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Thread: Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

    I have a beautiful small vase filled with about 20 pink pens sitting on my personal desk next to my computer at my home. I work from home sometimes, so when I am going through paperwork, I pick one and use it to do whatever it is I'm marking up. These are for my use only.

    A few months ago, a girlfriend and I went shopping and she pulls out, lo and behold, the exact same pink pen, to sign a bill. I said, "Hey, I use those too!" and she said, "I know. I took it from you!" I didn't think much of it at the time because I had so many, but I didn't forget it.

    Then last week I was at my boyfriend's house, and on his dresser was -- you got it -- a pink pen. I said, "Hey, that's my pen!" he said yeah, I took it from your desk.

    I know they are just pens but in principle this is stealing from me. My vase is not as full and I have to waste my time buying yet more pens and now I wonder how many more things people have taken from me.

    I also have a ton of fruit, good organic fruit, in a cute basket on my table. Several times I will discover all of the bananas are gone when I knew there were four the day before. My BF took them to work with him and didn't bother asking me or even think to leave me one. He never replenishes either. This has happened with milk, cartons of yogurt, salsa. I go to look for it in the fridge. Gone. Nothing left.

    I also have a huge box of granola bars that I keep in my cabinet handy so I can grab take to work with me. The other night my boyfriend asked if he could take four bars with him over the weekend because he was going on a long hike, and I lost it and said "You were JUST at the supermarket an hour ago, why didn't you get your own bars while you were there? Whatever, man. Take them but you need to know I am not a running a Costco here."

    He put them back and didn't speak to me the rest of the evening.

    Another GF drinks all of my expensive tea. Very very expensive tea from France. She knows how expensive it is, but always reaches for it when she is over here. Instead of drinking the regular Numi tea and thinking maybe she should tone it down a bit, she's drunk more of my expensive tea than I myself have and now I have to hide it.

    I'm seriously starting to feel used and disrespected and now I don't want to share ANYTHING and I am beginning to become an accountant of my own groceries and belongings. It shouldn't be like this, but how do I quit with the negative feelings and be open to sharing without keeping count of things?

  2. #2
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    Hide the things you don't want to share. Problem solved. I do think it sounds like you've gone a bit overboard though -do you have a lot of stress in your life right now?

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    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    I would have done the same thing, in fact I probably would have gone home.
    Last edited by kamurj; 01-15-2017 at 10:20 PM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Hide the things you don't want to share. Problem solved. I do think it sounds like you've gone a bit overboard though -do you have a lot of stress in your life right now?
    What do you mean, overboard?

    THis has been going on for a while and I don't feel reciprocated.

    The GF who hoards my tea knows how rare and expensive it is because I brought her a canister for her own use as a gift when I got back, yet she still has to drink all mine?

    For the most part, I think these people are raised differently than I. I just think they're highly inconsiderate. I would never do half of this crap they do to me and I can't help but think negative thoughts. I don't know how to turn my thinking around because once I've entered that dark place, I start feeling used.

    I don't steal pens even from a restaurant, let a lone a friend, and it would NEVER cross my mind to take every single piece of fruit in a basket on a table.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    I think boyfriend and friends are two separate stories. With friends, I wouldn't say anything. Unless they are frequently and regularly at your place, I see no need to say anything. I feel that when you invite someone to your place and offer them a beverage or food, it's sort of implied that they can choose from every food and beverage you own that is within sight. Besides, does she know how expensive it is? Maybe she just likes that tea?

    Anyway do you really want to be that petty person that says "please feel free to have some tea but please, just not that super expensive stuff, that's for me only." Hiding your tea that you don't want to share is probably your best approach if you want to invite others to your place but don't want them to eat/drink certain things.

    As for boyfriend, I feel like that's an easy conversation of, look I want you to feel at home and feel free to eat or drink anything, but can you please replenish them when you've taken stuff, because it's frustrating when I need to eat/drink, they are never there.

    As for the pen, I don't know. It's just a pen. But I think if it really bothers you, it's simple enough to just say if you like my pink pen, I can buy one for you as a gift, but if you take from my vase, can you please return after use? I like to have a full vase of pen, so I end up having to constantly replenishing it because often people take them and never return.

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    I've had a couple of relationships where the guy felt he could just help himself to my belongings without asking - sometimes meaning that I'd be searching high and low for something I KNEW I had.

    This was just a part of a sense of entitlement and regarding me as a resource to be exploited which affected every level of the relationship. I get that you want to share things - so do I - but when it's consistently one-sided it's just a matter of time before you start to resent it.

    You are feeling used and disrespected because you probably ARE being used and disrespected.

    Stand back and look at the dynamics in the relationships you mention. Are these people respectful of you and generous in other contexts, and actually everything is balanced over all? If so, relax about the bits of fruit/pens/whatever. If not, then seriously ask yourself what you're getting from the relationship....

  8. #7
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Hide the things you don't want to share. Problem solved.
    Agreed. If it all such a huge issue, then lock your stuff up.

    20 pink pens. Now a couple missing. Why on earth would you .."I have to waste my time buying yet more pens"? Who needs 20 pens? It's not like you use them all at once. A few pens is great. Everyone has a few pens. But 20?

    In general, I think don't sweat the small stuff. Mountains. Molehills. Much ado about nothing.
    When you watch the news at night and see what's going on in the world right now, millions of homeless, starving people etc. Now THAT is what you call huge problems. Much bigger things to worry about.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JaggerJim
    I would have done the same thing, in fact I probably would have gone home.
    Interesting. He didn't go home but I wish he did. Not only did I cook dinner for him that evening, I made him breakfast as well, all with my own food.
    Now we're going to cry over four power bars he could have gotten from the market himself when he was just there buying detergent?
    What else do I have to do? Give him a foot rub and pack sammiches for his trip too?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    20 pink pens. Now a couple missing. Why on earth would you .."I have to waste my time buying yet more pens"? Who needs 20 pens? It's not like you use them all at once. A few pens is great. Everyone has a few pens. But 20?
    They look like a bouquet of flowers inside a pretty vase. It's supposed to look like that.
    I do not use them all at once, but neither are people entitled to take whatever they want off my desk.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    Interesting. He didn't go home but I wish he did. Not only did I cook dinner for him that evening, I made him breakfast as well, all with my own food.
    Now we're going to cry over four power bars he could have gotten from the market himself when he was just there buying detergent?
    What else do I have to do? Give him a foot rub and pack sammiches for his trip too?
    Maybe he didn't think about the power bars while at the supermarket, and when he saw yours thought about it then? So maybe he didn't ask, but you save those things up for later and then just let him know later on, you don't say this "You were JUST at the supermarket an hour ago, why didn't you get your own bars while you were there? Whatever, man. Take them but you need to know I am not a running a Costco here." . Bad form.

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