Still miss him

I was dating a guy i work with; we have been in an on again, off again situation for the length of 2.5 years. He tells me im not good enough says he doesnt value me but everytime i have tried to move on or have tried to date someone else, he would tell me he loved me and missed me and we would meet up, have sex and then he would ignore me again.. the whole entire on again off again situation restarts, and i always go back to where i started.. broken hearted..

He has spread rumors about me, tried to have me fired, and told everyone i was obsessed with him. Yes he is a complete jerk, and i know this and i have tried numerous times to cut him off but we always end up getting back together. ( or i should say have sex) I have done things to retaliate against him as well so i am not saying i am perfect, but i also know that this is not a healthy situation to be in. He left me for another woman and told me not to contact him anymore recently so i have done a complete no contact and It has been a month, but i miss him.

I have a child that is my world in which he made to effort to meet, and i havent really thought about dating as of yet because i want to be completely over this situation before i get involved with someone else. I know there are things i need to work and fix before i find a good person, but what he did to me has scarred me. I feel like i am not good enough for anyone and i am picking on everything about myself lately. I know this maybe a natural reaction because of how short it has been since what i would call a break up.. but how do i get completely over this if he works with me? Its not easy having to see him all the time. And i am embarassed because if the rumors he said about me. Do these guys ever have a "i ed up" moment? When should i start dating and how do i just move on and stop thinking about him..?

You need to make a decision to end it for good. He's mean to you, and treats you like crap. He only hooks up for the sex. Stop giving it to him.

Ignore him at work and just continue to do the best you can even tho the jerk is trying to get you fired. Stay away from him and just do your work and forget him.

What do you see in him?

You need to make a decision to end it for good. He's mean to you, and treats you like crap. He only hooks up for the sex. Stop giving it to him.

 

Ignore him at work and just continue to do the best you can even tho the jerk is trying to get you fired. Stay away from him and just do your work and forget him.

 

What do you see in him?

Everyone asks me that, we had great chemistry. I know i dont want to be with him, but its just really hard. I really appreciate your honest opinion...it helped

You need to make a decision to end it for good. He's mean to you, and treats you like crap. He only hooks up for the sex. Stop giving it to him.

 

Ignore him at work and just continue to do the best you can even tho the jerk is trying to get you fired. Stay away from him and just do your work and forget him.

 

What do you see in him?

I second this entire post. I too am baffled what on earth you see in this jerk. Leaves one almost speechless.

Oh wow sorry to hear this. Just about every red flag in the book. Coworker, on/off, treats you like a yo-yo sexual harassment at work, dumped you...

No he will never have an epiphany that he's a jerk. in his mind he's a lady's man. Focus on your child and be glad you dodged a bullet. How is the work atmosphere? Can you avoid him?

As far as damage control, casually remark to anyone who asks that you have ended things because he's an office womanizer then change the subject.

Get involved outside of work in friends groups interests your child, etc. Also get on dating apps and start meeting guys for coffee and see who's out there for you.

I was dating a guy i work with; we have been in an on again, off again situation for the length of 2.5 years. He tells me im not good enough says he doesnt value me. we would meet up, have sex and then he would ignore me again.He has spread rumors about me, tried to have me fired, and told everyone i was obsessed with him. He left me for another woman

Oh wow sorry to hear this. Just about every red flag in the book. Coworker, on/off, treats you like a yo-yo sexual harassment at work, dumped you...

 

No he will never have an epiphany that he's a jerk. in his mind he's a lady's man. Focus on your child and be glad you dodged a bullet. How is the work atmosphere? Can you avoid him?

 

As far as damage control, casually remark to anyone who asks that you have ended things because he's an office womanizer then change the subject.

 

Get involved outside of work in friends groups interests your child, etc. Also get on dating apps and start meeting guys for coffee and see who's out there for you.

Amazing reply..thank you!

Can't you find another job or transfer? Regardless, you need to make an effort to move on from this toxic situation. If not for you, do it for your child. You are their role model so you need to think of the emotional imprint left by being brought up in such an unhappy situation. This guy is toxic. You deserve better so you need to start treating yourself better. Remember: no one can make you feel inferior without your consent!

We make such good money that it wouldnt be possible. I have thought about this numerous amount of times. We doi need to work on myself esteem and yes, you are definitely right when you say to put my son before him. Thank you for your response 😊

We make such good money that it wouldnt be possible. I have thought about this numerous amount of times. We doi need to work on myself esteem and yes, you are definitely right when you say to put my son before him. Thank you for your response 😊

Take less money in exchange for self respect and emotional health. A healthy internal life leads to more riches, including money as well other sorts.

What I'm going to say here sounds harsh, and I'm doing it because I've been nearly exactly in your shoes. Know this doesn't come from me wanting to tear you down, it comes from me wanting to wake you up so here goes:

a) You need to really get honest with yourself about what else is going on in your life that you chose this guy as an escape. And I say that as someone who has been there. You could just as easily rewrite this post, but instead of him in it you talk about how you keep going back to the bottle or the pills or the meth even though you know it's wrong, it's screwing you up, and now everyone at work is talking about you behind your back and you're afraid you'll end up fired.

So you need to look at that, because what you describe is not love at all. It's addiction, a really toxic addiction with someone who gets his jollies off of controlling and kicking your legs out from under you every chance he gets. And you keep coming back for more, which indicates that you have an equally big problem of some sort or you wouldn't stick around for this type of treatment.

b) I suspect there's something in there about you deciding in order to be happy you have to have a guy in your life, no matter how crappy they are. And I say that because right about now most women (or men if roles were reversed) would be saying, "I want nothing to do with the opposite sex and good lord do I need some therapy, before I can ever trust myself that the next person I date won't turn out to be an axe murderer."

So dating? Put that off the table for a year or more and learn to live your life being happy and content with you and your own life and your child, who should be your highest priority.

c) And yes, you need to find another job. Seriously, the money wasn't that good or you wouldn't be risking getting fired over a vindictive coworker you chose to sleep with who then trashes you to the whole office. I'm actually surprised you both haven't been sacked by management as it is, because that sort of thing causes all sorts of drama and kills morale in the workplace. And good managers know that hence why so many companies have a policy about not allowing coworkers to date. And let's face it, the next time he wants to control you and get his jollies off of being the office sadist and you say no to him, chances are pretty good he's going to try and get you fired. And sooner or later he just might succeed.

Plus any addiction is best broken by going complete cold turkey and major lifestyle changes anyways. So if you can get one good-paying job, why can't you get another? And wouldn't it be better to leave on your own steam than having to keep dealing with office drama until you're let go? So really ask yourself if your staying at this job is about money or is it about not wanting to let of him.

d) I've been where you are, you need therapy, you need to examine what is going on in your life that someone abusive to you was allowed to have such easy access to try ruining your life and using you, and you need to reset your focus to that of making a happy home for you and your child. And you can do that better by yourself happy than you can bringing a man into the equation who mistreats you and very probably will mistreat your child. In fact, be grateful this guy never met your kid or had access to him, be very, very, very grateful for that.

Because as awful as this guy as been to you, why on earth would you think he would ever be someone you'd want near your child? If he gets so much pleasure out of mistreating you, what exactly do you think he's going to do to a vulnerable child who can't stand up to him physically or emotionally? You need to look at that really clearly and realize how close you just came to exposing who should be the love of your life to someone who would definitely mistreat him given how he treats you.

And a final note of hope. Recognizing you have a problem is the first step to ending the problem, so you are waking up and realizing it's not been a good thing for you. Keep doing that, keep moving forward, seek out therapy if you need it, go to the website baggage reclaim by Natalie Lui and read up on toxic relationships and why you would stay in one, really take a look at this job and how you might get another one just as good or even maybe for slightly less pay, but better hours and less stress.

Learn how to be happy within yourself, to draw boundaries, and when to draw the line and cut someone off no matter how much you like them, because you recognize they are a detriment to you and your son. You'll be a lot better for it, and maybe then you could attract someone sane and healthy and normal, because this guy was and is none of those things. And no, love won't transform a toxic individual the way it does in books or movies, total garbage swill designed to make people accept abusive relationships if you ask me. It's within you to decide you've had enough and to step out of the trap and you do that by simply doing it. You block and delete this guy from any contact, but having to say something to your face at work. You address only work. If he says anything at all sexual you report him to HR and you don't so much as let him even see you going to your car where he can get at you if that's what it takes. And you get a new job as soon as you can, and you don't look back, you look forward. And you seek a healthy emotionally sane life with good people in it for you and your son. And you will be okay.

You can rebuild, you can always rebuild if you decide to, remember that.

P.S. People who enjoy mistreating other people and go out of their way to do so never have an "I ed up" moment. Not even when they're sitting behind bars, because that takes having some empathy and awareness that you've hurt others. People who enjoy hurting others lack that capacity, they just blame everyone else and the world at large instead if they're placed in a position of having to own up to doing something wrong.

^ (I had to log on specifically to rep this post). Awesome post ParisPaulette! Brilliant. *high five*

I agree with this and you have helped so much! Thank you