No intimacy in relationship, anal-only sex

Hi everyone,

I’m at a loss as to how to deal with a total lack of sexual or general intimacy in my relationship. My boyfriend is very keen for me to move in with him (we currently live separately, although I’ve been “trialling” living with him for about six weeks now). I’m tempted but have so far resisted agreeing, because I have a major concern about our relationship in terms of sexual and general intimacy.

Aside from the first few weeks of our relationship, he has hardly kissed me. He gives me a peck on the lips hello and goodbye, but that’s it. If I go to kiss him intimately/passionately, he will either laugh uneasily, pull away or cut the kiss very short. Added to that, he seems to find eye contact very uncomfortable – he will rarely look me in the eye and, during our conversations, he’ll stare at the floor. I find this really frustrating but I don’t know how to bring it up with him without upsetting him or hurting his feelings/damaging his confidence further. He says he loves me very much and he does show me in many ways that that’s true, but I feel uncomfortable and sad that my boyfriend can’t look at me and doesn’t want to kiss me. It’s damaging my own self-confidence as I wonder if he’s even attracted to me.

The other issue is sex. We both enjoy rather “unconventional” sex acts, particularly anal sex, and have enjoyed exploring this throughout our relationship. The first few times we had sex, we had fairly vanilla sex with no problems but, since then, it’s been exclusively anal. All sex is initiated by me. Now, when I try to have “vanilla” sex with him, he’s not able to get erect at all. Sex between us usually consists of me touching him while he lays stock still on the bed. I touch him “intimately” and he will get hard, then finally start to touch me (my bottom only) and then turn me over and away we go, often very rough and violent, with his hand around my throat (agreed on prior to intercourse). So there’s no foreplay for me and it’s becoming deeply unsatisfying.

It’s bothering me more and more each day, and now I feel so frustrated I could scream. I feel like the bond we had is fading quickly: no kisses, no eye contact, no face-to-face sex, no “normal” sex. I wonder if he’s capable of any kind of intimacy at all.

Should I/how do I bring up these concerns with him? Not only am I very reluctant to move in with someone who’s not capable of kissing me, looking at me or “making love” to me, but I’m frankly wondering if I should even stay in the relationship.

I’d really appreciate any advice you can give. To clarify, despite this sounding like he’s some kind of psychopath, he’s not – he’s a really nice man in every other way you could think of! He just has these “quirks” and the largest anal porn collection in the UK …

Thanks very much!

Maynards

How long have you been dating? Does he know you're unhappy with the sex? Or is it part of the BDSM arrangement you have for you to not be happy and simply submit to that?

Don't move in if you are unhappy with the affection/sex. If he's the dominant/sadist and you are the submissive/masochist then you should enjoy being treated like this, no?

Wow, i feel for you. I don't know how you can stand it like this.

About 6 months ago i made a decision to leave a relationship with someone i loved and is a nice person. The reason? No intimacy, won't kiss me properly, doesn't particularly like me touching him at all (anyone for that matter). It's something that just got worse over time. I would try and initiate sex, nope. I would ask, he'd say too tired. We lived together, so i tried everything from talking to giving space. Long story short, i couldn't take it anymore. I ended it.

Best decision ever made.

I have recently started seeing someone who is extremely affectionate, and i'm revelling in it. I didn't realise how miserable i was until now.

I think you are right to not move in due to these concerns. I would also be very worried if this is my sex life forever. Have you tried speaking to him about this?

If not, i suggest you sit down with him, explain to him how much you love him, and enjoy sex with him. Then gently explain however that you're missing your intimacy and would like to start having normal face to face sex again. Hopefully this should open up a dialogue for you both to be honest.

Communication is key.

Limiya

I am really at a loss here on why you are with this guy, let alone contemplating moving in.

I mean if you enjoyed what really amounts to violent anal raping as a sex act, great. You two are made for each other, but you don't by your own admission.....sooo....what on earth are you doing with him? How can you do this to yourself?

I also completely disagree with "just talk to him". If he was a normal person, sure talk away. He is not a normal person and very blatantly has all sorts of psychological issues that talking isn't going to resolve. Doubt that any psychiatrist could resolve either.

I think there is a definite pattern here.

He being uncomfortable with intimate acts, kissing and lack of eye contact. Add in he prefers anal sex rather than face to face (vanilla) as you referred to it.

He's able to detach from every aspect of intimacy. He couldn't be any further away from you if he's behind you, getting off. Anything other than that he can't maintain an erection.

I think intimacy is a definite issue for him and these things are typically deep rooted.

You are right to question whether this is something you want to continue.

To me it seems like you enjoy this type of sex BUT just want more varied, "normal" stuff you used to do and more added to it. Am I right?

Also you are missing other types of physical intimacy that he seems to have a problem with. Sounds like this isn't because he doesn't love you but because of his self esteem issues.

If you are at the end of your rope you have to pause and talk to him. Do it in a non confrontational way without "blaming" him. Explain to him why you love him and why you think he is a great guy. Explain to him how you know he loves you too from the other great things you mentioned he does - things that do make you happy. Then tell him what your needs are that *aren't* being met and ask if you can have open communication about these needs and work on them together. Explain how this would make you happier.

If despite your gentle and loving approach he gets defensive and doesn't listen, you then have to decide if you can live with this.

He may surprise you and change these behaviors. Good luck!

What I see in your words is he likes to bang you but doesn't ever Make Love to you. So the whole time you have been together it has been just a sex act for him and nothing more. No intimacy and he actually shuns it.

What guy doesn't want to passionately kiss his girl? Kissing is the most intimate things there is.

Do not move in with him and since you obviously care for him you won't just end things without trying something so talk to him about your concerns. Tell him you cannot be in a relationship with no intimacy, no connection and no depth. His answers will lead you to your answer.

I am sorry but this guy had issues that you cannot help him with. I fear this relationship is doomed.

Lost

How does he interact with other people, does he have close friends, family bonds? How able is he to access and voice his feelings?

Is he gay but won't admit it?

I've known some guys who only do anal sex because it's their 100% guarantee of no babies being born.