Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: What should I do?

  1. #1
    bgirl
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9
    Thanked
    6

    What should I do?

    Hello all,

    I am a female of 26 years old.

    I've been the scapegoat in my family since I remember.

    It got worse when I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa at age of 18.

    I've battled also with depression, and many things in between.

    At the moment I live and work with my family - mother, uncle, grandmother, grandfather,...

    We run a business and it involves a lot of money so the unhealthy dynamics can get really crazy and hardcore because... well because it involves money.

    I am in a good place emotionally, somehow I feel I am out of body and recognize the patterns and can detached from them.

    But, as you can imagine, living like this is exhausting because it requires me to be always in control (of myself and environment) so they do not control me.

    Also, I know that if I stay here there's a high probability in me becoming a narcissistic , because, well, because I will not be able to break the cycle alone, and nobody really wants to break the cycle. They are starting to respect some of the boundaries I create but, honestly, they are not changing, so it will always be a fragile and toxic environment. Also, I will not enforce change upon them because I've been in that role and I've learned that nobody has the authority to force something in another. That would be cycle perpetuating.

    But, it's like being the only one with sight in a blind world and I would really appreciate human connection with self awareness from the other part, for a change...

    Also, in these years of existence I've repeated the pattern outside my family so, basically, I mostly have BPD's and NPD's in my social life. And now, those relationships do not make sense any more... I don't regret/blame/despise/in-comprehend them or anything... I just want something more "real" - at lack of a better word.

    So, please... give me some insight. What would you do?

    I'm chained because, despite being wealthy, I will not be supported financially if I leave. And I am not receiving a lot monthly - portuguese minimum wage aprox - because I do not deserve it yet.

    Quitting would be a scandal and i do not know the repercussions since I'm living with my grandparents (the patriarch and matriarch of the family) that would be appalled with my choice to quit (the bussines they've created for us/me). Then the scapegoat dynamic would be a lot worse.

    So, what should I do? What are the first steps to take so I can successfully leave this dynamic and have a hope in finding happiness.

    It's been really hard. It's been tiring. I've been able to forgive but now I just want to be at peace...

    Please do not take me as narcissist or something. I've been, for so many years blaming myself for everything and I will not take it any more, but I do not want to sound blaming. I am really just searching for some kind of solution...

  2. #2
    gebaird
    Platinum Member gebaird's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    An island of peace in an ocean of chaos
    Posts
    1,854
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    1961
    I'd recommend reading the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. It talks about the ability to choose your response to any situation, even an unimaginably difficult one.

    Your metaphor about being the only one with sight in a blind world is powerful. Sometimes that sight comes at a cost -- it creates dissatisfaction, because you can see the dysfunction while everyone else is just following a program. But with that sight comes mindfulness. Even if you must continue working in the family business (not commenting on the truth or falsehood of that statement, only you know for certain what your options really are), you can use your free time to cultivate compassion and exercise empathy. You could consider taking a sabbatical to do volunteer work, perhaps. Finding a way to make a difference for others could make an enormous difference for you.

    Perhaps you will be the one to change things in your family and the business they run. Maybe you have little influence now, but who knows? Down the road you may be in a position to make a significant impact.

  3. #3
    Wiseman2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    22,428
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    16627
    Agree trying to control everything and everyone is exhausting. Eating disorders, as you know, are all about control and toxic family dynamics, not food. Continue whatever therapy you are in .
    Quote Originally Posted by bgirl [Register to see the link]
    I am a female of 26 years old. I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa at age of 18. I've battled also with depression, and many things in between. living like this is exhausting because it requires me to be always in control of myself and environment so they do not control me.

  4. Thanks gebaird thanked for this post
  5. #4
    DancingFool
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    6,612
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    5399
    Narcissist do not blame themselves for anything. They are perfect. Also, you either are a narcissist or you aren't. If you aren't you are not going to turn into one.

    I think you need to be careful about getting too lost in too much pop psychology about what you are, what you might become, etc, etc, etc.

    Every family is dysfunctional to some extent. Working in a family business IS extremely hard precisely because boundaries are often too blurry. So, if you have been working on boundaries and you are seeing positive results from that, keep on at it. Creating boundaries when none existed before is a long slow road, but given your situation, a highly worthwhile one.

    Outside of that, your post is a bit confusing. You talk about financial wealth, but you only make minimum wage and then you go on to say you don't deserve more at your age????? You also go on to say that you don't have funds because of that to move on......so.....what's really the situation here? Are they making you work your way up from the bottom or are they just taking advantage of cheap family labor and controlling your life that way while they are at is to where you don't have the means to move away??

  6. Thanks Wiseman2 thanked for this post
Top Threads
She booked the wedding before they met?!
I am very worried for my cousin...got an invitation to his wedding which is under two months time. They have been together for five months. I
I resent my parents...am I overreacting?
I really cant stand my parents. I think over the years they've emotionally abused me. My dad and mom do not love each other. When I was younger, my
My sister contacts my adult daughter too much
This sounds trivial but its bothersome. My older sister is contacting my grown daughter way too much - sending lots of texts and emails and being
mum hanging out with my friends!
Right here goes! My dad left my mum just over a year ago. I felt sorry for my mum as she has no friends so I invited her to come join myself and my
Co-Parenting Not Working Out So Well
I am married, have been for a year, and my husband has two children from previous relationships. I have an 8 year old stepson and 4 year old
Disappointing my grandmother because I don't want to move in with her.
For a few months now I've had tentative plans to move from california to czech republic to be with my grandmother. my family is small & she doesn't
My mom wished death on me
My mom has said some very mean and nasty things to me and I can't seem to get past it. it's really bothering me because I knew If i had a daughter

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
The ex that wouldn't go away
I am engaged to the woman of my dreams. After a couple dates I told everyone I was going to marry her. She told her friends the same. My only hang up
Crying
IM A 63 YEAR OLD WOMAN ,and my life has turned upside down. I cry day and night. For some damn reason I'm lost , alone and just cant figure things
SO (girl of 23) doubting our relationship, won't let go of ex
So currently going through a very complicated situation with my SO. I started seeing this girl in November of last year, while she was still with
My friend has no life...No job and currently lives at home. At nearly 30
One of my very good friends has always been the impressionable type. When I encouraged her to have stronger boundaries, to be less passive and to
Ex is getting married
Hi, I went into no contact with my ex around 14 weeks ago. I had decided that there's nothing left for me to do or say that would bring her back to
Friendless and Lonely
Hi all, I've decided to turn to an online forum for advice on a current friendship issue. I want to say thank you in advance to those who take the
Swapping childcare, she stopped responding...
Background: I struggle with intimacy and relationships in general. Coming from abuse and neglect means I've always struggled with trusting others
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •