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Thread: Being Taken Advantage of, or all in my Mind?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    Interesting. He didn't go home but I wish he did. Not only did I cook dinner for him that evening, I made him breakfast as well, all with my own food.
    Now we're going to cry over four power bars he could have gotten from the market himself when he was just there buying detergent?
    What else do I have to do? Give him a foot rub and pack sammiches for his trip too?
    He sulked. You set a boundary, and instead of accepting it, he sulked. This is the behaviour of a petulant little boy.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    When you watch the news at night and see what's going on in the world right now, millions of homeless, starving people etc. Now THAT is what you call huge problems. Much bigger things to worry about.
    I know I know Iknow. I saw the little kids in Aleppo. Man, they really have problems. I sort of feel foolish but this is why I am on here….I want to stop negative thoughts before they do damage to my relationships.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I mean I can't put all stealing as a blanket great offense. If you've got a whole cup full of pens, I can see someone not thinking it's a big deal. Definitely not defending it, but it's not like they grabbed your last roll of toilet paper.

    As for the boyfriend granola bar incident, I'd have been very put off in his shoes as well. All it takes is a "I really need some for the next few days." Getting all quippy and passive aggressive really isn't necessary. About as needless as drama gets.

    Now I do empathize with someone replenishing if they're consuming, particularly if they're killing something off. Roommates used to love me because I'd eat their ****. I'd drink a can of their pop during the day and they'd have two liters of whatever it was waiting for them when they got home.

    But it sounds like you're talking about some cheaper, menial stuff. Lay some ground rules in a polite but straight forward way. I could never see myself getting particularly upset over $2.00 of something regardless of the inconvenience.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    He sulked. You set a boundary, and instead of accepting it, he sulked. This is the behaviour of a petulant little boy.
    It's the way she said it. That would turn anybody off.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    Stand back and look at the dynamics in the relationships you mention. Are these people respectful of you and generous in other contexts, and actually everything is balanced over all? If so, relax about the bits of fruit/pens/whatever. If not, then seriously ask yourself what you're getting from the relationship....
    They "think" they reciprocate but not really. I mean, I think my BF has eaten so much of my food, it's insane how many times he's left me with an empty fridge. My food is super freaking expensive too. Organic walnuts are $15 a pound. All of my diary is Clover and my yogurts are 2.50 a container. Gone, gone and gone.

    And then his idea of "replenishing" is buying me a boxed salad from Trader Joe's.

    And of course he wants my power bars. They're the best ones with the most protein and least amount of sugar. He buys the cheap ones.

    Okay, this is irritating me just thinking about it. Help me quit with this bad attitude I have.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I mean I can't put all stealing as a blanket great offense. If you've got a whole cup full of pens, I can see someone not thinking it's a big deal. Definitely not defending it, but it's not like they grabbed your last roll of toilet paper.

    As for the boyfriend granola bar incident, I'd have been very put off in his shoes as well. All it takes is a "I really need some for the next few days." Getting all quippy and passive aggressive really isn't necessary. About as needless as drama gets.

    Now I do empathize with someone replenishing if they're consuming, particularly if they're killing something off. Roommates used to love me because I'd eat their ****. I'd drink a can of their pop during the day and they'd have two liters of whatever it was waiting for them when they got home.

    But it sounds like you're talking about some cheaper, menial stuff. Lay some ground rules in a polite but straight forward way. I could never see myself getting particularly upset over $2.00 of something regardless of the inconvenience.
    Yea I agree, I'd be put off by the way you approached it too if I was your bf, not because you denied him granola bars but because it seems so petty and passive aggressive (passive aggressive seems to be a common theme with you from what I read of your past posts). It seems that you have trouble speaking up when needed and taking a more diplomatic approach, rather, save it all up and have an outburst like that.

    It could've been a simple and respectful conversation instead of antagonising him for wanting a few silly granola bars (remember he's not realising you've saved up these resentment and he thinks you're just being petty over a few granola bars, bad look on you.)

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Naomi99's Avatar
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    Why am I the only one here that thinks taking something off someone's desk is stealing? I don't care if it's .10 cent pen or a $150 fountain pen.
    I never said you could have it, but you took it off my desk because you "saw" I had a ton and you felt entitled to it.

    That's wrong. There is nothing right about it. It belongs to me and no one else. Sure you can use it, but conscientiously and knowingly placing it in your purse or your pocket is stealing, esp. since it's a cute pen.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    The pens in the jar made me think of how my bank does that, has them out for people to take and use and keep. However, if I go a store and they have one pen at the counter and have added a fake flower or feather to it, I know it is meant to stay there. If I were you, I'd make one pen appear special like that and put the others out of sight.

    As for the granola bars, he was clueless BUT he did ask, so probably the best way to handle that would have been to say "No, I need them to grab to take to work with me WHENEVER I want, so I keep them stocked just for that."

    A tip for secret storage: take them out of their box and put in a cereal box or pasta box.

    The thing is, if you are providing food for him when he's there (dinner, breakfast) and not being open about expectations, then his asking about taking the granola bars isn't out of the question, since his expectation is that you are generous with your food.

    He coulda-shoulda-woulda/you coulda-shoulda-woulda. I would not recommend going that route toward building resentment. Just be clear, your relationship is at the point where you have to communicate about expectations and boundaries. If this is the adventurous guy that appealed to you to get you out of your comfort zone, part of the package is that he has different boundaries, style, and expectations than you. Don't expect him to be like you or read your mind.

  10. #19
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    Does he reciprocate with meals out?

    I would have a talk with him about not replenishing your food. it's not cool. The way you handled things was not good. You should have had the convo earlier.

    Hide the tea and the granola bars if it makes you so upset.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Naomi99
    Why am I the only one here that thinks taking something off someone's desk is stealing? I don't care if it's .10 cent pen or a $150 fountain pen.
    I never said you could have it, but you took it off my desk because you "saw" I had a ton and you felt entitled to it.

    That's wrong. There is nothing right about it. It belongs to me and no one else. Sure you can use it, but conscientiously and knowingly placing it in your purse or your pocket is stealing, esp. since it's a cute pen.
    I'm not saying it's not stealing. I don't think anyone here is saying that. There's simply varying degrees of it. Some of us stand more for the sheer "principle" than others do. Ideally, you probably shouldn't have to set boundaries, but it appears you've gotta. If I've got 20 of something, if someone I care about helps themselves to one, I really don't care a whole lot. Now if they took the last pen and I found myself stuck, you'd best be sure I'd be pretty miffed. You've obviously got a different approach, which is fine, but I think out of the norm.

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