Boyfriend & Chinese family cultural clashes are breaking my heart?

I have been with my long distance boyfriend for almost half a year now. Whilst I write this incredibly upset and emotional, I love my boyfriend dearly. We have similar interests, I feel happy around him, we can spend days together and never get bored of each other as there is also a friendship. He is very, very serious about me and reminds me every day. He does generally stick to his word and executes what he says he will do, involving me and our future. I will say he is not a dense person. We are both great at communicating and both equally voice how we feel. His family is wonderful, also the extended family, they treat me like his daughter and generally have lovely comments to say about me and he loves mine, my family and his get a long great as well. I do not need to further detail however my boyfriend is very special to me and we have grown a lot over the past few months. We have had a few problems in our relationship however, from him disrespecting me by commenting about our females appearances in front of me, saying the wrong thing that causes an argument and a few "white lies" usually it is resolvable no matter how hurtful.

He was leaving tonight which he picked me up, took me back to his parents and we then all went to the airport. I decided that I would wear a new dress that I bought, somewhat short and a bit revealing around the chest however nothing outrageously inappropriate as I'm culturally aware from living in different cultures overseas for many years. His mother said something to him in Chinese obviously about what I was wearing and he said to me "cover your cleavage" which I was obviously very embarrassed about as it was in front of everyone and in public. I felt very small, humiliated and it was a sexist comment as he often walks around in public in a tank top, shorts and inappropriate footwear. Even though he may do something my family dislikes, never would we comment or make him feel inferior. I'm certain he has disrespected "western values" but never would my parents comment nor would they say something to me to say to him to make him feel uncomfortable. We then went upstairs in which they were talking about something which I didn't hear so I asked and my boyfriend acted a bit cheeky and wouldn't tell me, he then told me, which was about a holiday to Hong Kong. I was then irritated at that as it didn't have to take him so long to answer my simple question. My mother is currently away for a health check up which I am obviously very stressed & upset about. In addition to that and what happened tonight, I became very upset in front of him. He started to become very defensive, angry, was lying to me about the reason he told me to cover up. One lie was because he thought I was cold, if so, could have politely brought me aside and asked if I were cold and then tell me to cover up. The next was because of Chinese culture (which I find slightly odd but understandable - yet there are no dress codes where I live regarding this and the most revealing clothes I've ever seen have been worn by Chinese individuals) the argument just got worse and worse in which he was crying as well. He was running close to missing his flight, only 45 minutes to board yet he claimed I was more important than the flight. I love this man so much, I want to have a great relationship with him but he is hurting me and because his family are involved in this issue, which is a cultural clash, it is truly quite heartbreaking as family means a lot to him being the only child and I love my family. He reassured me that his mother does not judge me based on what I wear but I cannot help feel this way. When you love someone, you cannot bear the thought of the family not accepting you for who you are. This is probably the hardest part. My heart feels quite shattered. He is not purposely hurting me but he is. He is my best friend and someone I am in love with.

I'm not sure there was a question in there so I'll just respond with opinions.

My girlfriend is Chinese so I know the culture very well and I have dated a multitude of different races. (that sounds bad...)

I don't think you did anything wrong and to be honest, I don;t think he did either. You wore something a little revealing and his family made a comment which he told you about (albeit in front of them).

Firstly, he is right that in *general* the Chinese tend to be a bit more reserved in how they dress. Usually this is because they tend not to have much *up top* (sorry), so there isn't much to show off, but when they do, they naturally like to flaunt it. This means that as a culture, they *tend* to dress in a more reserved fashion so his parents commenting was probably more out of shock (by comparison to other Chinese) than anything. The same principle occurs in Thai temples for example... the etiquette is that you don't show skin. Sure, some Thais do because they want to pray and just forget, but foreigners are told off. Just because they might be showing skin, doesn't mean it's *ok* for you to... I know, it's a double-standard.

As for how he dealt with it, yes, maybe he shouldn't have told you in front of them but as they'd already seen *those*, and commented... I'm not sure what other embarrassment there could be.

As for the trip to Hong Kong, I'm not sure I understand. Was it for the two of you? Might it have been intended as a surprise?

Sorry but I don't see anything cultural here. You were dressed inappropriately from what you describe to be around anyone's parents regardless of culture. His mother commented, he was rather tactless in how he handled it. So you were both in the wrong. You were wrong to wear an overly revealing dress, he was wrong in how he handled his mother's complaint. Honestly, I think you need to put aside your bruised ego, acknowledge your side of the fault, apologize and ask him to be more tactful next time there is an issue. Escalating the argument after the tactless comment by him was on you. You could have waited to discuss that with him later.

It's one thing to wear a tight, short, revealing dress when you are heading out on a date and quite a different matter when you are going to be spending any kind of time with someone's parents. Nothing to do with being yourself or not, just being an adult and knowing how to dress appropriately for different occasions.

Thank you for your response. About the HK trip, it was exactly that. I didn't understand either. My boyfriend kept saying "there" "there" to which I did not understand. I had to ask 4 times or so and then he cheekily said "Hong Kong" about the destination. Not a big issue of course, just irritated me after the first comment about my clothing.

I doubt you have anything to worry about with his parents. From what I've experienced, Chinese families are VERY vocal about approval of people (my girlfriend's family sure are!) so if the worst you've encountered is that you're impressively endowed, you're doing well!

I fully understand your situation. Culture hasn't really to do with it. It's more their education and how they are raised to. Some people independently of their origin love to be sadistic and to give their opinion about others.

I think you bf have said something about you to them or better say complaining about you to them and then inverse...

And trust me, most chinese people are far more open-minded than you think about clothing and other stuff.

Sorry but I don't see anything cultural here. You were dressed inappropriately from what you describe to be around anyone's parents regardless of culture. His mother commented, he was rather tactless in how he handled it. So you were both in the wrong. You were wrong to wear an overly revealing dress, he was wrong in how he handled his mother's complaint. Honestly, I think you need to put aside your bruised ego, acknowledge your side of the fault, apologize and ask him to be more tactful next time there is an issue. Escalating the argument after the tactless comment by him was on you. You could have waited to discuss that with him later.

 

It's one thing to wear a tight, short, revealing dress when you are heading out on a date and quite a different matter when you are going to be spending any kind of time with someone's parents. Nothing to do with being yourself or not, just being an adult and knowing how to dress appropriately for different occasions.

Agree with this. I'm Chinese and I don't think culture has anything to do with it.

Just like if I was going to a wedding, I'd choose something classy rather than sexy (so no cleavage), I am always mindful about my clothing when I spend time with my partner's family too, they're Caucasian. It's simply polite to cover up around the key areas when around a partner's family. If it was just the two of you going on a date, that's a different story.

Usually because they can speak another language, I do find Chinese parents tend to make comments more intended for a private conversation right in front of the actual person (you), because you can't understand it anyway and they didn't expect it to be passed on. And yes they do like to make comments. It's up the the individual (your boyfriend) to filter what is said and only pass on if appropriate. That's what I do with my parents and my partner, there are a lot of things that are not meant to be passed on and I don't.

Even if it is meant to be passed on, sometimes I don't, for instance once we were out driving somewhere, my dad said to tell my partner to drive more carefully (it seemed a bit bumpy, but it's really just that model of car), classic Chinese parent. So I told dad, he knows how to drive safely, he doesn't need to be told.

I think it comes down to your boyfriend being tactless. That's something you should be communicating to him about, calmly. You both sound quite young to be honest. Work on your communication skills and tact.

Sorry what do you mean by "I think you bf have said something about you to them or better say complaining about you to them and then inverse" do you mind re explaining that?

I realise the parents are older and more traditional, just like my parents are. However, I don't see how that gives them the God given right to say such things. Thoughtless and rude, in my opinion, at least. What is sad is that the mother is the only one with the issue, the father apparently doesn't care and my boyfriend has voiced he doesn't mind what I wear.

However, I don't see how that gives them the God given right to say such things. Thoughtless and rude, in my opinion, at least. What is sad is that the mother is the only one with the issue, the father apparently doesn't care and my boyfriend has voiced he doesn't mind what I wear.

Well you don't know what she actually said... he just told you to cover up.

She might have just made a matter of fact comment like "I can see her cleavage" or "that skirt is short".

How do you know she has an issue with it? Even your boyfriend later said she has no issue with it.

I would think the matter is entirely your boyfriend's fault (for the lack of a better word) for overreacting to a simple comment and asking you to cover up.

My mum often made comments about my boyfriend's weight when she sees him, because he looks more lean in person than in his photos, she thinks he should go to the gym more. She makes comments about my weight too. We're both quite thin. They are not malicious comments, just observations. It's like...ok...? What's your point? I just respond with, Ok. Or yes mum he does look leaner in person, it's all muscles. Or whatever. It's not ill-meaninged. But if you wanna take offence, that's up to you.

This may be cultural but Chinese people (who aren't really accustomed to Western culture) don't find commenting on people's appearances or weight or clothing or anything really to be offensive, nor do they take offence if someone commented about them.

If you want to interpret her comment as malicious, you can. If you want to hold a grudge, you also can. But given this is your boyfriend's family, I would suggest you give her the benefit of the doubt, also be the bigger person and let it go.

Please excuse me for being blunt, but may I say... just let it go already. Learn from it. His parents are a little more on the traditional side and his mother thought you should "cover up". Now that you know about it, simply don't dress in revealing clothes when around them. It really is such a simple thing to solve. Much ado about nothing (imo). You can choose to get all worked up and upset about it and go on and on and be all hurt etc etc, but for what? Such a waste of time and energy.

The mother and boyfriend could learn a little more tact, sure, and you can learn not to let such small things cut you so deep that you can't let it go.

Move on already. There are far bigger things in life than to get in a knot about such small issues (imo).

Thanks, this really put my mind at ease and put everything into perspective. This is what I needed to read.