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Thread: Single parents on here?

  1. #21
    IThinkICan
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    Quote Originally Posted by IThinkICan [Register to see the link]
    The sentiments in this post speak a truth: the unknown of our children's lives, and the idea "it would be nice if he could be xxx"

    If my ex were the man I wanted him to be, then he wouldn't be my ex, would he? Accepting my ex as he is required me to divorce; conversely, divorcing allowed me the independence necessary for me to accept him.

    Accept your husband AS HE IS. He will not change, and he will marry again etc. You will not have leverage over him as you do now (if that's relevant).

    Accept him. Where does that leave you?

    Addressing your own fear may itself change the dynamic of your marriage.
    I was addressing the OP. And to clarify, "accepting" doesn't mean "accepting for oneself" but rather "accepting as true". Her spouse is who he is. She is afraid to leave the marriage.

    At some point, we see our future forever with this man we married, and we see that the future looks like the present only worse. The years of being unhappy grow heavier with time.

    When we see the future, the reality of staying becomes so bad that we overcome the fear of leaving.

  2. #22
    faraday
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    Quote Originally Posted by pippy longstocking [Register to see the link]
    I want to add something I think is very important .......Being a single mother with the father in the picture and being a single mother completely alone .

    I don't know you so I am not accusing you of anything or presuming anything ......

    Set out a plan from the start with the father .. Not only has he got the right to see his children but you will be glad of the break , the help and the support .
    Never use your children as pawns in the adult game of hatred and bitterness and never allow any man to do that either .
    Don't bad mouth him or question the children on his life , in short never ever put your children in the middle .

    Again I say , I am acusing you of anything ...I have just seen so much bad and ultimately it usually comes from the adults anger and bitterness and the children suffer . As I have had no support ever apart from my mum and aunt I can honestly say it can be terribly lonely . I remember so many times emily being poorly and having no one to turn to
    share my worries , my fears , no one to take the reigns for a while . I can recall about 8 years ago having to have a 7 am to 7pm appointment with the gas board , and I said I will have to nip out at 8.30 and 2.30 for school and the woman on the phone argued to hell and back with me that I have to find someone to take my daughter to school , she would not believe that I literally had no one to ask ...well I didn't ...I had just moved here ..there was no one . So a healthy relationship with the father makes life easier I can tell you that now ..so strive for that .
    <3 this so much.

  3. #23
    faraday
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    Single parents on here?

    I was in the process of ending things with my daughters father when I found out I was pregnant with her. I asked him if he was in or out. He proposed.

    We tried so hard to work things out...but when she was about a year old I had enough...I just couldn't do it anymore.

    Ending things with him was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I felt like I was really putting my daughter at a disadvantage...I wondered if I'd be able to swing it financially...I was so scared about what would happen to us if I couldn't. But I did it. It was hard. I worked my butt off to support us.

    My ex was devastated...it took him a solid year to get to a good place mentally. He hadn't really participated in parenting until we split up so my daughter would scream and fight me when I'd drop her off for visits with her dad...it was heartbreaking for my 13 month old to be hysterical...and I had to leave. I couldn't comfort her. I would get her in, hug her, tell her I'd be back tomorrow...and close the door behind myself and slide down it crying listening to her hysterically screaming for me. I didn't think she'd ever get over that...But it got better. She didn't know him...once she got to know him, she loved him. And now she loves going to her dads, and sees him whenever she wants (which is weekly usually).

    When we split up, I talked to him a lot about how I wanted things to be in the future. How I wanted an amicable relationship with him. I promised I would never keep her from him, and I promised I would always speak highly of him to her. I talked about how I hoped we could still do things as a family...maybe not right away, but in time. At the time I was running a Dayhome, and I had a family that was going through an awful divorce...and their kids were so messed up. Aggressive, angry children. And the parents were nuts...like they'd bring clothing for the kids, and the kids had to change before they went to the other parents house...because "that b doesn't know how to do laundry and wrecks all the expensive clothing we buy for the kids" and "he always sends back clothes too small for the kids that they've outgrown" etc...in front of the kids. They called the cops on each other...at my house. They didn't last long with me. But they gave me a really good example of what I didn't want things to look like. So we talked a lot about that too. How we wanted kindness and respect towards each other...even when we hated each other (because that happens too...you split up for a reason). The goal though...is putting your child first. So we had to suck it up and zip our mouths closed when we weren't agreeing on things.

    It's been almost 8 years now since we split up. Our daughter is almost 9 now. And my ex and I are on pretty good terms. We both have pass codes into each other's homes (because our daughter is forever forgetting something somewhere lol). He was invited to my wedding reception in the summer, his gf was unable to attend, but she was invited as well. We go out for lunch together a few times a year with our girl...we've had them over for Christmas/Easter dinner a few times. I'm currently in a Fitbit challenge with them, his parents, his sister, and his gfs kids lol.

    Having a good relationship with all of them makes life so much easier. It's kinder for my daughter...and it's nice for us too...if one of us has something going on, the other will happily take her. His parents have always helped me if he or my parents couldn't (with child care). Right now her pet bearded dragon is staying with us because her dad is visiting his gf for 3 weeks...I'm a lizard mom now.

    It's not always easy...sometimes when he takes her to a convenience store, loads her full of sugar, and drops her off at 8 pm on a Sunday I want to bludgeon him lol, but usually I can reason with him and he doesn't do it again (for a while at least lol). We don't always agree 100% on parenting strategies, but we try to see the other parents side, and give them the benefit of the doubt. I know he lets her stay up really late on Saturdays because he misses her and wants to spend time with her...and after me dealing with the Sunday meltdowns for a few years, I finally convinced him that he should keep her on Sunday nights and get her to school...and guess what? He gets her to bed on Saturday nights a lot earlier lol. He thought I was just being uptight...but I think he gets it now. I try to set things up so he gets why I have certain rules (like bedtime) in a natural consequence format. In a few years, it won't matter as much because our daughter will be in control of a lot more of that stuff.

    It gets easier. I don't regret ending things at all...I wish I had done it sooner, actually. But it happened the way it happened...and it wasn't easy being a single parent...but it was easier than being in a relationship where I was miserable.

    And 3 years ago I met a great guy. He's so incredible with our girl...and he's really kind to my ex and his family...he completes our family.

    Side note...being a single parent gave me a completely different relationship with my daughter. I kind of feel like we have a Gilmore girls bond....we're so close. And I don't think that would have happened if I had stayed with her dad...being a single parent is kind of neat. It's more..you and child/ren against the world...it's special.
    Last edited by faraday; 01-20-2017 at 10:38 AM.

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  5. #24
    Quidam
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    Ill give you my "dad" perspective.

    I have been single for now 15 months my daughter is now 2 years and 3 months old. My world collapsed 6 months into my ex pregnancy when she realized and found out she had not done her corporate taxes for over 3 years. I had to take the paternity relief since she was not eligible. I raised our daughter from 6 to 12 months and on the week I started back working my ex dumped me for a whole story to be found in another thread.

    6 months later she was in another relationship and since December she now lives with him and his 2 kids. He's older and after a year of false hope and stalking she finally left me alone and is now no longer messaging me every week or so.

    I have my daughter 50% of the time.

    How is it? Frankly its hell, I feel betrayed, I never wanted to be a single dad. I live by procuration were I do every thing for the sake of the happiness of my daughter.

    I love my daughter so much I would do anything to have her full time, knowing a stranger is having the same amount of quality time I have with her kills me inside.

    Its hard, the dumper makes a choice and commits to it while the dumpee forfeits all control over his life and has to deal with the choices others made. I deal with it, me ex lives 2 hours away from my place. I'm the mommy in this case the first month my daughter was crying every time i was leaving her to her mom. It broke me.


    I'm a better man now, more like myself. I have a drive where I need to succeed since i'm now on my own. I don't really have free time anymore and its ok.

    I see a therapist weekly, I need to keep a really strict routine otherwise with my career, School, gym and all the rest it can all fall off easy.

    So far my life has been hell, I feel like I will see my daughter growing up not really knowing her mom. I lost half the life with her.

    I don't see myself falling in love ever again, I'm really a "Harvey Specter" type, good looking, always the light in the room, wearing suits, engaging in one nights when I feel like it. A part of me died with this and I was left into pieces with no real way to piece it all back up.

    Don't get me wrong I have a great life, great daughter she bring light to my life. I'm able to focus on my career when I don't have her, I workout anytime I can. I'm just doing every thing in order to become the greatest dad I can be.

    I'm still emotionally unavailable, unable to move on or accept what happened part of me wishes her back, the other wants vengeance (revenge body, living in the neighbourhood we said we would live in). I don't accept that I don't deserve this life sentence and that I will have to deal with my ex for the rest of my life. She got it easy, she took every thing from me and got away with it.


    How do I feel about it... I can't even tell it wasn't my choice so I'm more focus with dealing with the consequences of it more than anything. Life is unfair, hard and my path is harder than a lot of people around me. Makes me stronger but some nights when I get home in this new place with all this new furniture where nothing feels like home I sometimes wondered why she never got the balls to act on what she said and why did we give up so fast knowing we would be bonded for life.


    Being the dumper with kids seems to be a lot easier than being the counter part where every single actions you do is actually a reaction to choices you havent made

  6. #25
    Quidam
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    I'm curious to see how you guys handle the coparenting from a dumper and dumper perspective.

    Any input?

  7. #26
    faraday
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    Quote Originally Posted by Quidam [Register to see the link]
    I'm curious to see how you guys handle the coparenting from a dumper and dumper perspective.

    Any input?
    That's very vague. Need more info...

  8. #27
    david charles
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    I am a single parent of two and find it very challenging, it is important to get help and share your load if you can. Please consider all aspects of any change in your circumstances before you make your decision. If there is any specific worry please ask
    David

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