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Thread: Single parents on here?

  1. #1
    Alyshayo
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    Single parents on here?

    I'd like to hear from single parents on here. How do you do it. How many kids do you have? Is it very very hard? How did you come to the point where you decided to become a single parent? I'm a unhappily married mother of 3 plus take care of my 15 year old sister. I want out, but I'm afraid.

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    IThinkICan
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    I am a single parent of 2 with primary custody. He gets them every other weekend. I've been their primary parent and breadwinner since.... i dunno. 4 and 7 years old maybe. Or 5 and 8. I am healthy, smart, overwhelmed by detail, a poor self advocate, and well employed

    Is it hard? Yes.

    Is it very very hard? It was sometimes, yes. So hard I shook. Literally just shook, as if I had detox problems.

    Was I afraid? Yes. Was it expensive, lonely, disruptive? Yes, all of those things.

    Was it a good decision? Absolutely. Hands down. No doubt.

    Was it good for my children? Again, yes. No doubt. Because I made sure it was. And this is ESSENTIAL. MY POSITIVE PARENTING WAS KEY TO OUR SUCCESS.

    If you struggle with therapeutic conversations, learn how to heal yourself, get support for you and them, and start healing yourself NOW. Your kids will need these skills. Force yourself to say good things only, constructive things only, no matter the topic or audience. Find a way. Your kids need to see unconditional love. Start with yourself. Then, love him. Yes, him. How far apart from him do you need to be to accept him as he is. Then you can safely decide wht to do.

    Was it good for my career? Oh, heck no. Awful.

    Was it good for my personal growth? Best thing ever: Because i made sure it was.

    Was the personal growth good for my career? Breakthrough good.

    How did I get go that point? My tipping point was when I realized our kids had been playing with his gfs kids. It did not seem odd to them that dad had two houses while we were married (though in theory, the second one was hers he alredy was comfortable in it).

    I waited too long. I focused on him, when i needed to use my own timeline. How is MY emotinal health. What do I need to do to get stronger? Happier?

  3. #3
    IThinkICan
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    How is your relationship with your kids? With your friends, religious community, work network?

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    Alyshayo
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    I have a great relationship with all of my kids. Our relationship is always my number one concern, which actually makes my husband mad because he wants himself to be number one. I tried to explain that they even come before me but it didn't help. I have a few pretty close friends and one very very close friend who is my neighbour. I'm very involved in our church community and have a lot of great friends there to. Work friends are also good. All of these my husband dislikes of course because he think they "change me" for some reason. I wish he could just be normal so we could be happy, I'm realizing o can't change him tho.

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    shellyf62
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    I became a single parent when I discovered my ex was cheating. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding. Money was tight, there wasn't any treats or holidays, but we had a happy home.
    My 2 Children & I have a great relationship, we are very close, and they know they can rely on me for anything.

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    charity
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    I am a single parent to two kids aged 8 and 10. We've been split up since they were toddlers. Its fine for me to be honest. I really like it. I don't find it hard now at all, perhaps because being in a relationship that isn't working is so hard in comparison.
    We made the decision to split because we were fighting non stop, incompatible in so many ways. I don't have it in me to accept being miserable for a long time and the relationship at that time was so obviously WRONG for both of us so we called it a day.
    When the split first happened and the kids were very young it was difficult. But I think that was more the difficulty of having young kids, close together in age, rather than doing it by myself. In time it got easier and now we all get along great. I never speak bad about their Dad, he never speaks bad about me. That helps, the less animosity the better (if possible).
    My country has a good welfare system for single parents so that was a great help to me. I worked part time alongside that for years. Then I went back to university to get a degree (final year now). Money is tight but we have our necessities and some treats so I think we're very lucky. Our home is a happy one.
    As IthinkIcan said, personal growth is everything and will take you where you need to go in life.

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    pippy longstocking
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    I am a single mother to one ...I had no choice but to leave her father with the help of the police when she was 15 months old . I only lived with one man ever again and he turned out to be a functioning alcoholic .
    My last relationship was over 5 years ago ...he dumped me 3 days before Christmas and put me on my knees with grief ( there is a whole story behind this ) but worse , my daughter loved him so much and he also walked away from her with not a word ......she was 11 yrs old and I decided there and then to NEVER bring another man near my daughter again ...and I haven't . Her own father doesn't want to know and most of my family are now dead ...... but you have to get on with it .

    I have moved from one end of the uk to the other with a kid tucked under my arm to start our lives again ..I have been in situations where I literally have had no one .. but you do it , you do anything to make life good for your children ..

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    pippy longstocking
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    I want to add something I think is very important .......Being a single mother with the father in the picture and being a single mother completely alone .

    I don't know you so I am not accusing you of anything or presuming anything ......

    Set out a plan from the start with the father .. Not only has he got the right to see his children but you will be glad of the break , the help and the support .
    Never use your children as pawns in the adult game of hatred and bitterness and never allow any man to do that either .
    Don't bad mouth him or question the children on his life , in short never ever put your children in the middle .

    Again I say , I am acusing you of anything ...I have just seen so much bad and ultimately it usually comes from the adults anger and bitterness and the children suffer . As I have had no support ever apart from my mum and aunt I can honestly say it can be terribly lonely . I remember so many times emily being poorly and having no one to turn to
    share my worries , my fears , no one to take the reigns for a while . I can recall about 8 years ago having to have a 7 am to 7pm appointment with the gas board , and I said I will have to nip out at 8.30 and 2.30 for school and the woman on the phone argued to hell and back with me that I have to find someone to take my daughter to school , she would not believe that I literally had no one to ask ...well I didn't ...I had just moved here ..there was no one . So a healthy relationship with the father makes life easier I can tell you that now ..so strive for that .

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    qwaspolk82
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alyshayo [Register to see the link]
    I'd like to hear from single parents on here. How do you do it. How many kids do you have? Is it very very hard? How did you come to the point where you decided to become a single parent? I'm a unhappily married mother of 3 plus take care of my 15 year old sister. I want out, but I'm afraid.
    You want out of your marriage or what exactly? If you're not happy have you talked to your husband? You should at least tell him and address whatever issues there are and maybe counseling before you file for divorce.

    Being a single parent is hard and not something you should go into lightly. If your husband is abusing you in any way then yes leave him. But if you're just in a slump give it a chance.

    I'm a single mom of one but she is a medically complex kid. She was born with a kidney disorder we didn't know about until she was six weeks old. So the last two years have been nothing but hospital admissions, ER visits, two surgeries, she's on dialysis now and so on. Every fever I have to take her to the ER. Even when I was married to her dad I still was doing this by myself as his meth was more important than us, than his other three kids, than anyone. He was abusive when withdrawling from it. He lied, stole and manipulated to get money to support that habit. I eventually had enough. I think my daughter is much better off without him around but sometimes it would be nice just if he could be even a half functioning adult that I could trust him to have her for a day or a weekend or that he could help out. But he's not. He's a 34 year old man child in rehab for the third time in 4 years and probably going to prison next month. He has no parenting time unless I say so because he felt that meth was more important than the divorce hearings. And that he couldn't spend 40 on a parenting class but could do anything to get 60 for some meth.

    Of course it's hard to be a single parent. Honestly it's hard to be a parent in general whether you are single or married or dating someone.

  11. #10
    IThinkICan
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    Quote Originally Posted by qwaspolk82 [Register to see the link]
    You want out of your marriage or what exactly? If you're not happy have you talked to your husband? You should at least tell him and address whatever issues there are and maybe counseling before you file for divorce.

    Being a single parent is hard and not something you should go into lightly. If your husband is abusing you in any way then yes leave him. But if you're just in a slump give it a chance.

    I'm a single mom of one but she is a medically complex kid. She was born with a kidney disorder we didn't know about until she was six weeks old. So the last two years have been nothing but hospital admissions, ER visits, two surgeries, she's on dialysis now and so on. Every fever I have to take her to the ER. Even when I was married to her dad I still was doing this by myself as his meth was more important than us, than his other three kids, than anyone. He was abusive when withdrawling from it. He lied, stole and manipulated to get money to support that habit. I eventually had enough. I think my daughter is much better off without him around but sometimes it would be nice just if he could be even a half functioning adult that I could trust him to have her for a day or a weekend or that he could help out. But he's not. He's a 34 year old man child in rehab for the third time in 4 years and probably going to prison next month. He has no parenting time unless I say so because he felt that meth was more important than the divorce hearings. And that he couldn't spend 40 on a parenting class but could do anything to get 60 for some meth.

    Of course it's hard to be a single parent. Honestly it's hard to be a parent in general whether you are single or married or dating someone.
    The sentiments in this post speak a truth: the unknown of our children's lives, and the idea "it would be nice if he could be xxx"

    If my ex were the man I wanted him to be, then he wouldn't be my ex, would he? Accepting my ex as he is required me to divorce; conversely, divorcing allowed me the independence necessary for me to accept him.

    Accept your husband AS HE IS. He will not change, and he will marry again etc. You will not have leverage over him as you do now (if that's relevant).

    Accept him. Where does that leave you?

    Addressing your own fear may itself change the dynamic of your marriage.

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