Beyond confused- is No Contact the way to go?

Hi all,

I've posted here once before, detailing my situation, but to make a long story somewhat short- my boyfriend of 2.5 years and I have been apart now for a little over 3 weeks. I can now admit whole-heartedly that I do not handle conflicts/disagreements well at all- we had been dealing with a lot of stress after relocating to move his ill father in with us. That situation was extremely stressful, and I let it get to me. I'm not at all proud of the way I behaved- we have had some pretty terrible arguments over the past few months. 3 weeks ago, I caused a fight between us to get COMPLETELY out of hand, I lost my temper, told him I was done, packed up my things and went to stay with my parents in a nearby city. We spoke on the phone that night- I apologized profusely but he was very hurt that I left him. Over the next few days, he was back and forth between ending things for good, and wanting to work it out. I have begged, pleaded, reasoned, apologized, started going to counseling to deal with my communication skills, apologized to his father- everything I can think of to make things right. He continues to tell me that he is confused and cannot decide what to do. He also reaches out to me almost every day without fail. Either telling me he's missing me, sending old pictures of us, telling me he's very angry at me, etc. It's all over the place. He has blocked me on all social media, but still continues to contact me daily and gets VERY upset when I mention the fact that I cannot live in limbo forever, and need to cut contact if he wants to be alone and figure things out. HOWEVER, when I mention working on our relationship and fixing our problems together- he gets upset and tells me I'm pressuring him and only concerned about what I want and my timeline.

He sent me a text last night that said, "I don't understand how you get to move on so easily, while I sit here in tears every few minutes. I have a permanent headache". Of course, that pulled right at my heart and I replied, "This is killing me, as well. Please know that. I don't want to move on- but we are at a standstill. You can't decide what you want, and therefore I'm trying to let go and stop pressuring you. It's scary to hope for a reconciliation that may never happen. What else can I do? I'm right there with you when it comes to constant tears". He never replied and now I'm kicking myself for sending anything at all.

My question is- is no contact appropriate for this situation, if I want to fix things? I understand that he may be conflicted over all the fighting- but at what point am I becoming a doormat and allowing his indecision to take over my life? If a man really wants to be with you, does it take a month for him to figure that out? Especially after building a life with someone for 2.5 years. I love this man with all my heart, and feel that we can fix things, if we are both willing to try. We are in our early-to-mid thirties, so I feel like the time to play games and mess with each other's heads should be over by now.

Any advice would be appreciated, as I am completely lost.

Hey there. Boy, did your post strike a chord with me...I'm in a really similar situation, only we're four months apart and we just had a similar back-and-forth (same thing - he never responded to my last one). From the outside, looking at your situation, I'd say - continue with no contact, and give it time. The greatest thing about time and space is that it truly does give you insight into what you want for yourself - on both sides - and if that person is really valuable to you, you will come find them if and when it's time. It's not his time yet. He's just as confused as he was a month ago, and you need to leave him completely alone. Yes, I agree it's unfair for him to text you like that - mine did something very similar, which is how I ended up in this predicament - and all I gained from it was the knowledge that he is still, in fact, nowhere near ready to make a decision.

I could sit here and tell you "you're better than this, move on, girl! Find someone who cares!" but I know how you feel, and I know that the heart wants what it wants. I will say that time heals those bad memories, so don't worry too much about this little text session - he probably had a weak moment of emotion and texted you without thinking. I'm pretty sure that's why my ex sent me the text that he did - just a weak moment, which he realized soon after, and cut the conversation short.

Your guy NEEDS to find himself, to figure out what he wants, to go through the very justified pain of you leaving him because he wouldn't make a decision. You left him for a valid reason. Don't second-guess that, because from where I sit I see it very clearly: you cannot stay with someone who consistently refuses to choose you. I left my ex for the same reason. We have to back ourselves up on this.

As painful as my texting was with my guy last night and today, it further convinced me that while he's still on his journey, it's best we don't speak anymore unless or until he comes banging down my door one day screaming, 'It's you I want! I was stupid!" What are the chances of that actually happening? Slim, but not impossible - but I'll be damned if I don't go back to no contact and keep moving forward with my own life. I can tell you that until we had this communication, we were no contact, and I actually started to feel better and remember the good times, not just the bad. He was clearly doing that as well and began missing me. No contact is a good thing; it's breaking it too soon that isn't good.

I think you've got to be strong and keep NC going until or unless he's worked on himself and is ready to show up for you. Next time he contacts you, you can say very gently, "I care about you and miss you tons, but I seriously can't see you or talk to you until you've made a decision. It just makes things so hard. Right now, I need space to heal so please don't text me again until you know what you want." Tough, but better that way, trust me. My ex sent me tons of drunk NYE texts, which caused so much confusion and started this whole thing - only for me to discover he still hasn't figured out his own stuff enough to show up to a relationship (or at least, to the one we had).

Be brave, Lola. You can do this. There are so many of us on this forum to support you through NC. I know that's why I'm here, and honestly, if you hear the very few success stories that do exist - we have to completely abandon these people we love to No Contact, in order to have any chance at a new relationship with them down the road. Meanwhile, time to focus and work on YOU. You'll be a much better, stronger version of yourself the next time he texts and you'll know just what to say. Good luck!

P.S. One more thing: it sounds like he still does care about you a ton (from his text, however confusing it was). He's just resenting that you're *requiring* him to meet you halfway in the relationship and pull his share. Well, it's time for him to put on his big-boy pants and grow up on that front. Relationships do take work. Losing them does suck. If you want something, sometimes you have to work for it. Sounds like he needs this time alone to learn those valuable lessons for himself, or he will not be good in any relationship. You're doing a huge favor by giving him space - even serious, NC space - to go and work on himself. It's really the only way. Staying stuck with him was not an option. You did both of you a favor by refusing to stay stuck, and eventually he will see this. Just give it tons of time and see what happens. You'll know if you ever need to truly shut the door and move on. For now, just take it day by day.

I feel like I am not in the best place to give advice or my suggestions but I genuinely know how you're feeling.

Can I first say men can be just as confused and lost as we are when relationships end or experiencing ups and downs

I have a 21 year old son who had a few breakups and the pain, hurt and confusion he felt was awful. He is more open about his feelings than many men I know and his fear of being rejected, making a fool of himself and loving someone who doesn't feel the same was real, not a mind game he was playing.

I get the whole concept of "no contact"

and why it can be so effective, but I know when someone is reaching out to you in a vulnerable state exceptions sometimes need to be made, within reason of course.

Think of how bad we feel when we pour our heart to someone we love and they can't be bothered even acknowledging us

Try not to be upset with yourself for replying to someone you love who was in pain. Most of the messages on this site are from people who are experiencing some sort of pain and we respond with kindness and compassion, to total strangers...

If you think there is any hope of fixing this relationship (not each other) I say try. But be prepared that it may not work and you will be in this same place 6 months or a year from now.

Can I just point our if there is any physical abuse or cheating then there should be nothing to talk about and no contact is the only option (no matter how sad and sorry he claims to be!!)

What I've learned to be true is sometimes woman think something in the relationship is "broken" and needs to be fixed...but he has no clue what she is talking about...he thinks its working just fine....😉

Sorry to hear this but it's two against one and his dad may not advise him against it and definitely may not want you living there after all the conflict.

Blood is thicker than water, he is living with his dad and that created stress for you. Stay with your parents and stop communicating so you can reflect on what you want and decide what you want to do.

You can't fix this. How he's not going to throw his dad out and you have different life goals and timelines..

is no contact appropriate for this situation, if I want to fix things? I understand that he may be conflicted over all the fighting

Thank you all for your advice- it really helps to hear outside perspectives.

Wiseman, as far as his father is concerned- they have a horrible, strained relationship. His father takes advantage of his children's generosity, and my ex is fully aware of that. The problem is that there is no other family around to help with his care, and him living alone is just not an option at the moment. His plan is to find a separate living situation for his dad, now that he realizes that living with him will not work. I have expressed my apologizes and regret for the way I behaved, and told him I would be willing to help out with his father and have him stay with us until we could figure something else out, if I were to ever return home. His father has sent me several texts expressing that he understands that him living with us was a huge burden, and that he hopes things will work out with his son and I.

It's so hard to find a balance between protecting my heart from being strung along by indecision, and understanding that I had a huge part in this break up. I want to be patient with him, while maintaining my self-respect and not living in false hope. I am also a bit paranoid, after reading all the posts on here about becoming an emotional crutch and helping him get over the breakup. For now, I think I will go with no contact, and if he continues to reach out- simply tell him that while I would love to work things out, I have to move forward with my own life, since he cannot make a clear decision. Hopefully with time and distance, we can both see things a bit more clearly.

You've got a good head on your shoulders, Lola. Remember, the good ones don't stay away. Sounds like you guys have some real potential. Have a little faith in the Universe, and stick to yourself for a while. He may just come around.

ColorMeBlue thank you so much I hope your situation turns out for the best, as well!

It may be best to stay with your parents until such time, don't pressure or coerce or grovel to go back to that. It's not fixed and moving in and out and breaking up/making up is grueling.

His plan is to find a separate living situation for his dad

ColorMeBlue thank you so much I hope your situation turns out for the best, as well!

Cheers! He did reply today, and we chatted a bit. He's selling his house (the one he built for his ex-wife - source of many of our arguments, because he just refused to let it go, and I didn't want to live there), so that's great news in terms of moving forward. Still not ready to see me yet, but I don't want to see him until he's ready to have a real discussion about things. So I'm also back to no contact and I figure he'll look me up in a few months - if I'm still available! Putting it in the hands of fate and the Universe and all that.

Good luck to you as well! May we both find our happiness...in whatever form it takes!

I agree with Wiseman, it would be probably be best to stay moved out anyway. (at least for the time that his father is there) The moving out and back in is too chaotic at a time when as little chaos as possible is pertinent.

Your boyfriend is understandably very hurt by your behaviour. You apparently acted on an impulse and that does not bode well for a long-term relationship. I know you realize this now, but it may be too little too late If he wants to try again, he will let you know. Go No Contact in the meantime.