Do I seem like I'm playing games?

I have been dating a new guy for a few weeks now, and I'm not comfortable enough to sleep with him yet. We talked about it, I explained my values, and that I don't do things I'm not proud of. He said he understood and respected me too much to want to make me uncomfortable and mess up our new relationship.

I ended up in a situation where we were out and spent the night together in the same bed, but nothing happened and he didn't try to force himself into me. He's always such a gentleman and makes me feel very safe, which is why I like him so much. He did make a comment that sometimes he'll want to see if my boundaries are still there since boundaries change with time, but to let him know if I'm uncomfortable and he will stop.

Since I met him on Christmas vacation and we spent that entire week together, we are now back at work. I have been seeing him no less than 3 times every week, and he plans all the days (based on my schedule) that he'll see me after our last date for the week. He also just got $700 VIP tickets to a music festival in June for us, and has been talking about vacationing together.

He sort of invited me to a family event Sunday but I could hear it in his voice he expected me to say "no" (which I did). He then got a wedding invitation for his buddy's wedding in September and excitedly showed it to me asking if I thought it was cool. I said yes but made no further inquiries. He took me for a luxury spa day with him at a beautiful resort yesterday, and then out for an amazing dinner and wine (I insisted I paid for dinner). I agreed to go back to his place because I love spending time with him, we have the same sense of humor, he's easy and fun to be around and I love being close to him.

We ended up making out watching a movie, but I stopped before things got heated. Then he just cuddled with me and goes "So that's your boundary. Okay". He never seemed pissed or annoyed, just super sweet and gentle as always. He asked me why I am afraid of intimacy.

I explained I'm not but I want to really know who he is before blindsiding myself and complicating things with sex. He said part of figuring out if you like someone is sexual compatibility and what if I fall in love with him only to learn he sucks in bed? I said we have all the time in the world to figure that out, I just want to get to know him. He asked what I wanted to know, and I honestly told him there was nothing he could tell me, I just needed to see for myself. Words mean nothing, I have no rules, only my intuition and emotions.

We cuddled and playfully joked with each other for the rest of the night, and he made plans to see me 3 more times this week. I love spending time with him, and he said he can't wait to see me again either.

I'm afraid I'll turn him off by not sleeping with him. He said he was never into one night stands and wants something serious with me. He said he's not a player or anything, and really likes me. I'm just not ready, but I don't want him to think I'm playing games.

If you not having sex with him turns him off, then he's not the right guy for you. The right guy will always respect your boundaries and wait patiently until you're ready to take the next step. Don't do anything you're not ready for!

And by the way, your line of thinking is very healthy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I think you are wise to move slowly in at least one area of this relationship (sexual contact) -- everything else is moving SO fast, though! As long as he understands that your intimacy "issues" are values-based and not fear-based or because you aren't attracted to him, I think you are safe to keep that boundary intact. He seems like a great guy who is really into you. I think he knows you're worth the wait.

It doesn't look like you are playing games since you are open and honest and not leading him on. If you did more than just make out like rubbing his crotch or getting naked in front of him and teasing him sexually that would be playing games but since you are taking things slow and expressing your boundaries it looks good to me.

If he is really into you then he will wait. It seems like he is spending a lot of money when he is with you though. Is that normal for him? Is he really well off or is he trying really hard with you and spending money he may not have?

Lost

It sounds like he likes you and respects your boundaries. He may be concerned that he's wasting a lot of money wining dining and courting you and you are friendzoning him.

You need to stop sleeping over his place and stop seeing each other that much if you need to 'go slow' and not use vague answers like "I have no rules, only my intuition and emotions", which sounds like you're leading them on for material reasons.

For example a less string along answer may be "when we are ready to be exclusive" or something a bit less capricious than "your intuition".

he'll want to see if my boundaries are still there since boundaries change with time, but to let him know if I'm uncomfortable and he will stop.He asked me why I am afraid of intimacy. He said part of figuring out if you like someone is sexual compatibility and what if I fall in love with him only to learn he sucks in bed?

I don't think you're playing games. I think you're moving at a pace that you're comfortable with, and that's great. You're being honest, and that's all someone can really ask. You did say that he plans the times that the two of you see each other. He sounds like he likes and respects you and your boundaries, and you shouldn't change them for him, but you should give him reassurance that you like him in some way.

He said part of figuring out if you like someone is sexual compatibility and what if I fall in love with him only to learn he sucks in bed?

And it was all going so well ....... What a load of bull!

Still, in answer to your question .... no, it doesn't seem as though you are playing games. You are being honest and upfront with him. You have your boundaries and you've told him that.

As greta said, if not having sex with him turns him off then he isn't the right guy for you. If he likes you enough to want to make it work, he will wait for you. If not, well, at least you know he wasn't the one for you and you made the right choice by not having sex with him.

I wouldn't call it playing games. I think you are being rather defensive rather than assertive in how you want to date him. Show him with your actions. Initiate dates, don't do sleepovers until you are ready for sex to be addressed. It's only been a few weeks. You don't have to explain yourself or worry about him being turned off by lack of sex - it's so soon to be having those conversations, and it just tells you he is comfortable with sex now while you aren't.

I'd just advise being less passive in the dating process. He's courting you heavily - if it's too much too soon, slow it down. Take the reigns a bit

Agree with this. Sexless sleep-overs are nonsense unless you are too drunk to go home. If you don't want sex, don't sleep in his bed, etc. Go home after dates.

Initiate dates, don't do sleepovers until you are ready for sex to be addressed. It's only been a few weeks.

I think sharing a bed with someone is almost as intimate as having sex. It will cause a lot of confusion if you do that.

Slightly different take. Imo, sexless sleepovers, especially so early on, is not just playing games, but playing with fire too. Your words and actions are not matching up and you don't know the guy well enough to know his character or lack of. You are saying that you want to take it slow but then you end up in the guy's bed? That can end badly for you one day as he may take your actions for invitation and consent and your words as just silly girl playing hard to get or just trying to pretend she is "a good girl".

Nothing wrong with not wanting to jump into bed with just any guy you've barely met. However, approach it with confidence and a bit of sense. Meaning keep your dates public, do not get into his bed, do not have any kind sleepovers unless and until you actually want to have sex and are ready for it. As others have already said, take some control of what you do and don't do and how. Just because he plans a date that ends at his place, doesn't mean you need to agree to it. It's your prerogative to adjust plans to suit your needs. Always keep in mind that the guy with the right intentions will understand and respect that and you don't even need to spell it out for him and the wrong guy will see your actions and run off to find easier targets.

Slightly different take. Imo, sexless sleepovers, especially so early on, is not just playing games, but playing with fire too. Your words and actions are not matching up and you don't know the guy well enough to know his character or lack of. You are saying that you want to take it slow but then you end up in the guy's bed? That can end badly for you one day as he may take your actions for invitation and consent and your words as just silly girl playing hard to get or just trying to pretend she is "a good girl".

 

Nothing wrong with not wanting to jump into bed with just any guy you've barely met. However, approach it with confidence and a bit of sense. Meaning keep your dates public, do not get into his bed, do not have any kind sleepovers unless and until you actually want to have sex and are ready for it. As others have already said, take some control of what you do and don't do and how. Just because he plans a date that ends at his place, doesn't mean you need to agree to it. It's your prerogative to adjust plans to suit your needs. Always keep in mind that the guy with the right intentions will understand and respect that and you don't even need to spell it out for him and the wrong guy will see your actions and run off to find easier targets.

So you think it's best not to go to his place after dates at all. I really felt that way too, he mentioned that one of our date nights can be at his place this week but I didn't really give him an answer. I guess my biggest fear is sleeping with him and then he starts treating me poorly. I've had such bad experiences with men in the past I'm honestly scared. The dilemma is that he's completely different from all the bad guys and makes me feel so safe and valued.

Since I did spend the night with him on NYE at his parent's, he made me dinner at his place the other night, and we went to his place after our date yesterday, will he feel rejected if I suddenly stop the home visits? We are very affectionate with eachother and I'm sure he can tell I'm attracted to him. He mentioned he felt I was lowering my guards a bit but do you think he'll see me pulling back as some sort of red flag?

I want to be considerate of his feelings, but also make good choices.

So you think it's best not to go to his place after dates at all. I really felt that way too, he mentioned that one of our date nights can be at his place this week but I didn't really give him an answer.

 

I guess my biggest fear is sleeping with him and then he starts treating me poorly. I've had such bad experiences with men in the past I'm honestly scared. The dilemma is that he's completely different from all the bad guys and makes me feel so safe and valued.

Since I did spend the night with him on NYE at his parent's, he made me dinner at his place the other night, and we went to his place after our date yesterday, will he feel rejected if I suddenly stop the home visits? We are very affectionate with eachother and I'm sure he can tell I'm attracted to him. He mentioned he felt I was lowering my guards a bit but do you think he'll see me pulling back as some sort of red flag?

 

I want to be considerate of his feelings, but also make good choices.

First bold - I think it's okay to spend time at his place, just don't sleep over or share a bed.

Second bold -- Keep in mind, no matter how long you wait, he can always still treat you poorly after sex. It's a chance you have to be willing to take.

Waiting is NO guarantee he will stick around afterwards. Things (feelings) often change after sex, it's a game changer for sure.

If you are not willing to take the risk due to fear of possibly being dumped or being treated poorly afterwards, perhaps you are not ready to date at all. Cause having sex with your partner IS part of dating. A big part actually imo.

At some point, you have to have faith and trust in your connection and that he WILL stick around.

If he doesn't, then you deal with it then, but again waiting X amount of weeks or months is no guarantee.

Yes after awhile, he WILL most likely think you are not attracted to him ... but if you're not comfortable and/or your fears are too great, then don't have sex.

Wait till you are comfortable with it and when you have faith and trust and feel safe and valued as you said. Those are your boundaries to which you are entitled to have.

Just keep in mind what I said above, waiting in NO guarantee that it will work out afterwards.

Dating, relationships, sex are all one big risk no matter how you long you wait.

Hard truth.

Having dinner, being affectionate with each other, having a little fun however much you are comfortable with, BUT going home at a decent time is one thing. Sleeping over, sharing a bed together when you are not ready for sex is something else.

Sounds like at some point soon you will need to address your own inner demons. Sex doesn't make a guy bad, they were aholes before you ever went there, you just went there without realizing the guy is an ahole. So it makes sense for you to become more selective and get to know them better before going there. As in spending sufficient time in his company to understand he is not an ahole and therefore someone that is OK to keep around and therefore sleep with.

You've only been dating a few weeks and yes you are moving too fast. To be honest he could dump you at any time before or after sex.

Does he expect or demand you sleep over? if not why are you doing it when you don't even know him or know if you're exclusive?

I guess my biggest fear is sleeping with him and then he starts treating me poorly. I've had such bad experiences with men in the past I'm honestly scared.

You've only been dating a few weeks and yes you are moving too fast. To be honest he could dump you at any time before or after sex.

 

Does he expect or demand you sleep over? if not why are you doing it when you don't even know him or know if you're exclusive?

He asked me if we were exclusive on NYE and told me I'm the only person he's seeing. I was a little uncomfortable having "the talk" so soon but told him he had my full attention. He then proceeded to tag me on Facebook in a million couples pictures (lovely photos) we had taken together plus a video he made of our night together.

All his friends and family commented and he told me he told them all about me and stuff. Every guy who was interested in me messaged me online asking "why him and not me" and if I was serious about him and I told them "yes". The only thing we haven't done is update our relationship status on FB (which I'm not ready for) but he comments on all my posts so everyone knows we are dating anyhow.

He does not demand anything of me and never tries to make me feel guilty. He's so understanding and such a gentleman, he never gropes me or gives excessive compliments about my appearance. He's the best man I've ever dated.

I ended up sleeping in the same bed with him when we planned to sleep in separate rooms on NYE at his parent's. We stayed there because he had spent so much money on our party plans I didn't want him to get a hotel when his parents place was 10 minutes away. Our night was unbelievable and I had tons of champagne. When we got home he went to kiss me goodnight and asked me if I wanted him to stay the night with me, I said "yes" caught in the moment and we fell asleep together. Nothing happened and he didn't try anything.

That was the only time but he's been suggesting it since he lives 10 minutes from my job when I live 40 minutes from it and it snows a ton where we are.

This is probably a typical man response, but I wouldn't be too keen on waiting for you.

If after 3 dates (with no sex) and getting to know you, I'd expect you to be putting out by then. Dating is meant to be fun, and no sex = no fun for me.

He asked me if we were exclusive on NYE and told me I'm the only person he's seeing. I was a little uncomfortable having "the talk" so soon but told him he had my full attention. He then proceeded to tag me on Facebook in a million couples pictures (lovely photos) we had taken together plus a video he made of our night together.

All his friends and family commented and he told me he told them all about me and stuff. Every guy who was interested in me messaged me online asking "why him and not me" and if I was serious about him and I told them "yes". The only thing we haven't done is update our relationship status on FB (which I'm not ready for) but he comments on all my posts so everyone knows we are dating anyhow.

 

He does not demand anything of me and never tries to make me feel guilty. He's so understanding and such a gentleman, he never gropes me or gives excessive compliments about my appearance. He's the best man I've ever dated.

I ended up sleeping in the same bed with him when we planned to sleep in separate rooms on NYE at his parent's. We stayed there because he had spent so much money on our party plans I didn't want him to get a hotel when his parents place was 10 minutes away. Our night was unbelievable and I had tons of champagne. When we got home he went to kiss me goodnight and asked me if I wanted him to stay the night with me, I said "yes" caught in the moment and we fell asleep together. Nothing happened and he didn't try anything.

 

I dunno, maybe this is a dumb question, but what "are" you waiting for? He sounds like a dream come true and like he absolutely adores you! Patient, understanding, caring, loving, not pressuring you, the whole nine.

And wants to express that physically, as well as how he HAS been expressing it. Which is normal, it's what couples do when they feel a close connection and bond, which it certainly sounds like he feels for you from everything you have posted.

You also said earlier you DO feel valued and cherished. That HE makes you feel that way.

What more do you need?

Just curious.

I hope to gawd this isn't some sort of "test" to see if or how long he's willing to wait, so as to "prove" his feelings, because if it is, that my dear is manipulation.

So I hope that isn't the case.

Also OP, did HE accuse you of playing games?

If not then I find the title of your thread quite telling.

If HE didn't accuse you of playing games, what prompted you to ask if it sounds like you are playing games?

Are you playing games? And are wondering if HE senses that?

Again, just curious cause again if he didn't accuse you of such, I am wondering why you would think you are.... enough to ask us.

And by games, I mean "testing" him. As in, if he agrees to be patient wait, not knowing if or even when I will be ready, then he's into me and won't ghost afterwards. If not, all he wants is sex and will ghost afterwards.

I am not accusing you of feeling or testing him in this way, but many women DO test men in this way, so the idea is not that far out in left field.

I dunno, maybe this is a dumb question, but what "are" you waiting for? He sounds like a dream come true and like he absolutely adores you! Patient, understanding, caring, loving, not pressuring you, the whole nine.

 

And wants to express that physically, as well as how he HAS been expressing it. Which is normal, it's what couples do when they feel a close connection and bond, which it certainly sounds like he feels for you from everything you have posted.

 

You also said earlier you DO feel valued and cherished. That HE makes you feel that way.

 

What more do you need?

 

Just curious.

 

I hope to gawd this isn't some sort of "test" to see if or how long he's willing to wait, so as to "prove" his feelings, because if it is, that my dear is manipulation.

 

So I hope that isn't the case.

I'd never ever want to hurt him, I really care deeply for him in such little time which terrifies me. I feel like he's everything I've never even known I should want, and typically things like these are too good to be true.

I need to know if he's making promises he never intended to keep, I need to know if I'm a rebound from his ex, and if he has some ulterior motive to hurt me for self validation.

The longer we date the more I trust him. I'm just timid due to past experiences.

Also OP, did HE accuse you of playing games?

 

If not then I find the title of your thread quite telling.

 

If HE didn't accuse you of playing games, what prompted you to ask if it sounds like you are playing games?

 

Are you playing games? And are wondering if HE senses that?

 

Again, just curious cause again if he didn't accuse you of such, I am wondering why you would think you are.... enough to ask us.

He never accused me of playing games, I just wanted another perspective on how I'm handling things.

I feel it's improper to sleep with someone I've known for less than a month, and I know men will do anything to trick you into believing they care about you when it's the opposite.

I would be so hurt if I did sleep with him with the bond we have and how I'm starting to feel and he switched up on me. I really really like him, so much. He's the best, and I'm wondering if he's too good to be true.

I'd never ever want to hurt him, I really care deeply for him in such little time which terrifies me. I feel like he's everything I've never even known I should want, and typically things like these are too good to be true.

 

I need to know if he's making promises he never intended to keep, I need to know if I'm a rebound from his ex, and if he has some ulterior motive to hurt me for self validation.

 

The longer we date the more I trust him. I'm just timid due to past experiences.

Okay that's fair.

But also remember, the longer you date the more emotionally "attached" YOU will become too.

And if, god forbid, his feelings do change after sex which HAS been known to happen even with the best of intentions, YOU are the one who will suffer more due to having become that much more emotionally attached to him.

It's up to you really. It's a choice, a risk. Sex will happen at some point, you can't avoid it forever.

Remember, never any guarantees, people can leave any time, even with like I said the BEST of intentions.

I wouldn't call it playing games. I think you are being rather defensive rather than assertive in how you want to date him. Show him with your actions. Initiate dates, don't do sleepovers until you are ready for sex to be addressed. It's only been a few weeks. You don't have to explain yourself or worry about him being turned off by lack of sex - it's so soon to be having those conversations, and it just tells you he is comfortable with sex now while you aren't.

 

I'd just advise being less passive in the dating process. He's courting you heavily - if it's too much too soon, slow it down. Take the reigns a bit

I was going to write the same thing. I think, though, that it is absolutely fine to do sleepovers as long as you are both comfortable with the boundaries (which should be understood or re-stated when you're both dressed and sober). I always waited months to sleep with someone and did sleepovers long before -no issues in my serious relationships. I think there's a real disconnect here if he thinks someone who waits to have sex necessarily fears intimacy -what?? It's equally true then that people who have sex right away also can fear true intimacy -they jump to intercourse as a way of being physically/sexually close but balk at being emotionally vulnerable.

I also don't even know why "I'm not a player" would come up - sounds so negative. If he likes to have intercourse earlier that's fine -doesn't make him a player, just makes his boundaries/timing different from yours which can be resolved.

I would continue having fun and hopefully he will simply respect your boundaries or tell you that he is not ok with it and move on - you've been honest, no need to discuss it more and if you turn him off by not having intercourse with him right now then you know as others have written that you two are not compatible.

 

I would be so hurt if I did sleep with him with the bond we have and how I'm starting to feel and he switched up on me. I really really like him, so much. He's the best, and I'm wondering if he's too good to be true.

Once again, it does not matter how you long you wait. You can have sex within the first week (hell my ex and I had sex the first night we met and we lasted six years)..

OR you can wait three months, and he can STILL "switch it up on you."

NEVER ANY GUARANTEES.

I understand what you are saying and feeling, and that you are scared. We are ALL scared when we start to develop strong feelings.

But that doesn't stop most of us from moving forward physically, once we feel valued and cherished, like you say you do. We have faith and trust in "our" connection and feel comfortable moving forward.

At this point given everything you have written, you sound almost paralyzed by your fears, unable to move forward, which will only hurt you in the end.

Perhaps you should speak with a professional about it, because quite frankly, from everything you have written, I don't see these fears disappearing even if you waited SIX month to have sex.

I highly doubt he would stick around that long, only because in his mind, it would mean you are not all that attracted to him. Which men NEED to feel in order to grow closer and feel more attached to you.

Otherwise, they may feel "used."

And yes most men DO feel this way, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Men have feelings too. Just like we do!

I'm sorry, but all this waiting is only benefiting one person - you.

He won't stick around forever.