Single parents on here?

I'd like to hear from single parents on here. How do you do it. How many kids do you have? Is it very very hard? How did you come to the point where you decided to become a single parent? I'm a unhappily married mother of 3 plus take care of my 15 year old sister. I want out, but I'm afraid.

I am a single parent of 2 with primary custody. He gets them every other weekend. I've been their primary parent and breadwinner since.... i dunno. 4 and 7 years old maybe. Or 5 and 8. I am healthy, smart, overwhelmed by detail, a poor self advocate, and well employed

Is it hard? Yes.

Is it very very hard? It was sometimes, yes. So hard I shook. Literally just shook, as if I had detox problems.

Was I afraid? Yes. Was it expensive, lonely, disruptive? Yes, all of those things.

Was it a good decision? Absolutely. Hands down. No doubt.

Was it good for my children? Again, yes. No doubt. Because I made sure it was. And this is ESSENTIAL. MY POSITIVE PARENTING WAS KEY TO OUR SUCCESS.

If you struggle with therapeutic conversations, learn how to heal yourself, get support for you and them, and start healing yourself NOW. Your kids will need these skills. Force yourself to say good things only, constructive things only, no matter the topic or audience. Find a way. Your kids need to see unconditional love. Start with yourself. Then, love him. Yes, him. How far apart from him do you need to be to accept him as he is. Then you can safely decide wht to do.

Was it good for my career? Oh, heck no. Awful.

Was it good for my personal growth? Best thing ever: Because i made sure it was.

Was the personal growth good for my career? Breakthrough good.

How did I get go that point? My tipping point was when I realized our kids had been playing with his gfs kids. It did not seem odd to them that dad had two houses while we were married (though in theory, the second one was hers he alredy was comfortable in it).

I waited too long. I focused on him, when i needed to use my own timeline. How is MY emotinal health. What do I need to do to get stronger? Happier?

How is your relationship with your kids? With your friends, religious community, work network?

I have a great relationship with all of my kids. Our relationship is always my number one concern, which actually makes my husband mad because he wants himself to be number one. I tried to explain that they even come before me but it didn't help. I have a few pretty close friends and one very very close friend who is my neighbour. I'm very involved in our church community and have a lot of great friends there to. Work friends are also good. All of these my husband dislikes of course because he think they "change me" for some reason. I wish he could just be normal so we could be happy, I'm realizing o can't change him tho.

I became a single parent when I discovered my ex was cheating. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding. Money was tight, there wasn't any treats or holidays, but we had a happy home.

My 2 Children & I have a great relationship, we are very close, and they know they can rely on me for anything.

I am a single parent to two kids aged 8 and 10. We've been split up since they were toddlers. Its fine for me to be honest. I really like it. I don't find it hard now at all, perhaps because being in a relationship that isn't working is so hard in comparison.

We made the decision to split because we were fighting non stop, incompatible in so many ways. I don't have it in me to accept being miserable for a long time and the relationship at that time was so obviously WRONG for both of us so we called it a day.

When the split first happened and the kids were very young it was difficult. But I think that was more the difficulty of having young kids, close together in age, rather than doing it by myself. In time it got easier and now we all get along great. I never speak bad about their Dad, he never speaks bad about me. That helps, the less animosity the better (if possible).

My country has a good welfare system for single parents so that was a great help to me. I worked part time alongside that for years. Then I went back to university to get a degree (final year now). Money is tight but we have our necessities and some treats so I think we're very lucky. Our home is a happy one.

As IthinkIcan said, personal growth is everything and will take you where you need to go in life.

I am a single mother to one ...I had no choice but to leave her father with the help of the police when she was 15 months old . I only lived with one man ever again and he turned out to be a functioning alcoholic .

My last relationship was over 5 years ago ...he dumped me 3 days before Christmas and put me on my knees with grief ( there is a whole story behind this ) but worse , my daughter loved him so much and he also walked away from her with not a word ......she was 11 yrs old and I decided there and then to NEVER bring another man near my daughter again ...and I haven't . Her own father doesn't want to know and most of my family are now dead ...... but you have to get on with it .

I have moved from one end of the uk to the other with a kid tucked under my arm to start our lives again ..I have been in situations where I literally have had no one .. but you do it , you do anything to make life good for your children ..

I want to add something I think is very important .......Being a single mother with the father in the picture and being a single mother completely alone .

I don't know you so I am not accusing you of anything or presuming anything ......

Set out a plan from the start with the father .. Not only has he got the right to see his children but you will be glad of the break , the help and the support .

Never use your children as pawns in the adult game of hatred and bitterness and never allow any man to do that either .

Don't bad mouth him or question the children on his life , in short never ever put your children in the middle .

Again I say , I am acusing you of anything ...I have just seen so much bad and ultimately it usually comes from the adults anger and bitterness and the children suffer . As I have had no support ever apart from my mum and aunt I can honestly say it can be terribly lonely . I remember so many times emily being poorly and having no one to turn to

share my worries , my fears , no one to take the reigns for a while . I can recall about 8 years ago having to have a 7 am to 7pm appointment with the gas board , and I said I will have to nip out at 8.30 and 2.30 for school and the woman on the phone argued to hell and back with me that I have to find someone to take my daughter to school , she would not believe that I literally had no one to ask ...well I didn't ...I had just moved here ..there was no one . So a healthy relationship with the father makes life easier I can tell you that now ..so strive for that .

I'd like to hear from single parents on here. How do you do it. How many kids do you have? Is it very very hard? How did you come to the point where you decided to become a single parent? I'm a unhappily married mother of 3 plus take care of my 15 year old sister. I want out, but I'm afraid.

You want out of your marriage or what exactly? If you're not happy have you talked to your husband? You should at least tell him and address whatever issues there are and maybe counseling before you file for divorce.

Being a single parent is hard and not something you should go into lightly. If your husband is abusing you in any way then yes leave him. But if you're just in a slump give it a chance.

I'm a single mom of one but she is a medically complex kid. She was born with a kidney disorder we didn't know about until she was six weeks old. So the last two years have been nothing but hospital admissions, ER visits, two surgeries, she's on dialysis now and so on. Every fever I have to take her to the ER. Even when I was married to her dad I still was doing this by myself as his meth was more important than us, than his other three kids, than anyone. He was abusive when withdrawling from it. He lied, stole and manipulated to get money to support that habit. I eventually had enough. I think my daughter is much better off without him around but sometimes it would be nice just if he could be even a half functioning adult that I could trust him to have her for a day or a weekend or that he could help out. But he's not. He's a 34 year old man child in rehab for the third time in 4 years and probably going to prison next month. He has no parenting time unless I say so because he felt that meth was more important than the divorce hearings. And that he couldn't spend 40 on a parenting class but could do anything to get 60 for some meth.

Of course it's hard to be a single parent. Honestly it's hard to be a parent in general whether you are single or married or dating someone.

You want out of your marriage or what exactly? If you're not happy have you talked to your husband? You should at least tell him and address whatever issues there are and maybe counseling before you file for divorce.

 

Being a single parent is hard and not something you should go into lightly. If your husband is abusing you in any way then yes leave him. But if you're just in a slump give it a chance.

 

I'm a single mom of one but she is a medically complex kid. She was born with a kidney disorder we didn't know about until she was six weeks old. So the last two years have been nothing but hospital admissions, ER visits, two surgeries, she's on dialysis now and so on. Every fever I have to take her to the ER. Even when I was married to her dad I still was doing this by myself as his meth was more important than us, than his other three kids, than anyone. He was abusive when withdrawling from it. He lied, stole and manipulated to get money to support that habit. I eventually had enough. I think my daughter is much better off without him around but sometimes it would be nice just if he could be even a half functioning adult that I could trust him to have her for a day or a weekend or that he could help out. But he's not. He's a 34 year old man child in rehab for the third time in 4 years and probably going to prison next month. He has no parenting time unless I say so because he felt that meth was more important than the divorce hearings. And that he couldn't spend 40 on a parenting class but could do anything to get 60 for some meth.

 

Of course it's hard to be a single parent. Honestly it's hard to be a parent in general whether you are single or married or dating someone.

The sentiments in this post speak a truth: the unknown of our children's lives, and the idea "it would be nice if he could be xxx"

If my ex were the man I wanted him to be, then he wouldn't be my ex, would he? Accepting my ex as he is required me to divorce; conversely, divorcing allowed me the independence necessary for me to accept him.

Accept your husband AS HE IS. He will not change, and he will marry again etc. You will not have leverage over him as you do now (if that's relevant).

Accept him. Where does that leave you?

Addressing your own fear may itself change the dynamic of your marriage.

Me accepting him would be me accepting to be a door matt. He of course does not agree with this and thinks it's my fault. I shouldn't work with men, I shouldn't talk to men alone (for example if I was outside and a man was outside smoking to and spoke to me) I would get in trouble. I am not allowed to post pictures of myself online unless they are with my children or him or my mom. I CANNOT talk about his driving, (the other day I said I think we're following a little close when it was suuuuper icey) and I got yelled at for 45 minutes. I am still my own person. I understand we're married and we shouldn't do certain things. But I am a good mother, I work hard, I make sure my kids are fed well, clothed well, clean, their social needs are met. He says I should give him sex even if I don't feel like it because "he has needs and he needs it EVERYDAY" and I do it.. just to get him off my back. And don't get me wrong our sex life is awesome when I'm actually into it, but when I'm made to do something when I don't want to. I'm just trying to get it over with for his sake. He swears in front of the kids switch drives me BONKERS but I can't say anything because he says I'm being disrespectful and telling him how to parent. He tells me if I'm not going to agree then to just shut my mouth. If I'm 15-25 mins late for work I'm thoroughly questioned about it and he has even asked if "my co workers will vouch for me". I've never given him reason to not trust me except when I was smoking for a few weeks without telling him because I was stressed out from all this crap. I don't know if I can accept him how he is currently because if I do, I will be very unhappy and I'm not sure my kids will be happy either. The other day he was yelling at me THE NEXT DAY about the driving comment and my 11 year old comes up to me and says, "mom, do you need some wine?" I'm like oh my gosh does she think drinking helps you handle stress? Ugh

Having 3 kids and a young sibling to care for is much better than having that plus the drag and drain of an abusive guy around creating chaos and unnecessary turmoil..

I'd like to hear from single parents on here. How do you do it. How many kids do you have? Is it very very hard? How did you come to the point where you decided to become a single parent? I'm a unhappily married mother of 3 plus take care of my 15 year old sister. I want out, but I'm afraid.

And we've gone to multiple therapists, pastors, whatever. It gets better for awhile and then slowly goes to again. One therapist actual said "so your being an ?". LOL I couldn't believe it.

Goes to sh*t again. And he said so you being an a**hole. Sorry didn't know it wouldn't let me swear lol

I'm a single mom of a special needs kiddo. Ex-husband has never been involved, so this is all I know. I have nothing to compare it against. Yes, it's hard, but it's our way of life so you just roll with it. But our lives would have been 1000 times harder if my ex was in the picture. I wouldn't be the person I have grown into and my son would have seen things and heard things no kid should ever see. I knew that when I was pregnant although it took a long time for my heart to catch up with the logic. I just have one, and he is 4 years old.

I think it was the best decision I've ever made in my entire life.

Being a single mother with the father in the picture and being a single mother completely alone .

It is a lot different. Different set of challenges. In the beginning I wasn't sure the role my ex would play and I bit my tongue a lot(not easy). Any angry feelings I had towards him, it had to be left alone. I mean, I dealt with it by myself(and you must!) but it had no part in co-parenting. It gave me a real taste of the kind of man that he truly is. If you can have a workable and civil co-parenting relationship, kudos. It's best for the kids but a lot of times it doesn't work out that way.

Being a single mom would be so much better than what you described. Like, by a million times.

Not saying what you have is bad ( it is ). It is that what you have kills happiness. Yours. The kids. And they are learning that it is okay to treat people that way, to treat ourselves that way. That power equals control equals abusive speech.

Your household, after adjusting to the changes, would be so happy!

The sentiments in this post speak a truth: the unknown of our children's lives, and the idea "it would be nice if he could be xxx"

 

If my ex were the man I wanted him to be, then he wouldn't be my ex, would he? Accepting my ex as he is required me to divorce; conversely, divorcing allowed me the independence necessary for me to accept him.

 

Accept your husband AS HE IS. He will not change, and he will marry again etc. You will not have leverage over him as you do now (if that's relevant).

 

Accept him. Where does that leave you?

 

Addressing your own fear may itself change the dynamic of your marriage.

Are you addressing me or the OP? Because this really makes no sense without knowing who you are addressing. You had replied to my comment is why I ask.

Me accepting him would be me accepting to be a door matt. He of course does not agree with this and thinks it's my fault. I shouldn't work with men, I shouldn't talk to men alone (for example if I was outside and a man was outside smoking to and spoke to me) I would get in trouble. I am not allowed to post pictures of myself online unless they are with my children or him or my mom. I CANNOT talk about his driving, (the other day I said I think we're following a little close when it was suuuuper icey) and I got yelled at for 45 minutes. I am still my own person. I understand we're married and we shouldn't do certain things. But I am a good mother, I work hard, I make sure my kids are fed well, clothed well, clean, their social needs are met. He says I should give him sex even if I don't feel like it because "he has needs and he needs it EVERYDAY" and I do it.. just to get him off my back. And don't get me wrong our sex life is awesome when I'm actually into it, but when I'm made to do something when I don't want to. I'm just trying to get it over with for his sake. He swears in front of the kids switch drives me BONKERS but I can't say anything because he says I'm being disrespectful and telling him how to parent. He tells me if I'm not going to agree then to just shut my mouth. If I'm 15-25 mins late for work I'm thoroughly questioned about it and he has even asked if "my co workers will vouch for me". I've never given him reason to not trust me except when I was smoking for a few weeks without telling him because I was stressed out from all this crap. I don't know if I can accept him how he is currently because if I do, I will be very unhappy and I'm not sure my kids will be happy either. The other day he was yelling at me THE NEXT DAY about the driving comment and my 11 year old comes up to me and says, "mom, do you need some wine?" I'm like oh my gosh does she think drinking helps you handle stress? Ugh

You need to divorce him. No one should live like that. No you should not just "accept" him acting like that. He wouldn't accept you controlling him. He's controlling, toxic and abusive. That's the bottomline.

You do NOT have to give him sex when he wants it because you're married. He does not own you. In all honestly if he's accusing you of cheating HE is probably cheating.

This is a horrible environment for your kids to grow up in. You guys should not stay married. He is not your father and he does not control your life. You are a grown woman.

I have two girls.

You just... do it. I dunno. I've always been a person that stands on my own two feet even in a relationship, so maybe I'm a little jaded on the way it works...

I have two girls.

 

You just... do it. I dunno. I've always been a person that stands on my own two feet even in a relationship, so maybe I'm a little jaded on the way it works...

This is me also. You just Do. The decision i made for which I am most thankful was that i committed to do as i wanted, without knowing how it would be possible. For example, i committed to a job before i had child care, i got them into the best school for them without knowing how i would pay for it, committed to travel for work before I knew how I would cover them at home. It has been the right way to think because we've not limited ourselves. We have excelled. The solutions will be there.

The sentiments in this post speak a truth: the unknown of our children's lives, and the idea "it would be nice if he could be xxx"

 

If my ex were the man I wanted him to be, then he wouldn't be my ex, would he? Accepting my ex as he is required me to divorce; conversely, divorcing allowed me the independence necessary for me to accept him.

 

Accept your husband AS HE IS. He will not change, and he will marry again etc. You will not have leverage over him as you do now (if that's relevant).

 

Accept him. Where does that leave you?

 

Addressing your own fear may itself change the dynamic of your marriage.

I was addressing the OP. And to clarify, "accepting" doesn't mean "accepting for oneself" but rather "accepting as true". Her spouse is who he is. She is afraid to leave the marriage.

At some point, we see our future forever with this man we married, and we see that the future looks like the present only worse. The years of being unhappy grow heavier with time.

When we see the future, the reality of staying becomes so bad that we overcome the fear of leaving.

I want to add something I think is very important .......Being a single mother with the father in the picture and being a single mother completely alone .

 

I don't know you so I am not accusing you of anything or presuming anything ......

 

Set out a plan from the start with the father .. Not only has he got the right to see his children but you will be glad of the break , the help and the support .

Never use your children as pawns in the adult game of hatred and bitterness and never allow any man to do that either .

Don't bad mouth him or question the children on his life , in short never ever put your children in the middle .

 

Again I say , I am acusing you of anything ...I have just seen so much bad and ultimately it usually comes from the adults anger and bitterness and the children suffer . As I have had no support ever apart from my mum and aunt I can honestly say it can be terribly lonely . I remember so many times emily being poorly and having no one to turn to

share my worries , my fears , no one to take the reigns for a while . I can recall about 8 years ago having to have a 7 am to 7pm appointment with the gas board , and I said I will have to nip out at 8.30 and 2.30 for school and the woman on the phone argued to hell and back with me that I have to find someone to take my daughter to school , she would not believe that I literally had no one to ask ...well I didn't ...I had just moved here ..there was no one . So a healthy relationship with the father makes life easier I can tell you that now ..so strive for that .

I was in the process of ending things with my daughters father when I found out I was pregnant with her. I asked him if he was in or out. He proposed.

We tried so hard to work things out...but when she was about a year old I had enough...I just couldn't do it anymore.

Ending things with him was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I felt like I was really putting my daughter at a disadvantage...I wondered if I'd be able to swing it financially...I was so scared about what would happen to us if I couldn't. But I did it. It was hard. I worked my butt off to support us.

My ex was devastated...it took him a solid year to get to a good place mentally. He hadn't really participated in parenting until we split up so my daughter would scream and fight me when I'd drop her off for visits with her dad...it was heartbreaking for my 13 month old to be hysterical...and I had to leave. I couldn't comfort her. I would get her in, hug her, tell her I'd be back tomorrow...and close the door behind myself and slide down it crying listening to her hysterically screaming for me. I didn't think she'd ever get over that...But it got better. She didn't know him...once she got to know him, she loved him. And now she loves going to her dads, and sees him whenever she wants (which is weekly usually).

When we split up, I talked to him a lot about how I wanted things to be in the future. How I wanted an amicable relationship with him. I promised I would never keep her from him, and I promised I would always speak highly of him to her. I talked about how I hoped we could still do things as a family...maybe not right away, but in time. At the time I was running a Dayhome, and I had a family that was going through an awful divorce...and their kids were so messed up. Aggressive, angry children. And the parents were nuts...like they'd bring clothing for the kids, and the kids had to change before they went to the other parents house...because "that b doesn't know how to do laundry and wrecks all the expensive clothing we buy for the kids" and "he always sends back clothes too small for the kids that they've outgrown" etc...in front of the kids. They called the cops on each other...at my house. They didn't last long with me. But they gave me a really good example of what I didn't want things to look like. So we talked a lot about that too. How we wanted kindness and respect towards each other...even when we hated each other (because that happens too...you split up for a reason). The goal though...is putting your child first. So we had to suck it up and zip our mouths closed when we weren't agreeing on things.

It's been almost 8 years now since we split up. Our daughter is almost 9 now. And my ex and I are on pretty good terms. We both have pass codes into each other's homes (because our daughter is forever forgetting something somewhere lol). He was invited to my wedding reception in the summer, his gf was unable to attend, but she was invited as well. We go out for lunch together a few times a year with our girl...we've had them over for Christmas/Easter dinner a few times. I'm currently in a Fitbit challenge with them, his parents, his sister, and his gfs kids lol.

Having a good relationship with all of them makes life so much easier. It's kinder for my daughter...and it's nice for us too...if one of us has something going on, the other will happily take her. His parents have always helped me if he or my parents couldn't (with child care). Right now her pet bearded dragon is staying with us because her dad is visiting his gf for 3 weeks...I'm a lizard mom now.

It's not always easy...sometimes when he takes her to a convenience store, loads her full of sugar, and drops her off at 8 pm on a Sunday I want to bludgeon him lol, but usually I can reason with him and he doesn't do it again (for a while at least lol). We don't always agree 100% on parenting strategies, but we try to see the other parents side, and give them the benefit of the doubt. I know he lets her stay up really late on Saturdays because he misses her and wants to spend time with her...and after me dealing with the Sunday meltdowns for a few years, I finally convinced him that he should keep her on Sunday nights and get her to school...and guess what? He gets her to bed on Saturday nights a lot earlier lol. He thought I was just being uptight...but I think he gets it now. I try to set things up so he gets why I have certain rules (like bedtime) in a natural consequence format. In a few years, it won't matter as much because our daughter will be in control of a lot more of that stuff.

It gets easier. I don't regret ending things at all...I wish I had done it sooner, actually. But it happened the way it happened...and it wasn't easy being a single parent...but it was easier than being in a relationship where I was miserable.

And 3 years ago I met a great guy. He's so incredible with our girl...and he's really kind to my ex and his family...he completes our family.

Side note...being a single parent gave me a completely different relationship with my daughter. I kind of feel like we have a Gilmore girls bond....we're so close. And I don't think that would have happened if I had stayed with her dad...being a single parent is kind of neat. It's more..you and child/ren against the world...it's special.

Ill give you my "dad" perspective.

I have been single for now 15 months my daughter is now 2 years and 3 months old. My world collapsed 6 months into my ex pregnancy when she realized and found out she had not done her corporate taxes for over 3 years. I had to take the paternity relief since she was not eligible. I raised our daughter from 6 to 12 months and on the week I started back working my ex dumped me for a whole story to be found in another thread.

6 months later she was in another relationship and since December she now lives with him and his 2 kids. He's older and after a year of false hope and stalking she finally left me alone and is now no longer messaging me every week or so.

I have my daughter 50% of the time.

How is it? Frankly its hell, I feel betrayed, I never wanted to be a single dad. I live by procuration were I do every thing for the sake of the happiness of my daughter.

I love my daughter so much I would do anything to have her full time, knowing a stranger is having the same amount of quality time I have with her kills me inside.

Its hard, the dumper makes a choice and commits to it while the dumpee forfeits all control over his life and has to deal with the choices others made. I deal with it, me ex lives 2 hours away from my place. I'm the mommy in this case the first month my daughter was crying every time i was leaving her to her mom. It broke me.

I'm a better man now, more like myself. I have a drive where I need to succeed since i'm now on my own. I don't really have free time anymore and its ok.

I see a therapist weekly, I need to keep a really strict routine otherwise with my career, School, gym and all the rest it can all fall off easy.

So far my life has been hell, I feel like I will see my daughter growing up not really knowing her mom. I lost half the life with her.

I don't see myself falling in love ever again, I'm really a "Harvey Specter" type, good looking, always the light in the room, wearing suits, engaging in one nights when I feel like it. A part of me died with this and I was left into pieces with no real way to piece it all back up.

Don't get me wrong I have a great life, great daughter she bring light to my life. I'm able to focus on my career when I don't have her, I workout anytime I can. I'm just doing every thing in order to become the greatest dad I can be.

I'm still emotionally unavailable, unable to move on or accept what happened part of me wishes her back, the other wants vengeance (revenge body, living in the neighbourhood we said we would live in). I don't accept that I don't deserve this life sentence and that I will have to deal with my ex for the rest of my life. She got it easy, she took every thing from me and got away with it.

How do I feel about it... I can't even tell it wasn't my choice so I'm more focus with dealing with the consequences of it more than anything. Life is unfair, hard and my path is harder than a lot of people around me. Makes me stronger but some nights when I get home in this new place with all this new furniture where nothing feels like home I sometimes wondered why she never got the balls to act on what she said and why did we give up so fast knowing we would be bonded for life.

Being the dumper with kids seems to be a lot easier than being the counter part where every single actions you do is actually a reaction to choices you havent made

I'm curious to see how you guys handle the coparenting from a dumper and dumper perspective.

Any input?