out, for coffee with friends or shopping.
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You are an adult and you have a child. I think the best thing for you to do is to move out. Since you are not financially secure, I would look into any type of welfare assistance that you qualify for. I am not sure what kind of laws your country has pertaining to welfare, but in the United States, a struggling mother can get food stamps, free health care, and rental assistance.

Do you have any cousins or siblings, who can provide you with a place to stay for a bit until you get yourself situated?

Yes, you are a mother. However, that does not automatically mean that you can no longer do simple things, like coffee or shopping to escape the stress.

Family is important, but you should value your happiness and not remain in a situation where you are unhappy.

If you choose to move out then make sure to speak with your parents about this, so they know beforehand.

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So you expect your parents to watch your kids for 9 hours daily and then keep watching them so you can go out? I'd count yourself thankful for what you've got. Hire a sitter, get involved with a circle of moms so you can scratch each others' backs so that someone else can watch your kids during extracurriculars. Or, as suggested, offer to pay them a sitter's wage for the extra time if they're financially struggling.

 

I'd suspect you're skewing it just a bit when you make it about moving in to help your parents. Is the rent you pay market rate or less? Are you saving money with them looking after the kids for the entire day rather than taking them to daycare or hiring a sitter? If your situation isn't financially advantageous, move out and procure your own freedom.

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You need to let them know if they can't be supportive of you, while you are helping them out, then you will leave. Going out for a coffee does not make you a terrible mother. Sounds like they are scared you will meet someone and leave them, but this was not a long term arrangement so they will have to get used to the idea of you moving out at some point.

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I guess I should have explained my situation here abit better, you see my father is a lazy ass who hasn't had a job in a year since I moved in. and my mother is also working but only part time so, I'm helping with rent and groceries for everyone in the house. You see they told me I'd never need a daycare since I can't afford it with everything I pay here, so they said they would watch him. I don't see the big deal in going out once every two weeks.

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Again, if it's really a better deal for you financially to be on your own, then move out, pay for the daycare every workday, pay for a sitter while you go out, and, if you feel so obligated to help, forward your parents all the money you're saving not being in their house.

 

I'm really having a hard time believing this is all just you extending one big favor to your parents.

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Your parents watch your child all day long. I think if you want evenings out, you ask your sister or friend or someone trusted with similar aged children if they would watch your child at their place for a couple hours maybe every other week, or you go to one of the many places that have cropped up that have a play place for the kids and a coffee bar for the adults and meet one of your girlfriends there. There are also book groups you can join or dinner groups where the kids are watched in the family room or basement by the teenage or older kids of the host and you rotate who hosts.

 

If you want your parents to watch your child at night, then maybe based on the child's age, you enroll them in a twice a week preschool or a learning based better daycare once a week or twice a week and then have your folks watch your child one night a week.

 

Or maybe until your child is old enough to be in full day school or you are better on your feet you just accept that you are a single mom and its all about your kid right now and you'll be able to go out more as your child grows.

 

Your parents deserve a social life, friends, and other pursuits. They deserve to be off when you are home and should not raise your child. They are helping immensely by watching your child while you are at work, but they don't want to raise your child

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I guess I should have explained my situation here abit better, you see my father is a lazy ass who hasn't had a job in a year since I moved in. and my mother is also working but only part time so, I'm helping with rent and groceries for everyone in the house. You see they told me I'd never need a daycare since I can't afford it with everything I pay here, so they said they would watch him. I don't see the big deal in going out once every two weeks.

 

 

You should absolutely pay for groceries. You are living there and your parents are watching your child 40 hours a week. If the deal was when you moved in, you would pay a share of the rent, but have a built in babysitter, than that is the deal. Your mother can't exactly work full time if she is watching your child, right?? If you don't like the arrangement, move out. I know that's not what you want to hear, but its fairly simple.

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If you had your own place and an au pair or a full time babysitter, you would be paying rent, food for yourself, child and to have things in the house for the babysitter, PLUS you would be paying said person. In your case, you pay rent (but not full rent), food, and you don't pay an au pair or babysitter.

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I'm helping with rent and groceries for everyone in the house.
i don't really have an idea what sum that amounts to in the states and whether it wouldn't be cheaper to pay commercial rent and daycare, especially with benefits?

 

i'm sorry, i'm struggling to understand whether you moved in with them because it was cheaper and more convenient for you, or whether because they guilt-tripped you with their dire situation and delivered it in an offer that said "it would be perfect for everyone involved"?

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@ abitbroken To be quite honest, it not paying for the groceries that I care about, but because of that I can't afford to get a babysitter or daycare. Little money is ever left for me or my son, it's all spent on this house and my siblings. And also my mom works part time because she doesn't want a full time job, that or she quits after two months and expects the lazy man to pull money out of his ass for groceries.I'm pretty sure she is also on welfare. My father is the one that watches my 4 year old son. And by watch I mean plays video games while my son in doing whatever somewhere else. So in no way possible would I say they are " raising" my son.

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@ abitbroken To be quite honest, it not paying for the groceries that I care about, but because of that I can't afford to get a babysitter or daycare. Little money is ever left for me or my son, it's all spent on this house and my siblings. And also my mom works part time because she doesn't want a full time job, that or she quits after two months and expects the lazy man to pull money out of his ass for groceries.I'm pretty sure she is also on welfare. My father is the one that watches my 4 year old son. And by watch I mean plays video games while my son in doing whatever somewhere else. So in no way possible would I say they are " raising" my son.

 

You either hardly have money left over after bills because you contribute to your family, or you hardly have any money left over after bills because you pay for daycare. Pick one.

 

Your son should be in preschool at age four if he is not getting the involvement at home and is left to his own devices. So maybe its time to enroll him.

 

And maybe its time to stop paying for anything except for food for your siblings Or decide to stay there for a time to make sure your younger siblings get some of the emotional support they need. And pick a timeframe to move out whether its 6 months or in a year or two.

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i don't think motherhood means you have to give up going for coffee altogether at all. but if you can't afford to make arrangements for your son that you're happy with while you're out, then you'll have to suck it up for a while.

 

my mum was really struggling financially when she was raising me on her own. she couldn't afford going out for coffee, much less paying a sitter. for a while there, she was stuck not having a life outside work and raising me.

 

for your kid, you do what it takes.

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also, sounds like you hate living with your parents. you've not said a single nice thing about them, or life with them, or the supervision they provide the boy with.

 

i would say move out, but then it sounds like you can't afford to, while it also sounds like you can't afford to live with them, so i don't have the slightest clue what's going on.

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But there's preschool..Where do you live? Go through the public school district.

 

You know what I do when my mom watches my son...I run out the door like the wind. Because I am tired and need a break. 4 year olds are heathens, no matter how damn cute and squishy their cheeks are. It doesn't matter if your dad is playing video games. Actually I'm impressed, because sometimes when I post here for FIVE minutes I have a kid hanging off my back or occasionally something gets thrown at my head. Or freaking toys plopped in my coffee. If he can pull off a video game with a 4 year old around, that's skill.

 

I don't know what you want. When my mom watches my son(like tonight), I hook them up with a few bucks for take out, or buy stuff for ice cream sundaes, etc. I can't do a babysitter, either. My mom won't take $ from me but you don't have to pull her leg to eat some ice cream, and it's something that they both can indulge in. Do something like that? It's not going to break the bank.

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Hello everyone, I'm a young mother. Very capable of doing things on my own however, my family was struggling at home financially. So I moved in to help my mother and father. The agreement was that they would watch my child while I worked ( 9-6 Monday to Friday) and all I had to do was pay rent. So I thought sweet I get to be back home with my family. However things didn't turn out like I thought.. it's been a year since I moved in and I'm hardly ever able to leave my house other then to go to work. In case you're wondering yes when I get home from work all my time is spent with my son. But sometimes I'd like to go out, for coffee with friends or shopping. However I get a lecture for being gone all the time and I'm being told I'm a horrible mother. Things have gotten so bad I feel depressed and I dread coming back home after work. I know if I left they'd be struggling again.. I just don't know what to do. I just want to throw in the towel.. what should I do? I'm afraid of losing my family again but I also want to be free.

 

Your focus should be on your child. Not your parents. Do you have other siblings who can help?

 

They don't sound like much of family if they're dogging you and you're helping them out. It's not worth it to be miserable. I'd move back out and tell them to deal with things on their own. Do you want your child to grow up seeing you like that?

 

You are not a prisoner. You are an adult you don't have to stay there.

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Your a grownup with a child so that means no more going out ! They need quality time with you too especially with your son!

 

Um no. Parents are entitled to going out and getting a break once in awhile. Are you kidding me? You think once you are a parent that means you can't ever have some alone time or be an adult or hang out with other adults??? Give me a break. There's a big difference between going out for coffee with a friend once a month or so and out partying every night.

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Um no. Parents are entitled to going out and getting a break once in awhile. Are you kidding me? You think once you are a parent that means you can't ever have some alone time or be an adult or hang out with other adults??? Give me a break. There's a big difference between going out for coffee with a friend once a month or so and out partying every night.

 

No - parents are entitled to provide food and shelter for their children and to ensure they are living in a safe environment. Then they can have a coffee.

 

Sometimes you do what you have to do. There are times in your life where no - you don't go out because of time or money. What about taking your child out with you on a weekend afternoon to grab a coffee to go and to go to the park? What about coming home half an hour later on one day during the week to go sit with your coffee?

 

My parents never got a night out when I was young because they were struggling to make ends meet. My mom lost touch with a lot of friends because most of her friends were single and in college or in the work world. If her friends were a bit older/more mature in their view and already had a kid at home they might be open to stopping by for lunch or coffee but the other 19-21 year olds wanted to go to the bar. My dad worked two jobs. He worked midnights full time and then worked during the day 3/4 time. They had one car, which was obviously gone for all but a couple hours in a 24 hour period. There was just no money except what went into rent and food. My mom either struggled to fit into prepregnancy clothes or wore my dad's shirts after she had me until she could afford to get something new. I wore hand me downs except what Grandma and Grandpa gave me as a Christmas outfit or always bought me shoes for my birthday if I needed them that year because you can't always wear hand me down shoes. they have to fit.

 

When I was older, yes, they could afford to go out with their friends or mom got coffee with her friends. But that took awhile.

 

You are just at a season in life where its time to work and come home to your child and you get extras once your child doesn't depend on your folks (you are able to drop them off at a tumbling class for awhile to walk next door to get a coffee) or you have the money to afford the privelege of doing so (you move out and have a trustworthy babysitter).

 

Forget going for coffee and come up with a plan where you can afford to move - even if you find another single mom as a roommate. My cousin was in a living situation where she had a roommate but had reduced rent because part of the agreement was that she babysat twice a week so her roommate could have some breathing room away from her kid. The kid went to preschool and day care when the mom was working, but the roommate who was the mom had my cousin watch her child once or twice a week in the evening so she could get grocery shopping and just a break.

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