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Thread: Do I seem like I'm playing games?

  1. #1
    LadyBug1988
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    Do I seem like I'm playing games?

    I have been dating a new guy for a few weeks now, and I'm not comfortable enough to sleep with him yet. We talked about it, I explained my values, and that I don't do things I'm not proud of. He said he understood and respected me too much to want to make me uncomfortable and mess up our new relationship.

    I ended up in a situation where we were out and spent the night together in the same bed, but nothing happened and he didn't try to force himself into me. He's always such a gentleman and makes me feel very safe, which is why I like him so much. He did make a comment that sometimes he'll want to see if my boundaries are still there since boundaries change with time, but to let him know if I'm uncomfortable and he will stop.

    Since I met him on Christmas vacation and we spent that entire week together, we are now back at work. I have been seeing him no less than 3 times every week, and he plans all the days (based on my schedule) that he'll see me after our last date for the week. He also just got $700 VIP tickets to a music festival in June for us, and has been talking about vacationing together.

    He sort of invited me to a family event Sunday but I could hear it in his voice he expected me to say "no" (which I did). He then got a wedding invitation for his buddy's wedding in September and excitedly showed it to me asking if I thought it was cool. I said yes but made no further inquiries. He took me for a luxury spa day with him at a beautiful resort yesterday, and then out for an amazing dinner and wine (I insisted I paid for dinner). I agreed to go back to his place because I love spending time with him, we have the same sense of humor, he's easy and fun to be around and I love being close to him.

    We ended up making out watching a movie, but I stopped before things got heated. Then he just cuddled with me and goes "So that's your boundary. Okay". He never seemed pissed or annoyed, just super sweet and gentle as always. He asked me why I am afraid of intimacy.

    I explained I'm not but I want to really know who he is before blindsiding myself and complicating things with sex. He said part of figuring out if you like someone is sexual compatibility and what if I fall in love with him only to learn he sucks in bed? I said we have all the time in the world to figure that out, I just want to get to know him. He asked what I wanted to know, and I honestly told him there was nothing he could tell me, I just needed to see for myself. Words mean nothing, I have no rules, only my intuition and emotions.

    We cuddled and playfully joked with each other for the rest of the night, and he made plans to see me 3 more times this week. I love spending time with him, and he said he can't wait to see me again either.

    I'm afraid I'll turn him off by not sleeping with him. He said he was never into one night stands and wants something serious with me. He said he's not a player or anything, and really likes me. I'm just not ready, but I don't want him to think I'm playing games.

  2. #2
    greta96
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    If you not having sex with him turns him off, then he's not the right guy for you. The right guy will always respect your boundaries and wait patiently until you're ready to take the next step. Don't do anything you're not ready for!
    And by the way, your line of thinking is very healthy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

  3. #3
    gebaird
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    I think you are wise to move slowly in at least one area of this relationship (sexual contact) -- everything else is moving SO fast, though! As long as he understands that your intimacy "issues" are values-based and not fear-based or because you aren't attracted to him, I think you are safe to keep that boundary intact. He seems like a great guy who is really into you. I think he knows you're worth the wait.

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  5. #4
    lostandhurt
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    It doesn't look like you are playing games since you are open and honest and not leading him on. If you did more than just make out like rubbing his crotch or getting naked in front of him and teasing him sexually that would be playing games but since you are taking things slow and expressing your boundaries it looks good to me.

    If he is really into you then he will wait. It seems like he is spending a lot of money when he is with you though. Is that normal for him? Is he really well off or is he trying really hard with you and spending money he may not have?

    Lost

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  7. #5
    Wiseman2
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    It sounds like he likes you and respects your boundaries. He may be concerned that he's wasting a lot of money wining dining and courting you and you are friendzoning him.

    You need to stop sleeping over his place and stop seeing each other that much if you need to 'go slow' and not use vague answers like "I have no rules, only my intuition and emotions", which sounds like you're leading them on for material reasons.

    For example a less string along answer may be "when we are ready to be exclusive" or something a bit less capricious than "your intuition".
    Quote Originally Posted by LadyBug1988 [Register to see the link]
    he'll want to see if my boundaries are still there since boundaries change with time, but to let him know if I'm uncomfortable and he will stop.He asked me why I am afraid of intimacy. He said part of figuring out if you like someone is sexual compatibility and what if I fall in love with him only to learn he sucks in bed?

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  9. 01-09-2017, 01:29 PM

  10. #6
    snoopygal
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    I don't think you're playing games. I think you're moving at a pace that you're comfortable with, and that's great. You're being honest, and that's all someone can really ask. You did say that he plans the times that the two of you see each other. He sounds like he likes and respects you and your boundaries, and you shouldn't change them for him, but you should give him reassurance that you like him in some way.

  11. 01-09-2017, 01:43 PM
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  12. 01-09-2017, 01:45 PM

  13. #7
    Blue68
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyBug1988 [Register to see the link]
    He said part of figuring out if you like someone is sexual compatibility and what if I fall in love with him only to learn he sucks in bed?
    And it was all going so well ....... What a load of bull!

    Still, in answer to your question .... no, it doesn't seem as though you are playing games. You are being honest and upfront with him. You have your boundaries and you've told him that.

    As greta said, if not having sex with him turns him off then he isn't the right guy for you. If he likes you enough to want to make it work, he will wait for you. If not, well, at least you know he wasn't the one for you and you made the right choice by not having sex with him.

  14. 01-09-2017, 02:00 PM

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    itsallgrand
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    I wouldn't call it playing games. I think you are being rather defensive rather than assertive in how you want to date him. Show him with your actions. Initiate dates, don't do sleepovers until you are ready for sex to be addressed. It's only been a few weeks. You don't have to explain yourself or worry about him being turned off by lack of sex - it's so soon to be having those conversations, and it just tells you he is comfortable with sex now while you aren't.

    I'd just advise being less passive in the dating process. He's courting you heavily - if it's too much too soon, slow it down. Take the reigns a bit

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  17. #9
    Wiseman2
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    Agree with this. Sexless sleep-overs are nonsense unless you are too drunk to go home. If you don't want sex, don't sleep in his bed, etc. Go home after dates.
    Quote Originally Posted by itsallgrand [Register to see the link]
    Initiate dates, don't do sleepovers until you are ready for sex to be addressed. It's only been a few weeks.

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  19. 01-09-2017, 02:12 PM
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  20. #10
    Blue68
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    I think sharing a bed with someone is almost as intimate as having sex. It will cause a lot of confusion if you do that.

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  22. 01-09-2017, 02:19 PM

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