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Thread: Semi adult stubborn child

  1. #11
    Victoria66
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    Socially speaking he is 13-15. Chronologically he is 19. So we have hit the phase of teenage power struggles.

  2. #12
    rosephase
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 [Register to see the link]
    Absolutely they do. Their planning is very poor due to the lack of executive function. Are you neuro diverse, Rosephase?
    Yes, we both love him to bits. ❤
    I'm severely dyslexic. Something that would be a lot clearer if spell check wasn't so pervasive now. While dyslexia isn't considered on the autism spectrum it is part of neuro diversity. Like your son, I was very lucky to have a supportive family that helped me fill in the gaps that come from a ridged school system. And like your son I leaned on my parents a lot to help with big overwhelming hard to understand adult stuff (like taxes, medical coverage, retirement plans, ect) long after I became a legal adult.

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  4. #13
    IThinkICan
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 [Register to see the link]
    Because my son is 19 he needs to phone our general practitioner so he can get a referral to a developmental paediatrician here in my local area. The developmental ped also looks after adults with developmental disabilities. My son needs that developmental paediatrician to fill out a government form so he can get disability tax credit and a certificate number so he can get an RDSP. ( retirement investment for the disabled.) Right now he does not " see the need." I would also have coach him how to make that call.

    Help!!!
    Can you set this up as if you both are on the same side (because you are) and engage with him as if you don't already knownthe answer?

    "Oh, interesting. Tell me more about that."

    Or, can you set it up as something you need him to do for you, since it is your money that fills the gaps, and this benefit would make those gaps smaller? So now he is helping you instead of having to do one disability thing to help himself, which may grow tiresome?

    I have very little executive function. Asking me to call people has multiple effects. I know its easy, i dont know if I will do it, and I know its easy. I neither forget or execute. It becomes baggage that clouds my thinking.

    This makes me also wonder if he is helping YOU, does that give you the ability to do more of the research, tracking of phone number, name, and outcome, forms etc. All he has to do is be on the phone.

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  6. #14
    Victoria66
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    Quote Originally Posted by IThinkICan [Register to see the link]
    Can you set this up as if you both are on the same side (because you are) and engage with him as if you don't already knownthe answer?

    "Oh, interesting. Tell me more about that."

    Or, can you set it up as something you need him to do for you, since it is your money that fills the gaps, and this benefit would make those gaps smaller? So now he is helping you instead of having to do one disability thing to help himself, which may grow tiresome?

    I have very little executive function. Asking me to call people has multiple effects. I know its easy, i dont know if I will do it, and I know its easy. I neither forget or execute. It becomes baggage that clouds my thinking.

    This makes me also wonder if he is helping YOU, does that give you the ability to do more of the research, tracking of phone number, name, and outcome, forms etc. All he has to do is be on the phone.
    Oh I have all the numbers. He would not even know what to say I would have to coach him as to what to say. It may take several tries at the call.

  7. #15
    abitbroken
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    I would let him be an adult and suffer his own consequences. maybe when he's farther into his 20s he will see the need. its far too abstract, even for a nuerotypical 19 year old who thinks they will live forever and be a millionaire soon. if you have an elderly neighbor who is struggling and he doesn't understand because they have worked all their life, you can tell them that the elderly neighbor saved money, but they couldn't save enough because they didn't open a retirement account. I would table this until after college. A year won't make a huge difference and if you push him and push, the less likely he is to do it. Let him close one chapter and when he starts to work at a job that he can manage and the topic comes up again out of someone else's mouth, revisit it.

  8. #16
    abitbroken
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    Or, can you set it up as something you need him to do for you, since it is your money that fills the gaps, and this benefit would make those gaps smaller? So now he is helping you instead of having to do one disability thing to help himself, which may grow tiresome?

    You don't want to create a codependent situation, though, where he feels responsible for his folks.

  9. #17
    Victoria66
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    I would let him be an adult and suffer his own consequences. maybe when he's farther into his 20s he will see the need. its far too abstract, even for a nuerotypical 19 year old who thinks they will live forever and be a millionaire soon. if you have an elderly neighbor who is struggling and he doesn't understand because they have worked all their life, you can tell them that the elderly neighbor saved money, but they couldn't save enough because they didn't open a retirement account. I would table this until after college. A year won't make a huge difference and if you push him and push, the less likely he is to do it. Let him close one chapter and when he starts to work at a job that he can manage and the topic comes up again out of someone else's mouth, revisit it.
    We don't have an old neighbours( military base) in fact everyone is younger than us. However, he has one set of grandparents who lost everything ( my mom and step dad) due to a jerk money investor. And the other set my inlaws who can do anything they like due to a good pension plan.

    He will be a few years finishing college . On average he's taking two years to finish a year . So it may take him six years to finish a three-year program . But yes he will still be young .

    Absolutely no 19 year old whether neurotypical or not typical can envision retirement .

  10. #18
    Victoria66
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  11. #19
    IThinkICan
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    I would let him be an adult and suffer his own consequences. maybe when he's farther into his 20s he will see the need. its far too abstract, even for a nuerotypical 19 year old who thinks they will live forever and be a millionaire soon. if you have an elderly neighbor who is struggling and he doesn't understand because they have worked all their life, you can tell them that the elderly neighbor saved money, but they couldn't save enough because they didn't open a retirement account. I would table this until after college. A year won't make a huge difference and if you push him and push, the less likely he is to do it. Let him close one chapter and when he starts to work at a job that he can manage and the topic comes up again out of someone else's mouth, revisit it.
    I disagree.

    I was raised by very loving parents who admitted they hadn't a clue so they gave up trying to guide me. Letting someone learn on his or her own is messy, expensive, and potentially dangerous. If I ticked off a list of my experiences in total, which no one person knows, many people would be sad/horrified/overwhelmed. Of my own doing, mind you. Its passive aggressive. Its a cop out.

    Better: figure it out, as Vic is doing here. Practice thought patterns until you find the logic that enourages a wayward sheep to follow.

    If someone doesn't have the skills, better to find ways to help model the thinking and behavior that is required, break the task into steps, and share the appropriate amount of responsibility.

    That is fair, and hard.

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  13. #20
    IThinkICan
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    Or, can you set it up as something you need him to do for you, since it is your money that fills the gaps, and this benefit would make those gaps smaller? So now he is helping you instead of having to do one disability thing to help himself, which may grow tiresome?

    You don't want to create a codependent situation, though, where he feels responsible for his folks.
    True.

    Maybe it is couched as his financial contribution?

    Earlier i thought, make it a game. Us against the Health System. They have a rule about 19, even as the topic is about people with different skills sets than typical for a 19 year old. Lets play their game, win free money.

    If someone were giving away money, would you turn away? Well they are, and this is how we get it. I will do the asking except on the phone, YOU have to do the asking....

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