I really want to get over idea that things will ever be better, but i keep hopin

Hey i already posted two topics who wants can check them out. I also apologize if some people who already answered find me annoying but i feel that writing here started giving me, bit by bit, power to think differently. I started feeling heard out and thank you all for that!

So here is my story. I am married for 2 years and 3 month. My husband is 8 years older than me and he comes from another country. I have known him for 6 years before we go married. We were in long term relationship that was on and off, we both had some relationships during the off periods. So 2 years ago i moved to his country to work on our relation and to figure out how to make it happen to be next to each other. Soon after i moved to him he showed first signs of violence and bad mouthing. I was 23 that time not really taking things serious enough thought maybe its just and angry phase. Things get better for few days and than again. He gets angry so fast, snaps so quickly, screams a lot, goes to other room to sleep screaming how i don't respect him and how i am guilty for the way he acts. He hit me couple of times and pulled my hair. After that he said he will stop it ( stupid me didn't leave that time) he did quit touching me but he kept screaming and calling me bad names. Things got calm, we got married, he came to my country as we decided to live here. We live with my parents. He got a good job lot of friends, lets say that his life started really well here. But he continued to scream, insult, get angry for every little thing. He twisted my arm few times, and slept with me and once he was done he spit on me, dressed up and left the room. After each anger and mistreating episode he ignores me for a while and than he comes to me like nothing happened. He says sorry but he blames me for causing that. So after all that i cant touch him anymore or let him sleep with me. I talked to him once and i asked him why he doesnt give me some nice days and nice times if he is really sorry as he says he is, to work things thru together he said he cant change because i am physically avoiding him and forbidding him his rights. He will every morning come offering to take me for lunch, movies or something but only if i sleep with him and give him some nice time. He is making me feel that, after all he have done to me, i actually have to "pay" some good moments by sleeping with him. He just says he is sorry but he says he cant change for as long i am avoiding him. Before i never kept distance no matter what he did but he still kept being so angry all the time. Now he is saying he is angry because i am avoiding him. So he didnt wake any morning to come and plan the day just for me to feel good. He plans all but says that will happen if i give him a fun morning. If i dont he says that he isnt motivated because i cut off his rights.

I know that the best things to do is leave him, but i always stick to these good things he does now and than. He really can be amazing but its like he doesnt want to. I always keep hoping he will see how much he is hurting me and he will stop. Everytime i decide to tell him i want a divorce i remember how he did something sweet that shows that he can think about me and that feeling over come the feeling of me wanting to leave. I know that is stupid and i dont know how to beat that feeling i get so emotional once he brings me a cake or buys something or asks if i need something. That blocks me from thinking straight and i dont know how to help it.

He really can be amazing but its like he doesnt want to.

No, he isn't amazing. It's called "manipulation" and it is all part of the abuse/control. You say you want a divorce, he brings you a cake .... and all is forgiven. (Is that really all it takes???) This will NEVER change. HE won't ever change because he doesn't care to change and you stay with him anyway.

As regards the whole sex thing .... Well, I'm not sure why you think going down that road is going to make your marriage any better. That is just fighting fire with fire and making matters worse. I'm not saying go have sex with him ..... I'm saying that when a relationship or marriage is as abusive as yours is or you're at the point where you can't bear him to touch you ... it's time to go. No excuses. No hanging on to hope. Leave ..... like, yesterday. Don't let a measly cake outweigh the constant abuse. Buying someone a cake is easy. Having someone love you ..... cherishing you ..... respecting you ..... now THAT's amazing.

He has sex with you ..... then SPITS on you!?!?!?!? That is the most disrespectful thing I've heard. On top of everything else I cannot think of ANY reason he has given you to stay.

Mel9037, please, go back to your older threads and read all the answers again.

1. This man does not want and will not change. He. Won't. Change.

2. He's not amazing, he's amazingly manipulative.

3. Of course you wouldn't want him to touch you, if your mindset isn't fully there yet, your body is already physically repulsed by him, listen to it.

4. It's not your fault and never was. You owe him nothing. The lines with "his rights" and "no motivation" are such BS!

You said you live with your parents and they have even witnessed the abuse. Did they say anything? Have you talked about it? Have you talked to friends? Have you called a hotline as people suggested? Do you have any support?

You should switch your focus doing all of the above instead of focusing on sentiment. Kick this abusive piece of s*** out of your life as soon as possible. And never ever consider getting back together if he suddenly starts acting all sweet again. What happens with him after should not be your concern. Also, maybe it's a good idea to try therapy to find out why would you tolerate such behavior in the first place. It's not from yesterday.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but, god, even reading about this makes me angry. You live in a nightmare, get out of it! You are fully capable of doing it - you don't mention any financial dependency or children that can make it complicated.

Now is the time!

He is not going to change. The abuse is part of who he is. You cannot have the good part of him without the bad part. Whatever you do, please DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with him. When you are ready, you need to extract yourself from this bad situation.

Thank you, i find your answer helpful. I get easily fooled by him doing something nice for me. Suggesting some night out, cake, movies or anything else that may show care. On the smallest spark of care i put my hopes high. I cant bare him touching me because he made me feel that that is what i am there for. Just to do do what he asks regarding what he does for me and how he makes me feel. For a long time and after number of fights and insults i didnt forbid him touching me but it became too much and obviously me giving myself 100% didnt mean lots to him as he never stopped bullying me. And all that acting as i need to deserve nice moments by sleeping with him. Not even one day he tried to program something nice and than see if i will reject him. Nope he just demands it in order to do something nice for me. Thats what made him not stand his touch ( mixed with all the insults, two times forced sex, few physical attacks and his constant saying that its me who makes him like that ). You are so right. He wont change as if he keeps saying how i need to give him a reason to change ( sleep with him) obviously he doesnt see that only reason should be me being so hurt.

No, he isn't amazing. It's called "manipulation" and it is all part of the abuse/control. You say you want a divorce, he brings you a cake .... and all is forgiven. (Is that really all it takes???) This will NEVER change. HE won't ever change because he doesn't care to change and you stay with him anyway.

 

As regards the whole sex thing .... Well, I'm not sure why you think going down that road is going to make your marriage any better. That is just fighting fire with fire and making matters worse. I'm not saying go have sex with him ..... I'm saying that when a relationship or marriage is as abusive as yours is or you're at the point where you can't bear him to touch you ... it's time to go. No excuses. No hanging on to hope. Leave ..... like, yesterday. Don't let a measly cake outweigh the constant abuse. Buying someone a cake is easy. Having someone love you ..... cherishing you ..... respecting you ..... now THAT's amazing.

Thank you, i find your answer helpful. I get easily fooled by him doing something nice for me. Suggesting some night out, cake, movies or anything else that may show care. On the smallest spark of care i put my hopes high. I cant bare him touching me because he made me feel that that is what i am there for. Just to do do what he asks regarding what he does for me and how he makes me feel. For a long time and after number of fights and insults i didnt forbid him touching me but it became too much and obviously me giving myself 100% didnt mean lots to him as he never stopped bullying me. And all that acting as i need to deserve nice moments by sleeping with him. Not even one day he tried to program something nice and than see if i will reject him. Nope he just demands it in order to do something nice for me. Thats what made him not stand his touch ( mixed with all the insults, two times forced sex, few physical attacks and his constant saying that its me who makes him like that ). You are so right. He wont change as if he keeps saying how i need to give him a reason to change ( sleep with him) obviously he doesnt see that only reason should be me being so hurt.

Mel9037, please, go back to your older threads and read all the answers again.

 

1. This man does not want and will not change. He. Won't. Change.

2. He's not amazing, he's amazingly manipulative.

3. Of course you wouldn't want him to touch you, if your mindset isn't fully there yet, your body is already physically repulsed by him, listen to it.

4. It's not your fault and never was. You owe him nothing. The lines with "his rights" and "no motivation" are such BS!

 

You said you live with your parents and they have even witnessed the abuse. Did they say anything? Have you talked about it? Have you talked to friends? Have you called a hotline as people suggested? Do you have any support?

You should switch your focus doing all of the above instead of focusing on sentiment. Kick this abusive piece of s*** out of your life as soon as possible. And never ever consider getting back together if he suddenly starts acting all sweet again. What happens with him after should not be your concern. Also, maybe it's a good idea to try therapy to find out why would you tolerate such behavior in the first place. It's not from yesterday.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but, god, even reading about this makes me angry. You live in a nightmare, get out of it! You are fully capable of doing it - you don't mention any financial dependency or children that can make it complicated.

Now is the time!

Thank you for your answer,

We do live with my parents but they did not witness that. My mom once and she tries a lot to talk to him and she tried helping him see his wrongs he does say he knows he is wrong but as soon as something isnt as he planned or something annoys him he freaks out all over again. When my dad is around he watches his behavior. Yes i did talk to my friends he is amazing in front of them, they cant simply connect all that with him. They say he is so cool, funny and nice. But they do think i should leave him. My mom too she said even that little hope she had that maybe he suffered the *cultural differences* after moving here, now she finds no excuse and tells me that i simply cant stay with him. I do have a therapist and i will deff see her asap.

I think i am over emotional and i cant stand other people feeling bad even if it costs me a lot. Each time i am so definite in leaving him i get to think about some good times and i hope it can go back to that. Or i get fooled by some small gestures of care coming from him when he is in good mood.

He is not going to change. The abuse is part of who he is. You cannot have the good part of him without the bad part. Whatever you do, please DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with him. When you are ready, you need to extract yourself from this bad situation.

Thank you. I do start to realize that too. I know its time to plan the next step and that i need to find some strength to do it. Nope never thought of having kids with him or with anyone anytime soon. I just need to pull myself together and stand up for myself and my life. I just cant bare the fact of ruing his life even tho it would be his fault considering all he have done to me.

Thank you, i find your answer helpful. I get easily fooled by him doing something nice for me.

Mel, you are allowing yourself to get fooled. People like this don't change because they don't think they don't WANT to change. They certainly don't think they need to change. It's all part of their personality. You are hanging onto hope because it's easier than facing up to the reality of a split.

Can I ask why you are still at home with your parents?

Mel, you are allowing yourself to get fooled. People like this don't change because they don't think they don't WANT to change. They certainly don't think they need to change. It's all part of their personality. You are hanging onto hope because it's easier than facing up to the reality of a split.

 

Can I ask why you are still at home with your parents?

Thank you, you are totally right. Yes i am. I also feel so bad to kick him out, nowhere to stay. He isnt from my country. That makes it even harder for me. Despite the fact that he is ruining my life, i cant get strong enough to ruin his ( even tho it was on him to think about potential consequences of mistreating me ).

YOU aren't ruining HIS life. HE is. This is all HIS doing. HE is ruining things. The reality is he is a manipulative, spiteful, abusive man who doesn't care to change. You owe it to yourself to get away from all that.

Does he work? He can find a place to live, surely? If he has to go back to his home country, then so be it. The further away from you he is the easier it will be for you to move on and start over.