One night stand guilt

I cheated on my boyfriend of six months slightly over three weeks ago and I'm not completely sure how it happened. I feel really low and terrified that he will find out about it and break up with me.

I split up with my ex-boyfriend around a year and a half ago. In that time, of being single, I kissed a couple of guys but never found anyone I clicked with so it never went any further. I was with my ex for eight years we have a daughter together, but it was a terribly abusive relationship and I wasn't really in the frame of mind for dating anyone.

Six months ago I met a really sweet guy and we hit it off instantly. I have to say he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. Unfortunately I still have some demons from my past relationship and my alcohol consumption can be a problem. One night whilst out at a local bar I bumped into a friend actually I see myself in more of a mother role to him since he is twelve years my junior (I'm thirty three). We were drinking a lot and I can remember him repeatedly stroking my foot, but not really thinking anything of it. I don't fancy him at all by the way. I had a feeling that he probably fancied me.

He walked me home at the end of the night even though I had repeatedly asked him not to. I really can not tell you a 100% of what happened from that moment onwards, just that I woke up an hour or so after we'd gotten into bed and we were having sex. I know he had already tried to have sex with me but I had said no and he gave up on his efforts. The finer details of the story don't really matter I guess and the fact is I did have sex with this guy.

I feel so horrible and like I want to die everytime I think about it, and it's so out of character for me to behave this way. I want to vomit with guilt. I can honestly say this will never happen again and I have even curbed my drinking which is the only positive outcome from all of this.

The guy that I cheated with promised that he wouldn't tell anyone but I believe that he has. I live in a small place and I think that it's only a matter of time before my boyfriend finds out. I'm terrified of what this will do to him and I kow that he loves me. I love him too.

I've asked for advice from a close family member and she said I should deny anything ever happened if someone tells him. Do you think this is the right approach?

In my opinion you need to be completely honest with him. If you love him and want to keep him then you need to tell him before he finds out. You need to stress to him the truth and everything you can remember and say how you feel everytime you think about it. Tell him you love him and say that you want nothing more than to continue the relationship but you understand if he needs some space. If he asks for space then you need to give it to him, but send him reassuring texts and call him saying how you miss him and hope that he will forgive you.

Hope this helps. Honesty is always the key to true happiness.

PS Tell him that the reason why you're telling him is because you care about him so much and don't want to lose him.

Maybe it's time to look into some alcohol support meetings if regrettable things are happening and you are "not completely sure how it happened". You may want to come clean about it as well as get clean and sober for your own well being.

Start reading up on things to get some help

you should tell him not only that you cheated, but also that

-you were aware the guy liked you

-he had tried to have sex with you before

-you drunk away your wits and faculties in his company

-he stroked you and you didn't mind or stop him

-you ended up having sex with him.

then let him make of it what he will.

It sounds to me like this 21-year-old took advantage of you and raped you, frankly. You were blacked out and woke up and were having sex, and you had told him earlier that night "no"? I think you should be most concerned with your alcohol problem and try to get help for that if you aren't already. If I were you I would confront this young man and explain to him that what happened constitutes as sexual assault, and he is lucky you are not pressing charges (if you decide not to). I doubt he'll be blabbing about it then. As for telling your current partner, I probably would not at this point. Instead, be open about your apparent alcoholism. Does he drink a lot, too? If so, perhaps both of you can seek counseling for that together.

I've asked for advice from a close family member and she said I should deny anything ever happened if someone tells him. Do you think this is the right approach?

No, that is the wrong approach (imo). You already feel guilty for cheating. Now you want to lie about it too? You think your guilt will magically disappear after you lie? It won't - in fact the opposite will happen and your guilt will increase ten fold. No relationship will last when it starts out living a lie and being deceitful.

You owe him the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Then get help for your drinking issues.

You were blacked out and woke up and were having sex, and you had told him earlier that night "no"?

i understood she told him to not walk her home and he insisted. i can think of ways of preventing a man going home with me, if i don't want him going home with me.

if i were ridiculously drunk, perhaps i couldn't think of any.

thankfully, i can also think of a million reasons to not get drunk together with people who have in the past tried to have sex with me and i didn't like it. why would you drink to excess with people who you don't want to be uninhibited around, or them around you?

if i am nevertheless happily drinking away my inhibition in their company, not objecting to their physical touch finding it "no big deal", letting them follow me home in my impaired state....then...i have not been taken advantage of...i just have not done anything, and i mean anything at all to prevent ending up in bed with them.

saying you think of him as a son isn't effective sanitizing language. you're 33, getting drunk and physical with a guy who you know is trying to get into your pants.

any attempts at moral disengagement from this would be accepted with laughter at best.

owning it and seeking help for the drinking problem.....might at least get you a chance. if not, it'd spare you the additional guilt.

when did she say that?

 

i understood she told him to not walk her home and he insisted. i can think of ways of preventing a man going home with me, if i don't want him going home with me.

The wording and context is vague, and it's very possible I misinterpreted this: "I really can not tell you a 100% of what happened from that moment onwards, just that I woke up an hour or so after we'd gotten into bed and we were having sex. I know he had already tried to have sex with me but I had said no and he gave up on his efforts."

Sounded to me like:

1) "I woke up an hour so after...and we were having sex..."

2) "I know he had already tried to have sex with me but I had said no..."

Either way, yes, she is in the wrong for allowing him to walk her home and come into her bed. So infidelity is not in question. However, it does sound like it could also be sex without consent.

Whatever the case, the OP needs help with her alcoholism, and on second thought I agree that she should come clean about what happened to her current boyfriend. She also should probably get tested for STDs.

You probably should tell him yourself, as it's probably just about all over town anyways and you told family members (so it spreads round even quicker).

I'm not sure why you didn't stop when he was stroking your foot, by that time, you knew he was into you. I think your letting alcohol take the blame here for something you kinda knew was going to happen.

i though he had tried to sleep with her some time before, when she was aware of him having a thing for her.

in any case, it doesn't change things imo.

mind you, if the guy were half-way decent he wouldn't be getting on top of women too drunk to know what they are or aren't about to end up doing.

but i also don't think anyone other than her is responsible for not having sex with people she doesn't want to have sex with. the entire evening she was happily getting drunk and physical with a guy who "fancied her". and didn't call a cab home but simply complied when he insisted on going home with her. i don't know what most men would conclude from that, but i know what most women would conclude: we're bout to get laid. i don't see the resistance.

could he have put the fact that she was too drunk at some point to his benefit? hell yeah.

she willingly made that more than possible.

you know when you keep a guy company when you know he likes you, get drunk with him, get touchy with him, allow him to follow you home so drunk....well, pardon my absolutely vulgar dicition here but what more does it take to make the intercourse willingly planned and executed on your end (the general "your") save from grabbing his **** and shoving it in???

you'll do 99% of the work (including getting yourself conveniently very very drunk) and then because he put it in, none of it is yours to own?

i'll tell you what. the guy's an ass, yeah. but lord am i grateful i'm not a man considering the widespread conviction of females that they needn't take responsibility for anything. frankly, even if she HAD literally jumped on his thing, she could still be saying it doesn't make it her responsibility because obviously she was too drunk to behave in ways supportive of such behavioral outcomes as would befall a responsible adult.

also, this is coming from a person with extensive history of severe abuse. i have a gusto for calling a violation a violation. i also have the belief that one is one's own keeper, and that victims don't go around setting up the stage for sex, then saying they never would have wanted it.

i though he had tried to sleep with her some time before, when she was aware of him having a thing for her.

 

in any case, it doesn't change things imo.

 

mind you, if the guy were half-way decent he wouldn't be getting on top of women too drunk to know what they are or aren't about to end up doing.

 

but i also don't think anyone other than her is responsible for not having sex with people she doesn't want to have sex with. the entire evening she was happily getting drunk and physical with a guy who "fancied her". and didn't call a cab home but simply complied when he insisted on going home with her. i don't know what most men would conclude from that, but i know what most women would conclude: we're bout to get laid. i don't see the resistance.

 

could he have put the fact that she was too drunk at some point to his benefit? hell yeah.

 

she willingly made that more than possible.

 

you know when you keep a guy company when you know he likes you, get drunk with him, get touchy with him, allow him to follow you home so drunk....well, pardon my absolutely vulgar dicition here but what more does it take to make the intercourse willingly planned and executed on your end (the general "your") save from grabbing his **** and shoving it in???

 

you'll do 99% of the work (including getting yourself conveniently very very drunk) and then because he put it in, none of it is yours to own?

 

i'll tell you what. the guy's an ass, yeah. but lord am i grateful i'm not a man considering the widespread conviction of females that they needn't take responsibility for anything. frankly, even if she HAD literally jumped on his thing, she could still be saying it doesn't make it her responsibility because obviously she was too drunk to behave in ways supportive of such behavioral outcomes as would befall a responsible adult.

 

also, this is coming from a person with extensive history of severe abuse. i have a gusto for calling a violation a violation. i also have the belief that one is one's own keeper, and that victims don't go around setting up the stage for sex, then saying they never would have wanted it.

Amen. That's all I can say.

Just because you did something wrong and feel bad, horrible, guilty, etc, etc, etc, doesn't give you the right to vomit that garbage over the other person and damage them as well, and all just to alleviate your own sh$ttyness.

Actions have consequences and unfortunately you do need to live with them. If you don't like your actions, then go to AA, schedule an appointment with a therapist, clean yourself up, get help and never ever so much as sniff alcohol again. That would be true demonstration of remorse in my book and perhaps if truth came to light, given all you have done something I could forgive. The tears of a drunken floozie...not so much. I'd drop you cold for that.

Actually your worst case scenario is that he stays with you but is never able to forgive and so your relationship is going to be become toxic if not downright abusive as he holds this over your head.

Personally, I don't think you should be in any relationship at all. You should be working hard on getting your head screwed back on straight, finding balance in your life, getting off the bottle, etc. Get clean, literally, mentally, emotionally. Then you will be able to find and maintain a healthy relationship.

i though he had tried to sleep with her some time before, when she was aware of him having a thing for her.

 

in any case, it doesn't change things imo.

 

mind you, if the guy were half-way decent he wouldn't be getting on top of women too drunk to know what they are or aren't about to end up doing.

 

but i also don't think anyone other than her is responsible for not having sex with people she doesn't want to have sex with. the entire evening she was happily getting drunk and physical with a guy who "fancied her". and didn't call a cab home but simply complied when he insisted on going home with her. i don't know what most men would conclude from that, but i know what most women would conclude: we're bout to get laid. i don't see the resistance.

 

could he have put the fact that she was too drunk at some point to his benefit? hell yeah.

 

she willingly made that more than possible.

 

you know when you keep a guy company when you know he likes you, get drunk with him, get touchy with him, allow him to follow you home so drunk....well, pardon my absolutely vulgar dicition here but what more does it take to make the intercourse willingly planned and executed on your end (the general "your") save from grabbing his **** and shoving it in???

 

you'll do 99% of the work (including getting yourself conveniently very very drunk) and then because he put it in, none of it is yours to own?

 

i'll tell you what. the guy's an ass, yeah. but lord am i grateful i'm not a man considering the widespread conviction of females that they needn't take responsibility for anything. frankly, even if she HAD literally jumped on his thing, she could still be saying it doesn't make it her responsibility because obviously she was too drunk to behave in ways supportive of such behavioral outcomes as would befall a responsible adult.

 

also, this is coming from a person with extensive history of severe abuse. i have a gusto for calling a violation a violation. i also have the belief that one is one's own keeper, and that victims don't go around setting up the stage for sex, then saying they never would have wanted it.

i know you'd have put put a comma there if you intended one.

i love you too Jdude.

You knew this man wanted to have sex with you, you've already established that. But yet, even when you still knew what was going on, you got together with him in the bar and started drinking with him.

You also knew you had a problem with drinking and you still do, yet you allowed yourself to be more than careless with it.

This was not rape. You let this man come next to you, you lead him on, and you knew what he was wanting before you even went to the pub that night.

What you need to do now is, tell your boyfriend the truth, he deserves that.

And you also need to let him know that you've got a drinking problem and that you are going to get help with it, and follow through and get help!

He might stay and support you or he might leave, but be fair and give him all the information and let him decide for himself. Anything else will be fake and unfair.

You are going to have to rip off the proverbial band aid of your mistake by telling your boyfriend and let the chips fall where they end up. You knew what you were doing and your actions need to be accounted for. By not telling him is even more of a betrayal if you think about it. Him unsuspecting, going on with you thinking everything is perfect when there is deciet. It's not right to not tell.

Lisa

I cheated on my boyfriend of six months slightly over three weeks ago and I'm not completely sure how it happened. I feel really low and terrified that he will find out about it and break up with me.

 

I split up with my ex-boyfriend around a year and a half ago. In that time, of being single, I kissed a couple of guys but never found anyone I clicked with so it never went any further. I was with my ex for eight years we have a daughter together, but it was a terribly abusive relationship and I wasn't really in the frame of mind for dating anyone.

 

Six months ago I met a really sweet guy and we hit it off instantly. I have to say he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. Unfortunately I still have some demons from my past relationship and my alcohol consumption can be a problem. One night whilst out at a local bar I bumped into a friend actually I see myself in more of a mother role to him since he is twelve years my junior (I'm thirty three). We were drinking a lot and I can remember him repeatedly stroking my foot, but not really thinking anything of it. I don't fancy him at all by the way. I had a feeling that he probably fancied me.

 

He walked me home at the end of the night even though I had repeatedly asked him not to. I really can not tell you a 100% of what happened from that moment onwards, just that I woke up an hour or so after we'd gotten into bed and we were having sex. I know he had already tried to have sex with me but I had said no and he gave up on his efforts. The finer details of the story don't really matter I guess and the fact is I did have sex with this guy.

 

I feel so horrible and like I want to die everytime I think about it, and it's so out of character for me to behave this way. I want to vomit with guilt. I can honestly say this will never happen again and I have even curbed my drinking which is the only positive outcome from all of this.

 

The guy that I cheated with promised that he wouldn't tell anyone but I believe that he has. I live in a small place and I think that it's only a matter of time before my boyfriend finds out. I'm terrified of what this will do to him and I kow that he loves me. I love him too.

 

I've asked for advice from a close family member and she said I should deny anything ever happened if someone tells him. Do you think this is the right approach?

Edit: Perhaps I should clarify a few points as it appears I have not explained myself clearly enough.

I did not set out to "meet this guy intentionally" at a bar. I was with a group of friends that he also happens to be friends with. I was already there before he arrived. We were not sat drinking in some lovers tryst at the bar. There was a group of us.

I do by in no way try to say I was raped or in some way or led astray by this guy. I am totally responsible for my own actions. Although, I do believe he slightly took advantage of the situation.

Sometimes I am a little niave to peoples intensions and I rather thought the foot thing was nothing. It happened for a split second since I moved my foot, but I thought it was worth mentioning as perhaps I should have seen the signs, however I didn't.

Me refering to this guy as someone I have kind of taken under my wing is because I can truthfully say I had no sexual intent with this guy, and I mention this because I am shocked that this incident happened.

I agree that I do have a problem with alcohol and this would not have happened if I had have been thinking with a sober brain. I also mentioned that this happening has shocked me into cutting back my drinking. I know that this is not an excuse for what happened by the way, but of course it didn't help the situation.

I do admit that I had a feeling that this boy may have had a crush on me or something, but I never for one min thought he would try something with me. This wasn't premeditated in anyway. I can assure you that. I have held a relationship for five years and then one for eight and I never cheated in either, it's not in my nature. I feel very ashamed about what I have done.

i don't understand what you'd expect from tagging home a guy who is crushing on you, but in any case, why not just tell your boyfriend exactly what you said here?

how is it going to make you feel better about it if the only reason the relationship survives this is that he is oblivious to it (until someone ousts it)?

he does have a right to know that you are not in control of your drinking, and by extension not in control of your behavior with men when drunk- and that with your drinking, cheating is a possibility.

from there, he gets to decide what he'd like to do knowing that. you can suggest adjustments on your end, such as getting help for the alcohol issue, and see if that makes him more willing to let it pass this time, and if he doesn't, write it down to experience.

as far as guilt goes, owning it is far more helpful than living with it in hopes you're not "exposed".

I would really take all of this as a sign you aren't ready for a full-on relationship. You got out of a long-term abusive relationship not all that long ago. And you really should just be dating, not getting into committed relationships, for at least year or more after leaving the abusive ex, learning to trust yourself first and foremost, and focusing on stopping the drinking.

Do I think the guy that had sex with you took advantage. Yeah. Do I also think you put yourself in the face of a danger you weren't seeing, because you were overindulging with the alcohol? Yes, that too. The greater point in all of this though is why are you drinking so much? Is this something you started with the ex and also, and I'm going to just put this out there having gone through an abusive relationship myself and done it, are you sure you didn't find the added attention really nice and enjoyable. Because a man was treating you like a human being and someone desirable after you had been made to feel like crap by another one. And same with the current boyfriend.

I say that because I well remember after leaving my abusive ex (first love, so double whammy there) I was all set for any guy who was halfway nice to me. The very fact they were nice as opposed to my ex who by the time I left was just brutal in his criticisms and then physical abuse, was enough for me to decide this was the one. And really they weren't, because I should have slowed down and taken the time to recover and be on my own long enough to learn to trust myself first. And to fully recover from the abuse, so that niceness wasn't sort of akin to offering a person once dying of thirst a drink of water before they've come to fully accept they are no longer trapped in a desert and can get their own water thank you very much.

I'm not sure I'm describing this right, but my take on this is first you should take time for you. And if drinking has been a coping mechanism you need to do the work to change that and I say that, because by the time I left my ex I had a bit of a habit myself. One that I had to end, because again I no longer needed something to "get me through" since I wasn't being torn down all the time.

These are things that take time, they take therapy if you can find it, they take just getting to know you and not rushing to fit someone in to heal yourself. So maybe take a look at all of that. I'm not saying this is the case, but it might be why you found yourself in a bad situation that was allowed to escalate way too far. If the so-called friend roofied you that's something else, it's called sexual assault then, but I can't tell from your words if that's what happened or it's more just you haven't yet found your boundaries. And it's still easy for others to push them away or overrun them, which is one of the big things an abusive relationship does serious damage to.

My two cents. I would favor you telling the boyfriend what happened and then tell him you feel it's a wake-up call to end the drinking and to work on developing healthy boundaries before you start a new relationship. And then you do just that.

I have a lot of guys that "crush" on me and have had many opportunities to fall into bed with guys whilst single. Also whilst in relationships and still even now. This wasn't about me hopping into bed with somebody just because I was horny and feeling I could get away with it. I regretfully made an error in judgement and allowed this boy to walk me home. I made that error and of course he didn't have sex alone.

Despite, your assumption, I am very in control of my behavior and can say with certainty this will not be an episode that repeats its self. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what happened this time, but it happened.

Also this is not about my guilt (although it's there, of course). It's about me hurting a truly wonderful person and the thought that he may blame himself in some way.

I can't help but think if we'd have been together for ten years the advice would be slightly different.

I have read a lot of things online that say for such an indiscretion it's better not to say anything. Is it really worth it to hurt someone so much for something that meant nothing and will never happen again? I don't know?

I would really take all of this as a sign you aren't ready for a full-on relationship. You got out of a long-term abusive relationship not all that long ago. And you really should just be dating, not getting into committed relationships, for at least year or more after leaving the abusive ex, learning to trust yourself first and foremost, and focusing on stopping the drinking.

 

Do I think the guy that had sex with you took advantage. Yeah. Do I also think you put yourself in the face of a danger you weren't seeing, because you were overindulging with the alcohol? Yes, that too. The greater point in all of this though is why are you drinking so much? Is this something you started with the ex and also, and I'm going to just put this out there having gone through an abusive relationship myself and done it, are you sure you didn't find the added attention really nice and enjoyable. Because a man was treating you like a human being and someone desirable after you had been made to feel like crap by another one. And same with the current boyfriend.

 

I say that because I well remember after leaving my abusive ex (first love, so double whammy there) I was all set for any guy who was halfway nice to me. The very fact they were nice as opposed to my ex who by the time I left was just brutal in his criticisms and then physical abuse, was enough for me to decide this was the one. And really they weren't, because I should have slowed down and taken the time to recover and be on my own long enough to learn to trust myself first. And to fully recover from the abuse, so that niceness wasn't sort of akin to offering a person once dying of thirst a drink of water before they've come to fully accept they are no longer trapped in a desert and can get their own water thank you very much.

 

I'm not sure I'm describing this right, but my take on this is first you should take time for you. And if drinking has been a coping mechanism you need to do the work to change that and I say that, because by the time I left my ex I had a bit of a habit myself. One that I had to end, because again I no longer needed something to "get me through" since I wasn't being torn down all the time.

 

These are things that take time, they take therapy if you can find it, they take just getting to know you and not rushing to fit someone in to heal yourself. So maybe take a look at all of that. I'm not saying this is the case, but it might be why you found yourself in a bad situation that was allowed to escalate way too far. If the so-called friend roofied you that's something else, it's called sexual assault then, but I can't tell from your words if that's what happened or it's more just you haven't yet found your boundaries. And it's still easy for others to push them away or overrun them, which is one of the big things an abusive relationship does serious damage to.

 

My two cents. I would favor you telling the boyfriend what happened and then tell him you feel it's a wake-up call to end the drinking and to work on developing healthy boundaries before you start a new relationship. And then you do just that.

Thank you. I have been single for over a year. Perhaps you are right, I'm not quite ready for dating yet. I feel that you have been through something similar to I and I really appreciate your response. xx Oh and yes the alcohol started as a coping mechanisim. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. Not an excuse, but it's not as simple as me just having sex with some guy and not giving a rats ass about the fallout. It's so much more complicated than that. I feel terrible, despite what anyone may think. Thank you again.

You have got to be kidding me..you purposely go out drinking and you allow this man next to you, you allow him to walk you home and you knew he had wanted you from previous experiences and you end up (not shockingly at all) having sex and yet you still sit there and think it's fine to not tell the man you're seeing.

I actually felt sorry for you to some degree, but I don't now. You are essentially lying to your boyfriend and will pretend that everything is fine and give him the impression that you've been loyal...all the while, you had another man inside of you.

You know who the victim is here?? YOUR BOYFRIEND. If you're any kind of decent human being at all you will be honest and fair. You made this mistake, you did this and he has every right to know.

I will tell you something though, if you do indeed come from a small area and this does get back to your boyfriend and he didn't hear it from you, he will be far more upset finding out that you kept it from him and pretended that nothing had happened.

You cheated, he has a right to know.

What I would really find interesting is, if your boyfriend did this to you and you found out by someone else and your boyfriend gave you the same excuses. I doubt you'd find it okay, or no problem that he did this or hid it from you.

it's rich, isn't it.

he's like a son, but he's stroking her foot. then he's not stroking it, he brushed against it for a moment or something.

then, the "boy" who has a thing for her goes home at the end of the night with her. cause one totally takes "boys who are like sons to me" home at night.

but hell naw i never would've imagined that sex would happen, or dream about having sex with him.

i also don't grab my stuff and leave when he tries to have sex with me that i refuse, i stay and we go to my place, but i'm shocked, shocked i tell you that sex happened there.

also, i ended up having sex that i totally didn't intend on having because i was blacked out drunk i.e. not in control/incapacitated, but i'm totally in control of my behavior.

look, if you're confused from whatever happened with the ex and find yourself wanting and not wanting something at once, you're not the first. fine, lapse in judgement, a mistake, two or three. whatever. but for crikes sake then call it that, and tell the boyfriend. all this ridiculous weasling out of it like that is beginning to sound worse than the cheating itself.

if a partner told me this sanitized version that frankly is insulting to one's intelligence, i'd have told him to go eff himself simply for taking me for an idiot.

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now.

Okay, so single for a year. But did you get any counseling or work on your life in the way of self-help or books or anything, because that will make a difference. I know you feel bad, you wouldn't be on here asking for advice if you didn't care. That came through loud and clear. But whatever the motive what happened has happened and you need to deal with the full consequences including telling your boyfriend what happened.

All I can tell you is take the time to get handled on the drinking and to work on yourself. Be honest with the boyfriend, because yes he does need to know. Get tested for STDs, good that you have told that guy to never contact you again, now block and delete him if you haven't already.

Sometimes all we can do is move forward once something happens and take the consequences regardless, because that ironically will also help you far more than staying quiet and feeling guilty. And yes your boyfriend does need to know, you made a choice, he needs to be allowed to make his.

P.S. I know some of the responses are harsh, but I think we're all trying to get you to look at it from a more responsible view than don't tell and it won't be a problem, which your friend gave you some terrible advice there. I just happen to see it slightly differently, because I've been in your shoes to some extent although not with the cheating - I just married someone too fast too young and it tanked as a result AND because I've worked with abuse survivors in a professional capacity. So I recognize some issues that may be going on.

Have a look then have an honest discussion with the boyfriend. Added bonus this guy can't come back at you and try to blackmail you or have it blow up in your face in the worst way possible IF you take full responsibility and just sit the boyfriend down and tell him what happened. And accept what comes next, because that's just life for all of us. Actions have consequences whether we intended for them to or not.