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Thread: Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    I can count on one hand how many times he has taken me out to dinner. Dating for 2.5 months. We see each other three/four times a week.

    I'm editing this to say that he does pay for 70 percent of all of our outings (movies, road trips, blah)

  2. #32
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    I can count on one hand how many times he has taken me out to dinner. Dating for 2.5 months. We see each other three/four times a week.
    How often do you cook for him? Maybe you said? But this could be about imbalance in general.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    How often do you cook for him? Maybe you said? But this could be about imbalance in general.
    Two, three, four times a week. Including breakfast, which can range from a full-blown bacon and cinnamon french toast and lattes or simple fluffy scrambled eggs with herbs de provence. And always tea.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    To your original question, it is not all in your head, but others taking advantage of you could be unintentional.

    I had a friend in college who was generous and nurturing and would do things for others unasked, that was her style. (Some would call it mothering, some would call it smothering….) But when people accepted her generosity she would feel hurt and taken advantage of. Which puzzled me at the time. It seemed to me that she objected to being walked all over yet she threw herself under people's feet. She didn't ask, she didn't communicate, she pouted and dropped people completely who had been "best friends".

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    But let's not make this all about him. I feel this way with some of my GFs too. Moochers. I think it's because when it comes to food, I set the bar really high and only buy the good . They benefit from that because they're too cheap to buy the good stuff, yet reap the benefits of being Naomi's friend, and to me I feel used.

    I thought maybe I'd try to focus on the big picture; that these people offer me friendship / a shoulder to cry on, someone who has my back, and so maybe the reciprocation can be in other ways than in the form of food. But lately I feel taken advantage of..esp with the holidays. The tea girl didn't even buy me an x-mas gift, yet I bought her a dyptique candle. It cost as much as a good meal at a nice restaurant! I feel like a sucker.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    Two, three, four times a week. Including breakfast, which can range from a full-blown bacon and cinnamon french toast and lattes or simple fluffy scrambled eggs with herbs de provence. And always tea.
    Ah. Quite an imbalance. How come? Is it because of the big trip?

  8. #37
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    The thing is, if you are providing food for him when he's there (dinner, breakfast) and not being open about expectations, then his asking about taking the granola bars isn't out of the question, since his expectation is that you are generous with your food.
    i think this is the crux of it, at least for the stealing boyfriend part. if you're virtually assuming the nourishing caretaker role with a guy by feeding him multiple "perfect, organic, fair trade, cost me a kidney and some bone marrow" meals a day, you've set up the dynamics. the fitting partner for a nourishing caretaker is a perpetually hungry gimme gimme gimme id-driven suckling who may, if you enable it, suck you dry. and when you set it up, you've bartered the right to complain. you either dote on him like a self-sacrificing martyred mothered, or you're being taken advantage of. if you play the ever giving nutritive person, then you are not being exploited. he's just going along with it. change what you do. if he becomes malicious when the tap of goodness is closed, that's what's been keeping him around. if he doesn't, he simply interpreted your generosity and the air of domesticity as permission to make himself at home.

    i agree though that just taking something obviously not theirs is plain wrong. also wouldn't make a scene over a pen or tea or granola bars, but i'd hate having to hide stuff in my own home simply to prevent others leaving me with an empty fridge, or just without decorative shyte- as i understand that's what the pens are meant as.

    you need to be clear whether you're generous with it and in what way. for example, the meals just boil down to whether each of you contribute about equally in the relationship (and whether that's what you want). some people enjoy spending on their partners almost sugardaddy style and never complain about it, and most would expect some reciprocity. guessing you're the latter and not saying to keep tabs on everything, but if he never contributes anything you really need to stop providing and articulate your expectations.

    maybe i have a poor visual presentation here, but i'm trying to imagine how and where the pens and tea and stuff are that people just pick them up. is your desk in the living area? could you move it somewhere and keep stuff that's important to you someplace visitors can't just pick it up? the tea, do they just open the cabinets like at home and get their own tea? you could just put your other teas in a serving box on a serving tray so when they pick they pick from that.

    it sounds like people roam your place like it's theirs. if you reserve nothing as private space, that's essentially a no-boundary concept and they'll act accordingly.

  9. #38
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Seems an awful lot of drama for only dating 2.5 months. Sounds exhausting. I can't imagine what this will be like after a year or two (if it even lasts that long). Maybe it's just a bad match and time to cut your losses?

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    To your original question, it is not all in your head, but others taking advantage of you could be unintentional.

    I had a friend in college who was generous and nurturing and would do things for others unasked, that was her style. (Some would call it mothering, some would call it smothering….) But when people accepted her generosity she would feel hurt and taken advantage of. Which puzzled me at the time. It seemed to me that she objected to being walked all over yet she threw herself under people's feet. She didn't ask, she didn't communicate, she pouted and dropped people completely who had been "best friends".
    Kinda sounds like me but now I'm wondering how to fix that and maintain my friendships without getting to that point. I certainly don't want to break up or lose my friends, nor do I want to go around hiding all my stuff. I need a mental exercise…something like re-directing my focus to positive or the big picture instead of making myself the victim.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    I haven't read all the responses but you are nickel and diming your friends and your boyfriend.

    Unless your pens are expensive (think $7 a pen), I don't think it's a big deal. You've probably accidentally taken a pen before.

    When I lend out my nice pens to classmates, I specify I want it back. And I always get them back.

    The granola bars... man, that's like $0.25 per. I think it would be more rude if he was continually emptying out things and not telling you. But sharing salsa and chips and granola bars is so small. Especially given that he pays for more dates.

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