i just want to be happy?

Its been a while like this. Im crying every night. I am supposed to get married next month and im in love with my fiance. But all I think about is death.i feel like the ones I love will die or I will die im afraid of the thought that we all eventually die. Im also feeling pressured by others cuz I. Keeping my thoughts to myself so they just go on nagging and complaining because of me which add up to my feeling of wanting to self harm myself again (I used to do it before). I abuse myself with thought of my sweet loving fiance being mad at me or hating me for always being depressed and ruining his happiness although he treat me nicely and take care of me I still hide these thoughts from him cuz im afraid he would secretly hate me. Like my sister secretly hate me because of things I used to do when I was a kid. She tells me im mean if I am angry she makes a fight if I don't confide in her. I also am diagnoised with stomatic symptoms disorder and but I avoid therapy thus I am in big problem and in constant pain . I am just looking for someone to advice me. Anything and you can be mean with words ill take it.

Agree with your bf that getting professional advice and help with these things would make you feel a lot better than talking to siblings or friends about it.

My fiance tried taking me to psychiatrist and counsellor.

Why are you avoiding therapy? If it's for financial reasons, perhaps your employer can help (a lot of companies offer in house counseling, depending on what you're doing of course). Counseling would be a good idea, you could go bi-weekly/twice a month. I think that would be a good idea for you.

It sounds like you are suffering from severe anxiety, depression, and possibly more. Therapy can only help you, and you may want to consider medication as a possible solution as well. Your internal struggles will eventually create external problems. Better to face them now than to wait until they catch up to you later.

thanatophobia is the fear of dying/people dying. I know because I've been through it myself as part of my anxiety. Seek therapy it can really help.

Depression is a serious illness. Yes I said illness. You need to see a medical doctor and probably a counselor also. Crying every night is not normal unless u are dealing with the loss of a loved one or some other recent loss. Depression can be treated effectively in most cases. Sometimes with medicine. Sometimes with counseling. Sometimes with both. Get help now. Help is out there. You can find it!!!

We all have our fear .I think you have to remind your self that you can not change anything by thinking . And forget about what you can not control , like dying ...etc. That's what I do.

But if your fear becomes an obsession or an illness , than I think you should listen to your fiance for consultation.

Hope you the best.