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Thread: Call me old fashioned, but I take time and relationships seriously

  1. #1
    Keeping Sane
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    Call me old fashioned, but I take time and relationships seriously

    Like several out there, I've been in rough relationships where each one had provided me the utmost happiness and crushed me when things came to an end.

    I have been seeing this particular man for a year. Things were hot in the beginning. From good morning/good night texts to supportive messages, staying over on weekends, and spontaneous last minute adventures, the thought of things coming to an end were unforeseeable.

    Don't get me wrong, we've had our arguments, but the good times overshadowed them. As time went by 3-4 months, I've asked him, "where is this heading?" I wanted to be his girlfriend. In the beginning, he said to give him some time, he wanted a relationship with me, and to be patient. I accepted.

    We continued our time together and whilst we were having the time of our lives, it slowly bothered me even more. I became impatient and asked several times again and each time, the answers were "to wait" or he would bring up things he disliked about me.

    Our one year of dating was two weeks ago: December 26th and once again, I brought up the topic. He got extremely frustrated and yelled at me saying how we has been lied to in the past by exgirlfriends, how they all gave him mounds of trouble, and how his own mother cheated on his father, to which caused him lots of insecurity, trust issues, and anxiety. I started to cry. For one, I'm not his ex and to treat me like I'm going to do the same hurt me. Two, if he didn't want a relationship then he shouldn't have strung me along all this time. Three, everything he said crushed me.

    The following week, New Years Eve weekend, I turned into this jealous/insecure person when I found out he messaged a girl on facebook about us meeting her at the restaurant she worked at. This girl was a person who was going to rent out a room in his Las Vegas home. He changed his mind last minute into renting out the whole house instead and flaked on her, thus, he felt that it was appropriate to meet her and apologize. What got him upset was when I asked how much he tipped her and all I got was, "since when did you start asking me how much I tip." So I was honest and told him, "well, you messaged her on facebook and I want to know how much you tipped her." That alone caused more turmoil to our New Years weekend.

    We had a long drive coming back to California and not a conversation was exchanged between us. When we got to his house I said bye and went home. It's been 4 days with no contact and I texted him, "Hi, how are you." His reply, "I'm not going out with any girls. I just want to be alone right now." I texted him, "Okay, I hope all is well with everything else."

    Anyone know what this means? Does this mean that he wants to further contact from me and is sort of like a "break up" thing, even though we weren't officially together? Should I still contact him time to time? Should I even think there's a gleam of hope for us?

    I've been hurting these past 2 weeks and I found myself yet again, moping and crying. Just like before, back to square one.

    If you all want the other small deets we are/have a
    - 6 year gap. 23/29(him)
    - we have not had sex (he says he only has sex with someone if they're bound to be girlfriend worthy. I accepted to be patient.)
    - Our pictures are still on his facebook page
    - I work in the healthcare field (hence the sensitivity to emotions) & he is in the business field.

    ** Your thoughts are all appreciated. I'd love to hear insight from men as well. Although my 2017 started off with a major heartache, I hope you all started yours off well!**
    Last edited by Keeping Sane; 01-07-2017 at 09:13 PM. Reason: Change of title

  2. #2
    Clio
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    One year of dating with no relationship status defined and no sex? You had every right to be upset. You should also have walked out much earlier, propably at the 3-4 month mark, when your gut told you that something was wrong and he refused to define the relationship. The guy had major issues. You dodged a bullet. You shouldn't have stuck around for that long.

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  4. #3
    KantSleep
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    I am not a man but this is a huge red flag: "we have not had sex (he says he only has sex with someone if they're bound to be girlfriend worthy. I accepted to be patient.)" I wonder if he has some kind of sexual dysfunction. Not trying to be funny. Unless there is some sort of religious aspect to this. Are you still waiting a year later to be considered "his girlfriend"? Because if that is the case then there is something wrong with this man. Despite your good times, I would question his overall mental health. Don't let him waste another minute of your precious time. I wish I could say something positive about how this all sounds. It just don't sound good.

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  6. #4
    Keeping Sane
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    Thanks for your input! I'm young and easily blinded by these things. I have tried so hard to please this guy. I've always made my way to help him with things. You know, the supportive type. I just sucks that I've been putting more weight into it. Kantsleep, yes, I've waited the whole year to be his girlfriend. People have always told me I have no patience, but now I can say that I do.

    I wonder if anyone else has gone through this, cause heck, I rather have someone be upfront and blunt with me than being in the grey zone...

  7. #5
    BrokenGator
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    No sex in and of itself doesn't bother me. But the fact he said that he only has sex with girls he thought were gf bound (and hasn't had sex with you) means that after one year he still doesn't think you're worth having as a gf . In my opinion, he's not worth even having as a regular acquaintance.

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  9. #6
    Someday_Soon
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    Much too long in the grey zone, as you put it. If he can't provide some sort of clarity to the direction of the relationship it's time to move on. You are very young and have a lot to look forward to. He seems to have some issues that he doesn't want to talk about or deal with, and those tend to sabotage relationships rather consistently.

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  11. #7
    Lisa C
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    I am curious.

  12. #8
    Keeping Sane
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lisa C [Register to see the link]
    I am curious.
    Hi Lisa - Curious about what?

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  14. #9
    Lisa C
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    You sound like a very kind and intelligent woman mixed up with a self-centered man with lots of unresolved baggage. Somewhere along the line his ego's been damaged probably by another woman in his past that got sick of his baloney and put him in his place. I am also suspicious that he cannot perform sexually anymore, which might be the real reason for not wanting sex or a committed relationship. For some men the fear of the inability to perform is too risky and the humilation too great if he failed. I don't know his age but if he is up there, this could be a real possibility. Thete's probably not a lot you can do for him. He might just want to be alone and grumpy. It has nothing to do with you. If he didn't like you or enjoy your company, he most certainly wouldn't have dated you for a year. If I were you, and I know it is really hard, I'd step back and let him be. The one thing I know about men is that they never stop pursuing a woman they are in love with. It is very hard to get these men to go away. Back off, don't call or text him. He's set in his ways. I rang in the new year feeling very badly myself over a similiar issue with my former husband. I am like you. I take relationships seriously and I know it is over when you ask a reasonable question and get an insulting or twisted response. Hope this helped a little. You were right asking him where your relationship was going and he's backing off because he knows he can't string you along much longer. Some men are great as long as you don't ask them questions that put them on the spot.

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  16. #10
    Lisa C
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keeping Sane [Register to see the link]
    Thanks for your input! I'm young and easily blinded by these things. I have tried so hard to please this guy. I've always made my way to help him with things. You know, the supportive type. I just sucks that I've been putting more weight into it. Kantsleep, yes, I've waited the whole year to be his girlfriend. People have always told me I have no patience, but now I can say that I do.

    I wonder if anyone else has gone through this, cause heck, I rather have someone be upfront and blunt with me than being in the grey zone...
    Of course ALL OF US have been there at some point in life!! Many times. You sound like a giving person but lack self confidence. It is very true-listen to your gut. When your stomach knots up there's a reason for it. Don't let men play head games. You'll need to toughen up and speak your mind or you'll get played over and over. I am speaking from my own foolish experiences. Don't mean to sound harsh. I feel your hurt. You will be fine and find a nice man.

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