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Thread: Semi adult stubborn child

  1. #31
    ~Seraphim ~
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    Quote Originally Posted by catfeeder [Register to see the link]
    This ^ along with a clear explanation of why YOU need him to do this. I'd tell him that I'm not going to be around forever to support him, and I need to know that this money will be available to him if anything happens to me. I'd ask him what kind of reward he'd like from me for completing the task, then I'd consider what I can afford to bribe him with.

    I haven't read this thread, but if you haven't had success already, I hope you'll let us know how this goes. Happy new year, Victoria.
    Yes ,I think it's just going to take a few years for him to catch up . Maybe ,when he's about 25 or so he'll understand the significance .

  2. #32
    abitbroken
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    Lots of people who stink at math have secure futures. You don't have to be good at math - let the accountant be good at math. You could teach him or have him take a class in practical math - every day math you need for recipes, etc., All of the "percentile" for his age might not be accurate or meaningless if they are counting on his peers being able to pass Algebra and Calculus. If he has a grasp on second to fourth grade math, he can go far in life on the basics. Signing up for a percentage to be taken out of your check or account every month to go towards a retirement account does not require math skills. it requires the want to have a retirement fund.

  3. #33
    Fudgie
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 [Register to see the link]
    He would never, EVER submit to a POA. That would end my relationship with me and his dad. He would never trust us again . Probably never talk to us either.
    Has this ever been discussed with him? Do you really think he'd walk on out of there and never talk to you again if you brought it up? Where on earth would he go if he were to do that? I just can't imagine that happening without him coming back pretty quickly because he has nowhere else to go.

    Being POA just means that you could have access to take care of things like this for him on his behalf. Doesn't mean that you would take his money and dole out an allowance like my parents have to do for my sister. What if you made a written contract together saying "Okay, by you giving me/your dad POA, it means that I will do x, y, z but I will not do a, b, c."?

    It's just a thought. Luckily, my sister is very agreeable. If she had put up a s__t fit and tried to squander her trust (intended to last her for the rest of her life), my family would have gone the legal route of getting her declared incompetent to manage her affairs and boy, that would have been a mess. Would have worked, but would have been a mess. Her overall agreeable nature has made it so this was not necessary.

    It's a tough situation because he is disabled and lacks executive function, yet this thing that you're asking him to do, it doesn't sound like he's capable of doing on his own or having an understanding of really why he needs this. This is not a simple case of "young 'n' dumb" neurotypical young folks who put off saving for retirement.

    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    Lots of people who stink at math have secure futures. You don't have to be good at math - let the accountant be good at math. You could teach him or have him take a class in practical math - every day math you need for recipes, etc., All of the "percentile" for his age might not be accurate or meaningless if they are counting on his peers being able to pass Algebra and Calculus. If he has a grasp on second to fourth grade math, he can go far in life on the basics. Signing up for a percentage to be taken out of your check or account every month to go towards a retirement account does not require math skills. it requires the want to have a retirement fund.
    I agree that you don't have to be good at math for stuff like this. Heck, I'm really not that good with math as a whole. My sister is actually pretty good at arithmetic. Math isn't the problem, it's the decision-making part of the brain. She is disabled enough by her autism that she simply CANNOT figure out finances. Despite repeated education and therapy from the age of 3 onward, she has very limited concept of money. She doesn't really understand how much things costs, nor the value of a dollar. It goes far beyond clueless young adults being new in the world. This is an actual disability and this, combined with other things, is why she will be dependent for the rest of her life.

    There are some things that someone with a disability can do, and somethings that they can't. Depends on the disability, the severity, and the person. My family had to accept a long time ago that there were going to be certain things that my sister just. cannot. do. It is not a matter of her developing and getting better, she is kind of capped out in terms of SIGNIFICANT cognitive change in most of her departments according to many psychiatrists who have worked with her. She can acquire knowledge and some skills but she is not going to change the way that she is wired. She will never be able to handle her finances. She cannot visualize certain ideas. She doesn't understand certain things. She has sequencing issues. She has little practical sense. She cannot be trusted in an emergency. All of the tough love and education in the world won't change that now.

    I really hope you can get to a place with your son where he will let you help him make the right choices because to me, it really sounds like he needs it. That's not a fault or anything, but it is the nature of autism.

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    Lots of people who stink at math have secure futures. You don't have to be good at math - let the accountant be good at math. You could teach him or have him take a class in practical math - every day math you need for recipes, etc., All of the "percentile" for his age might not be accurate or meaningless if they are counting on his peers being able to pass Algebra and Calculus. If he has a grasp on second to fourth grade math, he can go far in life on the basics. Signing up for a percentage to be taken out of your check or account every month to go towards a retirement account does not require math skills. it requires the want to have a retirement fund.
    Absolutely, but he can't stave for that retirement unless he gets the certificate number. If he saves more than $5000 he loses his disability payments . That is the scary part .

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fudgie [Register to see the link]
    Has this ever been discussed with him? Do you really think he'd walk on out of there and never talk to you again if you brought it up? Where on earth would he go if he were to do that? I just can't imagine that happening without him coming back pretty quickly because he has nowhere else to go.

    Being POA just means that you could have access to take care of things like this for him on his behalf. Doesn't mean that you would take his money and dole out an allowance like my parents have to do for my sister. What if you made a written contract together saying "Okay, by you giving me/your dad POA, it means that I will do x, y, z but I will not do a, b, c."?

    It's just a thought. Luckily, my sister is very agreeable. If she had put up a s__t fit and tried to squander her trust (intended to last her for the rest of her life), my family would have gone the legal route of getting her declared incompetent to manage her affairs and boy, that would have been a mess. Would have worked, but would have been a mess. Her overall agreeable nature has made it so this was not necessary.

    It's a tough situation because he is disabled and lacks executive function, yet this thing that you're asking him to do, it doesn't sound like he's capable of doing on his own or having an understanding of really why he needs this. This is not a simple case of "young 'n' dumb" neurotypical young folks who put off saving for retirement.



    I agree that you don't have to be good at math for stuff like this. Heck, I'm really not that good with math as a whole. My sister is actually pretty good at arithmetic. Math isn't the problem, it's the decision-making part of the brain. She is disabled enough by her autism that she simply CANNOT figure out finances. Despite repeated education and therapy from the age of 3 onward, she has very limited concept of money. She doesn't really understand how much things costs, nor the value of a dollar. It goes far beyond clueless young adults being new in the world. This is an actual disability and this, combined with other things, is why she will be dependent for the rest of her life.

    There are some things that someone with a disability can do, and somethings that they can't. Depends on the disability, the severity, and the person. My family had to accept a long time ago that there were going to be certain things that my sister just. cannot. do. It is not a matter of her developing and getting better, she is kind of capped out in terms of SIGNIFICANT cognitive change in most of her departments according to many psychiatrists who have worked with her. She can acquire knowledge and some skills but she is not going to change the way that she is wired. She will never be able to handle her finances. She cannot visualize certain ideas. She doesn't understand certain things. She has sequencing issues. She has little practical sense. She cannot be trusted in an emergency. All of the tough love and education in the world won't change that now.

    I really hope you can get to a place with your son where he will let you help him make the right choices because to me, it really sounds like he needs it. That's not a fault or anything, but it is the nature of autism.
    You're kind of lucky there that your sister is agreeable. We have had that talk with my son about me having some say in where his money goes and he is extremely disagreeable . Even his disability worker wanted to go with me having some control but my son had a fit . And law he has to agree He has a fit and says were taking away his ability to be an adult . And I kind of understand that . He wants to learn his way which will be the hard way .

  6. #36
    IAmFCA
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 [Register to see the link]
    You're kind of lucky there that your sister is agreeable. We have had that talk with my son about me having some say in where his money goes and he is extremely disagreeable . Even his disability worker wanted to go with me having some control but my son had a fit . And law he has to agree He has a fit and says were taking away his ability to be an adult . And I kind of understand that . He wants to learn his way which will be the hard way .
    Its a trust thing too. He sees you as opposite from him, a control thing, rather than trusting you to give him the reins but stand in as a back up.

    It is an interesting dynamic. With rights come responsibilities. Maybe the only thing you can do is secretly plan a safety net. And communictae to him that you trust him to find his way. And then back off. So hard. Don't know.

  7. #37
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    I think it's more he wants to stand on his own 2 feet because everyone in the universe has told him he never will. So far he has proved every doctor wrong and he wants to continue to do that .

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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 [Register to see the link]
    I think it's more he wants to stand on his own 2 feet because everyone in the universe has told him he never will. So far he has proved every doctor wrong and he wants to continue to do that .
    Well that is laudable. Admire that! Don't let your fear get in his way.

  9. #39
    Fudgie
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 [Register to see the link]
    You're kind of lucky there that your sister is agreeable. We have had that talk with my son about me having some say in where his money goes and he is extremely disagreeable . Even his disability worker wanted to go with me having some control but my son had a fit . And law he has to agree He has a fit and says were taking away his ability to be an adult . And I kind of understand that . He wants to learn his way which will be the hard way .
    Yeah, we are pretty lucky. I don't know, I definitely think you're stuck in a hard spot. Sounds like his disability worker may be of the same mind as I am. There's a balance to be struck between encouraging independence in a blossoming adult and taking control of some things that a disabled adult cannot handle competently due to their disability. Does he really think that he is fine, 100%, without any external help whatsoever? Not criticizing, just wondering.

    My sister is independent to the best of her ability but there are some things that she cannot do and she knows when to ask for help because she knows that her autism makes certain tasks very difficult and she needs to seek help from someone like my parents or myself.

    I wish you luck regardless. If he is really stubborn on this, I would probably bribe him, tbh. I forsee a rocky future unless you can get him to be more pliable over time (may occur naturally) or you get the law on your side and take some control, which can be very arduous.

  10. #40
    catfeeder
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    This ^ along with a clear explanation of why YOU need him to do this. I'd tell him that I'm not going to be around forever to support him, and I need to know that this money will be available to him if anything happens to me. I'd ask him what kind of reward he'd like from me for completing the task, then I'd consider what I can afford to bribe him with.
    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 [Register to see the link]
    Yes ,I think it's just going to take a few years for him to catch up . Maybe ,when he's about 25 or so he'll understand the significance .
    It's less about getting him to understand the significance to himself right now, and more about him understanding that it's so important to YOU that you're willing to trade him something he really wants in order for him to humor you and do this for YOU.

    "I'd consider this a personal favor to me, and I'd be willing to reward you with XYZ if you'll do it for me."

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