Your opinion in this particular situation of friends with ex

I am in a new relationship (approaching 6 mo. Him 38/me32) that is very important to me.

He is the slightly jealous type, which overall is kind of cute to me and hasn't really caused any problems as of yet. He makes "jokes" and comments about small things that trigger his jealousy but we laugh it off and it never amounts to anything more than that.

I am close friends with my ex. While he knows this, and hasn't given me any ultimatums or anything, he has expressed his concern/dislike.

To give you some general idea - we broke up in 2013 so that's almost 4 years ago now. There is nothing romantic going on there - in fact there wasn't anything romantic/sexual going on the last 2+ years of our 5 year relationship (which is a good part of why we broke up, we were more friends than anything) - so if you think of it that way it's half a decade ago now!

Anyway considering the circumstances is this something that you couldn't tolerate or understand in your new relationship if you were in my bf's shoes?

Normally it isn't super relevant in our lives - it doesn't come up at all. But today for example I am taking him out for a birthday dinner and we will exchange late "christmas gifts" xmas was always a big thing for him growing up so he has always gotten me tons of gifts so I kind of feel obligated to do the same year after year. (I don't like buying gifts it's so stressful for me to do it the way he wants year after year but I don't know how to stop this either after all these years).

I haven't been able to tell him about this as of yet. I'm kind of unsure how to bring it up to my bf, and worried I would upset him. On one hand if I tell him it feels like rubbing it in. If I don't tell it feels like I am hiding.

Anyway considering the circumstances is this something that you couldn't tolerate or understand in your new relationship if you were in my bf's shoes?

If this is your bottom line, and the question you're asking.....no, I wouldn't tolerate it. And I wouldn't ask that the ex be un-friended. I would just leave.

On one hand if I tell him it feels like rubbing it in. If I don't tell it feels like I am hiding.

I would tell him. If you can't have a relationship based on trust, you don't have a relationship at all.

Well, I would tolerate some level of communication with the Ex, but a dinner with lots of gifts? Not so much. You need to let the EX know that you have a new relationship to nourish, and this kind of encounter is over-the-top (In my humble opinion).

No I wouldn't tolerate it really. He's seen you naked. He was part of your life, and no need to be now.

I'd venture to guess most people wouldn't be cool with it. Personally, it'd probably take some getting to know the particular ex before I was totally comfortable with it. If you plan on continuing your close friendship, then it'd be best to give full disclosure. If your current guy can't deal, I'm sure you'd eventually find someone who could, but that would beg the question of whether you could likewise handle their looser boundaries.

Really, simply doing it over coffee or lunch rather than dinner, for as arbitrary as that sounds, would gain you a whole lot more ground trying to navigate through this with your current dude.

No, I wouldn't like it either. I agree with j.man that coffee or lunch, rather than spending an entire evening with your ex, would be more appropriate; even if your current fella appreciates that your ex is just a friend, it's disrespectful to your relationship.

And if YOU don't respect your relationship, your ex won't either.

The ex SHOULD be in the background even if he is a friend once you meet someone new. If you are treating your ex like your bestie, and not just someone you are merely friendly with, I would not put up with that in a relationship. If you think your new guy is too possessive - that he gets jealous when you talk to ANY guy, even the cashier at the gas station, then that's a warning sign. But if you are too invested in your male friend who is also your former lover, then that is where you also need to look at some adjustments. If you go to movies together one on one with your ex, not in a group and not with your guy included or he is otherwise given similar status to one of your close girlfriends, then you need to create some boundaries.

But today for example I am taking him out for a birthday dinner and we will exchange late "christmas gifts" xmas was always a big thing for him growing up so he has always gotten me tons of gifts so I kind of feel obligated to do the same year after year. (I don't like buying gifts it's so stressful for me to do it the way he wants year after year but I don't know how to stop this either after all these years).

Oh no, dear, you need to stop this. It was appropriate when you were dating, but not now. I think that the TWO of you should meet your ex for dinner with other friends and that you should also address that you are uncomfortable with the number of gifts he gives you and that maybe its time to move on from that. I would be super uncomfortable - and I am not a jealous person - if an ex girlfriend showered my guy with gifts even if she was a girlfriend only a long time ago. If your ex can't handle socializing with the two of you as a couple, then he is not your friend.

My sister is friends with a guy she dated briefly along time ago (very briefly in college. She didn't date him for any real length of time), but she is also friends with HIS WIFE and my sis's husband (boyfriend when he was just her boyfriend) socialized as a couple with them. There is no one on one meetings

My ex would be fine meeting my bf. I don't think my bf would want to meet my ex so i wouldn't put him in that position.

I don't have dinner with my ex every week or anything like that maybe once or twice a year.

To give you an example of how uncomfortable my bf is about the topic: Sometimes when i will be late home from work, i will ask my ex to stop by my apt to let my dog (formerly our dog) out to pee, feed her etc. Im not even home when this happens and most of the time he is gone before i ever make it home.

We've known each other for 10 years now so he is more like a brother to me now. There is nothing romantic there.

So how would i go about telling ex about the no presents thing. I hate the whole xmas present buying thing anyway. Stresses me out. And we don't really know that well what to buy each other anymore anyway. Like now i have to worry about returning thia coffee machine thing.

And now M will ask who gave you that etc. Its just a mess. Ugh.

My ex would be fine meeting my bf. I don't think my bf would want to meet my ex so i wouldn't put him in that position.

 

I don't have dinner with my ex every week or anything like that maybe once or twice a year.

 

To give you an example of how uncomfortable my bf is about the topic: Sometimes when i will be late home from work, i will ask my ex to stop by my apt to let my dog (formerly our dog) out to pee, feed her etc. Im not even home when this happens and most of the time he is gone before i ever make it home.

 

We've known each other for 10 years now so he is more like a brother to me now. There is nothing romantic there.

You are already deciding what your boyfriend wants before you even know. You are protecting this inappropriate friendship by making the excuse that "he wouldn't want to meet him anyways"...

I think what it comes down to is that you have poor boundaries. Your ex has a key to your apartment or house, you have lavish gift giving with your ex and will not tell him no and you are keeping him a secret friend by assuming your boyfriend wouldn't want to meet him so avoid setting it up. Its time to break the dependency.

- You need to hire a dog sitter for you to call if you are running late form work. Also, honestly, most dogs are fine if they eat one hour later than normal. You also have a boyfriend. When you broke up, the dog is now yours solely. You may have gotten the dog while you were together, but it was decided that you kept the dog, and it does not give him license to have a key to your place. Maybe during the transition time after breaking up, but its been awhile. Its one thing if you can't have the dog anymore because of debiltating illness that makes you unable to have a dog or move overseas for him to be first in line to be the dog's new owner, but what you are doing is rediculous.

I had the pets after a divorce. I took them to the vet when they were sick, I covered all their bills. When I had a function to go to, I had my parents watch them at their house, etc., and I researched dog sitters and pet resorts if I had an emergency. I never ever called my ex to consult about my pets. You need to move on and do the same.

- You need to stop meeting up with your ex for private dinners. You do this by declining invites. You tell him that since you are broken up and you have a boyfriend, its time to end the gift giving tradition. And you invite him out with you AND your boyfriend and if he declines, well then that speaks of everything.

You should be friends - as in that you are not enemies - but you are awfully too close for comfort.

The biggest problem is that you are keeping him from your boyfriend. Any time that a woman makes it so a boyfriend can't meet a guy friend, its suspicious, just like i conveniently could never meet my ex's close female friend. He always happened to run into her while I was at work, out of town, or something. Turns out my suspicions were correct. If you are doing nothing suspicious, don't act like its suspicious. For all he knows, your ex has a key and sneaks over to have an afternoon delight with you or there is way more going on because you act that there is. Time to let go! If you are to be friends - you can strike up a friendship later down the road when you naturally run into eachother and your protective feelings are gone. But for now - limit your contact and fully move on.

So how would i go about telling ex about the no presents thing. I hate the whole xmas present buying thing anyway. Stresses me out. And we don't really know that well what to buy each other anymore anyway. Like now i have to worry about returning thia coffee machine thing.

 

And now M will ask who gave you that etc. Its just a mess. Ugh.

I assume M is your boyfriend. Yes, you are hiding this all from him which is dead wrong. You either need to come clean with your boyfriend and tell him that you are meeting your ex to exchange Christmas presents and watch him walk out the door and be so done with this, or you tell your ex that you can't be sneaking behind your boyfriend's back any longer and either are above the board with your friendship or you don't have one. If you can' invite your boyfriend to this post Christmas meal because you are really uncomfortable doing so, then you know that this is absolutely not right.

I already told him he could meet him, he said he did not want to.

I don't really see why i should pay for a sitter when my ex/now my friend doesn't mind and misses my dog and its on his way home. For example today he stopped for my dog so i can go straight to my bf and spend more time with him (I work a lot of hours).

Just for some more perspective i want to add some more info. Right now if something happened to me, my ex would be my emergency contact. I don't have any family. I would of course eventually like my bf to be my emergency contact but we have been together only 6 months. If we were married it would be different. I have known my ex a decade which is 1/3 of my life. There is nothing romantic and nothing to hide.

I mean boundaries are subjective, so far be it from me to say yours are wrong, but they certainly do seem looser than a wizard's sleeve. I'm curious. Assuming these boundaries don't bring the relationship down and things do end up progressing with your guy, when exactly do you tell your ex, "OK, gonna need the keys back?"

I'm kinda perplexed on how it's all defaulted to the ex. Are there no other friends around whom you trust? Yeah, you might have to leave an extra bottle of wine on the counter for if a friend needs to stop by for the dog in the case of an emergency, but it'd go a long way in avoiding these sorts of obstacles. I know some pretty liberal and secure dudes... none of which would be hot on the idea of a 6-month girlfriend of theirs still giving her key out to her ex.

Again, I'm not challenging the ethics behind anything. If all of this is how you wanna do it, by all means. I'd be much more up front and sooner, though. And, just to not put it all on you, if your guy is really uncomfortable with it and knows he couldn't cope with it, he needs to step up and step out.

I already told him he could meet him, he said he did not want to.

 

I don't really see why i should pay for a sitter when my ex/now my friend doesn't mind and misses my dog and its on his way home. For example today he stopped for my dog so i can go straight to my bf and spend more time with him (I work a lot of hours).

 

Just for some more perspective i want to add some more info. Right now if something happened to me, my ex would be my emergency contact. I don't have any family. I would of course eventually like my bf to be my emergency contact but we have been together only 6 months. If we were married it would be different. I have known my ex a decade which is 1/3 of my life. There is nothing romantic and nothing to hide.

When I moved away from my family, I got triple A roadside service. Its cheap. If my car died, that's who I called. Get roadside assistance. Even now, I don't expect my brother to drop everything and bundle up his three year old and come tow my car. You should do that.

My emergency medically contact was my parents - they were the next of kin and could make medical decisions - by phone by fax and they would fly out if it were life and death. Your ex has no say on that.

What do you mean by no family? Are you an orphan? Were you an only child and your parents died? Very few young people truly have no family. I can see a 75 year old whose parents and siblings have passed on and was childless, but as a young woman, there has got to be an aunt, stepsibling, foster parent who raised you, etc.

I didn't just "move away from my family". I don't have a family. There is a difference.

Do you have 'the family you make for yourself' besides the ex?

The more you tell about it, the more it seems your ex is extremely important to you.

To me, it would feel a bit like you already have a pseudo partner. Like how some people keep exes around in those roles even though they are dating others or even having other relationships, but that ex relationship stays primary.

Some people might be ok with it, but yeah, I don't think it's uncommon for a partner to not like it or even stick around for it. It almost seems like an open arrangement, sharing your partner in those ways( even if it's not sexual at all).

I already told him he could meet him, he said he did not want to.

 

I don't really see why i should pay for a sitter when my ex/now my friend doesn't mind and misses my dog and its on his way home. For example today he stopped for my dog so i can go straight to my bf and spend more time with him (I work a lot of hours).

 

Just for some more perspective i want to add some more info. Right now if something happened to me, my ex would be my emergency contact. I don't have any family. I would of course eventually like my bf to be my emergency contact but we have been together only 6 months. If we were married it would be different. I have known my ex a decade which is 1/3 of my life. There is nothing romantic and nothing to hide.

You need to stop and let out your dog instead of having your ex let the dog out. A dog is your responsibility. If it delays you seeing your boyfriend by half an hour, that's what it is - or your boyfriend should come over.

"you can meet him" and "i have invited X" to dinner are two different things. I think your boyfriend is right, though, to be giving your ex the cold shoulder because you are just not being appropriate. You depend on him so much - most of it you don't need to do!

If any one is still reading - something occured to me. You need to stop being dependent on men in general. The ex is your crutch, and you say that there will be some duties that will be transferred to your boyfriend once you have been together long enough. That shouldn't be. Obviously, if you are married, then yes, the husband should be the emergency contact, but you need to rely on things and people that are not men unrelated to, or not your boss. Once you find ways of being independent, you will have a better dating life. You will not turn off dates and potential love interests because you are way too dependent on an ex and you will have the ability to let a relationship progress at its own pace and not progress because you need someone to be your emergency contact, caregiver, pet sitter or winter car digger outer. Start a circle of women that agree to call round robin call eachother if one of the others is in a bind, get AAA roadside assistance or find out what your insurance company offers, get a dog sitter or meet other people through a dog meetup group or through some other context where you can trade off dog sitting duties or if you have a skill in exchange to trade.

When you do all of this, you will be stronger than you have ever imagined and are in a position to make better choices. You won't push away a potential long term relationship (trust me, this ex thing will rear its head in a bigger way later as you get closer to your boyfriend or could prevent him from not making it a red flag), and you will have more approrpriate boundaries with your ex - who for whatever reason has no boundaries either and is still hanging on.

If any one is still reading - something occured to me. You need to stop being dependent on men in general. The ex is your crutch, and you say that there will be some duties that will be transferred to your boyfriend once you have been together long enough. That shouldn't be. Obviously, if you are married, then yes, the husband should be the emergency contact, but you need to rely on things and people that are not men unrelated to, or not your boss. Once you find ways of being independent, you will have a better dating life. You will not turn off dates and potential love interests because you are way too dependent on an ex and you will have the ability to let a relationship progress at its own pace and not progress because you need someone to be your emergency contact, caregiver, pet sitter or winter car digger outer. Start a circle of women that agree to call round robin call eachother if one of the others is in a bind, get AAA roadside assistance or find out what your insurance company offers, get a dog sitter or meet other people through a dog meetup group or through some other context where you can trade off dog sitting duties or if you have a skill in exchange to trade.

 

When you do all of this, you will be stronger than you have ever imagined and are in a position to make better choices. You won't push away a potential long term relationship (trust me, this ex thing will rear its head in a bigger way later as you get closer to your boyfriend or could prevent him from not making it a red flag), and you will have more approrpriate boundaries with your ex - who for whatever reason has no boundaries either and is still hanging on.

I have female friends too but my longest friendship is with my ex. I would also be his emergency contact if anything ever happened to him. We have previously taken care of each other when the other had major surgery. One of those times we were not a couple.

My ex would be fine meeting my bf. I don't think my bf would want to meet my ex so i wouldn't put him in that position.

 

We've known each other for 10 years now so he is more like a brother to me now. There is nothing romantic there.

People's boundaries are people's boundaries. Whether we like them or find them reasonable or not.

From my end, I would not date someone who was close friends with his ex to begin with.

Maybe its time to take a small baby step.

If you absolutely will not change your emergency contact, start with this:

Go home and let your dog out after work. if that means you see your bf an hour later, that's the case. You have a dog. That's what you do. Its a responsibility you have.

Start interviewing dog sitters. Find someone you like and a backup person. Someone bonded and who does it professionally. meet them and have them meet your dog. have them come at a regular time for your date night - maybe you want to rush to see your boyfriend on friday night. have the dog sitter come and let your dog out as a trial every week and then you'll know that you have someone you can call when you are going to go on a trip INSTEAD of the ex.

By not having a dog sitter, or just going home to let out your dog like dog owners do, you are creating a situation where you need your ex when you don't really need him.

Now let that go on for awhile and see - its not so bad.

Then work on the other thing. There was a time I had no emergency contact at all on any of my forms. Actually, the emergency contact should be "if I am unconscious, call my dog sitter" and therefore your pet is taken care of if you are in the hospital for a few days. You can draw up legal documents that you can make physicians aware of such as a living will for your medical directives, etc.

If you won't do that yet, then maybe just take the dog babystep and feel the freedom.

Also, if you knew no one on earth but your ex and you didn't talk much but he was still the emergency contact because it hadn't been changed, your bf might not have such a problem - the big problems are the day to day relationship and dependence you have.

Maybe its time to take a small baby step.

 

If you absolutely will not change your emergency contact, start with this:

 

Go home and let your dog out after work. if that means you see your bf an hour later, that's the case. You have a dog. That's what you do. Its a responsibility you have.

 

Start interviewing dog sitters. Find someone you like and a backup person. Someone bonded and who does it professionally. meet them and have them meet your dog. have them come at a regular time for your date night - maybe you want to rush to see your boyfriend on friday night. have the dog sitter come and let your dog out as a trial every week and then you'll know that you have someone you can call when you are going to go on a trip INSTEAD of the ex.

 

By not having a dog sitter, or just going home to let out your dog like dog owners do, you are creating a situation where you need your ex when you don't really need him.

 

Now let that go on for awhile and see - its not so bad.

 

Then work on the other thing. There was a time I had no emergency contact at all on any of my forms. Actually, the emergency contact should be "if I am unconscious, call my dog sitter" and therefore your pet is taken care of if you are in the hospital for a few days. You can draw up legal documents that you can make physicians aware of such as a living will for your medical directives, etc.

 

If you won't do that yet, then maybe just take the dog babystep and feel the freedom.

 

Also, if you knew no one on earth but your ex and you didn't talk much but he was still the emergency contact because it hadn't been changed, your bf might not have such a problem - the big problems are the day to day relationship and dependence you have.

I can do that's the dog issue is mostly a convenience one however one issue is it was his dog too so I feel a bit bad denying him play time with her. Usually it happens when I'm not even there anyway.

I'd much rather get rid of the bday/Xmas rituals/dinners and have him see my (formerly our) dog once in a while. It's cruel to cut that off no? He can see her while I'm not even there. What's the harm?

If your current boyfriend is important to you, tell him what you've shared here. Don't hide anything from him. Then let his reaction be your guide.

Personally, I would probably have a big problem with your ex's degree of involvement in your life, and the excuses that you are making for it. Your current boyfriend may not. But give him the option of making that decision.