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Thread: Is my recruiter asking me out?

  1. #1
    wai
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    Is my recruiter asking me out?

    Hi ENA,

    So ive been looking for a job recently and i just got a verbal job offer a few days back and i decided to take it. The recruiter guy who got me a job came out of his way to see me on the interview day. I felt like he came to check me out intentionally. May be i am wrong not sure.

    So now that i got the job offer, he asked me to celebrate with him. I gave him a very vague answer and now he texted me again if i could do lunch with him this Friday. Im not sure if its a date or its just professional lunch date. I am in a committed relationship and if its a date i dont want to go.

    Can anyone tell if its a date or professional lunch? Im confused cuz ive changed so many jobs and never did lunch date with any of my recruiters before

  2. #2
    Wiseman2
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    Does he get a commission from the employer when someone he refers is hired? Go to the lunch think of it as and act like it's a business lunch. Be professional. Nothing wrong with saying 'my bf and I are celebrating my new job this weekend'.
    Quote Originally Posted by wai [Register to see the link]
    So now that i got the job offer, he asked me to celebrate with him. I gave him a very vague answer and now he texted me again if i could do lunch with him this Friday. Im not sure if its a date or its just professional lunch date. I am in a committed relationship and if its a date i dont want to go.

  3. #3
    j.man
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    Don't know. But with it being lunch, it sounds harmless either way. I'd take him up on a friendly lunch and cross that bridge should he actually ask you out again after.

  4. #4
    wai
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiseman2 [Register to see the link]
    Does he get a commission from the employer when someone he refers is hired? Go to the lunch think of it as and act like it's a business lunch. Be professional. Nothing wrong with saying 'my bf and I are celebrating my new job this weekend'.
    Yes he does get commission. I am a little swamp at work these days. So im thinking of telling him to do lunch in two weeks when things slow down a bit. Is that a good idea?

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    Wiseman2
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    What if you ever need his services again? Don't play games. Do the lunch and get it over with. Make it brief and businesslike. It's not a date and delaying it in this passive-aggressive manner is rude and not professional because of your assumption that putting it off will deter him from "dating" you.
    Quote Originally Posted by wai [Register to see the link]
    Yes he does get commission. I am a little swamp at work these days. So im thinking of telling him to do lunch in two weeks when things slow down a bit. Is that a good idea?

  6. #6
    wai
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiseman2 [Register to see the link]
    What if you ever need his services again? Don't play games. Do the lunch and get it over with. Make it brief and businesslike. It's not a date and delaying it in this passive-aggressive manner is rude and not professional because of your assumption that putting it off will deter him from "dating" you.
    Its true! But im actually very busy at work these days. Just got back from 3 weeks vacation. He knows that also.

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    JaggerJim
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    It's a date! Don't go!

  8. #8
    annie24
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    Just a thought.... you can say something like, "Thanks for the offer, yes I would like to catch up with you but I'm swamped with work and next week my boyfriend's family will be in town, so can we meet for lunch in 2 weeks?" You know, if you discreetly throw it in so he knows this is just networking for you.

  9. #9
    wai
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    Quote Originally Posted by annie24 [Register to see the link]
    Just a thought.... you can say something like, "Thanks for the offer, yes I would like to catch up with you but I'm swamped with work and next week my boyfriend's family will be in town, so can we meet for lunch in 2 weeks?" You know, if you discreetly throw it in so he knows this is just networking for you.
    Very great response. I wish i saw it a little earlier. I just told him i will do lunch in 2 weeks without mentioning the boyfriend part. I will try to say something along that line when i get a chance

  10. #10
    ParisPaulette
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    I'm torn, because I'm really not sure why a recruiter would be asking a new recruit out to lunch. Alarm bells are going off here, because I find it really weird you haven't even started yet and the recruiter is asking you to lunch with him? I would get it if he said something like, "Please do lunch, your general manager will be there and the woman you're taking over from since we'd all like to relax and get to know you a bit better before you hit the ground running." But to just ask you out to lunch with no mention of the business aspect? Yeah, that to me is a red flag. And a good recruiter, a reputable one, usually has an awareness that they don't want to be doing things that can be misconstrued by people--like trying to maneuver new recruits into dating them, because they were given a job. And yet that's what this guy just potentially did.

    Have you even spoken to anyone else in the company? Do you know you got the job from anyone else other than him and have you gone through the normal process of forms to fill out, training, being shown around the place, introduced to coworkers etc? If yes, this might not be so bad, if no I'd be more than a little suspicious of his motives there. And a whole lot more careful, as in looking up if this guy even works for said company or if you really got the job suspicious.

    It's time to do a bit of homework on your own to make sure this is a business lunch and not him thinking he now has a date, and getting potentially ugly when you say no to him. Why not just try a more direct approach. Text him and say, "Hey, just a curiosity who else is going to be there for this business lunch and any tips for a good first impression if it's my boss would be much appreciated, thanks." That way you make it very clear this is a business lunch, you expect other people who work for the company to be there. And you kind of push him into the position of either admitting there won't be other people there or he will tell you so and so will be there.

    I get business lunches, I do them with clients all the time, but it's discuss the job. You need to find out if this lunch is about the job or what it is he wants to discuss with you over lunch. And yes, you are within your rights to ask for that.

    If it comes out that other people aren't going to be there, thank him for that information, but focus on starting your job there, getting grooved in, and quietly finding out from your fellow coworkers and your HR Department if they have one whether or not he's someone to be trusted, and maybe just never go.

    Personally, I think he's crossed a business ethics line. It's different when you are working there and you know someone well enough to understand and just do lunch with them or you're going to work on a project and want to iron out details over a pleasant lunch or if a group of workers want to get to know you. But I can't see an intimate lunch with the guy who just got you hired as turning out well for you when or if you have to reject his advances. And yeah, if he's lined this up as a "date" in his head and taken advantage of that he is the type to most likely turn ugly.

    The best way to get out of a bad situation often times is don't go there in the first place, so you need to find out a whole lot more about why this lunch is happening, who else will be there, and what the expectations will be ahead of time. Or you just don't go and you're too busy or you do that lunch and show up with several coworkers in tow later down the line giving him no opportunity to be anything but professional. And the best way to do that is no alone time that can be misconstrued by him.
    Last edited by ParisPaulette; 01-09-2017 at 11:04 PM.

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