My girlfriend lied to me

Hello guys, I am going through some issues for a long time now and I can't get over them, I am posting here hopely to get some outside advice, merely since I can't talk to anyone I know except my gf about this.

So, before telling you my actual problem, I feel like I should tell you a few totally (or not) unrelated things about us, maybe knowing this I can get a more realistic advice. I am also sorry for any possible grammar mistakes I may make, english isn't my first language.

Moving on, me and my girlfriend got together 6 months ago. I am 20 and she is 19. Everything was spontaneus and pretty challenging since we both freshly came out of long relationships (she - 3 years and me 1 year and a half), and when I first met her, she told me she has strong feelings for his ex and she'd like to make up with him. I also was known around town and by many common friends as a big player, so I didn't actually care about that, I didn't expect love between us. We both had a big load of scars too. Starting with hers, her previous relationship was an abusive one. Her ex used to beat her now and then (nothing very serious, slaps, cursing, never anything that needed medical attention), he cheated on her many times, even if he knew she knew, he even slapped her one time because he caught him in bed with another woman. She always blamed herself, she though that those girl had something she didn't and things like that, she was insecure and in an extreme lack of self esteem, only emotionally though. She is too aware of how hot she is. My main goals were to help her trust herself, and I am still fighting that fight, and will continue to do so, and making her trust me. I though that because she's been cheated on, she would lack trust in me. Surprisingly, this wasn't the case. I fell for her and she for me, I always showed her my appreciation towards everything she did for me, I loved her, cared for her, and everything was perfect. In our first days of being together, I told her all my flaws so she'd know what she is getting into. I told her that I can be insecure, possesive, jealous, controlling, stubborn. I told her that I don't trust people at all, not just women, people. I also told her, repeatedly, that my trust in her will be zero in the first or second month. I told her that she will have to work her ass off to win my trust and that it will be an unfairly fight for her, I will test her and so on. I did that in all my previous relationships. As our relationship furtherly developed, I followed her, I checked her phone behind her back, I tested her and so on. She went through all that like a champion. I know i was and I am VERY insecure and it wasn't good nor healthy that I did to her, but she knew what she was getting into. I went through some ugly things in the past and I lack trust in people because of that. It involves betrayal, family, parents and so on, long story. Anyway, unlike my ex, who went through those games and test for aproximately 2 months, then she had my absolute trust, my gf didn't I never managed to fully trust her. Even though she was perfect, she passed everything, she willingly and without me asking, gave me all her passwords, phone to check whenever I wanted, everything. She was really showing that she loves me and she wouldn't lie or cheat on me. But even so, I always had this weird feeling in the back of my head that something is wrong. I didn't know what or why, there was absolutely no sign telling me to pay attention. After two months I started blaming myself for my insecurities, I felt there's something wrong with me, I feared that it would hurt our relationship and that I am crazy. But time showed me I wasn't wrong and I should always trust my gut. Another thing I told her in our first days of being together, is that I absolutely hate LYING. I told her that I don't want her to ever ever lie to me about anything, no matter how small, and that I wouldn't lie to her. I also told her that she can do anything, she can go out, go clubbing, anything, BUT, I need to know first. Just call me and tell me that you're going to have coffee with X or Y and everything is perfect. But do not let me find our that you are out having coffee and I didn't know about it. Anyway, timed pass and until our 5th month everything was perfect. We moved on together in another city where I started studies, she got a job, we were happy. My feeling that something is off persisted, and I often talked to her about it (I was very open with her), I often asked her if she is hiding something from me, one time I even woke her up in the middle of the night, crying, asking her the same things. She started to cry because she saw me sad and she swore in my face, looking me in the eyes, that she loves me very much and that she isn't hiding anything. She stood awake until she calmed me and we both went to sleep. And this one day came (1 month and a half ago), when everything went to . I had a few hard days trying to find a solution for my lack of trust and insecurities, and as a final resort, I did one thing I never though I would. I keylogged her phone (3 days trial app), which gave me acces, remotely, to all her voice conversations (recorded), texts (only sms), gps. I told myself that if I don't find anything in these three days, I have to stop and start trusting her. The first day went good, nothing fishy, calls involving only her mom and 2 girlfriends. But on the second day, everything fell apart. In the morning, I was sleeping and she was at work, when she came home she went to sleep and I woke up. I stood in the kitchen drinking my coffee and I started surfing the remote keylog and saw a voicecall with one of her gf's. I began listening to it, 4 and a half minutes where just boring stuff, but the other 4 minutes weren't. She is a waitress, and she started bragging on the phone to her gf that she saw one of her ex's at her place of work, that she went and talked to him, and that she hopes he won't text or call her when I am around, hopefully she will text her on snapchat so I wouldn't know. I woke her up and asked if there is anything she'd like to tell me. She said no, I repeatedly pursued the question and she kept saying no. So I said, "what were you talking about today with F?(her gf)". Her face dropped. She stood silent for 1 minute then started telling me some kind of partial truth. I told her that I tapped her phone and she admitted everything. She said that everything was a lie. She lied to her girlfiend about everything because she wanted to seem rebel in her eyes. I asked her, why, why did you need to show off as that? She said that a few days ago her gf asked her out to go clubbing, and as my gf refused, her gf told her she is a puppy and she isn't going because I am not letting her. That was a new story to me, she didn't even ask me and she actually didn't want to go. I believed her excuse (surprisingly) but I was hurt. I told her that I love her, I've always been good to her, I didn't keep her on a leash, so why did she need to show off her rebellion? So I punished her. I told her that whenever any of your gf's ask you out, your response will be this: "I can't come out because my boyfriend isn't allowing me to." Now you will show everyone that you are a puppy and not a "rebel". I also ignored her one full day. We settled things out after that, I lifted her punishment up (she never had the occasion to tell any of her gf's what I told her to say). But my feeling that something is wrong persisted, and even harder. So the next day, as we sat down and talked, I gave her an ultimatum. I asked her again, to think really hard and tell me if there's anything I should now, and that if she is lying again, we are done. She said no 4 times and as I persisted, her eyes went up, thinking, and said one more no. At that moment, I knew. She was thinking of what she's hiding. I've gone mad, started yelling and after 2 more minutes she finally gave up. She told me that she talked to another guy in the past, deleted the conversations and hid everything for me. It was a guy (A) from her past (they had a thing, only online, while she was together with her ex, they sent each other many photos, did a lot of sex talk and so on). She texted him a few months ago on instagram. She said she wanted some photos she liked very much and didn't have anymore from him so she texted him and hid everything for me with the though of me being upset about that. I didn't believe her but I let it go. As days went on, my feeling came back, even harder. And I lied to her. I went to her workplace (as I often do), and we were outside having a smoke and chatting. Then I showed her some app and told her that with this, I will put her phone in my laptop and recover absolutely every text and call log she ever deleted (lie), and she believed it. I asked her if there is anything I should know about from her mouth, rather than finding out on my own, which would be worse. Her eyes went up again for a second and I knew. She told me that there's one other guy she talked to. And as I kept pressing more and more truths came out. The first guy she texted on instagram (A), she didn't only chat with him asking for the photos, they called each other, talked for about an hour on the phone, and that was it, end of everything between them. Nevertheless, she lied to me days back about him. And the second guy, was someone who texted her, also on instagram (she didn't knew him), and he started to flirt with her. He chatted with him for about an hour and I asked, what did you talk about. She said 90% gym and the rest were, how are you, where are you from. Problem is, I talked to that guy who sent me the conversations, and it was the other way around, 10% gym and 90% flirt.

Bottom line is, she chatted with two guys, one of them with whom she had a online sex thing for a few good months and hid everything for me. And everytime I asked her if something is wrong, if she's hiding something from me, even when I woke her up crying and she swore to me everything is good looking right into me eyes, everything was a lie.

Now I can't trust her at all, but I love her very much. I do not know what to do.

And before you telling me, I know I am full of insecurities, I know. But it seems those insecurities haven't failed me.

I only read the beginning of the post and didn't feel the need to read the rest. All of those qualities you list about yourself are negative and relationship killers. If you have baggage, you shouldn't be in a relationship. If you don't have the skills to become a better person on your own, then seek counseling. Nobody should consider a prospective partner who exhibits controlling, possessive, over-the-top jealousy. Only a person with severe, low self esteem problems will accept this toxic behavior. Two highly flawed people cannot ever succeed in a loving relationship.

An emotionally healthy person will trust a partner until given a valid reason not to. You never have to snoop. The truth eventually comes out if a person is unfaithful. It will slap you right in the face without any effort from you. If they're faithful, why should they pay for a crime that someone from your past has committed? My husband was cheated on twice in two of his longterm past relationships. Do you know what he says to me if I go to the movies or out to dinner with a girlfriend? "Have a good time."

You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are ready to be in a romantic relationship. Please start now, so that your future partnerships will benefit from your new outlook and positive behavior.

My God, man. I'm pretty sure what you did (tapping) is illegal where I come from. Your behavior is seriously concerning and downright scary. You'll never meet miss right with any of the behavior you've displayed, even right off from the get-go; it will scare the good ones off.

It seems you are self aware of your own issues on some level, although I would advise to seek help for them or else you'll keep running into these kinds of situations with women. I agree with the previous poster; take a break from relationships for a while until you get a grip on yourself.

I'd like to help you, but please reformat your post using paragraphs.

@Andrina: I didn't list them as qualities, on the contrary, I listed them as flaws, and I'm aware of that.

@offthegrid: Thank you, I could really use some help, I know I'm messed up. I will reformat it as soon as I get the time, I wasn't in my best state of mind when I wrote the first post.

You sound as abusive as her ex. Get a handle on your paranoia.

My God, man. I'm pretty sure what you did (tapping) is illegal where I come from. Your behavior is seriously concerning and downright scary..

I totally agree. OP, you are abusive and you seriously need professional help (imo). You shouldn't be in a relationship until you can get all of your issues sorted out, no matter how long it takes. Please go for counseling/therapy.

I didn't keep her on a leash,

@ThatwasThen: I never freaked out on her or on anyone else for lying to me. I never insult, hit, or scream whenever I am lied to or being offended. And by "I didn't keep her on a leash" I meant that she was and is free to do and go whatever and wherever she wants, all I want in return is for her to let me know first (e.g. She calls me and she tells me that she is going to go for a coffee with x or y and that's all.)

@Wiseman2: You're saying am just as abusive as her ex. That might be true, more or less, the only difference between me and him is that I never laid one haid upon her, I am not insulting nor screaming at her. I am always telling her that I want her to be fully herself around me and I want to help her achieve that confidence in me and in herself. And I meant it. Also, by herself, I mean fully herself, I always tell her that she doesn't have to pretend around me or try to be someone else (she is afraid that if I see her flaws or more of them I will leave). The only thing I truly need and want for her is honesty. I don't care in what form that honesty is coming, even if her being truly honest will mean her being filled with flaws or things that would annoy me and so on. I just want her to be honest.

And as a reply to all of you, I respect your opinions and I am thankful for them. I am well aware that I have some serious problems, and with the risk of sounding like a , I think you could've pointed those things out more nicely. The trust issues and insecurities I am having now, I've never had them before with anyone else, and if I did, they would've only lasted like a few weeks and then everything was ok. My last girlfriend had my absolute trust, I've never doubted her with things like this. This is the reason I wrote this topic in the first place, because I do not understand why I can't trust my current girlfriend (I didn't trusted her even before she lied to me).

@ThatwasThen: I fully understand what it means to be forced to lie to someone because you know you have no other choice. My father was abusive and I had to live like that. But this is different, she wasn't "forced" to lie to me. She simply did something that she knew I wouldn've accepted and she lied to me. What she did was a lie, even if I was just a normal guy, she would've still lied about that. It isn't like she wanted to go outside to have a walk and I wouldn't have let her so she had to lie to me. I've never threathened her, I've never insulted her, I've never screamed at her, I've never beat her. She didn't live, until that point, with any sort of "fear" of lying or getting caught. I've never allowed myself to make her feel like she has to lie to me, on the contrary, I always encouraged her to be honest to me, to talk to me, anything like that.

@Capricorn3: I do not think, maybe I'm wrong, that I shouldn't be in a relationship until I sort my problems out. I want to believe that I can do that while being in one.

As a last note, I am sorry that I do not have enough time on my hands these days, but I will get some, to explain everything a little more easier.

Have you sought out therapy yet for that paranoia, Raskka?

@Capricorn3: I do not think, maybe I'm wrong, that I shouldn't be in a relationship until I sort my problems out. I want to believe that I can do that while being in one.

I totally disagree. You'll continue treating her and others this way (yes, it is abuse) simply because you don't believe you are doing anything wrong. Have you looked into professional counseling yet? if not, why not?

OP, Is the way you are treating her socially acceptable where you are from?

What you are describing is horrible. For as long as you remain extremely insecure and controlling, you will never have a healthy relationship or a happy girlfriend who you can trust, not because they aren't trustworthy, but because you are driving them crazy to the point that they need a way out. Maybe your girlfriend's way out is talking to other guys who may value and respect her more as a human than you do. You "punished" her? Truly awful and abusive like everyone else here said. Respectfully, I hope your girlfriend finds the courage to leave you for her own wellbeing.

Please take everyone's advice and visit a psychologist or psychiatrist.

No decent woman will ever agree to your terms.

Please seek professional help before you escalate to more harmful behaviors.

I am sorry I haven't replied here in over 4 months. But to my shame, I felt belittled by all your negative advices (I interpreted them as negative then, not now) so I just ignored the thread and went on with my life.

A lot has happened since then, and for @Capricorn3 , yes, I solved my problems without getting out of my relationship.

@Hm1357 : she did those things early on in our relationship, I showed her absolutely no type of abuse until after I found out.

As for her happiness, she always categorically claimed that she is happy and has never been happier with me (overall I think), so did her parents and friends.

And as I have said many times until now, I've never hurt her (physically), I've never insulted her and so on.

Ok, now that was my self-defense. In my best attempt to be fully objective, I know that controlling her like that along with anything else I've done IS abusive and I feel shame for it. I've tried, as much as I found myself capable of, to "fix" myself. Unfortunately, I haven't succeded. I am not controlling her at all today, not even the slighest bit, it was hard to resist the temptation of doing it at first, but it got easier. My paranoia has also left me, though there are days when it's trying to embrace my mind again. And what gives me the most courage to continue "fixing" myself is that I fully trust her now. 100%. She did some things for me in these 4 months that simply amazed me. Our relationship is better than it ever was now, she fully moved on from her past traumas, and I feel or want to think that I am almost there too.

If you don't fully believe me, which I except and understand, I will tell you something else which I think I should've said in the beggining. I always knew that I could help myself alone, without any counseling or professional help because I have done it tens of times in the past. All I needed was a push, a little sparkle for a fire. And she gave it to me, not once. On some level I kind of knew where the roots of my problems were. And what I am about to tell you now, I've never ever in my life told to anyone, so please don't accuse me of trying to victimise myself for doing so (that's kind of the reason I never told anyone). I didn't have.. uhm, what others would call a happy childhood. My father was almost entirely absent in my life until I turned 11 (because of work). After my 11th birthday he started working at home and I was never happier when I found out. I always looked up to him, loved him, and wanted him to be around me. When he was about to do that, I was overwhelmed. Unfortunately, everything went south. He was abusive, both verbally and physically. He used to beat me, punish me, he even put out one ciggarette on me. Anyway, I can't claim that it affected me that much, every wound heals. What broke me the most was the words that used to come out from his mouth. He spent an averagely 1 1/1 hours a day insulting me. There's no need to give you examples. When I was 13, I ran away from home, but he found me one day later. When I was 14, I almost killed myself. When I turned 15, he started working abroad again, so I only saw him 1 month a year. That was the chance I got to begin healing myself. I was violent with other people, abusive, I started drinking and gambling, everything he was I began to be myself. Until one day, when I came home drunk, my mother tried to scold me and I yelled pretty hard at her, insulting her, she started crying and I went to sleep. I fully know how much pain he felt and how much she cried everytime my father did that to her, and I couldn't possibly understand how I could've done that to her myself. That was the day I started to learn how to understand myself better, so I could know exactly what is wrong, why is it wrong and if there's a way to help it. One year later I was a totally different man. I've learned a lot of things by watching my parents relationship. Everything he's done to her I promised myself I won't to my partner. And what I was doing to my girlfriend my father never done to mom. I always tried to understand him, to make him accept me, be proud of me, I finished college and went to lawschool just to make him proud, but unsuccesfully. In 2015, 31th october, when I was 20, my mother ran away from home, leaving my little brother alone in the house, as my dad was abroad and I was out. She ran to another country, my father came home, took my little brother with him back abroad and kicked me out of the house. I had no money, no roof, no income, nothing. If it wasn't for my ex-girlfriend I wouldn't have had a place to sleep. I talked to my mother everyday, I tried to calm her down, make her feel better, and after 2 months, all the family came back home for "negociating" terms of making up. I warned my mother that he is lying to her, just to lure her back home and beat her. She didn't listen to me and sadly I was totally right. My father has another problem I don't understand even today, everytime he was mad at me, he was best friend with her, and vice versa. He was never capable of being good or angry at both of us at the same time. So when he started swearing at her that night, I stepped in, told him some things that I never did and I knew would hurt him, so he beat me, put me in my knees in front of him, threatened to kill me and made me kiss his palm. After that he took my phone, clothes (left me in my jeans and t-shirt), money and kicked out again, it was winter. I went back to my ex's house walking 5 kms. A few days later, they were together again and never been happier, they moved abroad and they are living there ever since. Two months later, my mom called me, I felt pretty sad at that time and I told her that I love her and I am sorry I didn't do anything to help her feel better before she ran away. I told her I was sorry I didn't see how broken she was. At that moment the told me I was to blame she left home in the first place and it was all my fault. She's never in her life told me anything like that, she never insulted me or blamed me for anything. It was a blow I didn't see coming. It didn't pain me at all that they left me behind to live their lives and that I was almost completely alone. I was proud of that. I felt that (or maybe I tricked myself into feeling this to make myself feel better) my brother had his mother with him because of me. I felt that I made a sacrifice to protect her and give my brother the chance to live with her mother again. Nothing has changed from that day to the present.

Everything that has happened to me along the years, broke me down piece by piece and I have always picked them up alone, without any help of any kind from anyone. So I am trying and gladly succceding at doing so in my current relationship, and myself as a person. I can't say I am truly happy, but I finally have some sort of peace in my life. I started my own business, bought my own car, took my own rent. And knowing that I got here in almost 2 years, starting from walking with nothing but a shirt on me in the winter to a house which wasn't my own, it's kind of satisfying. I know fighting my battles and problems alone isn't courage, it's cowardness. I know that. And I know I don't have the courage to seek help or talk about this, so please, if there is any possible way, stop telling me to get help and advise me on how to find the courage to do that.

I know that my past is ruining my capabilty to have a normal relationship with someone but I truly love this girl and I do not want to leave her, even if it's for her own good. I want to believe that I can change and be a benefic person in her life without leaving her. She is a wonderful person, she never raised her voice at me, never insulted me, never made me feel less than I am no matter how bad I was to her. She came into my life when I was at my lowest, just seven months after my family left, and me and my ex broke up 2 months before I met her. I was completely alone, I had no stability in my life, no money, I was living in the apartment my parents kicked me out from (I broke in) and I was never closer to giving up on everything then. We met by accident and she gave me hope. She was and is an angel in my eyes and she was the reason I chose not to give up and start doing something with my life. I knew that I couldn't be in a relationship with her at that point in my life so I had to do something. She gave me courage when I needed it the most. Her only fault in my eyes is dishonesty. She fought and won my full trust, and I truly have total faith in her now. If she could do it for me, I did it for her. As I have said in the beggining, I exert zero control over her now, and I rarely feel the need to do so.

I don't know if I should tell you guys all this, I don't know if you care at all or not but still, I am saying it. I know it's a long post.

Don't blame the past on your current behavior choices.

Don't blame the past on your current behavior choices.

Agreed.

And again, all I can advise is therapy, therapy, therapy.

I am not blaming the past for my current behavior choices, I just stated out that the past is the source of said behavior. It's not an excuse.

@Capricorn3 Why are you strongly advising therapy even now? I said that most, if not all the problems regarding my controlling behaviour are gone. The only thing that still remains is the need I feel from time to time. For example, 3 or 4 weeks ago I felt the need to take her phone and look through it, but I didn't do it. I kept telling myself that it is wrong and unfair so I didn't do it. Isn't this some sort of progress on its on? Am I just fooling myself and I haven't changed one bit? I know it's hard for me to be objective.

@Capricorn3 Why are you strongly advising therapy even now? I said that most, if not all the problems regarding my controlling behaviour are gone. The only thing that still remains is the need I feel from time to time. For example, 3 or 4 weeks ago I felt the need to take her phone and look through it, but I didn't do it. I kept telling myself that it is wrong and unfair so I didn't do it. Isn't this some sort of progress on its on? Am I just fooling myself and I haven't changed one bit? I know it's hard for me to be objective.

Because, with all due respect, when reading your latest post, it made it even more clear that you need professional help to sort out all of your issues. Yes, your past most definitely HAS affected you and your way of thinking, and I am sorry, but no, you will NOT simply sort it out yourself. You will find you will always keep going back to your paranoia and controlling ways. As much as you like to convince yourself otherwise, it aint gonna happen (imo).

So, even if I managed to fully control my behaviour, I fully acknowledge my problems and I am trying as hard as I can to continue working on myself, even if alone, it is not enough. Then, if even this isn't doing any good, what possible major difference could professional help do to me? Other issues I used to have in the past, like the alcohol or aggresivity towards other people, I solved them years ago and I never felt any need to go back to them. I really can't see what huge difference any professional help could do at this point. What's left to be done? Am I not seeing something here? The only issues I have left which I could never fix, and I am aware of these too, are totally unrelated to my relationship and they are a torment to myself alone. I criticise myself extremely hard, mostly using my father words, that's it. You are saying that even with all the progress I've made, both in my relationship and in my life, it's more clear now that I need help? I like to think of myself as an intelligent man, but I can't find the logic here. So I see three options here, i am either stupid, insane or right (partially at least). What I know for sure is that I am confused right now.