Husband doesn't trust me

Forgive me if this is long, but I need some help. My husband and I have been together since I was 14, I am now 27. Married for 7 years. The only reason I have even given him to not trust me if that I hid that I was smoking from him for a few weeks (because I was majorly stressed out BECAUSE of him and knew he would flip out if he knew I was smoking). Which he did flip out once he found out and gave me an ultimatum, quit smoking or divorce... pretty dirty I thought. So obviously I had no choice, the marriage was more important. He is so jealous and does not trust me. He said he trusts me and it's actually other people around me he doesn't trust but I don't buy it because I have a mouth and body and I can say no. Plus uh hello I have a ring on my finger. At one point he told me I need to quit me job because my boss is a man and he kissed me on a cheek a couple of years ago when I first started (he is Lebanese and this is apparently normal for them). Anyways I told him it was weird for me and I didn't want him to do it again, which he didn't. So anyways suddenly years later for some reason this is pissing off my husband and he tells me I need to quit. Of course I said no way I'm not quitting I love my job. Then he precedes to tell me my boss matters more to me then my husband does and all this. Ugh so sick of it. We've had issues with violence in the past as well which he is actually working on. He still yells a lot and then says that the reason he yells is because I say things to "set him off". For example, today we had to go into Edmonton for a specialist appointment and he was seriously RIDING this guys ass and it was extremely icy, of course we have 2 kids in the car so I said hunny I think your a little close to that car it's pretty icy. Well that turned into me being yelled at for 45 MINUTES all the way into Edmonton. With both kids in the back listening to him f*ck this and f*ck that. Makes me sick. And I can't say anything or he will just get more mad. Today was NOT GOOD. I kicked him out a couple of months ago after he punched off my rear view mirror while we were driving and sent glass flying all over the damn car and I had to quickly pull over so we didn't ya know... die. So I called the cops that day and kicked him out. I think back to then often and sometimes wish I would've just kept him out. They're have been many other bad times.. also good times but few and far between. He's a pretty good dad when he's not angry and he works hard, but is it worth it? I'm so unhappy. We have 3 kids and we also look after my 15 year old sister which he often holds that over my head saying "I look after your sister and make all these sacrifices and you can't even make any, like quit your job". He always says I make him look like the bad guy and I'm sitting there thinking.. well then stop being the bad guy. Obv I can't say that or I'll get my head bit off. Sometimes I wish I never would have gotten married. It used to be good, I don't know how it got so bad.

Also! I have pelvic congestional disorder and the doctor wants me to try birth control to help with pain and the irregular bleeding. Of course he says "are you sure there's not something your not telling me?, this doesn't add up". Holy crap... seriously??

We've had issues with violence in the past as well which he is actually working on. He still yells a lot and then says that the reason he yells is because I say things to "set him off"

You need to get out of this marriage right now. He is abusing you. He's trying to entrap you by getting you to quit your job. He uses vulgarity at you and physically bangs objects when throwing a temper tantrum.

And he is abusing you in front of your all's children.

Your children deserves to see a mother and father respecting each other, or how will they learn to respect their own spouses in the future?

His anger is a major safety issue for you and your children. You're lucky he hasn't physically assaulted you yet. He is a ticking bomb and he will turn on you eventually the longer you stay with him.

He's a pretty good dad

If he is dropping F-bombs around children and intentionally endangers their lives by driving recklessly while they're in the car with him, then he is a F'ing terrible father.

I feel bad for your kids who are forced to ride in a car with a reckless driver and have to witness this a-hole mistreat their mother, who refuses to put on her big girl pants and end this marriage of abuse. All of this is going to influence them in a very negative way.

There was one incident about a year ago when he held me by the throat but wasn't squeezing. Just holding me so I couldn't move. No kids were there. It was at that point I thought what the hell have I done with my life. I've actually prayed that he would cheat on me so I could get out without hurting him. I know.. pathetic.

I'm just afraid of how to do it alone. I want the kids with me. And our bank accounts are connected so I don't know how I would go about handling that. I can't afford a lawyer.

This guy is a typical abuser and he wants you to quit your job to isolate you and make you completely dependent on him. You need to contact, privately, a domestic abuse hotline and start a plan to get the heck away from him. He abuses you in front of your children and is likely to start abusing them as you mention that he is only a good father when he has control of his temper. This man is dangerous and things are NOT going to get better. You should read -- completely away from him -- Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft so that you can see the cycles of your relationship are NO DIFFERENT than any other abusive relationship. He latched on to you while you were very young and you can't really so how bad this is. Once you get away, you will.

You know what you have to do. I'm sorry. I'd look into a woman's shelter if you don't have a place to go and start speaking to an attorney. Women shelters have connections to attorneys that are low rates.

Can your sister stay with someone else? Where are your parents? Any aunts, uncles, or grandparents who can take her in? Because your household is extremely dangerous.

I also feel sad because he doesn't really have any family and wouldn't have anyone. He doesn't have friends either (I wonder why lol)

National Domestic Violence Hotline -- 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

They can help you make a plan.

And OF COURSE he doesn't have anyone else -- look at how he treats those he loves!!! Don't feel bad for him -- he has created this situation. What you are basically saying is you should stay and be abused and your children should learn to think this is normal because he might by lonely. That makes no sense.

He also thinks the church is affecting me and my thinking. He thinks it's making me "not be able to handle him". When really I've just had enough. He always blames someone else

I also feel sad because he doesn't really have any family and wouldn't have anyone. He doesn't have friends either (I wonder why lol)

You don't worry about this. Your and your children's safety comes first. There are social consequences for people who mistreat and abuse others.

Don't feel sorry for him. Just go.

I've thought about secretly saving money as a safety net and then going. I always feel bad because my 11 year old says I would be sad if daddy didn't live with us. But she also said, "I don't want dad to go but I don't want him to be here if he's going to be like this". That spoke volumes to me.

How are you going to "secretly" save money if he's demanding that you quit? And if you refuse to quit, what do you think he'll do? Bash you upside the head? Disable your car and refuses to fix it so that you can't go to work and get fired?

He seriously seems to be THAT kind of guy. Based on the information you provided, he has irrational anger issues. You cannot fix his anger. You cannot risk staying with him anymore because he is potentially violent.

Divorce sucks for kids, but they do not deserve to be in a hostile environment where they witness mom being abused and daddy becoming physically violent. Staying with an abusive spouse sets your children up for failure and low self esteem.

Again, call the number that was posted here so EXPERTS can help you with this.

Okay thank you. I know these things. I just keep hoping things will get better and he says he will be better after things are bad. It's like a honeymoon phase. My sister told me she learn in CALM at school that I am in a mentally abusive relationship, I felt awful for her. Because I said I know. It's my fault because I keep us here. I feel like he had such a messed up upbringing that he thinks this is normal or that it's not as bad as I make it out to be. We've apparently gotten over the quitting the job thing because I said no way I'm quitting my job if your gonna try to force me then you can leave. And that turned into a long drawn out fight but eventually he admitted he was in the wrong. Something's gotta give. My sister stays with us because my dad died and my mom has very bad bi polar disorder. She's very unstable. My sister was taken away and we took private guardianship of her. Anyways, there's no one she can stay with in town that are relatives at this time. I would have to work it out by just having her with me. I'm a hard working and make pretty good money as a hair stylist. It's just getting it all sorted out I guess.

He is a manipulative, abusive, insecure bully! You know that this is not healthy, or right. You are also damaging your kids by staying in the hostile environment.

It's time to end this, before he kills someone. Move in with your friends if you can. I'm sure that there are abuse hotlines that you can call that will give you a number of resources. Also, if it is a joint account, then you are entitled to some of the money.

It is YOUR responsibility to get your kids out of this.

I just keep hoping things will get better and he says he will be better after things are bad.

Yeaaaaa, whatever. Not when he grabbed your throat and started choking you. You shouldn't continue to take anymore chances after that.

Him putting his hands on you is the final straw to say "I'm done."

It's my fault because I keep us here.

First of all, his behavior is not your fault. The only person who is responsible for your behavior is you. The fact your husband BLAMES others for his reaction and behavior shows he's the type of person who doesn't take accountability for himself- and it's a glaring red flag to call quits from this marriage.

feel like he had such a messed up upbringing that he thinks this is normal or that it's not as bad as I make it out to be.

So he had a rough childhood that caused him to be violent. Do you want your children to be influence by him and take on the same path within their own adulthood then?

You need to break this cycle before in influences your children's behavior.

We've apparently gotten over the quitting the job thing because I said no way I'm quitting my job if your gonna try to force me then you can leave. And that turned into a long drawn out fight but eventually he admitted he was in the wrong.

There shouldn't have been a fight in this. He's the one who decide to draw it out and push an ultimatum on you, thinking you're going to back down and give. What your boss did was VERY wrong and inappropriate no matter what culture he is from (he had no business putting his lips on you), but he has backed off and you worked it out. Your husband had no business getting in the middle of it.

My sister stays with us because my dad died and my mom has very bad bi polar disorder. She's very unstable. My sister was taken away and we took private guardianship of her.

Sorry that's happened to your sister. So here's a tough question:

If you divorced from your husband and are living as a single mother raising two kids, can you financially afford to care for a third person?

She may have to move to live with a relative because you are in a very rocky AND dangerous situation with your abusive marriage. I know she is your sister and you are doing everything you can to keep the family together, but as of right now the needs of your immediate family (your children) come first. Your primary responsibility is taking care of your own children. If you can't afford to take care of your sister, then she needs to move in with an aunt/uncle or grandparents who can provide her a stable home. You can't offer a stable, safe environment for her- much less for any child- until you move out from your husband and finalize the divorce.

And by the way, you have a higher chance of getting custody of the kids if he already has a police record, and he will be expected to pay for child support. However, he cannot pay child support to your sister because she is not his child.

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Here's today's issue... always something. Even when he's a work!!

Excellent. That means you have an avenue out. Read up on 'red flags for abusive relations' and 'controlling relationships'. talk to a lawyer about your options. Start researching and keep yourself, your sister and kids safe from this.

I'm a hard working and make pretty good money as a hair stylist.

So what are you going to do?

Right now, go to another bank that is not the one you use and open a separate account. Put some money in there every week until you leave. Or keep it as cash and buy a visa gift card. Do you have family in the area or a friend that you could go to temporarily? I would call the local abuse hotline and ask to receive counseling. They will help you! Do not by any means quit your job. That is a big way to control. Next he'll take your car. Document everything. Practice leaving. Make sure to make copies of all your important papers and put them in a purse and leave the same time every day so your neighbors are used to seeing you leave and come back with a bag. Then one day go. Since you are taking care of your sister, i doubt if your parents can help. Do you make enough money to get a small apartment? I would consult an attorney and tell them everything - that you had called the police before - the women's shelter might make a recommendation - you can't just take the kids permanently without a legal arrangement - but you can go for the night if you are afraid or have him kicked out of the house.

I have to admit I find this all very very disturbing. OP, when are you going to set the wheels in motion and do something about the situation for your childrens' sake? He is by no means an amazing dad - in fact, the total opposite is true! Your children are in a very abusive, toxic and very dysfunctional home. They rely on YOU for their well being and safety. YOU need to get out and the sooner the better. See a lawyer. Set the wheels in motion for divorce. File for an AVO. Contact an abuse hotline. Go to a women's shelter with your children. Just DO something. Staying with him is telling your children that this abusive behaviour is all right. They are learning by your example and their father's example. Is this really what you want? Your children growing up in such an abusive and toxic environment? You owe it to them to grow up in a stable and loving environment.

I have to admit I find this all very very disturbing. OP, when are you going to set the wheels in motion and do something about the situation for your childrens' sake? He is by no means an amazing dad - in fact, the total opposite is true! Your children are in a very abusive, toxic and very dysfunctional home. They rely on YOU for their well being and safety. YOU need to get out and the sooner the better. See a lawyer. Set the wheels in motion for divorce. File for an AVO. Contact an abuse hotline. Go to a women's shelter with your children. Just DO something. Staying with him is telling your children that this abusive behaviour is all right. They are learning by your example and their father's example. Is this really what you want? Your children growing up in such an abusive and toxic environment? You owe it to them to grow up in a stable and loving environment.

Yes, you can change the lives of your children to save them from growing up to be abusers themselves or accepting abuse by being a strong mother. If you can't do it for yourself - do it for them.

The "good things" that I see people citing are usually things that the other person does that any basic human being should do - a day of not yelling, taking out the garbage that any person can do. Maybe he provides financially for the kids or does not yet take his anger out on them - its most common for an abuser to only abuse the one closest to them, but the kids can be next or he abuses them now in a more subtle way.

If you make decent money as a hairdresser, you can do this. He'll have to contribute child support either way, too. But you have to do something now.

Victoria on this forum has seen it first hand - her mother's friend was killed by her abuser. If he is so violent that he will endanger his own life in the car and has put his hand on your throat, all he has to do is squeeze or veer off the road. Don't be next.