Dating a guy but so far no sex - is it normal?

Some of you may know the beginning of this story with the climbing guy. Now it's been date .. 6. We spent both Christmas eve and a Christmas day together. It is all going very well. He's texting me every day. And we talked about our feelings for each other the other day.

The thing is we had quite a few opportunities to make out and fool around with only little clothes on, and each time he aborts it midair. He gets all hard, but does not follow through. Early on he said, "I'll make love to you when the time is right". Fine. But now he doesn't say anything, and just aborts it. It doesn't really bother me if seen through a lense of serious interest as it shows patience and consideration from his side. Great. But my girlfriends keep saying to me that it isn't normal, and that likely he has some physical disfunction, and I better find it out before I get more emotionally involved with him.

We have a date this Wednesday. He's coming to pick me up at my house, and we''ll be alone for a couple of hours. What should I do? Should I talk to him about it?

If it's been 6 outside dates with nothing sexual (like making out with little clothes on), then it's perfectly normal to me.

However it does seem odd to me to repeatedly make out with little clothes on that almost lead to sex, then stop without saying anything.

I would ask him why he's been doing that. If the answer is the same, that he wants to wait, then I would tell him, let's stop this making out till sex almost happens thing and only get into bed when you feel comfortable with it progressing to sex.

Some people, men included, have a timeline. One guy I dated waited six months from when we started dating only each other. That was crazy long. Just talk to him - what are his thoughts about, how to handle contraception and protection, what would you if pregnancy happened. It's a conversation you need to have before sex anyway.

He doesn't show signs of a physical issue, your gfs need to stop making up sensational answers.

If it's been 6 outside dates with nothing sexual (like making out with little clothes on), then it's perfectly normal to me.

 

However it does seem odd to me to repeatedly make out with little clothes on that almost lead to sex, then stop without saying anything.

 

I would ask him why he's been doing that. If the answer is the same, that he wants to wait, then I would tell him, let's stop this making out till sex almost happens thing and only get into bed when you feel comfortable with it progressing to sex.

Notalady, so, the last three dates have been at home - at least in part. Two times at mine and once at his with no one around. I find it really odd. No guy I know would have forgone the chance of having sex in such circumstances.

Notalady, so, the last three dates have been at home - at least in part. Two times at mine and once at his with no one around. I find it really odd. No guy I know would have forgone the chance of having sex in such circumstances.

It is unusual but it also is sexist thinking. If we want everyone to be responsible sexual partners, then we need to be open minded when we find a man who is as responsible as per his own standards in the same way we encourage women to be responsible according to their own standards.

If he were a woman, it wouldn't be regarded as odd. Let's offer men the same latitude.

Notalady, so, the last three dates have been at home - at least in part. Two times at mine and once at his with no one around. I find it really odd. No guy I know would have forgone the chance of having sex in such circumstances.

Again, if there had been nothing sexual, I don't think it's unusual at all. It would only make me respect the guy more if we're in a place that any other guy would've taken advantage of to make a move, and he doesn't. To me it shows restraint and respect (if it was agreed upon that we will wait and get to know each other better first). Maybe that's just me.

But, you did get sexual, and he stopped half way. That's kind of odd, to repeatedly do that (once maybe is just heat of the moment before realising that he wanted to wait), and not progress to sex.

If that is confusing to you, I would mention it and just say let's not get sexual until we're ready to actually have sex.

Again, if there had been nothing sexual, I don't think it's unusual at all. It would only make me respect the guy more if we're in a place that any other guy would've taken advantage of to make a move, and he doesn't. To me it shows restraint and respect (if it was agreed upon that we will wait and get to know each other better first). Maybe that's just me.

 

But, you did get sexual, and he stopped half way. That's kind of odd, to repeatedly do that (once maybe is just heat of the moment before realising that he wanted to wait), and not progress to sex.

 

If that is confusing to you, I would mention it and just say let's not get sexual until we're ready to actually have sex.

Agree that a conversation is warranted. The conclusion might be different though. There are many ways sexual activity can be satisfying without having sex per se. The conclusion might be, well okay, I get it. So let's do whatever we feel like doing, except that. Or the conclusion you suggest. Or... whatever they feel.

The p in the v sex act is fraught with physical, cultural, and psychological significance that does not burden other sorts of sexual activity. I'd explore those avenues (if interested).

My BF and I set a "playdate" when we mutually decided sex would occur on the next date. We had to set it to make arrangements for an empty house. So I guess the point I am making is there were discussions about this, between my BF and I - which seemed quite normal. So I would agree with another poster that a discussion is a good idea. Just to see where he is at, and what he is thinking. You are left hanging and a bit befuddled. I can't say I blame you. There is nothing wrong with a conversation. It may be awkward at first to start it, but in the end it will be better to understand what is going on in his head rather than wonder... Good luck on Wednesday.

You know, in the like 12 years I've popped in and out on these forums, I don't think I've ever once not groaned after reading whatever advice a poster says her girlfriends gave her. Friends who happen to be female? Sure. But there's something about the type of women you'd think to call "girlfriends" that I think intrinsically relates to offering bad input. I don't know. It's a theory. I'm workin' on it.

In any case, it's normal for some guys. He could have burned one too many times by women who get too emotionally invested immediately after sex, so he's trying to build slowly that point instead. Maybe he in fact gets too emotionally invested afterward, so wants to hold off. Could be a number of perfectly reasonable things leading him to take it a bit slower.

However, a big consideration should be in whether you may just be crap at giving signals or expressing receptiveness. Are you making moves that could be translated as a green light? Or, even better, taking some initiative yourself? I don't mean simply starting the makeout session, but straight up unbuttoning his pants.

But if you're being receptive and assertive and you're not liking these little sessions ending without a bang, then I'd agree with the others that it's fine to ask to hold off until he knows he's ready.

You know, in the like 12 years I've popped in and out on these forums, I don't think I've ever once not groaned after reading whatever advice a poster says her girlfriends gave her. Friends who happen to be female? Sure. But there's something about the type of women you'd think to call "girlfriends" that I think intrinsically relates to offering bad input. I don't know. It's a theory. I'm workin' on it.

 

In any case, it's normal for some guys. He could have burned one too many times by women who get too emotionally invested immediately after sex, so he's trying to build slowly that point instead. Maybe he in fact gets too emotionally invested afterward, so wants to hold off. Could be a number of perfectly reasonable things leading him to take it a bit slower.

 

However, a big consideration should be in whether you may just be crap at giving signals or expressing receptiveness. Are you making moves that could be translated as a green light? Or, even better, taking some initiative yourself? I don't mean simply starting the makeout session, but straight up unbuttoning his pants.

 

But if you're being receptive and assertive and you're not liking these little sessions ending without a bang, then I'd agree with the others that it's fine to ask to hold off until he knows he's ready.

I agree with you about friends' observations. There can be a groupthink nature to it and also a sort of mob mentality to break the guy down, as if men are the enemy. I can understand the origin of such a stance. That's a longer discussion.

Men are people too. They even have care for others and actual feelings. I know, crazy.

I do think it's a bit odd, Broomwood. I've only met one guy like that, and it didn't end well! He finally kind of bugged out at the second-month mark. He was rebounding, you see.

I do think it's a bit odd, Broomwood. I've only met one guy like that, and it didn't end well! He finally kind of bugged out at the second-month mark. He was rebounding, you see.

What if the genders in this thread were reversed.

Think about it.

I thought about it when it was happening to me. But that was my experience.

I thought about it when it was happening to me. But that was my experience.

Yes, your post was specific to that experience. I don't think this guy is rebounding, i think he is risk averse.

If they can't have a discussion its just as well.

Date six, and you haven't had sex? Good. You aren't dating a player!

I really don't understand the problem... just give it time!

Yes, your post was specific to that experience. I don't think this guy is rebounding, i think he is risk averse.

Personally, I have no idea about the guy. I'm just sharing my own similar experience and qualifying it as such.

What if the genders in this thread were reversed.

 

Think about it.

If genders were reversed, then the woman's level of testosterone would be 7-8 times greater than the man's.

And SHE would be the one consumed with having sex, ASAP.

Instead of him (and most men), which appears to be the case!

NOT suggesting sex is all they (men) want, not at all.

But, at least in my experience, when a man is attracted to me, he's gonna be escalating way sooner than six dates.

But then again, the men I attract are all extremely masculine men, who I would venture to guess possess high levels of testosterone.

OP, I am with you on this one. A bit unusual, but play it out.

If genders were reversed, then the woman's level of testosterone would be 7-8 times greater than the man's.

 

And SHE would be the one consumed with having sex, ASAP.

 

Instead of him (and most men), which appears to be the case!

 

NOT suggesting sex is all they (men) want, not at all.

 

But, at least in my experience, when a man is attracted to me, he's gonna be escalating way sooner than six dates.

 

But then again, the men I attract are all extremely masculine men, who I would venture to guess possess high levels of testosterone.

 

OP, I am with you on this one. A bit unusual, but play it out.

smh at all this

smh at all this

LOL, I know. I knew I was gonna get at least some flack for that!

I expected it.

Seriously though, it was partly meant as tongue-n-cheek, and part truth, based on my experience and my limited knowlege of how testosterone levels affect one's sex drive.

LOL, I know. I knew I was gonna get at least some flack for that!

 

I expected it.

 

Seriously though, it was partly meant as tongue-n-cheek, and part truth, based on my experience and my limited knowlege of how testosterone levels affect one's sex drive.

I have been dumped more than once for my drive exceeding his. I am a woman, no extra parts.

We all are on some sort of spectrum and other factors - energy, health, other motivations and distractions - all play into one's drive.

The gender gap in terms of normative is hooey.

Some of you may know the beginning of this story with the climbing guy. Now it's been date .. 6. We spent both Christmas eve and a Christmas day together. It is all going very well. He's texting me every day. And we talked about our feelings for each other the other day.

 

The thing is we had quite a few opportunities to make out and fool around with only little clothes on, and each time he aborts it midair. He gets all hard, but does not follow through. Early on he said, "I'll make love to you when the time is right". Fine. But now he doesn't say anything, and just aborts it. It doesn't really bother me if seen through a lense of serious interest as it shows patience and consideration from his side. Great. But my girlfriends keep saying to me that it isn't normal, and that likely he has some physical disfunction, and I better find it out before I get more emotionally involved with him.

 

We have a date this Wednesday. He's coming to pick me up at my house, and we''ll be alone for a couple of hours. What should I do? Should I talk to him about it?

I really would take what he's saying at face value, instead of automatically assuming he has a sexual dysfunction. I am assuming 6 dates were in a span of at least 6 weeks (or less), which makes waiting for sex perfectly justifiable. Some people really only get sexual when there is steady commitment to avoid getting emotionally attached to something that does not have potential.

Every single guy I've dated (except for 1) wanted sex almost immediately, either on the 1st, 2nd or 3rd date. But I did date 1-2 guys who really wanted to get to know me first (a few months) before getting sexual. This was because they were VERY serious men who really had no interest in getting sexual with women if there was no potential. So its quite hard to say and it really depends.

On the other hand, make sure there is in fact sexual chemistry between both of you to ensure that he is not putting it off because of a lack of attraction/chemistry.

Lastly, I would discuss this with him casually just to try and find out why he is stalling, he may give you a very valid reason

You can only know by having an honest and open conversation about this.

Best of luck!

I really would take what he's saying at face value, instead of automatically assuming he has a sexual dysfunction. I am assuming 6 dates were in a span of at least 6 weeks (or less), which makes waiting for sex perfectly justifiable. Some people really only get sexual when there is steady commitment to avoid getting emotionally attached to something that does not have potential.

 

Every single guy I've dated (except for 1) wanted sex almost immediately, either on the 1st, 2nd or 3rd date. But I did date 1-2 guys who really wanted to get to know me first (a few months) before getting sexual. This was because they were VERY serious men who really had no interest in getting sexual with women if there was no potential. So its quite hard to say and it really depends.

 

On the other hand, make sure there is in fact sexual chemistry between both of you to ensure that he is not putting it off because of a lack of attraction/chemistry.

 

Lastly, I would discuss this with him casually just to try and find out why he is stalling, he may give you a very valid reason

You can only know by having an honest and open conversation about this.

 

Best of luck!

Agree with you that I probably should take what he says at face value. He is a very serious guy, and said upfront that he is not interested in the short term gain or a momentum relationship. We have strong chemistry and also connection. Gosh, it can be a few months wait. I'll try and find out what his timeline is. He has become more playful today and texted, "Hello, sexy". This is the first time ever. So I gather there's some movement in the ice lol.

Agree with you that I probably should take what he says at face value. He is a very serious guy, and said upfront that he is not interested in the short term gain or a momentum relationship. We have strong chemistry and also connection. Gosh, it can be a few months wait. I'll try and find out what his timeline is. He has become more playful today and texted, "Hello, sexy". This is the first time ever. So I gather there's some movement in the ice lol.

 

I wouldn't discuss timelines, just relax and enjoy the ride, and let it happen naturally. Talking about sex too much is unnecessary.

I have been dumped more than once for my drive exceeding his. I am a woman, no extra parts.

 

We all are on some sort of spectrum and other factors - energy, health, other motivations and distractions - all play into one's drive.

 

The gender gap in terms of normative is hooey.

I'm honestly not above some gender stereotypes. I used to believe that men had the market cornered on sex drive, but I don't know anymore. I've been with a lot of women with all kinds of raunch and all kinds of drive. And I do think a lot of women who claim not to have such a high drive are women who enjoy, at least to some extent, the power dynamic that comes with being a "gatekeeper" of sorts. It [in my view, wrongly] takes away from their own personal value if they feel like the fence is wide open for a guy to come in when he pleases, even if she likes it as well. Personally, I never get anything positive out of telling my girlfriend, "I'm really not feeling it tonight," but I've heard it first hand from a few different women that they'll turn down sex for a night to feel like it gives them a leg up. I really do think that women who legit don't have comparable sex drives to men are few and far between. And that's not meant in any way to give off a rapey "she's saying no but really wants it" vibe.

It's my last night off before contracting season starts tomorrow, so I'm enjoying my good bottle of whisky and suffering from diarrhea of the fingertips right now. Bear with me.

You know, in the like 12 years I've popped in and out on these forums, I don't think I've ever once not groaned after reading whatever advice a poster says her girlfriends gave her. Friends who happen to be female? Sure. But there's something about the type of women you'd think to call "girlfriends" that I think intrinsically relates to offering bad input. I don't know. It's a theory. I'm workin' on it.

 

In any case, it's normal for some guys. He could have burned one too many times by women who get too emotionally invested immediately after sex, so he's trying to build slowly that point instead. Maybe he in fact gets too emotionally invested afterward, so wants to hold off. Could be a number of perfectly reasonable things leading him to take it a bit slower.

 

However, a big consideration should be in whether you may just be crap at giving signals or expressing receptiveness. Are you making moves that could be translated as a green light? Or, even better, taking some initiative yourself? I don't mean simply starting the makeout session, but straight up unbuttoning his pants.

 

But if you're being receptive and assertive and you're not liking these little sessions ending without a bang, then I'd agree with the others that it's fine to ask to hold off until he knows he's ready.

J.man, no, I am not making any ouvert moves myself, God forbid But when he asks me to go lie on bed with him, I go. And do pretty much everything he asks.

I think that's some form of green light there. But you are right, I am not showing that I am ready. And I am probably not. Rather what I wanted is for him to start asking and driving in that direction, like the other guys, and then after we have had a conversation, I may go for it or not, depending on what he says. He may be dating other people, although I doubt. But I've been dating other guys. Platonically only though. Today was supposed to be a date. And there's another one on Friday..

So my reasoning was if I start having sex with him, I'll pretty much bond, and won't want to date other guys. And I am not sure I want to stop dating others yet.

I know, you'll ask with this plan why did I post here in the first place. What my friends said about potential sexual disfunction and how not normal this is, has rattled me.