I don't know what I want in life.

I have been with my husband for 10yrs. We've been married for 5. We have three children together. I got pregnant at age 15, after we had only been dating for a couple months. He was 18 at the time. We moved in together my Junior year of high school. Ever since then, I have been in charge of everything in our daily lives. He got a job at a fast food restaurant when our first child was still an infant and he's worked that same job for almost 9yrs now. It pays the bills for the most part, but I still have to work full time to compensate. Besides working, my husband contributes absolutely nothing else. He doesn't even have his drivers license! He won't even get a better job so that I can focus on going back to college. For ten years now, I have been the one taking care of the children and the house, making appointments, making the budget and keeping the bills paid, I make all decisions for our household (not by choice, he refuses to give me input), I am in charge of fixing things in the household and pretty much everything else in our everyday life. I even had to drive myself to the hospital when I was in labor with our last child. And he never even proposed to me! The last three years have been really hard on me. I lost my drivers license because of an accident I was in, I lost both of my parents, I had a misscarriage and I'm currently filing bankruptcy. He has not supported me through any of it. He didn't even go to my D&C with me. He stayed at home and slept. Ive been really depressed recently. I tell him over and over that I need him to take on more responsibility because I am crumbling under the weight of my responsibility. He always says he's going to change but never does. Hes always going to his friends house and ignoring me to stay up late and play video games.....

Well, on new years I met a guy and ended up sleeping with him. We've been talking to each other since then. I've told my husband about it and he got really upset at first, but now is acting like nothing happened. I told him I want to separate and he's acting like I never said anything. I think it would be a good idea to separate so that he can learn to take care of himself and so that I can take care of myself and make myself happy. I don't want to leave him to be with this other guy, but I'd like to keep seeing him because he takes care of me like my husband never has. I can't afford to move out right away and he refuses to leave, so I'm living with my husband still. We are acting like nothing has changed. We are even still sleeping together. I know that it's wrong to act like this to him if I intend on leaving him....but I do still love him (im not sure if I am still IN love with him or not?) and I don't want to hurt him or make things weird until I can move out. I just don't know what to do. I know that I'll go crazy if I stay with him because I know he'll never change, but I know he loves me and I love him. It's so confusing. I need outside opinions.

Sounds like you have four kids. Why are you having more kids if you don't have the income or a supportive partner?

I think you should forget about the other guy and focus on getting out of this nothing marriage. You should not be going from guy to guy, and cheating is just plain WRONG!

Your husband does not care about you or the kids (if he did he would take on family responsibilities, get a better job, license etc...) and is incredibly immature. Focus on ending this, and moving forward with your children! Move in with family.

It's difficult because you have been with someone for so long, feel safe with them, feel comfortable with them... but it seems to be all one-sided.

Really it sounds like he hasn't grown up. Working at a fast food restaurant STILL, hanging out with friends playing games, not helping with bills, housework, getting a driving license or caring for you during emotional times... it sounds like he just buries his head in the sand and hopes you'll deal with everything. You sound more like a mother than a wife (to be blunt).

I guess the question is, are you content with survival... or would you prefer progression?

I'm all for security and keeping families together but the real question is, if you were in this situation 10 years from now, 20... until you die... would you look back and smile or cry?

Cheating happens for two reasons generally... a lack of something in the relationship, or a lack of caring. You are definitely the former.

I have a friend like you... I won't say too much as this is online but lets just say she made a promise to someone to stay with him for appearances sake. The promise was for five years and she was happy for the first two (good friends). She stuck with it for the third year and now has that obligation feeling that she's made it this far and she doesn't want to break her promise/upset him by bailing now. But even two years is a LONG time... so much can happen and you only live once.

If it were me, I'd start saving. Look into your options, ask friends/family (quietly) for support. You can handle it for now but if in say a year this relationship develops, things get unbearable, or he still hasn't changed, you have a survival package if you decide to leave. If he DOES sort himself out,then you have money for a nice holiday or something! - it can't hurt.

Unfortunately you started out a teen parents and he had to step to the plate, forgo college, etc. If you are married how can you file individual bankruptcy? Since you can't afford to move out and you are still having sex, why not try marriage counselling to help communicate better about household chores, expectations, etc.

We have three children together. I got pregnant at age 15, after we had only been dating for a couple months. He was 18 at the time. and I'm currently filing bankruptcy.

To all the teen and young 20-somethings reading this - this is why you practice safe sex and make sure you use birth control properly. This is why you dont start having sex at 15 and getting pregnant shortly after. This is why you dont get yourself in the mess this young lady finds herself in, with this over grown man child who is so incredibly immature and so not into being a good husband and father.

To the OP do you have family you can move in with until you get sorted out? Where are your parents in all of this?

I agree with melancholy. This is what happens when you do only what feels good short term and have no thought for what's good long term.

You've made really bad decisions in almost every aspect of your life. It's time to grow up and be responsible. I doubt you even need to declare bankruptcy you're probably just taking the easy way out yet again.

Get away from this guy and get your life together. You're only 25 still plenty of time to turn this around. Sorry if I'm harsh but you need a serious wake up call.

I'm filing bankruptcy because I'm $18,000 in debt from the before mentioned car accident. I can't get my drivers license back until my debt is paid off. My lawyer told me that is pretty much my only option.

You don't know me aside from the scant amount of information I've provided, so I'm curious to know how you've come to the conclusion that I've made bad decisions in "every aspect of my life". I made a bad decision when I was a teenager, but I take care of my children with little to no help from anyone and I have gone above and beyond to try to make my marriage with the father of my children work. I have come to my breaking point and am looking for CONSTRUCTIVE feedback in this confusing time in my life. Thank you.

As I said in the previous post, I recently lost both of my parents. I am not close to any of my extended family.

You need someone who can help you, if there's no family, surely you have some friends who can assist you somehow. You need to get away from that slug you married. Or get him to move out, maybe that would be easier, let him freeload with his homies.

I have been with my husband for 10yrs. We've been married for 5. We have three children together. I got pregnant at age 15, after we had only been dating for a couple months. He was 18 at the time. We moved in together my Junior year of high school. Ever since then, I have been in charge of everything in our daily lives. He got a job at a fast food restaurant when our first child was still an infant and he's worked that same job for almost 9yrs now. It pays the bills for the most part, but I still have to work full time to compensate. Besides working, my husband contributes absolutely nothing else. He doesn't even have his drivers license! He won't even get a better job so that I can focus on going back to college. For ten years now, I have been the one taking care of the children and the house, making appointments, making the budget and keeping the bills paid, I make all decisions for our household (not by choice, he refuses to give me input), I am in charge of fixing things in the household and pretty much everything else in our everyday life. I even had to drive myself to the hospital when I was in labor with our last child. And he never even proposed to me! The last three years have been really hard on me. I lost my drivers license because of an accident I was in, I lost both of my parents, I had a misscarriage and I'm currently filing bankruptcy. He has not supported me through any of it. He didn't even go to my D&C with me. He stayed at home and slept. Ive been really depressed recently. I tell him over and over that I need him to take on more responsibility because I am crumbling under the weight of my responsibility. He always says he's going to change but never does. Hes always going to his friends house and ignoring me to stay up late and play video games.....

Well, on new years I met a guy and ended up sleeping with him. We've been talking to each other since then. I've told my husband about it and he got really upset at first, but now is acting like nothing happened. I told him I want to separate and he's acting like I never said anything. I think it would be a good idea to separate so that he can learn to take care of himself and so that I can take care of myself and make myself happy. I don't want to leave him to be with this other guy, but I'd like to keep seeing him because he takes care of me like my husband never has. I can't afford to move out right away and he refuses to leave, so I'm living with my husband still. We are acting like nothing has changed. We are even still sleeping together. I know that it's wrong to act like this to him if I intend on leaving him....but I do still love him (im not sure if I am still IN love with him or not?) and I don't want to hurt him or make things weird until I can move out. I just don't know what to do. I know that I'll go crazy if I stay with him because I know he'll never change, but I know he loves me and I love him. It's so confusing. I need outside opinions.

I could have wrote this, your husband sounds like my fiancee. We fell pregnant after a year of being together, moved in together after the fact and since then things have spiralled.

I always rationalized his selfish behaviour, he wasn't emotional, i can do all these things on my own as long as he is the breadwinner in the family etc.

I paid all the bills, they were all in my name, i made the appointments, i worked full time and every single job he had he lost after a couple of months because of some major uproar. He lied about going out, about how much money he was spending and when I was trying to save up during my pregnancy he would throw tantrums if he didn't get something he wanted with the said saved money. Just when I was starting to gain back some independence and showing my concerns about this behaviour, i fell pregnant while on birth control. I was devastated and terrified, i made the appointment to go for an abortion and I backed out last minute and vowed to make things right.

He played games, had me believing that this was all very normal. It has taken me until now to realize this is all very wrong!!! I'm no longer standing for this terrible childish behaviour. Although I'm heartbroken.. i am very much in love with this man and believed his promises of a good life.. i have to do what's right.

Obviously in my relationship there is an aspect of emotional and physical abuse. Im trying to be very careful to tread lightly so as to not cause such an uproar that I might be hurt or my children scared in the process. Hes leaving to work away in 2 weeks.. as soon as he leaves im packing us up and disappearing.

My partner is the same way you describe, he ignores me if I try to talk, says there is no issues. If i had have cheated, no doubt in my mind he would punish me in whatever way he saw fit, then ignore it as well. Just to get me to stay. Its all about control...

I was advised to call United way and explain my situation. From as far as I understand, they can help you in all types of different ways. Housing, food, counselling, education and employment.

Although I'm nervous and im extremely hurt by this all... I realize it is the change im most afraid of. I'm already doing everything alone anyway, just from now on I won't have an extra child I have to pick up after. Good luck

To all the teen and young 20-somethings reading this - this is why you practice safe sex and make sure you use birth control properly. This is why you dont start having sex at 15 and getting pregnant shortly after. This is why you dont get yourself in the mess this young lady finds herself in, with this over grown man child who is so incredibly immature and so not into being a good husband and father.

 

To the OP do you have family you can move in with until you get sorted out? Where are your parents in all of this?

I have to agree. I was 15 when I got pregnant and 20 when married and now I'm 27 with 3 kids and my 15 year old sister (dad died, mom is bipolar). We used to get along really well and have a good relationship but he had anyways been jealous and a bit selfish and sometimes narcissistic. Now being married 7 years I am miserable. I am always hoping things will get better but they don't. We have grown apart so much since being kids. I am a completely different person now then I was then. And I was 20 when I got married. Stupid mistake. I'm putting money aside as well until I can figure out if we can fix this or until I leave or better he leaves. Yah it sounds amazing when your young and you feel your so in love but be very very careful. If there's red flags... DO NOT ignore them. I'd leave his as soon as possible. Best of luck to you

Hey Lyoness, sorry to hear about your situation, you have really a lot of problems to deal with. I guess that your husband is as unhappy as you are, but he shows it by giving you the cold shoulder. From what I can gather, the only thing that is holding you back is your financial situation. This means that at least you know what you want, but don't have the means to move on. The only option for now, that I see is to save up and move out, once you can afford it.