I am a female of 26 years old.
I've been the scapegoat in my family since I remember.
It got worse when I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa at age of 18.
I've battled also with depression, and many things in between.
At the moment I live and work with my family - mother, uncle, grandmother, grandfather,...
We run a business and it involves a lot of money so the unhealthy dynamics can get really crazy and hardcore because... well because it involves money.
I am in a good place emotionally, somehow I feel I am out of body and recognize the patterns and can detached from them.
But, as you can imagine, living like this is exhausting because it requires me to be always in control (of myself and environment) so they do not control me.
Also, I know that if I stay here there's a high probability in me becoming a narcissistic , because, well, because I will not be able to break the cycle alone, and nobody really wants to break the cycle. They are starting to respect some of the boundaries I create but, honestly, they are not changing, so it will always be a fragile and toxic environment. Also, I will not enforce change upon them because I've been in that role and I've learned that nobody has the authority to force something in another. That would be cycle perpetuating.
But, it's like being the only one with sight in a blind world and I would really appreciate human connection with self awareness from the other part, for a change...
Also, in these years of existence I've repeated the pattern outside my family so, basically, I mostly have BPD's and NPD's in my social life. And now, those relationships do not make sense any more... I don't regret/blame/despise/in-comprehend them or anything... I just want something more "real" - at lack of a better word.
So, please... give me some insight. What would you do?
I'm chained because, despite being wealthy, I will not be supported financially if I leave. And I am not receiving a lot monthly - portuguese minimum wage aprox - because I do not deserve it yet.
Quitting would be a scandal and i do not know the repercussions since I'm living with my grandparents (the patriarch and matriarch of the family) that would be appalled with my choice to quit (the bussines they've created for us/me). Then the scapegoat dynamic would be a lot worse.
So, what should I do? What are the first steps to take so I can successfully leave this dynamic and have a hope in finding happiness.
It's been really hard. It's been tiring. I've been able to forgive but now I just want to be at peace...
Please do not take me as narcissist or something. I've been, for so many years blaming myself for everything and I will not take it any more, but I do not want to sound blaming. I am really just searching for some kind of solution...