Am I being hormonal or do I have a right to feel this way?

Hi,

 

I'm currently 4 1/2 months pregnant with my first child. I'm very excited to be a mother and I've been doing pretty well as far as symptoms go. I'm not a hormonal wreck, I don't have nausea, I feel pretty good. The only thing that really bothers me is that I am getting a tummy on me.... I realize this is normal and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening, but it effects my self esteem. I try to focus on thinking "There's a baby in there!" but when I look in the mirror I just think "Fatty fatty fat fat."

I used to be bigger years ago, and I lost over 60 pounds to obtain the figure I was happy with. Now these new changes to my body are bringing up old self esteem issues I struggled with, and I'm not sure how to deal with that.

 

My husband and I had a pretty good sex life, we usually would connect in that way at least a few times a week. I had my "personal" time, as did he, and we were both okay with that. He knows I watch porn, I know he does too, but its always been when the other one isn't around and you feel the need.

 

When I first fell pregnant, I went through about a month of just feeling awful, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sip ice water and try not to be sick. We were obviously not intimate at all during that time, and that was fine because nobody that sick wants to be made love to, and nobody wants to have sex with someone that sick either.

 

I had a lot of fears about miscarrying in the beginning, and I did a lot of reading about it. There was plenty of advice steering me away from intercourse for the first 13 or so weeks, just to be safe. I was so scared I would lose the baby, I didn't want to have sex and he understood my fears, he didn't want to loose the baby either. I don't think either one of us could live with ourselves if we lost our baby because of sex....

 

After the time passed, and we had all the confirmation from the doctors that the baby is healthy, I'm healthy, the chances of miscarriage are pretty much null. Since then, we've had sex maybe 3 times. The last time we had sex he told me that he felt weird about it, he didn't like the idea of "finishing" inside of me because despite knowing better, he feels like he'd be cumming on the baby's face. I told him that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and of course nature wouldn't set things up that way, but sometimes some fears aren't rational.

 

Since then I've been feeling even worse about myself, he doesn't try to initiate like he used to and prefers to just masturbate before bed to fall asleep. I have never had a problem with him doing this, especially since I've been pregnant. I think masturbation is healthy and normal and I have never once felt "weird" about it, especially because I do it too.... I just generally only do it when I'm alone, is all. Aside from this stomach of mine, I feel pretty normal, I want so desperately to feel pretty and desirable again but its a struggle for me.

 

Last night we went to bed, he cuddled me for a few minutes, and then rolled over to go to sleep. I was trying to fall asleep and I noticed he was masturbating, which is fine. After a few minutes, I sat up to get out of bed to go blow my nose, and I noticed he had his phone out and he was watching porn.... Right there, next to me, he's having a great ol' time watching these slim, much better looking women, and they're the ones stimulating him. I went to the bathroom and stayed there, for about an hour, just sitting on the floor thinking to myself about how gross I must be. I ended up sneaking into the bedroom after he was asleep and grabbed my pillow to go sleep downstairs on the couch.

 

I now feel even worse, I no longer feel comfortable being naked around him. I feel like the idea of sex should be off the table for me, I feel like retreating into myself and keeping my urges to myself, like they're not right to have. I'm like that fat girl that sits in the closet to eat cake, away from judgement and prying eyes, shame, except instead of cake its my sexuality.

 

I'm not sure what sort of advice I'm looking for, maybe other women who have gone through something similar, how did you get your self esteem back? Is being a mother worth sacrificing your sexual identity as a woman?

 

I keep picturing my life as this woman, busy with work and raising my child, keeping house, making a meal, planning family activities... going to the gym to swim laps and sit in the steam area and cry alone, because this will be my only alone time that I'll have. I imagine looking at a photo of my child a lot to bring me joy, whenever I feel alone or ugly I can just look at it and realize its for a reason. Maybe I'll start reading romance novels, and live vicariously through some fictional character that elicits the sort of desire and passion that I want in my life.... I'll sit there, eat my sad lunch, and pretend I'm them.

The way you're feeling is absolutely normal . Many guys feel weird about having sex with their wife when they're pregnant . The part about cumming on the baby's face made me laugh . Just tell him he's nowhere near a baby's face . Lol.

 

Getting pregnant and then entering the learning curve into family life is definitely difficult .

Have you talked to him about your feelings? A real heart to heart?

 

I say this as a married expectant mom as well(5.5 months). Although my problem is slightly different in that, we are physically separated often and for long stretches of time, due to his demanding career, and that's why I'm not getting it enough, thus we are stuck with too much "personal" time as no other recourse. Thankfully, I know my husband is just as, if NOT more attracted to my extra weight in the right places(tummy and all!). I have my good and bad days as well, but more so good, and I have really embraced my pregnant body...and I too, had lost several pounds prior to the pregnancy.

 

Have you went maternity shopping yet? My bad days were more so related to feeling like I lost an entire wardrobe initially, but once I found cuter cmaternity clothes, and spent some time doing "pretty things" I loved pre-preggers(mani/pedi, hair coloring, blowouts,etc) I really felt my spirits lifting. I hope you're taken time to do things to make yourself look and FEEL sexy!

I gotta be honest... and maybe it would change in the actual situation, but I can't imagine having sex with a pregnant woman. Something about the baby being *right there* even if not out or even conscious. The only time I could see myself having sex would be during the period you guys were avoiding it. I mean I can't even have sex with one of the cats in the bedroom.

 

What I don't think is cool at all is him beating off next to you in bed, knowing you've had more of an inclination for actual sex. Tactless IMO. Nothing stopping him from killing two birds with one stone and squeezing one out before / after taking a dump or a shower.

 

As for feeling sexy while pregnant... not exactly my field of expertise. Sounds like the ladies above have got your number though. Good luck with everything.

i have zero pregnancy advice but as far as the female self-esteem thing goes, i second the above. get a haircut, pronto. like, a very good one, spend more on it if you can afford to- do the whole balayage and detailed cut thing. something you can feel the bounce of when you walk. trust me on that one. it's rare i advise superficial fixes but i'm pretty sure this one is in place. get killer brows too if you don't have them naturally.

 

it's okay to have a rule on porn. none of it within a 15 feet radius of me, unless i'm watching it with you. we have women complain of the "i mean i was right.there" thing quite often, and it isn't irrational to be honest.

He knows, I've explained all of this to him. Pretty much since the day I found out I was pregnant, I'd research the hell out of that "week" and what to expect, and we'd talk about it. Every week he asks how far I am, every week he marks it down in his phone, and every week we read through the 'what to expect' articles about not just what is going on with the baby, but me as well. He is fully aware of the mechanics of pregnancy, that there is no way his penis will 'hit' the baby or that he can cum on it, he knows. Like I said though, some fears aren't rational. Its sort of like when I walk into my bathroom and I see the shower curtain closed, I always ALWAYS have to pull it back tentatively to make sure nobody is hiding behind there. I logically know that nobody is in my house, that nobody is hiding there, but the irrational fears can't be explained sometimes.

 

I think I was mentally prepared for my life to change in so many different ways, being a mother, parenting, losing sleep, balancing the tasks of daily life, I just wasn't mentally prepared for the changes this would have on my body and my self esteem. I grew up in a household where a lot of emphasis was put on being 'attractive'. If you were fat or not looking a certain way, you were ugly and you would be treated differently. I know it isn't healthy, but I've tied a lot of my self worth into how I look.... I'm not a Victoria secret model or anything, but I've generally thought of myself as decently attractive. So long as I see a reflection of that in those around me, I feel like I'm worth it. Whenever he'd grab my butt or tell me I look good, whenever he'd pull me close and I could feel his erection, it made me feel like a valid woman. The fact that he no longer does these things, and seeing what he's actually watching for porn..... I don't know, I always knew he watched porn but I never actually saw what it was he was watching. Feeling this low self esteem about myself physically coupled with actually seeing what those women looked like, it really hit me hard. I'm like a 5'3" person trying out for the basketball team, I have no chance in hell of competing.

 

Do you get "you" back? Or do you simply figure out a new way to live without those things....?

You may need to get more creative and versatile with intimacy such as oral, touching and other things.

lol I don't know why but part of your comment actually made me laugh, which was nice, thank you... I'm sitting here crying trying to put makeup on and its like fighting a losing battle here...... Here I am upset about not feeling sexy and yet somehow guys can easily "squeeze one out" while on the can lol Being a guy must be pretty awesome sometimes.

You just become a different version of you . Because essentially nothing is really about you anymore . So you change . Nothing ever stays the same, people, bodies nothing. This is when you start to learn that change is something that happens all the time . ( now I'm pretty removed from this phase ) The last time I was in that state of pregnancy was 10 years ago. I loved being pregnant and my husband loved it too. I think that helped me a lot . I do remember being out though and sometimes catching myself in the mirror and thinking oh my God I look like a hippo . And crying because I was hormonal. And I know my husband reassured me quite a bit that I was not a hippo . Maybe tell your husband that you do need a lot of reassurance . That he needs to remind you that you're still sexy .

 

I'm hitting a new phase of life to that causes a lot of stress . My son is becoming a young adult. Once again change and another learning curve .

Have you told him verbatim that piece above regarding your feelings of attractiveness being directly related to those simple acts of affection and intimacy he has shown previously? He may not be aware that he has stopped with those little displays..

I've already done a lot of that, I do that sort of thing for myself anyway and I always have. I have hair extensions, I have perfect eyebrows, lash extensions, French tipped nails, I have always put a lot of effort and pride into how I present myself to the world. Its like my mask, even if I go to the grocery store and that's it for the day, I have to look a certain way otherwise I feel like people would be judging me.

I've gone shopping for maternity clothes, that didn't exactly make me feel any better. Just because they put the word "maternity" infront of it doesn't take away from the fact that its fat clothes. I'm wearing fat clothes now. My belly sticking out is supposedly "cute" to some but to me its.... difficult to accept. Most maternity clothes like to 'accentuate' the bump, and the ones that don't make you look like a billowy tent.

I've been trying hard to find ways to make myself feel good about myself, but I haven't found anything yet. I can't get my mind wrapped around the fact that I look big, I'm starting to waddle, and no matter how hard I try its going to stick out.

 

The fact that the women in this porn he was watching aren't pregnant just emphasizes to me that it doesn't matter what I do, I can't change the hard fact.

 

The guy that responded earlier, j.man, I think as hard as it was to read that is probably where my husband is at right now. He just isn't attracted to a pregnant woman, for physical and psychological reasons. Its hard for me to accept that and still feel good about myself.

it's the pregnancy that's difficult to associate with sex for some, not the pregnant woman.

 

although i agree with the get creative bit. you're not off-putting, he sounds like it's just weird for him when there's a tiny human in there. i'm sure he'd do other stuff.

 

you need to dis-associate the pregnancy from your own appeal. having sex with a terribly runny nose isn't appealing, but it doesn't make the person unattractive.

it's the pregnancy that's difficult to associate with sex for some, not the pregnant woman.

Precisely. Maybe I was too loose in my wording. Again, I've never been in the position so who knows what kind of boundaries my sex drive would break if push came to shove, but imagining it, it'd have everything to do with the baby being literally between her and me. It wouldn't have anything to do with her or a lack of physical attraction.

Have you told him verbatim that piece above regarding your feelings of attractiveness being directly related to those simple acts of affection and intimacy he showed before?? He may not be aware that he has stopped with those little displays..

 

I have not, no, because I feel like the only thing that will happen is he will start making more advances basically out of feeling bad for me. Nobody likes to be a pity lay, including me.

 

a year and a half ago, he was working a night shift for a few months and our schedules were completely different. He started using porn, a lot, to cope with his needs. When his schedule returned to normal, he'd try to have sex with me and it would last only a few moments before he'd go flaccid. I was absolutely devastated, I felt like I must be disgusting and his reaction proved it. He was feeling dejected, he'd punch the mattress and get angry and roll over and not want to be touched. We were both facing self esteem issues when that happened, and after doing some research into it we discovered that using porn all the time can condition him to react only to self-gratification. He stopped masturbating, and within a week he was raring to go again.... the damage was done with me, though. We'd try and I'd just burst out in tears after a minute because I felt disgusting, like why are you touching me, don't touch me, I'm gross. He and I both knew it would take some time before my self esteem was back, and that I could feel comfortable with sex again. It took about 2 months.

 

I guess I look back on that experience and realize the emotional pain that can happen, and I also realize the reasons for it. This is different.... this isn't a matter of porn causing physical issues, I am the physical issue. I can't change what is happening to me, I can't cut back on my calories and work out, I've been told specifically by my doctor that dieting is NOT an option when I am pregnant, that I can't avoid taking in the extra bit of calories I need for the pregnancy, and I can't avoid the physical changes that are going to happen to me.

Whenever I go in to see her, she weighs me and I desperately try to get the 'go ahead' to cut back, I try to convince her I am getting way too fat, I'm too big right now, I must be, look at me. She just smiles and tries to reassure me that this is a "good" thing, and I secretly picture slapping her in the face while I quietly listen as to why its good.

 

I know that this is a "me" issue, one that involves how I am handling what is happening to me. I can't blame him for not wanting to be intimate with me, he can't help what he is comfortable with or attracted to. Men are visual creatures, and visually right now I'm not exactly a treat. Plus I have a tiny person inside of me, that's gotta be creepy when you're trying to think sexual thoughts.

 

I think the only thing I can really do is to find a reason to go to the bathroom when its bedtime, or to stay up a bit later then him, basically make excuses as to why I can't be around when he's masturbating, because I feel like that is a trigger for me and my self esteem issues. I'd never dream of asking him to stop, because that isn't healthy, but I don't think I can be around it anymore.

why is it unhealthy to ask him to masturbate somewhere else? i think it's unhealthy evicting yourself to the bathroom and keep the porcelain gods company in hopes he won't take too long.

Why not get some therapy to deal with these deal with body issues from the past? Join some pregnancy support groups like those classes they have. Try to embrace your pregnancy, rather than fear it or fight it.

I used to be bigger years ago, and I lost over 60 pounds to obtain the figure I was happy with. I'm like that fat girl that sits in the closet to eat cake, away from judgement and prying eyes, shame, except instead of cake its my sexuality.

You guys NEED to communicate.

I suggest telling him, specifically the things you miss that he has stopped doing. You will know if it's all contrived vs. genuine, but you have to be careful you're not projecting your insecurities on him...really give him a chance. I worry about how you will cope with your post pregnancy body, or if you have another child, etc. this pressure to look a certain way has to be exhausting and unhealthy. Are you initiating or just waiting for him? I suspect your feelings about hour changing body may be rubbing off on him...if you feel and act sexy/sensual he may be more turned on...works the opposite way too.

I think the only thing I can really do is to find a reason to go to the bathroom when its bedtime, or to stay up a bit later then him, basically make excuses as to why I can't be around when he's masturbating, because I feel like that is a trigger for me and my self esteem issues. I'd never dream of asking him to stop, because that isn't healthy, but I don't think I can be around it anymore.

I mean is it irrational to be brought to tears from him watching porn next to you? Yeah, maybe a tad. But I don't have to read "The Second Trimester and What to Expect" to know you're gonna have those kinds of moments. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking if he can masturbate elsewhere. Yes, you've got some self-esteem issues right now and you should definitely take the suggestions here to work on it, but he should be understanding enough to cut you a bit of slack as you improve yourself. A man doesn't need an orthopedic mattress to release the swimmers. You need the bed to sleep on, though.

 

Again, I'm amazed you even have to ask. He should be conducting his bedtime ritual elsewhere anyhow. Still, I think if you directly and politely ask if he could take it outside (not while he's doing it, of course), he'd oblige without issue.

I suggest telling him, specifically the things you miss that he has stopped doing. You will know if it's all contrived vs. genuine, but you have to be careful you're not projecting your insecurities on him...really give him a chance. I worry about how you will cope with your post pregnancy body, or if you have another child, etc. this pressure to look a certain way has to be exhausting and unhealthy. Are you initiating or just waiting for him? I suspect your feelings about hour changing body may be rubbing off on him...if you feel and act sexy/sensual he may be more turned on...works the opposite way too.

 

Absolutely ,the post pregnancy body is different . You can lose all the weight that you gained being pregnant and your body is STILL different . Having a baby moves muscles around ,bones around and things shift . You both are going to have to be happy with that new body.

I guess I figure the problem is me, not him, and it isn't any less fair then asking him to have to leave to do that.... Its either me sitting in the bathroom, or downstairs with the dog, or its him. Its easier for me to sit and think in the bathroom or maybe go downstairs and pet the dog for a bit then it would be for him to try to whack it there.... I would imagine. Plus this bedtime behaviour of his has been sometime that he's done for a long time, and its never been an issue until now. I feel like it wouldn't be fair for my issues to suddenly dictate where he can masturbate in his own house.

 

I realize that getting into a pregnancy group to talk to women in the same position as me would be for the best, and I was for a few months. I joined a group right after I got pregnant, and I slowly came to the realization that all of these women are hormonal, even worse then I am, they get pretty mean. They're easy to anger and they do not have much sympathy for anyone else other then themselves.... I left after a group of them started verbally attacking one woman because of something minor, I think she was upset that her doctor wasn't listening to her wishes or something. I liked having women around me that were going through some of the same things I was, but I quickly realized that they were turning into something really unpleasant to be around and they aren't in a place to offer up constructive discussion. I guess I was hoping that some women here who have already been through it could offer me some insight as to what was on the other side, or maybe they've been through the same thing as me and could offer up what they did to cope with it.

 

I know I'll have to talk to him about it, eventually.... right now I want to figure out how to deal with my feelings, though. I can't go into this discussion with him without understanding my own position first, otherwise I'm no better then those other women. I'll just end up crying and making him feel bad.

Ok, I have been through what you're going through as in having been pregnant. I do have body issues since teen years. Freedom IS pregnant now. What do you feel we don't get?

Ok, I have been through what you're going through as in having been pregnant. I do have body issues since teen years. Freedom IS pregnant now. What do you feel we don't get?

 

 

I don't want to come across as saying "you don't get me" because I honestly don't feel that way. You've all been very helpful in your suggestions on how to deal with his masturbating times or how to deal with my emotional dissatisfaction with how pregnancy is changing my body.

I guess I'm looking for insight as to how to get your self esteem back when pregnancy is over. In my first post, I described this life where I basically fear I'll end up putting my sexuality into a box, something I only open and examine when I'm alone. I'm the sort of girl that used to be comfortable with my sexuality, I have lots of toys and I'd be confident in the bedroom. I felt like I knew who I was and what I was worth. I felt like I deserved to have feelings of being sexual.

I feel like I'm losing that, I can't do anything about it. I have to wait until I give birth, then I can start working on losing the weight and feeling good about myself again. I won't be pregnant anymore, so he should feel comfortable being with me again, logically speaking, but how do I get that part of myself back?

You said you've been pregnant before, you've been through it before, so I guess I'm asking you how did you get that feeling of pride in your womanhood back when you were finished having the baby? Did it just come back for you, or did you have to work at it? If you had to work at it, what did you do?

 

I guess I'm terrified that this is the death of my sexuality.

 

 

I have to go meet with family for lunch, I'm not ignoring responses or "turning my nose up" at things that might be hard to hear, so if I take a while to respond please don't think that is why. I really do appreciate the feedback, even from the men. I know you guys can't understand what its like to be pregnant, but I can't really understand what its like for you on your side of the experience, so I do value your input. It gives me a bit of insight as to what is maybe going through his head. I try to talk to him about things, but he is fairly.......simple, in his communication skills. He doesn't talk much about his feelings or what he is going through, it can be frustrating sometimes. I tend to be the one that initiates and does all the research before going into a conversation, because otherwise I wouldn't have much understanding for his side at all.

Ok. Give me time to really think. It was almost 20 years ago since I had my son. So I will give it some good thought and reply.

 

Have a good family lunch.

It took us about 4 months or so to get back to our romantic life. ( I had a super hard delivery) I think we were both a little over ready. It was a little hard to be romantic for a while not because I think that I lost my sexuality but just trying to get in the swing of being parents to a baby. That is a really steep learning curve . Generally it takes about a year to feel comfortable with your new life . I am not really sure if I am helping . I know it took a bit of time to get back to the swing of romance. If you can into a schedule that works for you and baby and hubby you can recover romance more quickly. My son was also high maintenance as a special needs baby so it took longer.