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How to rebuild the friendship between me and my sister?


CelesteSpaniel

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I'm 21 and my sister is 28.

 

Years ago, me and my sister were best friends. We did everything together and could share our feelings with each other. We were inseparable, and were well known to be best friends by all my family. We had the same interests and would spend much of our time together.

 

Then I did some things that really hurt her feelings. I didn't mean to, but I would often let her down. I love to draw, and I would choose drawing over doing something with her quite a lot. I feel like I took her for granted.

 

I had an emotionally abusive and cheating boyfriend who broke up with me when I caught him cheating. I was devastated at first because I still had feelings for him. I didn't have any friends at school so I felt like he was the only person there I could rely on.

My sister was very happy that I got out of a terrible relationship, and she helped me be happy about it too. But a part of me still had feelings deep down that I didn't know about. So a few months later we got back together. I felt happy, and told my sister. She was instantly furious and didn't understand because she thought I was happy before. She didn't talk to me for days after that.

But we made up in the end (though she was still upset).

Eventually we broke up again, and my sister was relieved (and so was I finally). We never got back together again. And I have already learnt a life lesson from that relationship.

 

This part may seem stupid to some, but it completely pushed our, already slipping, friendship off a cliff.

 

I never liked Facebook, but joined anyway as it was the big thing at the time. One day I decided that I would just leave, but I didn't want anyone finding me on there anymore (I didn't know you could delete your accounts, I was young and didn't know better), so I started manually deleting all the people that I had on my friends list. I started with my family, as I knew that would be the fastest way someone would find my profile and images of me. I had a lot of "friends" on there, so I didn't want to do it all in one sitting.

 

But boy was that a mistake. My sister was crushed.

Something that I thought wasn't a big deal completely ripped her heart in half. I tried to explain but she thought I was only deleting her and my family. They didn't understand why I didn't just delete my account, and I tried to explain that I didn't know you could do that. Which she didn't buy at all. My other family members didn't care, and just laughed about it, so it caused no issues with them.

 

But then came one of the parts that still haunts me to this day. My sister told me that we weren't friends anymore. She felt betrayed, and that I wasn't putting effort into our friendship (which was true. I didn't realise how good I had it until it was gone) I still remember my eyes welling up with tears. I hid these tears from her. But she knew I was upset. It was at that moment that everything I took for granted hit me like a tonne of bricks.

 

Years went by not talking or playing together anymore. She left home and got married, and now I have left home too and have a wonderful fiancé.

 

But every day I have these painful memories. I tried hard to fix things, so hard. But I never succeeded. I would ask her to play games with me like the old times. I asked her to watch movies with me. I wrote her notes everyday with little gifts attached. She wouldn't do the first two with me. But she sometimes wrote notes back. One day she just stopped writing back altogether. I tried to help her when she got sick.

I put in so much effort to fix our relationship and she hasn't done anything at all. I'm so sad, that I feel like our friendship meant nothing to her!

 

We had a big talk once. I told her how I feel, and that I was so sad and sorry and I just wished we could be friends again. She agreed with me and I was over the moon! But after that talk nothing changed! She still didn't talk to me or anything.

 

I don't know what else I can do. I feel like I've tried everything, and I'm out of ideas. She gets along perfectly with everyone else in the family, as do I. But it's like I don't exist! She doesn't even hug me goodbye like she does everyone else in the family. She hugs everyone, and then walks past me!

 

Please someone help me? I'm so lost on what to do!

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Not what you want to hear, but quit trying and leave her be. Just because you are related by blood, doesn't mean you will be friends or need to be.

 

Frankly, your sister's behavior comes across as very vindictive. You haven't really done anything to her to warrant that kind of treatment. So perhaps it's time to take your sister off her pedestal and reconsider her character. Not as how you two used to be as children, but who you two are as adults.

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At first, I agreed it sounded very vindictive... and I'd still go as far as to say at least a little bit so. But I do think, at some point, especially with supporting you through your repeat drama episodes with the cheater and abuser, that she realized her "investment" so to speak wasn't paying off. The defriending simply may have been the catalyst. While I'd never take it personally, I'd be baffled if someone took the effort to remove all their friends one by one before simply browsing through the facebook settings to see where to disable / delete. I think the aftermath was certainly vindictive to an extent, but with these years having gone by now and her having her own life developments, she simply may just be over it-- completely.

 

And, as DF mentioned, blood doesn't guarantee relations. I think it'd be best to branch out and find that connection in someone else.

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You are sisters, you're 7 yrs apart, you are in completely different life stages. Do you still live at home? Some siblings and families grow apart. Try to make your own circle of friends.

She left home and got married, and now I have left home too and have a wonderful fiancé.
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To add to jmann's comment, I think how your family reacted to the FB thing once all was explained was healthy. Your sister's reaction, not so much.

However, all that was years ago and water under the bridge really.

 

You are both grown adults now. She moved out, got married, has her own life as do you. Siblings or otherwise, life happens, people change and friendships drift apart. They just do, as people get absorbed in their own lives, husbands, kids, careers, personal worries, other friends and interests, etc.

 

 

I am saying leave her be, because the more you try and the more you push, I think the more she will resist and act like a jerk to you. Quit pushing and trying so hard, give it a rest and with time you two might re-establish an adult relationship and friendship of some kind more naturally.

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I feel like I've tried everything

 

You probably feel this way because it's true. How much effort have you put into trying to save this relationship, and what have you received in return? Even continuing to think and worry about it is taking quite a toll on you, when my guess is your sister doesn't think about it at all.

 

You made an honest mistake, at an age when most of us still have a lot to learn, and you've never forgiven yourself for it. Acknowledge the part you played in making that mistake, but also acknowledge that your sister's reaction is her responsibility. You've done your part. You've done more than most people would to try to make things right, but she's not doing her part.

 

Stop putting so much emotional effort into saving this relationship. Grieve for the loss of what you once shared and stop blaming yourself for what happened. You can't fix this without her willing cooperation, but you can choose to put down the heavy emotional burden you've been carrying for so long.

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I would shower her with loving kindness regardless of her response. I'd hug her when she doesn't hug me, I'd keep sending her notes and cards, but I'd keep it light--no 'woe is me' stuff about trying so hard, and no acknowledgment of her lack of response. That kind of heavy, obligatory, emotional weight shuts doors instead of opens them. Instead, I'd send her little sentiments, like 'this card reminded me of the time we...' or I heard 'name of song' and thought of you... Funny cards about sisters and simply signing your name 'with love' or whatever. Little loving comments, no big confessional letters. No implications that you expect a reply.

 

Same with emails, same with social media messages. Nothing heavy, just cute, funny or sentimental observations--and leave it at that.

 

I'd also never fail to step up in her times of need, no matter how small.

 

It could take weeks, it could take years, but you'll always know that you've done your part to hold up your side of the agreement to become close again--without dumping guilt or needy stuff onto her. The older sister usually feels a burden to be the caretaker of the younger one, and she no longer has that in her. So I'd turn that around to demo that you don't just love her in YOUR times of need, you're willing to step up and give balance to your dynamic.

 

Head high, and just keep plugging away--without expectations. This way, maybe she'll surprise you someday, and if not, you'll know you have not contributed to the distance.

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