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Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?


Naomi99

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I have a beautiful small vase filled with about 20 pink pens sitting on my personal desk next to my computer at my home. I work from home sometimes, so when I am going through paperwork, I pick one and use it to do whatever it is I'm marking up. These are for my use only.

 

A few months ago, a girlfriend and I went shopping and she pulls out, lo and behold, the exact same pink pen, to sign a bill. I said, "Hey, I use those too!" and she said, "I know. I took it from you!" I didn't think much of it at the time because I had so many, but I didn't forget it.

 

Then last week I was at my boyfriend's house, and on his dresser was -- you got it -- a pink pen. I said, "Hey, that's my pen!" he said yeah, I took it from your desk.

 

I know they are just pens but in principle this is stealing from me. My vase is not as full and I have to waste my time buying yet more pens and now I wonder how many more things people have taken from me.

 

I also have a ton of fruit, good organic fruit, in a cute basket on my table. Several times I will discover all of the bananas are gone when I knew there were four the day before. My BF took them to work with him and didn't bother asking me or even think to leave me one. He never replenishes either. This has happened with milk, cartons of yogurt, salsa. I go to look for it in the fridge. Gone. Nothing left.

 

I also have a huge box of granola bars that I keep in my cabinet handy so I can grab take to work with me. The other night my boyfriend asked if he could take four bars with him over the weekend because he was going on a long hike, and I lost it and said "You were JUST at the supermarket an hour ago, why didn't you get your own bars while you were there? Whatever, man. Take them but you need to know I am not a running a Costco here."

 

He put them back and didn't speak to me the rest of the evening.

 

Another GF drinks all of my expensive tea. Very very expensive tea from France. She knows how expensive it is, but always reaches for it when she is over here. Instead of drinking the regular Numi tea and thinking maybe she should tone it down a bit, she's drunk more of my expensive tea than I myself have and now I have to hide it.

 

I'm seriously starting to feel used and disrespected and now I don't want to share ANYTHING and I am beginning to become an accountant of my own groceries and belongings. It shouldn't be like this, but how do I quit with the negative feelings and be open to sharing without keeping count of things?

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Hide the things you don't want to share. Problem solved. I do think it sounds like you've gone a bit overboard though -do you have a lot of stress in your life right now?

 

What do you mean, overboard?

 

THis has been going on for a while and I don't feel reciprocated.

 

The GF who hoards my tea knows how rare and expensive it is because I brought her a canister for her own use as a gift when I got back, yet she still has to drink all mine?

 

For the most part, I think these people are raised differently than I. I just think they're highly inconsiderate. I would never do half of this crap they do to me and I can't help but think negative thoughts. I don't know how to turn my thinking around because once I've entered that dark place, I start feeling used.

 

I don't steal pens even from a restaurant, let a lone a friend, and it would NEVER cross my mind to take every single piece of fruit in a basket on a table.

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I think boyfriend and friends are two separate stories. With friends, I wouldn't say anything. Unless they are frequently and regularly at your place, I see no need to say anything. I feel that when you invite someone to your place and offer them a beverage or food, it's sort of implied that they can choose from every food and beverage you own that is within sight. Besides, does she know how expensive it is? Maybe she just likes that tea?

 

Anyway do you really want to be that petty person that says "please feel free to have some tea but please, just not that super expensive stuff, that's for me only." Hiding your tea that you don't want to share is probably your best approach if you want to invite others to your place but don't want them to eat/drink certain things.

 

As for boyfriend, I feel like that's an easy conversation of, look I want you to feel at home and feel free to eat or drink anything, but can you please replenish them when you've taken stuff, because it's frustrating when I need to eat/drink, they are never there.

 

As for the pen, I don't know. It's just a pen. But I think if it really bothers you, it's simple enough to just say if you like my pink pen, I can buy one for you as a gift, but if you take from my vase, can you please return after use? I like to have a full vase of pen, so I end up having to constantly replenishing it because often people take them and never return.

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I've had a couple of relationships where the guy felt he could just help himself to my belongings without asking - sometimes meaning that I'd be searching high and low for something I KNEW I had.

 

This was just a part of a sense of entitlement and regarding me as a resource to be exploited which affected every level of the relationship. I get that you want to share things - so do I - but when it's consistently one-sided it's just a matter of time before you start to resent it.

 

You are feeling used and disrespected because you probably ARE being used and disrespected.

 

Stand back and look at the dynamics in the relationships you mention. Are these people respectful of you and generous in other contexts, and actually everything is balanced over all? If so, relax about the bits of fruit/pens/whatever. If not, then seriously ask yourself what you're getting from the relationship....

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Hide the things you don't want to share. Problem solved.

Agreed. If it all such a huge issue, then lock your stuff up.

 

20 pink pens. Now a couple missing. Why on earth would you .."I have to waste my time buying yet more pens"? Who needs 20 pens? It's not like you use them all at once. A few pens is great. Everyone has a few pens. But 20?

 

In general, I think don't sweat the small stuff. Mountains. Molehills. Much ado about nothing.

When you watch the news at night and see what's going on in the world right now, millions of homeless, starving people etc. Now THAT is what you call huge problems. Much bigger things to worry about.

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I would have done the same thing, in fact I probably would have gone home.

 

Interesting. He didn't go home but I wish he did. Not only did I cook dinner for him that evening, I made him breakfast as well, all with my own food.

Now we're going to cry over four power bars he could have gotten from the market himself when he was just there buying detergent?

What else do I have to do? Give him a foot rub and pack sammiches for his trip too?

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20 pink pens. Now a couple missing. Why on earth would you .."I have to waste my time buying yet more pens"? Who needs 20 pens? It's not like you use them all at once. A few pens is great. Everyone has a few pens. But 20?

 

They look like a bouquet of flowers inside a pretty vase. It's supposed to look like that.

I do not use them all at once, but neither are people entitled to take whatever they want off my desk.

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Interesting. He didn't go home but I wish he did. Not only did I cook dinner for him that evening, I made him breakfast as well, all with my own food.

Now we're going to cry over four power bars he could have gotten from the market himself when he was just there buying detergent?

What else do I have to do? Give him a foot rub and pack sammiches for his trip too?

 

Maybe he didn't think about the power bars while at the supermarket, and when he saw yours thought about it then? So maybe he didn't ask, but you save those things up for later and then just let him know later on, you don't say this "You were JUST at the supermarket an hour ago, why didn't you get your own bars while you were there? Whatever, man. Take them but you need to know I am not a running a Costco here." . Bad form.

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Interesting. He didn't go home but I wish he did. Not only did I cook dinner for him that evening, I made him breakfast as well, all with my own food.

Now we're going to cry over four power bars he could have gotten from the market himself when he was just there buying detergent?

What else do I have to do? Give him a foot rub and pack sammiches for his trip too?

 

He sulked. You set a boundary, and instead of accepting it, he sulked. This is the behaviour of a petulant little boy.

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When you watch the news at night and see what's going on in the world right now, millions of homeless, starving people etc. Now THAT is what you call huge problems. Much bigger things to worry about.

I know I know Iknow. I saw the little kids in Aleppo. Man, they really have problems. I sort of feel foolish but this is why I am on here….I want to stop negative thoughts before they do damage to my relationships.

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I mean I can't put all stealing as a blanket great offense. If you've got a whole cup full of pens, I can see someone not thinking it's a big deal. Definitely not defending it, but it's not like they grabbed your last roll of toilet paper.

 

As for the boyfriend granola bar incident, I'd have been very put off in his shoes as well. All it takes is a "I really need some for the next few days." Getting all quippy and passive aggressive really isn't necessary. About as needless as drama gets.

 

Now I do empathize with someone replenishing if they're consuming, particularly if they're killing something off. Roommates used to love me because I'd eat their ****. I'd drink a can of their pop during the day and they'd have two liters of whatever it was waiting for them when they got home.

 

But it sounds like you're talking about some cheaper, menial stuff. Lay some ground rules in a polite but straight forward way. I could never see myself getting particularly upset over $2.00 of something regardless of the inconvenience.

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Stand back and look at the dynamics in the relationships you mention. Are these people respectful of you and generous in other contexts, and actually everything is balanced over all? If so, relax about the bits of fruit/pens/whatever. If not, then seriously ask yourself what you're getting from the relationship....

 

They "think" they reciprocate but not really. I mean, I think my BF has eaten so much of my food, it's insane how many times he's left me with an empty fridge. My food is super freaking expensive too. Organic walnuts are $15 a pound. All of my diary is Clover and my yogurts are 2.50 a container. Gone, gone and gone.

 

And then his idea of "replenishing" is buying me a boxed salad from Trader Joe's.

 

And of course he wants my power bars. They're the best ones with the most protein and least amount of sugar. He buys the cheap ones.

 

Okay, this is irritating me just thinking about it. Help me quit with this bad attitude I have.

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I mean I can't put all stealing as a blanket great offense. If you've got a whole cup full of pens, I can see someone not thinking it's a big deal. Definitely not defending it, but it's not like they grabbed your last roll of toilet paper.

 

As for the boyfriend granola bar incident, I'd have been very put off in his shoes as well. All it takes is a "I really need some for the next few days." Getting all quippy and passive aggressive really isn't necessary. About as needless as drama gets.

 

Now I do empathize with someone replenishing if they're consuming, particularly if they're killing something off. Roommates used to love me because I'd eat their ****. I'd drink a can of their pop during the day and they'd have two liters of whatever it was waiting for them when they got home.

 

But it sounds like you're talking about some cheaper, menial stuff. Lay some ground rules in a polite but straight forward way. I could never see myself getting particularly upset over $2.00 of something regardless of the inconvenience.

 

Yea I agree, I'd be put off by the way you approached it too if I was your bf, not because you denied him granola bars but because it seems so petty and passive aggressive (passive aggressive seems to be a common theme with you from what I read of your past posts). It seems that you have trouble speaking up when needed and taking a more diplomatic approach, rather, save it all up and have an outburst like that.

 

It could've been a simple and respectful conversation instead of antagonising him for wanting a few silly granola bars (remember he's not realising you've saved up these resentment and he thinks you're just being petty over a few granola bars, bad look on you.)

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Why am I the only one here that thinks taking something off someone's desk is stealing? I don't care if it's .10 cent pen or a $150 fountain pen.

I never said you could have it, but you took it off my desk because you "saw" I had a ton and you felt entitled to it.

 

That's wrong. There is nothing right about it. It belongs to me and no one else. Sure you can use it, but conscientiously and knowingly placing it in your purse or your pocket is stealing, esp. since it's a cute pen.

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The pens in the jar made me think of how my bank does that, has them out for people to take and use and keep. However, if I go a store and they have one pen at the counter and have added a fake flower or feather to it, I know it is meant to stay there. If I were you, I'd make one pen appear special like that and put the others out of sight.

 

As for the granola bars, he was clueless BUT he did ask, so probably the best way to handle that would have been to say "No, I need them to grab to take to work with me WHENEVER I want, so I keep them stocked just for that."

 

A tip for secret storage: take them out of their box and put in a cereal box or pasta box.

 

The thing is, if you are providing food for him when he's there (dinner, breakfast) and not being open about expectations, then his asking about taking the granola bars isn't out of the question, since his expectation is that you are generous with your food.

 

He coulda-shoulda-woulda/you coulda-shoulda-woulda. I would not recommend going that route toward building resentment. Just be clear, your relationship is at the point where you have to communicate about expectations and boundaries. If this is the adventurous guy that appealed to you to get you out of your comfort zone, part of the package is that he has different boundaries, style, and expectations than you. Don't expect him to be like you or read your mind.

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Does he reciprocate with meals out?

 

I would have a talk with him about not replenishing your food. it's not cool. The way you handled things was not good. You should have had the convo earlier.

 

Hide the tea and the granola bars if it makes you so upset.

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Why am I the only one here that thinks taking something off someone's desk is stealing? I don't care if it's .10 cent pen or a $150 fountain pen.

I never said you could have it, but you took it off my desk because you "saw" I had a ton and you felt entitled to it.

 

That's wrong. There is nothing right about it. It belongs to me and no one else. Sure you can use it, but conscientiously and knowingly placing it in your purse or your pocket is stealing, esp. since it's a cute pen.

I'm not saying it's not stealing. I don't think anyone here is saying that. There's simply varying degrees of it. Some of us stand more for the sheer "principle" than others do. Ideally, you probably shouldn't have to set boundaries, but it appears you've gotta. If I've got 20 of something, if someone I care about helps themselves to one, I really don't care a whole lot. Now if they took the last pen and I found myself stuck, you'd best be sure I'd be pretty miffed. You've obviously got a different approach, which is fine, but I think out of the norm.
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Yea I agree, I'd be put off by the way you approached it too if I was your bf, not because you denied him granola bars but because it seems so petty and passive aggressive (passive aggressive seems to be a common theme with you from what I read of your past posts). It seems that you have trouble speaking up when needed and taking a more diplomatic approach, rather, save it all up and have an outburst like that.

 

It could've been a simple and respectful conversation instead of antagonising him for wanting a few silly granola bars (remember he's not realising you've saved up these resentment and he thinks you're just being petty over a few granola bars, bad look on you.)

 

Ugh. Now I'm wondering if an apology is warranted. Instead of apologizing, I'd rather just learn how to deal with avoiding these negative thoughts. It seems like I let their behavior slide one too many times hoping it won't happen again, and then it happens again and it pisses me off and I say a short mean rant.

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Why am I the only one here that thinks taking something off someone's desk is stealing? I don't care if it's .10 cent pen or a $150 fountain pen.

I never said you could have it, but you took it off my desk because you "saw" I had a ton and you felt entitled to it.

 

That's wrong. There is nothing right about it. It belongs to me and no one else. Sure you can use it, but conscientiously and knowingly placing it in your purse or your pocket is stealing, esp. since it's a cute pen.

 

I have no idea why people would take pens from another person's house. It has never come up for me. I wouldn't miss pens if they where taken from the desk by the door, they are all cheap pens that I have too many of. My good pens for drawing I keep stored away out of sight on their sides so they don't clog or dry. And so my cats don't play with them and knock them into mystery-land.

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Does he reciprocate with meals out?
Interesting question as well. Not that anyone's entitled to help themselves just because they treat their partners to meals, but it grabbing the odd pen or taking a few granola bars could be the guy's way of seeing things more equitably between the two of you, assuming it does end up he's treating you more often than not.
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Ugh. Now I'm wondering if an apology is warranted. Instead of apologizing, I'd rather just learn how to deal with avoiding these negative thoughts. It seems like I let their behavior slide one too many times hoping it won't happen again, and then it happens again and it pisses me off and I say a short mean rant.

 

No apology necessary, but proper explanation as to your reasoning and agree on a solution with him is needed.

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