Anxious man

Hello guys,

Just an update on this guy I mentioned before behaving strangely. He's admitted to having anxiety problems now, and said he's having a lot of "anxiety dreams" so we're not gonna meet up til he's a bit less stressed along with other things. He mentioned being very worried about letting people down, having self loathing and often wanting to be in control.

I'm not looking to jump into a relationship quickly right now (considering my heath problems for one) so I have no issue with holding off for a week or two and taking things slow, just getting to know him or something. I'm just not sure if it's even a good idea to get romantically involved with someone who's quite so anxious, right from the start.

He's incredibly sweet and makes me feel really safe and respected though. Along with being really talented...I just don't know. Especially with my terrible track record of men recently. Don't really trust myself. Although I suppose I approached him first (as a friend) so that's different from all these other guys.

Anyone know anything about this kind of anxiety? Just want to understand better I guess.

Thanks as always, for your time.

Not a good idea to get involved. Don't. Too many serious issues right from the start. The self-loathing and the anxiety are huge red flags.

Not a good idea, in fact it would be a very bad idea. If real, his issues are not going to get resolved within a week or 2, if ever.

Hello guys,

 

Just an update on this guy I mentioned before behaving strangely. He's admitted to having anxiety problems now, and said he's having a lot of "anxiety dreams" so we're not gonna meet up til he's a bit less stressed along with other things. He mentioned being very worried about letting people down, having self loathing and often wanting to be in control.

 

I'm not looking to jump into a relationship quickly right now (considering my heath problems for one) so I have no issue with holding off for a week or two and taking things slow, just getting to know him or something. I'm just not sure if it's even a good idea to get romantically involved with someone who's quite so anxious, right from the start.

 

He's incredibly sweet and makes me feel really safe and respected though. Along with being really talented...I just don't know. Especially with my terrible track record of men recently. Don't really trust myself. Although I suppose I approached him first (as a friend) so that's different from all these other guys.

 

Anyone know anything about this kind of anxiety? Just want to understand better I guess.

 

Thanks as always, for your time.

You should probably Google anxiety, and pay particular attention to reputable psychology publications. That would be your most accurate source.

If you don't trust your judgement, err on the side of safety.

It sounds like on top of being nervous, shy, awkward, etc. He's not used to very forward women who sleep over on the first meet and want sex right away. Overall it seems he's too difficult to get to know or get close to.

met up with a guy who I really admire as a performer and we ended up kissing and I stayed round his. I tried to give him a kiss in bed and he just went very still. He offered me a tshirt to wear in bed and I wore it, then while we were in bed he would flatten the tshirt out so it covered me fully, over and over.

"He mentioned being very worried about letting people down, having self loathing and often wanting to be in control."

Danger danger RUN!!!!!! Do not get involved with this guy. Your picker is still severely broken. You left an abusive relationship and this guy will be round two. He is not sweet, my dear, he is dangerous. Stay far far far away from insecure controlling guys. This one at least warned you up front he is broken and bad news. Have the sense to walk away fast.

Btw, him warning you is not a "sweet" thing. It's buyer beware. If you sign up for what follows, he doesn't have to feel guilty or bad about it, because you were warned and accepted it. So please, keep away from him. You seriously need to discuss with your therapist how you seem to misconstrue sweet and why you feel comfortable around men who are bad news.

Self loathing and controlling, a very dangerous combination. Now that he has let you know, believe him and realise that this is a very bad combination for someone you might chose as a partner. You have the choice, you should move on and make another choice. There are heaps of men out there, keep looking.

Btw, the incredibly sweet bit will wear off very quickly with the other issues your mentioned. Don't knowingly walk into another abusive relationship.

Don't string him along as a friends first deal.

It sounds like he's trying to breakup or slow things down, especially your sleepovers and forwardness..

Try to get the creepometer adjusted.

he's having a lot of "anxiety dreams" so we're not gonna meet up til he's a bit less stressed along with other things. He mentioned being very worried about letting people down, having self loathing and often wanting to be in control. I suppose I approached him first as a friend so that's different from all these other guys.

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He's the one who asked to see me again in the first place Wiseman! And asked to meet me for a drink and told me he fancied me! And I didn't try and sleep with him! I just found him very shy mixed with very keen and was confused about his behavior. But now I know that's cause he's anxious.

Yeah the control thing doesn't sound good. This has all been over messages though so I'm still gonna give him the benefit of the doubt if we do meet up. Text can get misunderstood.

I think he does have issues though and I'm gonna stay aware of that. However I wasn't thinking he'd be abusive from these comments. I just thought maybe he'd be a bit too anxious to date perhaps. I think I'll just back off a bit. I have been doing that and he keeps coming back so the anxiety isn't stoping him want to chat.

The one thing you have to watch out for is people who try to look shy and broken and make you feel sorry for them and like they need to be looked after or saved. It's these kind of people who use those tactics to reel people in and then use emotional manipulation to gain control. I am not saying that this is who he is, but he did say he wants to be in control. That use of words can be very telling, even in people with anxiety, besides the fact of saying he's self loathing?! That can't ever be good. You want someone who is maybe not perfect, but not someone who is close to needing to be sanctioned, either.

You make a good point SherrySher

Thanks.

It is quite a lot of information to give someone you don't know that well isn't it? I mean we've been chatting for about two weeks since we met up but still. And he went from being really excited to meet when I said yes to saying he's really anxious when I said I couldn't meet this week, "so we should do something in the next few weeks". I also asked if I could ring him once and he said he was too shy for me to call. There's a lot going on with him....

You make a good point SherrySher

 

Thanks.

 

It is quite a lot of information to give someone you don't know that well isn't it? I mean we've been chatting for about two weeks since we met up but still. And he went from being really excited to meet when I said yes to saying he's really anxious when I said I couldn't meet this week, "so we should do something in the next few weeks". I also asked if I could ring him once and he said he was too shy for me to call. There's a lot going on with him....

The more you post......the more I'm scared for you.....

There is so so so much wrong with this picture and so many red flags, you could supply all of China and still have a ton left over. Please please please give a pass on this guy. This desire of yours to give the benefit of the doubt will get you into a lot of trouble when you ignore such a forest of red flags. There is no benefit of the doubt here - he is absolutely broken, damaged goods you need stay far far away from.

Also, yes, damaged people will spew information and share a lot of intimate stuff about themselves that shouldn't be shared. It is actually a form of emotional manipulation. It creates an instant sense of closeness, bond, aaww this person is entrusting me with such sensitive info and now I feel all warm and fuzzy about it. Please please please heed the red flags, pay attention to the crazy and RUUUUUUUN. Do not allow yourself to get suckered into his chaos. One messed up abusive relationship is enough in one lifetime, ok? Don't go for round two or three. Make it a rule for yourself - if he isn't acting normal, you walk immediately. No second guessing, no benefit of the doubt, no giving things more time because when you do that, you are getting attached and entangled deeper and deeper where getting out becomes hard. Do please try to become just a wee bit more firm about walking away from someone who is so obviously a serious problem and will end badly for you.

I love your red flags in China metaphor haha!

He only shares stuff via texts really. He just seems a bit like his comedy character and him are intertwined now. The self deprecating etc. Hard to tell the act from the truth.

But no it's not particularly normal. Haha

Especially with my terrible track record of men recently. Don't really trust myself.

 

Anyone know anything about this kind of anxiety?

Ok 2 things

1) you are right to hold off. Im not saying necessarily 100% don't date the guy, but definitely back off and take a breather. How did you meet him? Do you know any of his family or friends? (close friends) Can you talk to anybody who knows about him, his character, his past, anything? If not, just based on what he told you right off the bat, I would backoff and be very cautious.

2) Yes I do know about anxiety. I know stress and anxiety go hand in hand. But at the end of the day stress & anxiety are just that, and there can be a million and one reasons why someone is feeling that way, but it usually comes down to lack of confidence in themselves or too much on their plate (or the perception of too much). Again, a lot of reasons why this can be. But its a rabbit hole, very common one, but one that you would need to slowly get to know someone to understand. I dont like using the term "red flag" but what signs are you seeing (which your gut told you, thats why you took the time to come here and write on this topic). The signs you are seeing is: he came right out at the start and told you his anxiety, his self loathing, and wanting control. The wanting control, btw, especially when verbally expressed like that, can manifest in many ways...

All in all, but he is probably is not ready to be dating at this point in his life.

Hello guys,

 

Just an update on this guy I mentioned before behaving strangely. He's admitted to having anxiety problems now, and said he's having a lot of "anxiety dreams" so we're not gonna meet up til he's a bit less stressed along with other things. He mentioned being very worried about letting people down, having self loathing and often wanting to be in control.

 

I'm not looking to jump into a relationship quickly right now (considering my heath problems for one) so I have no issue with holding off for a week or two and taking things slow, just getting to know him or something. I'm just not sure if it's even a good idea to get romantically involved with someone who's quite so anxious, right from the start.

 

He's incredibly sweet and makes me feel really safe and respected though. Along with being really talented...I just don't know. Especially with my terrible track record of men recently. Don't really trust myself. Although I suppose I approached him first (as a friend) so that's different from all these other guys.

 

Anyone know anything about this kind of anxiety? Just want to understand better I guess.

 

Thanks as always, for your time.

Love your creepometer

Turns out the dudes got genital herpes. Explains a lot! Massively sucks though too

But he's not a creep. He's actually really lovely, was just worried about telling me I think.

Don't add that to the mix of all the other urogenital issues. Condoms may not help you there. Get tested for that as well.

Turns out the dudes got genital herpes.

He turned out to be a waste of time so you were all right. I didn't have sex or go near his herpes area though so...no herpes for me yaaay!

He basically said he wasn't ready for a relationship but that he wanted to get to know me better, he just couldn't promise anything growing cause he's "emotionally distant" now....I asked if he was seeing any other girls and he said yes, then backtracked and said she was someone from a tinder date in the past who was just turning up at his gig and he was not going to sit with her...but it all didn't sit right with me so I'm not getting involved with him any more.

Oddly, now I don't reply to him for a day or more (if ever) and he has been responding right back and telling me he will bring my top I left at his to my gig. I think he is either messed up and unaware of his behaviour or he is aware of it and treats women pretty badly. Either way, best left alone.

The way he told me about the herpes led me to believe he was hardly ever intimate with other women and that it was all very difficult for him because of his past so I was being sympathetic and patient, but now I know he's not committed and is possibly spreading his herpes around I don't want anything to do with him.