He asked if I've ever been abused!

So this is a continuation of a previous thread I posted. A brief background is that I met a guy last month and he seemed to be rushing our relationship. After a recent conversation, things have began to slow down and now we're taking the time to get to know each other.

Last weekend we spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday together. The plan was Friday and Saturday, and I had plans with my best friend for Sunday. The guy I'm seeing asked "am I not invited" while we were texting plans, so I told him "of course he was". So he went with us and basically hijacked my entire Sunday. I kind of had other things to do, but it was just one time so I let it go, plus I really enjoyed spending so much time together.

We went back to his place and watched movies. So we were cuddling and talking and he asked me if I had ever been abused in a relationship. This caught me off guard and I started to wonder what I had done to give him that impression.

The truth is I have more than once, and the last one was quite traumatic and he really messed up my face for a while. He threatened me with a gun, and it was a complete nightmare. I went to domestic violence counseling for a year and a half, it was very difficult to get over. I asked him why he asked and he told me because sometimes I get jittery and jumpy and I seem nervous at times. All I could be was honest but I gave him as few details as possible, he then asked if all my boyfriends treated me poorly. I told him "no", I haven't dated a ton of people but my longest relationship was a very nice guy.

So I was really embarrassed that I gave that away so easily, and then he's trying to be sweet and make me comfortable again. He said he'd never hurt me, and he would give me the love I deserve and all of these other really sweet things then started trying to make me smile again. I did notice that he typically plans all of our dates before the last one is over, but he said this week was really crazy and I also had some commitments to friends. He said we will spend this weekend together which is a big difference from our usual dates after work.

He's still the nicest guy ever and always texts me good morning and throughout the day. I just feel exposed right now and like some victim or that he sees me as a weak or valueless person. I told him I'm not this fragile, broken person and I've been just fine since, but I'm hoping he doesn't view me differently now.

I have gotten this question before. I also thought it was strange. I've noticed that I've only been asked this question by guys who have had an ex girlfriend that was abused. My impression is that they were (subconsciously) looking for another relationship with a girl who was abused, like past abuse was some sort of comfort zone for these particular guys. It could be that they are abusers, or they want to feel like heroes. I've gotten both impressions in my experience. I would ask your guy if he had an ex who was abused. I wouldn't be surprised if he did. Because it really is a bizarre question to ask someone you barely know.

So he is continuing to push things along at 1000 miles an hour

Hot and heavy, spending way way way way way too much time together, instant relationship, lavishing you with fancy outings, monopolizing your time, etc.

What he asked is also creepy and manipulative in that your resistance or any pumping of the brakes can now be blamed on your past and bulldozed even faster....."oh stop resisting, I won't hurt you, I'm not like the other guys."

These are serious, major red flags OP. You shouldn't be feeling flattered, you should be scared and running for the hills.

What really stood out to me about your post is how easily he monopolized your Sunday when you should have told him to go away because you have things to do without him. The correct answer to his demand would have been you asserting some boundaries and telling him that no, he is not invited and you have other things to do and that's that. Instead, although you are annoyed about it you are busy convincing yourself that really you are so glad. Don't bs yourself because that's how you end up with really bad men.

depending on the intensity and extent to which he is "rushing things", i might want to pay more attention to that.

we do tend to get jittery and jumpy and nervous at times. it may be low key and we don't necessarily find it apparent after a sufficient period of recovery, but it can be noticeable.

agreed he's probably seen it before.

it's just a question. but. one i don't usually answer until i'm sure who i'm talking to, and then maybe, and i'm selective about what and how i disclose.

imo, you don't have enough to go on at this point to conclude he's going to put that information to bad use.

What really stood out to me about your post is how easily he monopolized your Sunday when you should have told him to go away because you have things to do without him.

yeah, that struck me as well.

LB, I agree with DF .....

Just out of curiosity, did YOU ask HIM if he has ever abused a woman?

I would have.

He asks me if I have ever been abused?

That is my cue to ask him if he has ever abused a woman.

IMO, only an abuser would ask a question like that.

An abuser chooses his victims very carefully LB.

Abusers are extremely attentive and appear caring and understanding in the beginning. Almost to the point of it being too much!

It is how they get you to trust them and reel you in.

I don't know this guy, but please be aware of this as you move forward.

.

okay the last thread may explain some of this. you've had sexless sleepovers, and he repeatedly "checked" if your boundaries were still there.

if you're in bed with someone and not having sex and talking about boundaries related to tactile exchange and intimacy, of course his cogwheels screech they've been crossed quite badly in some way.

if you don't want to give off the "i've been violated (in whatever way)/victimized" vibe, don't do stuff you're not "ready" for, because

if you end the date and go to your respective homes, you're a woman with strong boundaries.

if you get closer than you're comfortable and then count on his "kindness to stay at that point and no more", you're a victimized person whose boundaries are in the mercy of others.

he overstayed his welcome on sunday, and your boundaries...were in his mercy.

how did he just know you were someone whom one needs to be careful with to not overstep their boundaries? he kept droning about not overstepping them since the start. who does that? why?

he picked up the victim smell very early, and he pursued it quite eagerly.

i wouldn't like the feel of this.

I have mixed feelings while reading this. I should read back at your previous threads on how he has been rushing things, but for the sake of making sure I reply to what you wrote here I'll go with my initial reactions.

It is easy, if you have been abused and manipulated in the past, to be hyper-conscious of anything potentially similar and to read into what are generally regarded as sweet acts of love, as being negative and potentially pathological. In many abuse relationships, the abuser starts out by rushing the relationship and making the victim feel pushed and pulled by instant-heaviness followed by sudden cold/ detached/ distancing manoeuvres, and that push/pull creates a trauma bond that gets stronger and more complicated to break over time. Abuser does something heinous (like threatening you with a gun - horrific - or hitting, or cheating, or triangulating, or some other deal-breaking move) after having love-bombed the victim, and this creates a rift, which he or she then returns from twice as strong with more love bombing, creating an intensity to the relationship (and perceived feelings of "love" in the victim) that makes it very hard to make heads or tails of anything after awhile.

Okay so once you've moved on to someone who is human, extremely into you, perhaps a bit desperate to prove to you he's a good one and insecure as a result of your detachment and your insistence that he give you space or not rush you, there is another kind of danger. Your SO sounds a little bit like he needs to chill and let the relationship develop, rather than attempting to control how it unfolds. But to me he does not sound all around harmful and I think you can take it easy on him as well. Abusers tend to seem kind of super human - impervious to pain and underneath it all extremely insensitive. Someone who is into you, nervous, sensing on some level that he's probably more into you than you are him, and insecure - is going to give off vibes of "rushing things" because, clearly, you aren't feeling the same amount of excitement about the relationship as he is.

I think whats more important for you to look at here is that you aren't comfortable enough with your boyfriend to share with him the issues you've faced - which you are most likely recovering from now. It takes a longggg time to recover from abuse. You need to really do the work, be honest about it with yourself and the people close to you in your life, and stop judging yourself for having been through it. You can't change the past, but your approach to it is key going forward and if you ignore what you went through you are likely to repeat the same mistake of continuing unhealthy relationships and guarding yourself from healthy ones.

On a personal note, I went through a horribly abusive relationship which broke me down and made me quit trusting people on some level, and when I started dating my current boyfriend I was CONVINCED he was the same way. He was eager, excited, wanted to spend a lot of time with me, and also wanted to figure out my past and learn enough about me to understand what I needed. I hated it and read into it. The difference was that if I ever said I needed time on my own, he gave me that time without inviting himself along. But the key for me has been the fact that from day 1 he has known about my past relationships, not judged me and understood why from time to time I need my space. So, as long as your man can give you some of that I don't see why you guys can't find a balance between you to move forward.

i just...

i once saw a screenshot. from some woman who was on a dating app. the screenshot was of a guy who messaged her to introduce himself. it read:

"Hello.

First and foremost I am not a creep..."

i didn't see the rest of it.

it feels so much like reading about this guy drone on from the effing start how he wants to treat you well and how he won't overstep your boundaries.

he might as well have introduced himself with "First and foremost I am not an abuser".

he's either "clumsy" or a ticking bomb.

but then the way you set up the playing field, relying on him to respect a line without you actually drawing it...i dunno. maybe he wants to be careful...maybe he wants you to think he will be.

you need to be more in charge of your own experience, that much is certain.

So it sounds like you guys agree that I haven't done a good job of defining my boundaries and expectations. You're probably right, this weekend we got caught out in a surprise snowstorm and ended up spending the night together although nothing happened.

Maybe most of this is my fault, I wish I understood how to deal with things that make me uncomfortable. I'm starting to feel like I suck at dating and maybe I should just go back to counseling and forget about it. There are so many things I like about him, but I'm so scared of him ending up being like my ex. He asked me if he reminded me of anyone who treated me poorly in the past, and when I told him "no", he said because he isn't one of these people.

He's nothing like anyone I've ever dated, he's super gentle and my best friend really likes him. I'm feeling really vulnerable and it's been a long time since I've felt this way. I haven't had a serious relationship in 3 years so this is new again and I'm just trying to figure myself out.

defining my boundaries and expectations.

you just need to act in accordance with them. they're your boundaries to respect, ideologically and practically first.

no sleepovers, no overstaying welcomes.

dial it down, take the wheel and observe.

 

He asked me if he reminded me of anyone who treated me poorly in the past, and when I told him "no", he said because he isn't one of these people.

LB, pls know when a man attempts to convince you he is not "one of those people," chances are higher he IS, in fact, one of "those" people.

When a man attempts to convince you he will never hurt you, or worse, abuse you, chances are higher he WILL hurt you, abuse you.

A non-abuser, a man who treats women (people) well in the long term NOT just in the *beginning*, would never even think to say these things to you.

There would be no need to. His ACTIONS would speak for itself! Consistently, over time.

I posted this earlier, and I mean no disrespect, but your picker is off.

If a man said those things to me, my spiny senses would be on overdrive and I would next him, immediately!

You attracted an abuser once, history has a tendency to repest itself UNLESS the person resolves the issues that allowed her to attract and remain with an abuser in the first place

I hate to put it this way, but sometimes people "put out a vibe" where it's clear that they have been abused. Sometimes it's not a conscious thing. But, for example, if you are super meek and easy to "roll over" (like you saying he "monopolized" your Sunday) that's a flag to guys that you may have been abused.

My concern is twofold. Maybe he's looking at you as an easy target and asking that question was confirmation of it.

But more importantly, you seem like you are not developing the boundaries needed to change your relationship patterns from abusive to healthy. I hope you are considering counseling for yourself.

Lack of boundaries in response to his pushing the envelope gives it away. Dating is not for therapy or this type of extended disclosure.

Stick with the planned dates and slow down a lot. Spend much less time together especially all the time you end up at his place "cuddling".

He may sense that you are withholding sex yet sleep over, say yes to too much, too soon, too fast and too much time at his place...that's a classic "I'm damaged goods" message. It indicates lack of boundaries combined with lack of confidence and needing/hoping to be coddled and cuddled, but not really ready for a mature relationship.

A guy you are dating a couple of months can't promise you this and that, it has yet to be seen and known. Didn't your abusive exes say the same thing in the beginning?

I had plans with my best friend for Sunday. The guy I'm seeing asked "am I not invited" while we were texting plans, so I told him "of course he was". So he went with us and basically hijacked my entire Sunday.he asked me if I had ever been abused in a relationship.

Not to excuse any other potential red flags in the equation, but I honestly didn't see any malintent behind him asking whether you'd been abused. It sounds like he's seeing obvious signs and is confirming whether he's going to need to wear softer gloves with you.

Though, to be fair to the skeptics, I would wonder the kind of guy who would willingly date a woman who's displaying signals she's not over the trauma. I don't think it's as much a sign of him being a potential abuser himself and much more some sort of white knight complex. If he's trying to push things at a 100mph, that's where I'd lean.

I'd echo Ms. Darcy's concern over a failure to assert your boundaries. Whether with this guy or the next, a failure to do so can and, statistically, likely will land you in another abusive situation. I know you've made a lot of progress from your previous therapy, but it may be worth continuing to explore.

LB, pls know when a man attempts to convince you he is not "one of those people," chances are higher he IS, in fact, one of "those" people.

 

When a man attempts to convince you he will never hurt you, or worse, abuse you, chances are higher he WILL hurt you, abuse you.

 

A non-abuser, a man who treats women (people) well in the long term NOT just in the *beginning*, would never even think to say these things to you.

 

There would be no need to. His ACTIONS would speak for itself! Consistently, over time.

 

I posted this earlier, and I mean no disrespect, but your picker is off.

 

If a man said those things to me, my spiny senses would be on overdrive and I would next him, immediately!

 

You attracted an abuser once, history has a tendency to repest itself UNLESS the person resolves the issues that allowed her to attract and remain with an abuser in the first place

I (very respectfully!) disagree with a few things you`ve said. I`ve been with someone for 8 months who has reassured me repeatedly that he is a good guy, that he`d never hurt me. He knows I was in a not so healthy relationship. I even did a few dumb things in the beginning, like pick a fight. Looking back I think I was just my misguided way of `poking him with a stick to see if a monster would come out`. But a monster never came out and he`s been, again, consistently reassuring me. So I stopped poking him with a stick (haha) and he`s still as kind as ever.

Of course it is possible that the man OP (can someone please explain what OP stands for) is dating is a bad guy. But I am not seeing enough evidence here to conclude that, not even close. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt for a while longer before assuming that he isn`t the good guy he says he is. Of course, time will tell!!!

I don't think it's as much a sign of him being a potential abuser himself and much more some sort of white knight complex.

I think White Knight syndrome is a definite possibility, but watch out for Abuser. His hijacking of your Sunday is something I didn't notice the first time I read your post. It shows some degree of disregard. How deep that goes, I don't know. But it's there.

Not to excuse any other potential red flags in the equation, but I honestly didn't see any malintent behind him asking whether you'd been abused.

On its own, asking if she has ever been abused would not be a red flag, necessarily, so agree with you.

However, combined with him announcing that he would "never hurt her," and is not "one of 'those' people," -- such people being men who "have" abused her, broken her trust, and/or not treated her well generally -- along with his accusations that she has "intimacy issues," and telling her he was "testing her boundaries" (her previous thread) by essentially harassing her ad nauseum as to why she wished to wait for sex, certainly would indicate, to me anyway, that he "may" (just may) lean towards controlling and emotionally abusive behavior, and at the very least, LB should consider the possibility and NOT rule it out.

Agree with the rest of your post though!

Whatever his motive, I think that him asking her at such an early stage of their acquaintance is him acting in his own interest, rather than hers.

can someone please explain what OP stands for

I (very respectfully!) disagree with a few things you`ve said. I`ve been with someone for 8 months who has reassured me repeatedly that he is a good guy, that he`d never hurt me. He knows I was in a not so healthy relationship. I even did a few dumb things in the beginning, like pick a fight. Looking back I think I was just my misguided way of `poking him with a stick to see if a monster would come out`. But a monster never came out and he`s been, again, consistently reassuring me. So I stopped poking him with a stick (haha) and he`s still as kind as ever.

 

Of course it is possible that the man OP (can someone please explain what OP stands for) is dating is a bad guy. But I am not seeing enough evidence here to conclude that, not even close. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt for a while longer before assuming that he isn`t the good guy he says he is. Of course, time will tell!!!

 

First off, OP stands for "original poster," and second, just to clarify, I only suggested that he might be a controller/emotional abuser (based not just on this thread but her previous thread).

 

That it was a possibility, that she should consider and not rule out. I think I said in the post you quoted, the chances are higher that he could be, of course it doesn't mean that he for sure is.

 

That's all.

 

I am really happy for you that you have found yourself a great guy!

 

For me, last weekend, I ended a nearly three month relationship with a man who I originally thought was a great guy, but as time passed, showed very clear signs that he was extremely controlling and yes even emotionally abusive.

 

So I ended it.

clingy? savior? caretaker? abuser?

*le shrug* at this point i wouldn't particularly care what kind of overbearing/overinvolved specimen he was. a month in and this level of eagerness, i'd be put off. buuut personaly, he wouldn't be monopolizing my time, place, or sleeping in my bed...maybe he just goes along with what OP sets up.

So it sounds like you guys agree that I haven't done a good job of defining my boundaries and expectations. You're probably right, this weekend we got caught out in a surprise snowstorm and ended up spending the night together although nothing happened.

Maybe most of this is my fault, I wish I understood how to deal with things that make me uncomfortable. I'm starting to feel like I suck at dating and maybe I should just go back to counseling and forget about it. There are so many things I like about him, but I'm so scared of him ending up being like my ex. He asked me if he reminded me of anyone who treated me poorly in the past, and when I told him "no", he said because he isn't one of these people.

 

He's nothing like anyone I've ever dated, he's super gentle and my best friend really likes him. I'm feeling really vulnerable and it's been a long time since I've felt this way. I haven't had a serious relationship in 3 years so this is new again and I'm just trying to figure myself out.

The fact that it's making you uncomfortable is good. That's your gut telling you that something is not right and you need to learn to listen to that and trust it and pay attention.

How to deal with it is really quite simple - you learn how to say NO. Saying no sometimes means removing the person that is making you uncomfortable out of your life entirely if you have said no numerous times and they disregard your wishes and continue to make you uncomfortable.

NO is a word that needs to become your best friend. It's not a bad word, it's not a negative word, it's not something that upsets people either. It's a word that protects people from all kinds of frustrations and other bad things. Think about it this way - if you call your bestie and ask her if she is available to hang out and she says sorry, no can do, a bit too busy today but I'm free on x day. Are you going to get mad at her and quit your friendship? Of course not. Now imagine that she is dishonest with you and says yes sure even though she is stressed out and really can't afford the time. You come over, she is on edge, things get said, your friendship gets strained. Do you see how saying yes when you mean no is a negative?

Consider your situation with this guy on Sunday. He started to invite himself and took over your day and dominated things. That itself is a red flag. But how do you handle pushy? When he asked you if he isn't invited, your answer should have been a very simple, "no sorry, i'm spending time with my friend, then I have other things I need to get done. Was lovely to see you the last two days, I am free again this coming Friday night" - that's how you assert boundaries. No to him overstepping time spent and being clear when you will be available, thus slowing down how much time you are spending with him. Now, a normal person is NEVER going to get upset at that. Sure if he really really likes you, he might ask if you might be free before friday night, but you stick to it and guess what? He will see you happily when you are free. That's how you dictate pace and space without being rude or nasty or weak about it. It's really not a discussion at all, you simple state terms and stick to them and do not change your mind or back off. If he starts pleading with you to make time before Friday and you cave in, you just taught him that he can push you around and manipulate you. The way you handle pushing and pleading is dismissing the conversation and hanging up. "oops sorry gotta go." or you can be even more blunt "listen, your disregard for my time is starting to bother me. I already told you I'm not free until friday night." For you it probably sounds like a scary thing to say, but guess what? If the guy pitches an angry fit - you've just flushed out a guy who is bad news and pushed his buttons. You can kick him to the curb with certain knowledge that you've dodged a bullet. A decent guy will apologize and back off and from there on out actually respect what you say because you showed him clearly that you will stand by what you need and will not tolerate pushiness.

Personally, I don't have tolerance for any kind of pushiness at all. If I said something once or twice and the guys ignores it, I'm out. Dating is ruthless like that and needs to be. I don't think you need more breaks from dating. I think you need to just DATE. Not with an eye for meeting a one guy who is bulldozing you and letting him take over your life and time in a matter of a couple of weeks, but just go out on dates with various guys and sit back and observe how they act, talk, treat you. Learn to date and learn how to say no to things you don't want. You are not going to learn how to read between the lines, read poor behavior, etc. by staying away, getting lonely, then getting desperate for companionship and then finally jumping in with whatever first guy comes your way who may or may not be good for you, but you are so lonely, that any attention becomes good attention.

I think the question definitely warrants a discussion.

Why did he ask you that?

Is there anything you have done that would lead him to believe so?

His answers may be telling.

And shrugging off the question would be as well.

No one asks that type of question with some reason. . what ever it may be.