The silent phone

Still in ambiguity land with my ex

Last week it has seemed increasingly like he will be a yes. Two days in a row he invited me to hang out with him (this is unprecedented even when we were together). I was busy the first day, the second day I helped him do a lighting set up. While there one of the performers mentioned his solo project was playing the next day and would I be there watching, at which point my ex pipes up with "and I'll be doing lights". I wouldn't have gone for lights alone but with nothing on the next day I decided to go and watch the solo project.

Towards the end of the show my ex asks if I can stay and pack up lights with him. I do. After he asks if we will do post show hangs? Sure. This night, and hanging out the night before (the first night he asked I was busy) he's being increasingly physically affectionate. It's really nice. I had forgotten how we didn't cuddle so much as cling to each other. Sharing a bed still seems like a bad idea because intimacy is pretty inevitable but 4.30 in the morning we are still on the couch cuddling and watching cartoons and I feel like if it means parting ways we might never sleep so I invite him to stay over.

The last bit of communication we had back and forth he said something to which my response was to call him adorable and he replied with "you are". So, this doesn't exactly ring of disinterest....

But then entire days go by without him getting in touch (and me not being the one to initiate because I already feel like there is a significant imbalance there.). Yesterday I thought I ought to leave him all of the space and wait for him to get in touch with me. Because he still has all the power. Now I'm half way through day two with no word from him and it leaves me feeling like I am out of sight and out of mind. I don't know if this is a reasonable conclusion to draw or just my insecurity talking? All his actions in person lately have suggested that I am special to him and he likes my company and sharing affection with him but I think there is something about the symbolism of letting a whole day slide by without so much as a hi that makes me feel like I'm not more special than a friend.

If we were together, this would be a tangible thing I could ask for, can you stay in touch with me more, without me always having to be the person who reaches out. And he could try it, and see if it's a thing he can do or not, and we could go forward from there. I think, it's not unreasonable to want to feel included in your partner's life right? But it might just be that how I like to relationship is way too different to how he does. And I would be more ok with the silences if it was already made abundantly clear to me in other ways that he loves me and wants me in his life. But, especially in this awful 3 weeks of limbo, I have no reassurances at all, just a depressingly silent phone and not enough other stuff going on to distract me from it.

And I keep imagining that we will reach the 3 week mark and I won't hear anything from him at all. The prospect of which makes me very sad and it hasn't even happened yet

Well he's not ignoring me. Shared a link to his facebook I thought he'd like and he shared one back. Received a snap chat from him last night but I expect that went out to many.

He's probably just plodding along quietly doing him things, being a person who feels affection for me, but doesn't feel any need to reach out. That doesn't make me any less aware that we're not into day 3 with no ice breaking from him. Come Sunday we shall have passed the 3 weeks I gave him to think and hopefully I'll either have the information with which to murder hope, or we'll be setting about restoring/repairing the relationship. Surely he Knows by now what he wants? Is he really still thinking or is he waiting for the 3 weeks because that was the suggested time frame and he's kind of neat like that?! I suppose once Sunday is passed I can ask him directly.

It sucks seeing him on the facebook chat bar and feeling like I can't be the one to go "hey, what ya up to?"

Edit to add: I was googling "how to not be needy" yesterday and the internet seemed to suggest, the neediness comes from old traumas, can work through these with a mental health professional. Really considering it. Because I would REEEEALLY like to be better and doing my own thing.

Just want to text and ask "whyyyyyy haven't you messaged meeeeee"?! But I know I can't

Try reading up on attachment styles.

It may help to "not feel needy"

Anxious Preoccupied Attachment – Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away.

Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.”

I did the thing. Even took a little quiz, just over middling anxious but definitely preoccupied (super low avoidance). I don't play games or try and manipulate people or sacrifice my own comfort in an attempt to maintain connection, but that thing about getting fixated on getting that reassurance, bleeghhhhh, it all truuue. (Ended up coaxing my ex into taking the test too, he scores far better than I, comfortably secure bless his cotton socks). It's true, and it's frustrating! I want my life back! I want more self sufficiency!!!!

Knowing is kind of helpful and depressing in equal parts. No one really gave any practical advice on how to change it. Somewhere the suggestion to be clear in expressing my needs with partners, and to not follow typical dating advice like arbitrarily waiting to reply to messages was good to read. There's been a couple of things I've asked my ex for (random messages if he thinks of me, him to do a bit more of the inviting out) that have been well received and he's tweaked his behaviour a bit accordingly. And I in turn am striving to keep my head and keep my life outside of him. Do fervently wish I was more secure attached and less preoccupied though. How much less sad I might have been over the years if my attachment style didn't suck so much.