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Thread: Is my recruiter asking me out?

  1. #11
    Jeffbobo
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    I switched jobs last summer with the help of a recruiter. The guy was very professional and always followed up. When I got the job at my new company, he offered to meet for lunch on him to celebrate. He has also followed up with me every few months to see how I'm doing as well as to see if I have any potential colleagues looking to switch companies.

    I view all of this as part of professional networking. This recruiter did a stellar job and was very professional. I'd gladly send business his way. And for the record, he never tried to put the moves on me.

  2. #12
    wai
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    Quote Originally Posted by ParisPaulette [Register to see the link]
    I'm torn, because I'm really not sure why a recruiter would be asking a new recruit out to lunch. Alarm bells are going off here, because I find it really weird you haven't even started yet and the recruiter is asking you to lunch with him? I would get it if he said something like, "Please do lunch, your general manager will be there and the woman you're taking over from since we'd all like to relax and get to know you a bit better before you hit the ground running." But to just ask you out to lunch with no mention of the business aspect? Yeah, that to me is a red flag. And a good recruiter, a reputable one, usually has an awareness that they don't want to be doing things that can be misconstrued by people--like trying to maneuver new recruits into dating them, because they were given a job. And yet that's what this guy just potentially did.

    Have you even spoken to anyone else in the company? Do you know you got the job from anyone else other than him and have you gone through the normal process of forms to fill out, training, being shown around the place, introduced to coworkers etc? If yes, this might not be so bad, if no I'd be more than a little suspicious of his motives there. And a whole lot more careful, as in looking up if this guy even works for said company or if you really got the job suspicious.

    It's time to do a bit of homework on your own to make sure this is a business lunch and not him thinking he now has a date, and getting potentially ugly when you say no to him. Why not just try a more direct approach. Text him and say, "Hey, just a curiosity who else is going to be there for this business lunch and any tips for a good first impression if it's my boss would be much appreciated, thanks." That way you make it very clear this is a business lunch, you expect other people who work for the company to be there. And you kind of push him into the position of either admitting there won't be other people there or he will tell you so and so will be there.

    I get business lunches, I do them with clients all the time, but it's discuss the job. You need to find out if this lunch is about the job or what it is he wants to discuss with you over lunch. And yes, you are within your rights to ask for that.

    If it comes out that other people aren't going to be there, thank him for that information, but focus on starting your job there, getting grooved in, and quietly finding out from your fellow coworkers and your HR Department if they have one whether or not he's someone to be trusted, and maybe just never go.

    Personally, I think he's crossed a business ethics line. It's different when you are working there and you know someone well enough to understand and just do lunch with them or you're going to work on a project and want to iron out details over a pleasant lunch or if a group of workers want to get to know you. But I can't see an intimate lunch with the guy who just got you hired as turning out well for you when or if you have to reject his advances. And yeah, if he's lined this up as a "date" in his head and taken advantage of that he is the type to most likely turn ugly.

    The best way to get out of a bad situation often times is don't go there in the first place, so you need to find out a whole lot more about why this lunch is happening, who else will be there, and what the expectations will be ahead of time. Or you just don't go and you're too busy or you do that lunch and show up with several coworkers in tow later down the line giving him no opportunity to be anything but professional. And the best way to do that is no alone time that can be misconstrued by him.
    That's how i felt too but i didnt know how to put it in words like you. When he came see me right before the interview, i felt like he came to check me out. Ive rarely met my recruiters before. Ive changed jobs so many times. They only works over the phone. Ive never been asked out to lunch also like this from a recruiter. He said we should celebrate for the new job together when i am back from my vacation.

    Ive spoken to one other person in his team. I've also filled out forms ect. The hiring company has initiated background check. Then will send me official offer letter directly sometime this week. So thats another reason i kinda dragged this lunch date along without mentioning the bf part. I want to get my offer letter, then may be i can just say no to him. He works for a recruitng company, not the company im gonna be working for. So obviously there's gonna be no business manager that he wants me to meet.

  3. #13
    wai
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeffbobo [Register to see the link]
    I switched jobs last summer with the help of a recruiter. The guy was very professional and always followed up. When I got the job at my new company, he offered to meet for lunch on him to celebrate. He has also followed up with me every few months to see how I'm doing as well as to see if I have any potential colleagues looking to switch companies.

    I view all of this as part of professional networking. This recruiter did a stellar job and was very professional. I'd gladly send business his way. And for the record, he never tried to put the moves on me.
    Good for you. I work with men mostly. And i get hit on all the time. Even my grandpa age do that to me. Usually when i see someone a lot older than me i treat them with respect and they take it the wrong way. In my previous job, two very old men ask me for group lunch, i always go with them cuz its in group. Until one day i found out one of the guy wants to sleep with me. I was very disgusted and cut ties with them all. May be im a still a little scared from my past experience and think this recruiter is hitting on me. I have to say he's young and cute. If i wasnt in a commited relationship, i may have went out with him, no question asked.

  4. #14
    Jeffbobo
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    Quote Originally Posted by wai [Register to see the link]
    Good for you. I work with men mostly. And i get hit on all the time. Even my grandpa age do that to me. Usually when i see someone a lot older than me i treat them with respect and they take it the wrong way. In my previous job, two very old men ask me for group lunch, i always go with them cuz its in group. Until one day i found out one of the guy wants to sleep with me. I was very disgusted and cut ties with them all. May be im a still a little scared from my past experience and think this recruiter is hitting on me. I have to say he's young and cute. If i wasnt in a commited relationship, i may have went out with him, no question asked.
    I worked with two recruiters when I switched jobs. The other one sucked arse. The recruiter world is pretty cutthroat and I'm constantly bombarded by countless recruiters. The way that I see my experience with the "stellar" recruiter is that he was ambitious, professional and went above and beyond to make a good impression all in the name of potential future business. He stood out in a sea of recruiters. I'm just relating my experience and it *could* be that your recruiter is like mine and not trying to get into your pants. I guess that's just how I approach things with people until proven otherwise. I can understand where you're coming from given your past experiences though and if it doesn't feel right, all you have to do is politely decline and that's the end of it.

  5. #15
    Wiseman2
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    This 100%. I think it's rude to assume he's into you and not see this for what it is. It's usually an error to assume anyone with a y chromosome is after you. That's not how professionals think.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jeffbobo [Register to see the link]
    When I got the job at my new company, he offered to meet for lunch on him to celebrate. He has also followed up with me every few months to see how I'm doing as well as to see if I have any potential colleagues looking to switch companies. I view all of this as part of professional networking. This recruiter did a stellar job and was very professional. I'd gladly send business his way. And for the record, he never tried to put the moves on me.

  6. #16
    ParisPaulette
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    I want to get my offer letter, then may be i can just say no to him. He works for a recruiting company, not the company im gonna be working for. So obviously there's gonna be no business manager that he wants me to meet.
    This is a solid plan. You haven't even gotten an offer letter yet, so I'm not sure why he thinks there's anything to celebrate? Focus on the job, if you get it and he's not gotten pushy or inappropriate on his communication, then you can examine whether or not you want to do the lunch once you've started the job.

    Also trust your instincts. None of us were there, you were. You know if the guy was being professional or inappropriate. If the situation feels off to you then pay attention to that. Too many people don't to their detriment. I'm a huge fan of the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker for that reason.

    Just proceed with caution, but really there's nothing to celebrate until you even get the job. After that based on what you know about the guy and how professional and appropriate he either remains or doesn't you can decide whether or not to do that lunch.

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