Should I stay or should I go

Hello,

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years and I don't know whether I should leave him. Early on in our relationship, we survived 2 years of long-distance where we were only able to see each other once every few months, and we moved in together about 6 months ago. We are different nationalities, and we now live in the US, close to his family - all of my family is in Germany.

Positives

- He always apologizes for the things that he does, and is really willing to work on them. So in theory all of the negatives below could be changed.

- I have a lot of friends who's partners have done some crazy - my boyfriend isn't perfect, but what if he's better than most of the other people out there? Maybe I am just being oversensitive?

- I get on really well with his parents, who have been kinder and more supportive towards me than even my own parents

- When we're alone together he has a much quieter, cuter, kookier personality that I like, especially early on in our relationship he really made me feel like he respected me.

- I like being part of a couple, I like always having someone to come home to and hang out with, and I like that we're each others' number 1 priority. I already struggle with shyness and making friends and I'm worried that if I leave i'll be lonely.

Negatives

- Neediness: I went to meet some friends for dinner by myself when we visited my family over Christmas, this was a big deal and the phrases 'I'll miss you' and 'you're abandoning me' came up several times. Because of this neediness I'm finding it hard to develop my own friendship group/independence

- Making condescending comments about me in front of others

- Unwanted pressure to have sex/drink alcohol - obsession with getting me to drink (i'm not a big drinker) groping me when I'm trying to change clothes, asking me to wear sexier clothes

- Appears threatened by my successes/has difficulty accepting what I say without fact checking it on google/assumes that his career should take priority over mine - this is a really big thing that frustrates me

- There's always another girl in the background - while I was away on business over the summer a mutual friend called him out for inappropriate behavior with a girl at a party, the friend then told me, my boyfriend failed to mention it. Because we both work in STEM, often there will only be one or two women present if we meet a new group of people - his focus on these women (during the event, adding them on facebook, getting their numbers, meeting them for coffee) is always much greater than on the men that we meet. He paints me as being jealous, but frankly I think he would be much more upset if I behaved the same way with men.

- I miss my family and friends and I want to go back home to Europe. His job wouldn't enable him to do this for another 2-3 years

What do you think I should do?

This alone is enough to end it without all the other problems you mentioned. Have some heart to heart conversations with your family, friends, former colleagues, etc. back home.

This is a decision about you and your overall happiness. Perhaps now that you are there, you are seeing things about him you missed before?

- I miss my family and friends and I want to go back home to Europe.

Wow! Get the hell out!

This guy sounds like a a manipulative, emotionally abusive bully. You know this! Nothing in the pro section overrides the problems. This guy has some SERIOUS issues.

Go back to Europe and remove this guy from your life. I would also do some self examination, as to why you chose someone like this.

I think you should stay, because as you noted, " He always apologizes for the things that he does, and is really willing to work on them. So in theory all of the negatives below could be changed". I think there is real potential here, and it is important for you to understand that a lot of guys never try and fix anything until it's way too late in the relationship! So, I think this is a huge plus on his side.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend doesn't understand how important it is for both of you to make friends and spend some time away from each other. I think you should talk to him about that, it would be healthier for both of you and could really help the relationship. You also need to talk to him about how frustrated you're feeling about how he thinks his career is more important than yours- talk to him about this. If you feel he isn't willing to help support you emotionally then perhaps you should reconsider the relationship.

I think him asking for you to wear "sexier" clothing is perfectly normal, it would be nice for him I am sure. However, I am concerned about his behavior with other women. Was that a one time incident or not?

Missing your friends, and family in Europe is a huge deal for you. Perhaps that is going to be your deal breaker. If it is, I would definitely sit him down and let him know.

I think you should stay, because as you noted, " He always apologizes for the things that he does, and is really willing to work on them. So in theory all of the negatives below could be changed". I think there is real potential here, and it is important for you to understand that a lot of guys never try and fix anything until it's way too late in the relationship! So, I think this is a huge plus on his side.

 

It sounds to me like your boyfriend doesn't understand how important it is for both of you to make friends and spend some time away from each other. I think you should talk to him about that, it would be healthier for both of you and could really help the relationship. You also need to talk to him about how frustrated you're feeling about how he thinks his career is more important than yours- talk to him about this. If you feel he isn't willing to help support you emotionally then perhaps you should reconsider the relationship.

 

I think him asking for you to wear "sexier" clothing is perfectly normal, it would be nice for him I am sure. However, I am concerned about his behavior with other women. Was that a one time incident or not?

 

Missing your friends, and family in Europe is a huge deal for you. Perhaps that is going to be your deal breaker. If it is, I would definitely sit him down and let him know.

If he keeps resorting to the same behavior, then what difference does it make? Anyone can apologize. Apologies mean nothing without action.

"If he keeps resorting to the same behavior, then what difference does it make? Anyone can apologize. Apologies mean nothing without action."

As the Op noted, he isn't just apologizing, he is "REALLY WILLING TO WORK ON THEM". It's a bit presumptuous to say he is just apologizing without doing anything to correct the behavior.

"If he keeps resorting to the same behavior, then what difference does it make? Anyone can apologize. Apologies mean nothing without action."

 

As the Op noted, he isn't just apologizing, he is "REALLY WILLING TO WORK ON THEM". It's a bit presumptuous to say he is just apologizing without doing anything to correct the behavior.

Willing and doing are two different things.

He isolates her from friends

Humiliates her in front of others

Pressures her to do things that she does not want to do

Jealous and not respectful of her success

Inappropriate behavior with other women

Any one of these is a deal breaker, and speaks to an emotionally abusive character. Don't see what you are missing!

This may help you decide. In the meantime call family back home and make plans to move back asap.

Negatives

- Neediness: I went to meet some friends for dinner by myself when we visited my family over Christmas, this was a big deal and the phrases 'I'll miss you' and 'you're abandoning me' came up several times. Because of this neediness I'm finding it hard to develop my own friendship group/independence

- Making condescending comments about me in front of others

- Unwanted pressure to have sex/drink alcohol - obsession with getting me to drink (i'm not a big drinker) groping me when I'm trying to change clothes, asking me to wear sexier clothes

- Appears threatened by my successes/has difficulty accepting what I say without fact checking it on google/assumes that his career should take priority over mine - this is a really big thing that frustrates me

End it. (Note: I read your post very carefully.)

Wow! Get the hell out!

 

This guy sounds like a a manipulative, emotionally abusive bully. You know this! Nothing in the pro section overrides the problems. This guy has some SERIOUS issues.

 

Go back to Europe and remove this guy from your life. I would also do some self examination, as to why you chose someone like this.

I agree with Hollyj 100%.

If the problematic issues are still there after five years, nothing's likely to change - no matter how "willing" he says he is to work on them. Staying in a relationship which isn't right for you, whilst waiting and hoping the other person will change, NEVER works. You can't change another person and he obviously isn't prepared to change himself.

While you are with him it will be very difficult to build up your support network or have any degree of independence - thereby making you more and more dependent on him - and you can really lose yourself in the process. By now, you are aware that the relationship is not really working - so moving back to your country of origin would be the way to go.

None of your positives sound compelling enough to stay, while each of your negatives would be dealbreakers for me.

Yeah, once you get to the list of negatives, it's like a grenade is tossed into the room. It's a nasty list. I wonder if he would recognize himself if you showed him it? It seems like he has issues, and what is going on doesn't sound like a healthy, supportive relationship.